Best friend is a girl..as well as his ex..

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 02:00PM #1

So, there's this guy...

I've been seeing him for about 4/5 months now and I am mad about him and he says he's mad about me too.

However, it's not all rosy in the garden. He has an 'ex' who he says is an ex but he is best friends with. They see each other and stay over at each others houses, apparently in separate rooms. I have known about this from the start and have tried to be fine with it but it has flared up as an issue from time to time. He doesn't have many friends and she has been in his life for a long time now and seen him through some tough times. I really, really don't have an issue with the friendship...he doesn't really have a large circle of friends and I know that I am quite protective of my own friendships but I suppose I am not convinced that it's just a friendship. They never really 'broke up' in the traditional sense of the word. They just kind of transitioned from bf/gf to friends.

But they make sure that they see each other one night a week and only at the weekends. We seem to get our time arranged around their time.

And he seems to tell her everything...for instance..we are planning to go away for a long weekend soon and during that time visit a couple of 'adult' type clubs. I am very open with friends and family but haven't even told them this, yet he has told her.

I feel desperately betrayed and I'm not sure if I'm being silly or not. This has been something that WE had been planning and talking about and I feel that it's an intimate and private matter between us a couple and felt a bit sick when he said that he had told her.

Before anyone asks I have brought up the subject of the 'three of us' a couple of times but I just seem to come across as a jealous, whining, ultimatum giving girlfriend and it's really not that.

I suppose I just feel that we are getting no space to grow our relationship and it's being suffocated by this third person. And I know that there is a pair of them in it by the way. I know that it's as much up to him to put boundary's down as it is for her to step back and let us try and move forward.

Am I wrong in wanting some space and privacy as a couple? I don't want them to not be friends but I want us to have a chance too and every time I feel we turn a corner another issue comes up. And I'm getting tired now. I'm crazy about him but am wondering where this really is going

I actually feel like the third person in their relationship!

Suppose I'm just wondering what would you do?

Monkey61 · 17-02-2009 02:21PM

I understand your fears, but look at it this way - if he wanted to be with her, he would be! Why would he be with you if he didn't want to?

I think it's actually particularly reassuring that they didn't have a big break up and just transitioned to friendship because that, if anything, is a sign that there probably wasn't much of a spark between them in the first place, and they were obviously better off as friends.

To be honest if he is just seeing her one night a week then that isn't really impinging on your relationship at all. That's very little and really any feelings of suffocation are entirely in your head! I fail to see how him being friends with her is stopping your relationship from growing.

As for the telling her about the weekend away - a lot of people tell their best friends everything. I certainly do. That's the exact kind of thing that he would want to talk through with a close friend. The fact that she's a girl probably makes it a lot easier for him to be comfortable telling her stuff of that nature as I'm sure she gives him loads of woman's perspective advice and stuff.

It really isn't up to him to put boundaries down or for her to step back - I think you are the one being unreasonable here, purely out of jealousy and fear. She is his friend. She was on the scene before you as well. Close friendships are important and it isn't fair to try and make him give her up - otherwise he will resent you and she will have a terrible impression of you.

Just relax. He is with you because he wants to be. If he ever doesn't - well then he doesn't and he will let you know.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 02:27PM

Yeh?

I'd tell you what I'd do.

I'd tell him no more overnighters with her.
He needs to start behaving appropriately with her now that he has a girlfriend.
That means not sharing intimate private information with her and not staying overnight together any more, doesn't matter if there is no body contact, thats irrelevant. Its the intimacy and familiarity I would have a problem with.

She needs to get off your territory.

If he has a problem with that, he'd be history, but thats just me Im an alpha female and I dont do 'sharing' with other women.

No doubt all the usual naysayers will be on here in a moment telling you you're jealous and unreasonable yada yada yada, but they only sing that tune in the late teens and early 20's. As soon as people grow up they see what is and what is not acceptable.

Problem is you've let him away with it thus far, but no more. She's got to go.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 02:39PM

My best friend is an ex of mine (from 15 years ago) I talk to him most days... he's like a brother. I get on so well with his wife and him with my other half - I'm godmother to his kids... so it can be genuine.

He obviously felt comfortable enough to tell his friend about the clubs that you're planning on going to, I'm sure that he didn't think that it would be a problem - and he told you about this too.

Talk to him openly about things... but I would try to change my view point if I were you... do you get on well with this girl? If you don't then that could be the issue.

ManOfMystery · 17-02-2009 02:43PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

Why would he be with you if he didn't want to?

In a perfect world maybe. But this isn't a perfect world.

I think his behaviour is totally unacceptable. If my significant other was staying with her ex b/f one night a week, I would have serious doubts about our relationship.

Why does he stay over - do they live 400 miles apart or something?

Why does he need to see his ex once a week?

Why doesn't he consider the effect this has on you?

Yes, she may be his friend - but she is also his ex and he needs to keep this in mind and behave appropriately. What he's doing at the moment is not appropriate.

And before anyone criticises my thoughts on this, I have been in a similar situation. I was actually the 'guilty' party if anything - I was living with my ex gf and embarked on a new relationship with my current gf. As soon as I started going out with my current gf, all my spare time went to finding a new place to live and I was constantly apologising to her for taking so long as I knew she couldn't be comfortable with me living with my ex. She was very understanding about it.

Myself and my ex were in separate bedrooms and from the day and hour we broke up, I never ever once entertained the idea of being anything other than friends with her. There was never any backtracking for me, or drunken fumbles with the ex - once we were over, that was it for good. But I understood that it wasn't appropriate to be living with her, just as it isn't appropriate for your bf to stay with his ex.

Wibbs · 17-02-2009 02:45PM

I'd be smack in the middle between monkey61 and unreg. Yes he is with you and not her so in that respect fine. But overnighters are a stretch IMHO. I've got very close women mates, but I've not gotten sexual with them. Big diff. If I had a girlffriend object to a woman mate of mine I would tell her where to go. If I had a girlfriend object to a an ex that's now a woman mate of mine that I have sleepovers with, I would agree with her. It's not even a question of territory, it's a question of respect. Yes he is with you, so while he should not drop mates, he should also not take the píss either.

username123 · 17-02-2009 03:13PM

I wouldnt put up with it.
Its not appropriate behaviour. I used to think it was ok but as another poster said, as I got older I realised it doesnt work.
I had one very close male friend and we used to do the whole making 1 night a week for each other, sleepovers etc.... For years! And it got in the way of every relationship i had over those years and also every relationship he had. It finally came to crunch time when he met a girl he REALLY liked and we fell out because he prioritised seeing her over me (proper order btw but I didnt see it that way then).
In retrospect we were 'pseudo' bf/gf's. When we were both single it worked out fine, we went out together to the cinema, dinner, drinks, etc.... In fact we did everything a bf/gf does in terms of spending time together except be intimate.
But when there was someone else on the scene it just did not work. I lost bf's because I wouldnt give up the male friend and he lost gf's for the same reason.
Basically you cant have your bf giving more priority to his female friend than to his girlfriend. Relationships with 3 people in them dont tend to work out.

In this particular case the fact she is an ex just reeks of someone not really getting over the fact the relationship is over and one of them is clinging on in hope of it rekindling.
She knows exactly what she is doing too - if he is telling her everything about your relationship with him thats a complete boundary breaker as well.

Its a simple choice, he either has a relationship with you or with her.

puglover · 17-02-2009 03:18PM

Ok whatever about being friends, thats all fine and dandy, but seriously like what is with the sleep overs??? What are they like 17?? Because that was aroudn the age I was when I stopped having sleep overs with my friends.

And you having to arrange your time together over the weekends around their time together...that is not on!!

Do you ever get invited to these get togethers or sleepover??

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 03:45PM

I think it’s totally out of order from your boyfriend. He should respect the relationship he is in with you and he is not doing that at the moment. He may be friends with the ex but he HAS to know how to act. It’s different now, simple as, he cannot continue to act as he is. Seriously.. sleepovers with an ex while your going out with someone... I don’t blame you OP for feeling odd about this, I'd be the exact same! SO out of order. He may not be aware of how it makes you feel. Sit him down and explain how it feels, maybe make him imagine how he would feel if you stayed over with your ex once a week.. See how long he'd be happy with that

Suzyq · 17-02-2009 03:48PM

Yeah, I'd have to say that it would certainly be VERY put out by the fact that he'd discuss the intimacies of the clubs that you planned to attend with his ex. It would raise a lot of questions for me to be honest with you.

It's a breach of your privacy in any case and the fact that you are accused of being jealous and whiney when you raise that point would make me think that he doesn't have much consideration for your feelings.

Based on your post, it reads to me like he has more time for her than you so it's up to you whether or not you want to put up with it.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 17-02-2009 04:49PM

You'll end up losing him if you put your foot down, really you will.

It's his best mate and he doesn't have many others. If he did you'd stand a better chance but he'll weigh up his options and probably dump you.

I'd say best course of action is talk to him about telling her things that affect you. Explain you weren'y happy about her knowing about the holiday blabbering.

I wouldn't mention the staying over issue, if you really don't have an issue with her and you're comfortable that he won't do anything it shouldn't bother you. If you interrupt their regular patterns they will resent you and you'll come out losing

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 05:09PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You'll end up losing him if you put your foot down, really you will.

It's his best mate and he doesn't have many others. If he did you'd stand a better chance but he'll weigh up his options and probably dump you.

I'd say best course of action is talk to him about telling her things that affect you. Explain you weren'y happy about her knowing about the holiday blabbering.

I wouldn't mention the staying over issue, if you really don't have an issue with her and you're comfortable that he won't do anything it shouldn't bother you. If you interrupt their regular patterns they will resent you and you'll come out losing

I totally disagree. If you think you will lose him by challenging this, then all is lost already.
If the relationship perishes on this rock, then it must because the status quo is untenable.

You have to assert your dominance here, by her 'night' being unmovable and unnegotiable she is alpha and you are beta. You have to break this dynamic. For the relationship to survive you have to be Alpha OP.

There are certain non negotiables in relationships and certain things you should not tolerate. Its you who sets your boundaries and has first dibs on nights, not her. You need to mess her around a bit to let her get used to the fact that there is a new girl in town and she needs to loosen her grip. Use PA tactics if you wish, 'accidentally' book a juicy trip he cant resist on her night, or find a way to start hanging around on 'their' night, just use your wiles.

Im all for picking your battles in relationships and not sweating the small stuff but this is a crucial battle you cannot pass on. Losing out to her will set the tone for the future. Its a dominance issue between you and her.

It doesn't mean they cant continue the friendship, just not when its beginning to impinge on your locus of power and control.

You get the meat, she gets the leftovers, you have to train them both to accept this new order. Dont try 'making him see your point of view' -thats already failed and as you said you come accross as wheedling which men hate.

With him, use a carrot not a stick, sexual favours (hopefully you have a few 'special' ones held back in your arsenal) etc you can reward him with when he plays ball.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2009 05:15PM

why can't they just be friends, minus the sleepovers?. Why does he NEED to sleep over there. TBH, I really don't think they sleep in separate rooms, but obviously that's just my opinion. I bet they at least share a bed,even if they're not doing anything.

sardineta · 17-02-2009 05:19PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If you interrupt their regular patterns they will resent you and you'll come out losing

I think it's precisely their "regular patterns" that she does need to be interrupting.

Wibbs · 17-02-2009 05:20PM

username123 wrote: »

In this particular case the fact she is an ex just reeks of someone not really getting over the fact the relationship is over and one of them is clinging on in hope of it rekindling.

Agreed and it's very very similar to a rebound and why thats so bad. There are three people in the relationship where there should only be two. True mates, actual friends don't count, but in this case..... The chances are pretty high they'll get back together, or he or she will meet someone completely new that won't stand for this and set boundaries and at that point I guarantee their "friendship" will fade.

She knows exactly what she is doing too - if he is telling her everything about your relationship with him thats a complete boundary breaker as well.

I'd agree and put money on it that this is what's going on behind the scenes.

Its a simple choice, he either has a relationship with you or with her.

Bingo.

partyguinness · 17-02-2009 05:32PM

OP I am in a slightly similar situation.

The ex boyfriend is an ex husband..married years ago for 12 mths..he cheated and walked out..no kids or anything but they still see each other and she has admitted to cheating on all her other b/friends with this guy (she says they were not serious and I am different)..they never really broke up..plus they live very close together.

Now...I have spent the last 15 monthe with her and I hate he is around..I have never met him and dont want to..I spent lots of my time wrecking my head over this this like the OP..but it gets better..focus on your furture andnot her past.

What I have learnt over the past 15 mths is that time is the only factor...focus on your own relationship and developing it..dont waste time thinking about his past/ex..grit your teeth for the moment and with time he will move away from this ex but only time will tell

Another factot is..she knows him 10 years..!!..and knows me only 15 mts..I accept that 10 years cannot be swept away over night so I am just focusing on us and our future instead of her past.

Secondly, the sleepover is completely unacceptable and you really must put your foot down on this matter...if he cant see the problem well then he is an idiot and the relationship is doomed...IMO

TBH...if my g/friend stayed over with her ex for the night it would be a sackable offence..no trial no jury..straight to execution.

MIN2511 · 17-02-2009 05:48PM

Hmmm.....

It could have been me....

My ex and i were very close, he called me his best friend... His gf hated it and always started fights... I knew everything about their relationship(too much info!) one day i snapped out of it. It wasn't fair to the girl.

I believe there are exceptions to every situation and yours might just be the exception... Explain how you feel but you should know that nothing you do or say would end their friendship.....

nevershutsup · 17-02-2009 06:53PM

i have been in exactly the same situation i was the ex and the best friend.... i still am...
i was insanely jealous i was losing him at the start we have had many a row over it...
then i met her ... although we became fast friends i still was not happy....
in the end i got over it... me and him were over for a reason him and her was the best thing ever i love both of them to bits...
but if he had of thrown away our 8 nearly 9 years now for her i would not have been happy... i was at risk of bein the one to throw it away...you cant just insist it ends completly just ask for a little leeway and change and see it from you pov...
sleepovers i never did and dont think it should be done unless there is a fair amount of distance... and rightly so you should not have to put up with them... the one night a week he sees her is more than i see my best mate... yes our friendship has changed id rather say developed and flourished over the years and i got a new best friend out of it too ...

i would not freak out over it instead id get to know her you never know you just might like her more than you first thought .... but the sleepovers ... prioritising of time and sharing of personal information has got to stop ... talk about it together

baby and crumble · 17-02-2009 07:24PM

yeah, I dunno...

I suppose I can kind of see both sides arguments. I'm a best friend of an ex, who's married, and if i'm in their place at night, i'll stay over. Granted since they got married his wife is always there, but we lived together for years... Never as a couple (we broke up yonks ago), but we lived as flatmates for like, 3 years, and him and his then girlfriend (who is now his wife) had been going out with him for 3 years by that stage.

Then again, I guess it helps that after we broke up I figured out I'm a giant lesbian

, so the sex thing isn't an issue. But I do think that some girls could even have gotten into a tizz, since we do talk about most things. I think op, if your bf has known this girl a long time, and has shared memories, friends, experiences, it would be horrendous to make him choose between you.

You have to trust your bf, I think that's the bottom line here. Ok, maybe you could ask him not to share intimate details with any of his friends (seriously, don't just pick her out, it'll end badly), and then you trust him to do that. If he's been telling you about everything that's said between them, do you not think that's a good sign? He's not hiding anything, he just has a great relationship with someone who he can talk to. Have you met her? is she a decent person? Like a previous poster said, she might actually be helping your relationship along, by giving him somewhere he can vent. Most people talk about their relationships, the good and bad points, with their best mate. Plus, she knows what h e's like in a relationship, she can probably knock some sense into him if she needs to. She can tell him he's a twat when it come to x or y, or whatever.

Anyway, don't know if that has helped...

bigbadpat · 18-02-2009 01:12AM

Two into three always leaves a remainder.
One of you will loose out - He is not being loyal to you.
You may have lost him already but put your foot down and set some limits to their friendship such as no confidential details about your relationship and no sleepovers.

LegacyUser · 18-02-2009 09:40AM

Thanks for all of your replies.

In answer to a couple of points:

I really, really don't want him to finish this friendship. I value my own friends so highly and love the fact that he does have someone that he is close to, to have a laugh with, vent to, moan with, whatever, so the whole 'her or me' thing has never been an option or a threat. I am more confused as to whether I am over-reacting to the lack of boundaries that seem to exist as to what's said between them about us.

Anyway, I suppose I was just wondering if I was being a bit 'mental' thinking that their 'relationship' is a little OTT and at least the majority of you seem to see that it is a little out of kilter so to speak so I'm not the only one. That alone makes me feel a little better.

There was contact for a while between her and I and I was open at one stage to meeting but one/either or both (never got to the bottom of that one) wasn't up for it so it was left as is.

I just know that with my own friendships over the years, once that friend gets a partner, you step back a little and give them some space to develop their relationship...your friendship doesn't go away, it just changes and adapts and I feel that this hasn't happened that way. It's like I'm jostling for position or something

We have spoken again and as someone said I just have to trust that he will do as he says. I'm a great believer that actions speak louder than words.

Other than this issue I am totally head over heels with him and he is a wonderful man. We get on amazingly well and I would do anything for him. I don't want to lose him over this..

Thanks all for your input..

shellyboo · 18-02-2009 11:03AM

Ok, I went through this same exact thing - and you have to draw the boundaries, now. No more sleepovers, it's not necessary and not appropriate.

What happened in my case was totally similar - there was history between my guy and this girl (his "best friend"). She had kids, so helping her and her kids out always came first. Fine, I thought, I'm not going to interfere there, I trust him, he's being a good guy.

Then he got a new job which required him to be away 2 weeks and here 2 weeks. He also had his own daughter in England, so basically I got to see him 2 weeks and one weekend a month. Invariably, one of those weekend nights was spent with her. I didn't even flinch at that.

Then one weekend we made plans to go see my brother's band play - and he cancelled them to take her away on a weekend to Galway. She'd had a bad time recently, he said. I said... are you staying in a hotel? Yes, but not in the same room, he said. I was majorly annoyed, but it was booked, so I let it slide.

Then as the weekend approaches, I find out that they ARE staying in the same room. 'But it's a suite', he said, 'we're not sleeping in the same BED'.

Really, OP... it's a slippery slope. You let the little things go, and it could all go to hell. Give an inch and they'll take a mile. It's NOT ok for your boyfriend to be sleeping over at another woman's house. How would he feel if you were doing the same with a male friend? None too pleased, I'd imagine. Put your foot down - if sleeping under the same roof with his "friend" is more important to him than your relationship, you'll know where his priorities lie.

LegacyUser · 18-02-2009 05:42PM

Hello,
just been reading this post with interest, as Iam is a similar situation with one of my best friends (who is also an ex of mine).
Some of the replies have been interesting to say the least. If the OP doesn't mind here is some points I would like to bring up.

I was thinking if the situation so happened that the boyfriend best pal was a male would that put things in a different perspective? Or the fact that the general population find two people that have had a " history" and now have accepted that the relationship has run its course but continued with their friendship, a strange concept?

Anyhow, some of the things that your bf has discussed with his friend would make feel a little uncomfortable, regardless of who their best friend is (male, female, ex etc..). In my option some issues/topics are to be shared with the two people in the relationship and not with people outside of the relationship. Currently Iam dating a guy at the moment, and Iam not running back to my pals with all the details of the relationship, espically the intimate and personal aspects. Personally it is something that is not done as it is issue of trust. Real life is not like sex and the city.

I have stayed on nights over with my ex, but NEVER in the same bed. Usually in a separate room or if that was not possible, on the floor, camp bed etc. In these situations it was easier to have stayed over (nights out, transport etc).

Like other friendships, we have given each other space, respect and time when the other person is dating or in a relationship. And as a whole we dont discuss the whole ins and outs of each others partners. Although I find it a little strange that you havent met your bf friend all that much. I have introduced my current date to my friend and likewise my friend has introduced his date to me. Ok, we dont all hang out as a happy family every minute , but personally its nice when your date introduces you to his social circle and like wise you to him. It shows that he is happy with you and wants you to be part of his life.

Have you discussed the issues with your other half? I know you probably have, its not easy when you have to discus issues that involve a partners friend. I think the best you can do is try to accept that your bf, is not going to stop being friends overnight or anytime soon. Does he realize how much the issues that you brought up are effecting how you are feeling?

Sorry this is so long winded! Hope you and your bf, can come to a happy agreement. Best of luck in your relationship

Piste · 18-02-2009 07:35PM

If his friend were a guy everyone would be shouting "bros before hos". If I were the ex and his best friend I'd feel utterly betrayed that our friendship was taking a backseat to the relationship.

hot2def · 18-02-2009 09:03PM

if I had a girlfriend for as little as 4/5 months, and she tried to start telling me what sort of time spent with which mates was "appropriate", that would be the end of it.

I'd be careful of this advice from people about his "priorities", because I think a lot of people would put their old friends above short term (atm) sexual partners...

carlybabe1 · 18-02-2009 09:31PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeh?

I'd tell you what I'd do.

I'd tell him no more overnighters with her.
He needs to start behaving appropriately with her now that he has a girlfriend.
That means not sharing intimate private information with her and not staying overnight together any more, doesn't matter if there is no body contact, thats irrelevant. Its the intimacy and familiarity I would have a problem with.

She needs to get off your territory.

If he has a problem with that, he'd be history, but thats just me Im an alpha female and I dont do 'sharing' with other women.

No doubt all the usual naysayers will be on here in a moment telling you you're jealous and unreasonable yada yada yada, but they only sing that tune in the late teens and early 20's. As soon as people grow up they see what is and what is not acceptable.

Problem is you've let him away with it thus far, but no more. She's got to go.

:D:D excellent!!! Im not the only one

I couldnt agree more with this, and I love the alpha female thing

I think women tend to know, and men for that matter, when the piss is being taken....and if the other party resorts to calling you a jealous psycho, I would have to wonder why. After all if my beloved was worried or feeling insecure, I certainly wouldnt degrade them by insulting them.....

Best friend is a girl..as well as his ex..

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