Is she lying about her fertility?

useful_contacts · 26-01-2009 06:23AM #1

I was out tonight with the family and my brother gets a bit drunk and starts crying on my shoulder.

Hes with his wife 10 years (married for 3) , they are both in their early 30s and in very good high paid jobs, they always talked about having children but it was never the right time. 2 months ago his wife was made redundant and he figured there was no better time to stat a family (he has a lot of money so that wasnt an issue).

When he mentioned it to her she didnt seem too happy and she changed the subject, so he didnt mention it again for about a week, then when he said it again she got angry at him, she then claimed she had a feeling she couldnt have children. So he asked would she go to the doc and she said she would.

The next day she had an appoitment for fertility tests, an hour after she left she came home and said the doc said she is infertile. Now as far as i know fertility testing means you have to wait a few weeks for the results and she found out straight away that sounds sketchy enough to me... but theres more

2 weeks after the doctors appoitment it was their annivsery, he took her out for dinner, she went to the bathroom during it and left her bag on the table.Her phone started ringing and he went to turn it off as the whole restaurant was looking at him and in her bag was the pill (it was a new batch of it as it has that days date on it) He said nothing to her as he didnt want to start an argument.That night she got v drunk and when they went home they started fooling around, and in the middle of things she said "dont forget the condom", he said why and she said "cos i dont wanna get pregnant". When he said "why would you say that when you told me your infertile and why the hell are you still on the pill" She started screaming at him for "going through her things" and stormed off to the spare room, and shes been sleeping there ever since.

He thinks shes been lying about her fertility and i agree..

No 1. She got her "results" straight away, i dont think thats even possible(never mind the fact ive 2 wait 3days to see a doc for a kidney infection and she gets in straight away for a fertility test
no 2. The new batch of the pill...
no 3. The "condom" comment

It just doesnt seem right to me, she refuses to talk about it since, anytime he mentions it she just starts screaming at him. I think shes lying about her fertility because deep down she doesnt want children, but my brother loves kids and has always wanted a family.

embee · 26-01-2009 06:25AM

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

useful_contacts · 26-01-2009 06:28AM

embee wrote: »

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Well considering my brother confided in me - it is

embee · 26-01-2009 06:43AM

useful_contacts wrote: »

Well considering my brother confided in me - it is

He confided in you. That doesn't mean that it's up to you to take this issue on and deal with it on his behalf. It's his wife, his marriage, his future. All you can do is be there to support him when he's having difficulties. Beyond that, they're the couple in the situation. You are just an outsider privy to some information pertaining to their marriage. It doesn't concern you beyond the fact that your brother's been upset.

It's patently obvious that she's lied about her fertility, but the reasons why have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Mr. Frost · 26-01-2009 06:46AM

embee wrote: »

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Well it does as his brother, as he mentioned, confided in him. And he's here asking for opinions. It's not as if he's confronting his sister in-law with the mattter, so yes it does have something to do with him in the context of the matter.

It's obvious she doesn't want kids. Did they talk about it before? If she wanted kids and now doesn't now - that looks bad for the relationship maybe. Perhaps she doesn't want to start a family with your brother? Maybe she's having doubts about the relationship? I'm just speculating, obviously.

He needs to talk to her, get to the bottom of what's going on and you perhaps should speak with him - get him to do that. It might be hard and there might be a few things he doesn't want to hear but no use ignoring it. Best of luck to your brother.

banquo · 26-01-2009 07:26AM

The OP just wants what's best for his brother, who's marriage might depend on this question and deserves the truth. If my brother suddenly became insecure in his marriage to the point of crying on my shoulder I'd be making the same post here and on a dozen other forums. It's totally fair to ask this question here.

What isn't fair - not that it's my place to say, really, - is the level of honesty and respect that the OP's sister in law has been showing her husband.

OP, it very much sounds like she is lying about her infertility.

embee · 26-01-2009 08:02AM

I didn't say the OP shouldn't comfort his brother or seek advice.

Its just that, IMO, the ultimate issue will only be resolved by his brother and his sister in law. We can offer all the advice he needs and yes, I think he should talk to his brother and try to get his brother to confront the wife but that's all he can do.

There is such a thing as getting too involved.

CDfm · 26-01-2009 08:14AM

it seems to me just like it does to you that her answers do not add up.

some women dont want babies and want to be child free. if your brother does want children then maybe its a real blow for him.

if she is lying on this maybe your brother is looking for your support on difficulties his marriage is having and maybe it is time for a heart to heart

spurious · 26-01-2009 08:27AM

The Pill can be prescribed for many things.
What your brother saw in the bag may not have been the Pill.

It is not really any of your business.

uberwolf · 26-01-2009 09:06AM

It is his business, because his brother has asked for advice.

OP - yes she is lying about her fertility. Do you have another question for the thought police?

MagicMarker · 26-01-2009 09:45AM

His brother made it his business by confiding in him. There's no harm in the OP coming here for advice on the brother's behalf.

jessbeth · 26-01-2009 11:33AM

I don't know anywhere you can go in this country and get fertility results that fast. I would presume it is the same for every other country.
If they could do it that fast there would be a lot of couples in a lot less pain I'm sure. The only way she could know that fast is if the doc has ultrasound equipment and she obviously doesn't have any ovaries or something.

Secondly if she was sure she was infertile then she wouldn't need the pill or condoms. That would be totally pointless.

She is obviously lying about it one way or the other.

I would advise that they get counselling together. She may have a fear of giving birth, of not being a good mother, of loosing her figure. There could be alsorts of reasons. It doesn't make her a bad person. It would be best if they went to the doc together and let him explain everything.

Darragh29 · 26-01-2009 11:40AM

Is there any chance that the thoughts of having a baby scares the bejasus out of her??? I've told people before that I'm glad I was born a guy because I simply would not be able to go through the process of preganancy and more importantly, childbirth. Horses for courses and all of that, some people are simply rattled by some things, pregnancy and childbirth are major events, obviously some people take the challenge on with open arms, I imagine equally as many people would be terrified of the same ordeal...

EDIT: I think your on the right track there with her lying about the fertility tests. Sure why on earh would you need to be on the pill if you were actually infertile??? There is obviously much more to her position on pregnancy and childbirth than she is willing to discuss at the moment...

happyoutscan · 26-01-2009 11:45AM

embee wrote: »

He confided in you. That doesn't mean that it's up to you to take this issue on and deal with it on his behalf. It's his wife, his marriage, his future. All you can do is be there to support him when he's having difficulties. Beyond that, they're the couple in the situation. You are just an outsider privy to some information pertaining to their marriage. It doesn't concern you beyond the fact that your brother's been upset.

It's patently obvious that she's lied about her fertility, but the reasons why have absolutely nothing to do with you.

My God what is your problem? Get over yourself.

Crash Bang Wall · 26-01-2009 11:50AM

It is his business. Its his brother for Gods sake

Hobart · 26-01-2009 11:51AM

embee wrote: »

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Hmmmm she's asking a number of questions wrt something her brother confided in her, and you come up with that?

I presume the op is not going to get directly involved with here sister in law, and start banging about accusations? If her brother has asked her advice (which reading between the lines he has) well then, despite the fact that it is her brother, of course it is something got to do with her. Don't be so silly FFS.

OP, there are tests out there that claim they can give results in less than an hour. The "condom" comment could be down to drink/habit, and the pill can easily be explained away by, for example, the relief they give due to heavy/painful periods. You can get a doctors appointment within one hour, no problem whatsoever. I'm sure a GP can perform a fertility test, as they can be bought over the counter in the UK (and I'm fairly sure that they are available here).

If I was to advise your brother , I would tell him to try and have a chat with his OH. Not only about the whole "babies" issue but also about the way that she seems to be reacting everytime the subject is raised. It's quite possible that the girl in question is infertile, and that the news of this has had a very negative effect on her. She may be taking the news quite bad, and the subject being raised, in the manner it appears to be with her, is not very sensitive tbh.

./Edit Link to article on IH.com
http://www.irishhealth.com/article.html?id=2562

John Mason · 26-01-2009 11:51AM

this is none of your business IMO

you should be there for your brother and encourage your brother to make his own enquiries.

if i confided in my brother about something and then found it plastered all over the internet - i would not be impressed.

you are already making judgements on your sister-in-law but you dont have all the facts, you only have your brothers side, there are two sides to every arguement and you need to know all the facts before you can take sides

jim o doom · 26-01-2009 12:05PM

The pill can be perscribed to help period symptoms, can't it? But making sure he wears a condom, when she is supposedly "infertile" would literally serve no purpose whatsoever.

Obviously your brother want's children & maybe she just isn't ready yet, but the fact remains that she has clearly lied to him about the situation, which is something that will need to be talked over between them.

I would suggest you tell your bro he should approach his wife with an open mind about what fears she might have, that could have led her to lie about the situation. Clearly she has lied, but also he shouldn't have gone through her bag.

Her storming off and "sleeping in the spare room" because she was caught lying is childish and will only cause problems in the long run..

Pub07 · 26-01-2009 12:41PM

embee wrote: »

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

That's daft. Its his brother for god sake, not some random person on the street. The brother is upset and confided in him so its got everything to do with him.

Sounds to me like she's lying op, Hobart put some forward some possible explanations for it all but there are alot of 'ifs' there. Did she even try and come up with an explanation for it or did she just start screaming?

ogriofa · 26-01-2009 12:57PM

Her lying about it, while super-bad form and wrong, is understandable. It's obviously a really sensitive subject.

Maybe she's lying because she's freaked out about some element of this or she's just a liar that was caught out.
Maybe she has known for years that she was infertile and didnt tell your bro before they got married because she knew he wanted children. Maybe this has been on her mind for years.

This could be a chance to really be there for her. That or she's a lying rech, only your brother will know.

CDfm · 26-01-2009 01:41PM

jim o doom wrote: »

The pill can be perscribed to help period symptoms, can't it? But making sure he wears a condom, when she is supposedly "infertile" would literally serve no purpose whatsoever.

well there are other reasons why she might use contraception and lie:rolleyes:

embee · 26-01-2009 02:33PM

happyoutscan wrote: »

My God what is your problem? Get over yourself.

Very helpful post for the OP, well done :rolleyes:

Hobart wrote: »

Hmmmm she's asking a number of questions wrt something her brother confided in her, and you come up with that?

I presume the op is not going to get directly involved with here sister in law, and start banging about accusations? If her brother has asked her advice (which reading between the lines he has) well then, despite the fact that it is her brother, of course it is something got to do with her. Don't be so silly FFS.
http://www.irishhealth.com/article.html?id=2562

I'm not being silly at all. All I've said is that ultimately its none of his business. Beyond being a support for his brother and trying to offer him sound advice, that's all he can do.

I did actually say this already but apparently one or two people glossed over it.

embee wrote:

I didn't say the OP shouldn't comfort his brother or seek advice.

Its just that, IMO, the ultimate issue will only be resolved by his brother and his sister in law. We can offer all the advice he needs and yes, I think he should talk to his brother and try to get his brother to confront the wife but that's all he can do.

There is such a thing as getting too involved.

Mind Hunter 85 · 26-01-2009 03:00PM

Hi Op

I Would say without a doubt shes lying but I can't because people will probably slam me .
So I will say instead its highly likely shes lying.
First most but not all doctors aren't willing to do tests on fertility without a reason for example prior history or they were actually trying for 6 months to a year based on age.
I had a prior history of problems with fertility and they didn't want to do a thing about checking anything for a year.
Those home test kits another poster talked about are extremely inaccurate it goes either way test could be right or wrong its 50/50 and while doctors will perform a simalar test its one thats sent out and takes time to get the results back .
There's just no way of finding out that your infertile in that time frame short of discovering you have some of your reproductive organs missing etc.

She either doesn't want kids ,doesnt want kids now or has developed a fear of pregnancy/childbirth.
The bigger problem here is she can't be honest with her husband about things and is making up stories to cover her tracks.

Lollipops23 · 26-01-2009 03:22PM

for the doc to diagnose her infertile would take a referral to the hospital and numerous examinations/scans and so on. there's no way he'd tell her straight off. also, the "i don't want to get pregnant" comment may be a red flag. If they discussed babies before marriage and she lied, that'd be a deal-breaker. it's too important.

Samba · 26-01-2009 03:28PM

OP I don't honestly think you really needed confirmation tbh, as it's quite glaringly obvious.

What is not obvious are her reasons.

At this point the best your brother could do is try and tackle the emotional barrier his Wife has insulated herself with.

She is being ultra defensive and she is doing everything to try and avoid the issue, again everyone can only speculate as to why.

There are not many options here but.

Your brother can suggest that they talk, not necessarily about the sensitive issue at hand, just talking would be a good start.

If she is not open to that, suggest counseling as a couple.

If she is not open to that, suggest she go see someone on her own (with a view to go together further down the line)

She clearly has issues about something bottled up, again we can only speculate and that's not really fair.

If she downright refuses to talk about this, things certainly are not going to get any better.

useful_contacts · 26-01-2009 04:00PM

Mr. Frost wrote: »

Well it does as his brother, as he mentioned, confided in him.

Im a woman

Mr. Frost wrote: »

It's obvious she doesn't want kids. Did they talk about it before? If she wanted kids and now doesn't now - that looks bad for the relationship maybe. Perhaps she doesn't want to start a family with your brother? Maybe she's having doubts about the relationship? I'm just speculating, obviously.

Yes as mentioned in the orginal post, they always planned to have a family, but it was never the right time, she wanted to stay at work for a few more years, she wanted to wait until she was older etc... and now that time has come

Mr. Frost wrote: »

He needs to talk to her, get to the bottom of what's going on and you perhaps should speak with him - get him to do that. It might be hard and there might be a few things he doesn't want to hear but no use ignoring it. Best of luck to your brother.

I called him today and he said he brought up the subject this morning and she said "If you want kids **** off and shag someone else cos your not getting any off me"

embee · 26-01-2009 04:18PM

useful_contacts wrote: »

I called him today and he said he brought up the subject this morning and she said "If you want kids **** off and shag someone else cos your not getting any off me"

Wow OP,

Sorry to hear that your sister in law has responded so harshly towards your brother. It's mind-boggling that she's so angry and aggressive towards him. Who knows, there could be all sorts of issues bubbling under the surface but I really feel for your brother, no-one deserves to be spoken to like that.

If I were I your brothers situation, I would seriously be questioning what sort of future my marriage had when both parties want entirely different things. Either way I'm sure your brother is going through a lot of turmoil and will need the support of family and friends. He is lucky to have a sister he can confide in and the best thing you can do is be there for him.

His wife seems very very angry and may need some help with whatever issues she is dealing with. Marriage counselling may be an option for them... It is a horrible situation and I really feel desperately sad for your brother.

beth-lou · 26-01-2009 04:24PM

Is she lying? Yes.

He needs to find out why.

If she doesn't want kids well that's her choice, but what worries me is that she would rather lie about her fertility than be honest with him about something as important as this. He needs to talk to her, and if she isn't willing to at least talk about it, then he needs to look at the relationship and their furure. It's very hard, all you can do is to encourage him to talk to her in a very gentle manner and to try to come to a compromise. Although she does sound very defensive.

happyoutscan · 26-01-2009 04:40PM

embee wrote: »

Very helpful post for the OP, well done :rolleyes:

No advice is better than the tripe you're sprouting.

TradeSecrets · 26-01-2009 04:48PM

Tell him to contact

http://www.fertilitycare.ie/

Best option in Ireland

Beruthiel · 26-01-2009 05:04PM

happyoutscan wrote: »

No advice is better than the tripe you're sprouting.

Another comment like that and I'll ban you from this forum.

Is she lying about her fertility?

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