Cross-dressing husband

moonbabe · 06-02-2009 01:40PM #1

Hi

Seven years ago my then boyfriend told me he likes to crossdress,I was fine about this, now our son has started school last september, a few months into his schooling, he brought some of his friends round to our house, my husband didn't seem to mind and just carried on regardless, as my son grew up with this, he didn't see a problem, but when the other kids came to our house, I noticed even at that young age, they stood there just staring at my husband, then, after that when I took my son to school, the parents at the school who I once got on with well, started to ignore me and giggled when I would pass, my son came home from school that day and it seems the kids who came to our house passed it round that my son's daddy was a puff & a que**r who wants to be a woman, I was so hurt by this not to mention my poor son who is now left with no friends and is rebelling out at me and my husband, I went to the school but the teachers say they will speak with the kids and their parents but the damage is now done, I hate my husband for putting us through this, I feel he's so selfish and is only thinking of himself, I am thinking of packing up and leaving with my son as my husband said he doesn't care what people say about us, and when our son is older he will understand, Should I take my son to a new school and new area away from this madness and leave my selfish self centred husband to drown in his pile of womens stuff, we would be a perfect family if it wasn't for all this.

Latchy · 06-02-2009 01:49PM

Was in local newsagents yesterday and spotted headlline on low grade british tabloid '' ( the sport) '' John Terry into crossdressing '' with photo of what looked like him looking very feminine .

No idea what the story entailed but each to their own .

g'em · 06-02-2009 02:25PM

I've split this from a general crossdressing thread in tLL and moved it to Personal Issues given that the poster is looking for advice.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2009 02:30PM

Why oh why did he cross dress in front of your childs friends?

If he knew no better himself, you should have read the stupid git the riot act!

All you can do now is up sticks and move, if you can during this credit crunch.

Your husband is a thoughtless, selfish p***k, has he any comprehension of the damage he has done?

He would be out that door if it was me.

Its nothing to do with the cross dressing, its the selfishness and stupidity of expecting other people, especially kids to accept it without question.

MagicMarker · 06-02-2009 03:00PM

Unregistered wrote: »

All you can do now is up sticks and move, if you can during this credit crunch.

That's ridiculous tbh...

OP, your husband was a dumbass to do that in front of his kid's friend, showing absolutely no sense. He may not care what people say, but his kid does.

You need to sit down and discuss this with him and make him see sense.

Lollipops23 · 06-02-2009 03:29PM

He had to have known this would happen tbh. he knew damn well he's embarass the hell out of his child by staying dressed up. whatever about doing it in private, when there's visitors round he should have had more cop on.

lickirishallsor · 06-02-2009 03:52PM

Moonbabe, you have every right to feel let down by his actions, your clearly focused on your children, ....now.

What in the name of god is he thinking? So what if he wears womens clothes, each to their own, but in the first instance, its not right that he is allowed to do it in front of your children! They are too young to understand it, and its not right that you both allowed this to happen on your watch, until they are old enough to understand and deal with his choices you both should be protecting they children from this.

Honestly even you only seem to have woken up to this when other children came to the house, did it not occur to you before that that your own children may need to be older to understand your husbands choices.

I would advise you to sort out the whole matter first, things will blow over, yes you have damaged your standing for today, but each day will heal it.

Re locating may be the best thing if your childs life is unbearable, but its going to be as stressfull moving, especially if you both allow him to wear ladies clothes in front of them.

What if your child followed suit because of his example?

I don't know the full facts but I do know your husband is irresponsible, does your husband realise that someone could report him to social services?

Nevyn · 06-02-2009 03:54PM

lickirishallsor wrote: »

I don't know the full facts but I do know your husband is irresponsible, does your husband realise that someone could report him to social services?

That is complete rubbish and scare mongering and far from being helpful.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

McCABE1 · 06-02-2009 03:54PM

That was so inconsiderate of your husband, kids get teased so easily these days, about the slightest little thing and unfortunately for you, cross dressing is a huge thing !! Its something that may follow your son around for quite a while. Even an imbicile would know that your son was in for some serious sh*t when he got back to school, your husband was completely selfish to put him in that position.
Having said all that, leaving him would cause your son so much more upset. You say you have a perfect family only for that, this means that you all love eachother. You need to sit your husband down and explain that if there are people over, its dude's clothes only. MAKE him see sense and do things your way. At the end of the day you seem like a very tolerant person to allow him to cross dress in front of you and your son, there are many women that would have walked because of that. It seems to me he has a nice thing going with his family, he should give something back now.

06-02-2009 03:59PM

Pretty slack of your husband.This would obviously embarass your kid.

Nevyn · 06-02-2009 04:02PM

Children won't see it as werid or not normal if they have grown up with it.

It is past time you sat down and had a rational converstaion with your husband about
how to manage this issue in reguards to the children and visitors to the home.

Yes people talk and people will talk about something which is unusual but there is
no harm in what your husband is doing it is just for a lot of people unusual.
Pity the people who have sod all of intrest in thier lives then to talk about what your husband wears around the house.

If you feel the need for new boundaries now that the children are getting old then
have a dicussion about that, I am surprised you have not done so before hand.

Personally I think moving is way to drastic an action.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2009 04:04PM

my husband said he doesn't care what people say about us

Extremely selfish.
Challenge him on this, he has no right to be making decisions on behalf on you and your little boy. You are the ones that have to run the gauntlet at school. This is totally needless, he can get his kicks dressing behind closed doors after all.

lickirishallsor · 06-02-2009 04:10PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Children won't see it as werid or not normal if they have grown up with it.

Thats a big generalisation, I totally disagree with you in this particular instance.

MagicMarker · 06-02-2009 04:13PM

lickirishallsor wrote: »

Thats a big generalisation, I totally disagree with you in this particular instance.

It's actually common sense. If a child grows up watching his dad in women's clothing about the house, of course he/she will think it's normal, why wouldn't they?

Nevyn · 06-02-2009 04:13PM

lickirishallsor wrote: »

Thats a big generalisation, I totally disagree with you in this particular instance.

Children are innocents and will accept they way things are in the family home
as being normal up until a point where outside influences come into play and then if a person is living what is considered an 'alternative' lifestyle which does
impact on the children and they had best have prepared themselves for when that happens and the children have questions or better yet have explained
to the children that different people live their lives in different ways and different is not lesser or bad.

vandermeyde · 06-02-2009 04:20PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Children are innocents and will accept they way things are in the family home
as being normal up until a point where outside influences come into play and then if a person is living what is considered an 'alternative' lifestyle which does
impact on the children and they had best have prepared themselves for when that happens and the children have questions or better yet have explained
to the children that different people live their lives in different ways and different is not lesser or bad.

Once a child has started school they will learn pretty quickly that it is not "normal" behaviour for their father to dress up in women's clothing. They will be confused, embarassed and I wouldn't be surprised if they were even ashamed. Anything that has a child identifiable as being outside of the "norm" is enought for them to become a target for bullying and all that comes with it.

In this case, the father has been an idiot. Whatever about assuming it would be ok with his own child, to then parade himself in front of an outsider is the height of idiocy. He's opened a pandora's box for that young kid that will probably follow them for the rest of their juvenile life.

I'm as open-minded as they come but to be honest I find this all very distasteful and I have nothing but sympathy for that kid.

lickirishallsor · 06-02-2009 04:27PM

moonbabe wrote: »

my poor son who is now left with no friends and is rebelling out at me and my husband, I went to the school but the teachers say they will speak with the kids and their parents but the damage is now done,

Your not wrong in saying the children will accept it as normal as long as external influences are withheld, but in this instance the child is integrating with society via school, and so has crossed the line where this was all naively normal, now in this childs life not all daddies wear dresses, only his.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2009 04:34PM

Your husband has been totally wrong from day one to expose your children to this, for two main reasons:

1) A man dressing up as a woman is not 'normal'. It is a fetish. Thus it should not be done in front of impressionable children who deserve to be brought up in a stable and normal environment before making their own life decisions when they reach adulthood. It's hard enough to bring up children nowadays with the amount of gratuitous violence and sex they are exposed to daily on TV and other media, without involving a parent as well.

2) Your husband's reason for dressing up, I would guess, primarily stems from a sexual motive. I'm sure he doesn't do it for humour or for a laugh; like any crossdresser, he likely gets some kick out of it. Again, it's totally inappropriate that this should be carried out in front of children.

You really need to sit your husband down and stress - I mean STRESS - how wrong he is. This behaviour should be kept to himself and not involve other people unless they are consenting adults. I fear that your children will already have been too affected by it, but perhaps he can undo some of the damage now by stopping and showing them some normality again.

Craft25 · 06-02-2009 04:38PM

First of all give your husband a verbal slap!

if you can make out to the community that the kids just walked in and 'caught' your husband in the act then i'm sure it will blow over and open minded parents will understand.. But if your husband is exhibiting his kinks in front of children then it seems WAY OTT

if your husband thinks the whole world should be OK with it thats his business, but if he wants to bring your child into his battle against societies norms (right or wrong) then you will have to consider carefully how it will affect your child.. he shouldn't have that weight on his shoulders at such a young age

Nevyn · 06-02-2009 04:46PM

Cross dressing is not always fetish or a sexual fetish, some men just feel more comfortable
in a skirt the same way some women just feel more comfortable in trousers.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2009 05:28PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cross dressing is not always fetish or a sexual fetish, some men just feel more comfortable
in a skirt the same way some women just feel more comfortable in trousers.

There is an abundance of 'comfortable' men's clothes available if that's the case.

pwd · 06-02-2009 05:37PM

It's easy for him to brave now that he's an adult with a family who accept him. I'm sure he didn't dress up like that when he was a kid and in school though. It's not remotelty fair of him to put your son in that situation.

estar · 06-02-2009 05:40PM

being a parent is about putting your childs welfare first.

your husband is allowed be himself, but he needs to cop on, and protect his child from the small mindedness of irish society.

depressing tho it is, some people are quick to jump on different people.

anyway, why not spread the rumour (tell the most nosey) that your husband is an amatuer actor that dresses in character when preparing for a part.

(then make your husband join a drama society in a near by town as back up)

say that he really gets into it, and likes to try his character out on people to see is it convincing and obviously it was.

men who like to cross dress have been expressing themselves using drama as an outlet for centuries.

and tell him to stop being so selfish and meet the world half way.

so he doesnt want to change - neither does the world. he has to meet it in the middle.

King of Kings · 06-02-2009 05:43PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cross dressing is not always fetish or a sexual fetish, some men just feel more comfortable
in a skirt the same way some women just feel more comfortable in trousers.

get outha town! cross dressing is sexual in nature and to dress it up as anything but is to insult our intelligence.
your liberal agenda isn't washing here.

To inflict his choice of lifestyle on the the kid is morally wrong.
He has set his wife and child up for ridicule in teh community.

I'm quite liberal about lifestyles but my son would not be going around to play in a house where the father played dress up. EVER.
And I'd be furious...I mean FURIOUS if my son was subjected to that by one of his friends father.
keep it for the clubs/bedroom/privacy

And despite your assertions in a previous post - social service(and if they didn't they should) would prob take a dim view that he exposed the kid (and other kids ffs - it's worse in that cos they're not his own) to himself in all his feminine glory.

He sounds like he is very selfish or has an unbelievable lack of self control.

MagicMarker · 06-02-2009 05:46PM

King of Kings wrote: »

get outha town! cross dressing is sexual in nature and to dress it up as anything but is to insult our intelligence.
your liberal agenda isn't washing here.

To inflict his choice of lifestyle on the the kid is morally wrong.
He has set his wife and child up for ridicule in teh community.

I'm quite liberal about lifestyles but my son would not be going around to play in a house where the father played dress up. EVER.
And I'd be furious...I mean FURIOUS if my son was subjected to that by one of his friends father.
keep it for the clubs/bedroom/privacy

And despite your assertions in a previous post - social service(and if they didn't they should) would prob take a dim view that he exposed the kid (and other kids ffs - it's worse in that cos they're not his own) to himself in all his feminine glory.

He sounds like he is very selfish or has an unbelievable lack of self control.

Who says cross dressing is sexual in nature? And why should someone (anyone) have to keep it ''for the clubs/bedroom/privacy''? That's a rather close minded attitude tbh.

estar · 06-02-2009 05:51PM

its just clothes. CLOTHES.

he isnt doing drugs in front of the kids. or rolling home locked every night.

he wears material shaped in a way that traditionally has been worn by women.

arabs wear similarly shaped clothes. indian people do too.

i know someone who had to wear a dress (man) for a hindu ceremony.

it doesnt make him a raging deviant.

however he does seem particularly naive and unworried about managing his impact on his son through SOCIETYS judgemental nature.

you cant stop gossip by going to the teacher. you can only now contain the reactions your son is now exposed to (see above for indian men wearing dresses, beckham wearing a skirt etc for things he can say to the teasing).

your son is only small. can't your husband put aside his crusade for five minutes to try and let him have that normal image every child craves in reality.

no child likes to be the differnet kid.

however it could be far far worse. he could beat you. he could spend all your money on drink. he could be a womaniser.

of these people that are gossiping, many of them could be married to men just like the above.

his crime is - he likes wearing a dress. personally i couldnt give a sh%t if my neighbour liked to wear a dress if he was a decent person.

i would see it as unusual for a man to deliberately draw attention to it in front of children the cruellest judges. maybe he has lived for many years in hiding and now wnats to be free

your son should not be the prisoner of his freedom.

my advice - go the drama route, and save your marraige.

Pub07 · 06-02-2009 05:51PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cross dressing is not always fetish or a sexual fetish, some men just feel more comfortable
in a skirt the same way some women just feel more comfortable in trousers.

It is 100% a fetish, they get a kick out of it. Guys dont just say 'jaysus, that dress is pretty comfortable I think Ill wear it into town today while I do my weekly shopping', it is a serious lifestyle choice for a guy to decide to wear womens clothes out in public, its not simply a matter of being more comfortable.

Craft25 · 06-02-2009 05:55PM

Personally i think its about exploring issues of gender and doesnt necesarily have to involve sex.

BUT this thread should surely be about the child/children, and what he did itself.

He obviously feels some need not just to enjoy the feeling, but to display it to the world.. he should not choose children to do that!! Estar suggested drama and thats a good idea or just look up the relevant clubs/spots where he can bring it into the public in a less risky and harmful manner.

Chucky the tree · 06-02-2009 05:59PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

Who says cross dressing is sexual in nature? And why should someone (anyone) have to keep it ''for the clubs/bedroom/privacy''? That's a rather close minded attitude tbh.

Would you wear womens clothes going into your job? I doubt it somehow, and we both know the reason why and I dont think it's because you'd be uncomfortable in them. I feel sorry for the OP's kid, he's going crucified in school and especially seconadary school.

MagicMarker · 06-02-2009 06:06PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Would you wear womens clothes going into your job? I doubt it somehow, and we both know the reason why and I dont think it's because you'd be uncomfortable in them. I feel sorry for the OP's kid, he's going crucified in school and especially seconadary school.

I wouldn't, no. But then again I have no desire to. But if I did, shouldn't I be allowed to without persecution or for fear of being called a fag or a perv?

The guy could have shown a little tact for the sake of his kid, but what he did wasn't necessarily ''wrong''.

Sinall · 06-02-2009 06:11PM

Hopefully your son will grow up with an accepting attitude and he will probably understand when he gets older - which I believe it what your husband said.

However that does not help your son now and I don't think it is right for your husband to expect your son to go through years of teasing, ostracizing and possibly worse because of his cross-dressing.

Children who don't see this at home and who hear their parents discussing it in an unaccepting manner will bring this attitude into school. I hope your husband realises that it is not fair on your son for him to cross-dress in front on your son's friends.

Cross-dressing husband

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