Is she lying about her fertility?

useful_contacts

I was out tonight with the family and my brother gets a bit drunk and starts crying on my shoulder.

Hes with his wife 10 years (married for 3) , they are both in their early 30s and in very good high paid jobs, they always talked about having children but it was never the right time. 2 months ago his wife was made redundant and he figured there was no better time to stat a family (he has a lot of money so that wasnt an issue).

When he mentioned it to her she didnt seem too happy and she changed the subject, so he didnt mention it again for about a week, then when he said it again she got angry at him, she then claimed she had a feeling she couldnt have children. So he asked would she go to the doc and she said she would.

The next day she had an appoitment for fertility tests, an hour after she left she came home and said the doc said she is infertile. Now as far as i know fertility testing means you have to wait a few weeks for the results and she found out straight away that sounds sketchy enough to me... but theres more

2 weeks after the doctors appoitment it was their annivsery, he took her out for dinner, she went to the bathroom during it and left her bag on the table.Her phone started ringing and he went to turn it off as the whole restaurant was looking at him and in her bag was the pill (it was a new batch of it as it has that days date on it) He said nothing to her as he didnt want to start an argument.That night she got v drunk and when they went home they started fooling around, and in the middle of things she said "dont forget the condom", he said why and she said "cos i dont wanna get pregnant". When he said "why would you say that when you told me your infertile and why the hell are you still on the pill" She started screaming at him for "going through her things" and stormed off to the spare room, and shes been sleeping there ever since.

He thinks shes been lying about her fertility and i agree..

No 1. She got her "results" straight away, i dont think thats even possible(never mind the fact ive 2 wait 3days to see a doc for a kidney infection and she gets in straight away for a fertility test
no 2. The new batch of the pill...
no 3. The "condom" comment

It just doesnt seem right to me, she refuses to talk about it since, anytime he mentions it she just starts screaming at him. I think shes lying about her fertility because deep down she doesnt want children, but my brother loves kids and has always wanted a family.

embee

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

useful_contacts

embee wrote: »

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Well considering my brother confided in me - it is

embee

useful_contacts wrote: »

Well considering my brother confided in me - it is

He confided in you. That doesn't mean that it's up to you to take this issue on and deal with it on his behalf. It's his wife, his marriage, his future. All you can do is be there to support him when he's having difficulties. Beyond that, they're the couple in the situation. You are just an outsider privy to some information pertaining to their marriage. It doesn't concern you beyond the fact that your brother's been upset.

It's patently obvious that she's lied about her fertility, but the reasons why have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Mr. Frost

embee wrote: »

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Well it does as his brother, as he mentioned, confided in him. And he's here asking for opinions. It's not as if he's confronting his sister in-law with the mattter, so yes it does have something to do with him in the context of the matter.

It's obvious she doesn't want kids. Did they talk about it before? If she wanted kids and now doesn't now - that looks bad for the relationship maybe. Perhaps she doesn't want to start a family with your brother? Maybe she's having doubts about the relationship? I'm just speculating, obviously.

He needs to talk to her, get to the bottom of what's going on and you perhaps should speak with him - get him to do that. It might be hard and there might be a few things he doesn't want to hear but no use ignoring it. Best of luck to your brother.

banquo

The OP just wants what's best for his brother, who's marriage might depend on this question and deserves the truth. If my brother suddenly became insecure in his marriage to the point of crying on my shoulder I'd be making the same post here and on a dozen other forums. It's totally fair to ask this question here.

What isn't fair - not that it's my place to say, really, - is the level of honesty and respect that the OP's sister in law has been showing her husband.

OP, it very much sounds like she is lying about her infertility.

embee

I didn't say the OP shouldn't comfort his brother or seek advice.

Its just that, IMO, the ultimate issue will only be resolved by his brother and his sister in law. We can offer all the advice he needs and yes, I think he should talk to his brother and try to get his brother to confront the wife but that's all he can do.

There is such a thing as getting too involved.

CDfm

it seems to me just like it does to you that her answers do not add up.

some women dont want babies and want to be child free. if your brother does want children then maybe its a real blow for him.

if she is lying on this maybe your brother is looking for your support on difficulties his marriage is having and maybe it is time for a heart to heart

spurious

The Pill can be prescribed for many things.
What your brother saw in the bag may not have been the Pill.

It is not really any of your business.

uberwolf

It is his business, because his brother has asked for advice.

OP - yes she is lying about her fertility. Do you have another question for the thought police?

MagicMarker

His brother made it his business by confiding in him. There's no harm in the OP coming here for advice on the brother's behalf.

jessbeth

I don't know anywhere you can go in this country and get fertility results that fast. I would presume it is the same for every other country.
If they could do it that fast there would be a lot of couples in a lot less pain I'm sure. The only way she could know that fast is if the doc has ultrasound equipment and she obviously doesn't have any ovaries or something.

Secondly if she was sure she was infertile then she wouldn't need the pill or condoms. That would be totally pointless.

She is obviously lying about it one way or the other.

I would advise that they get counselling together. She may have a fear of giving birth, of not being a good mother, of loosing her figure. There could be alsorts of reasons. It doesn't make her a bad person. It would be best if they went to the doc together and let him explain everything.

Darragh29

Is there any chance that the thoughts of having a baby scares the bejasus out of her??? I've told people before that I'm glad I was born a guy because I simply would not be able to go through the process of preganancy and more importantly, childbirth. Horses for courses and all of that, some people are simply rattled by some things, pregnancy and childbirth are major events, obviously some people take the challenge on with open arms, I imagine equally as many people would be terrified of the same ordeal...

EDIT: I think your on the right track there with her lying about the fertility tests. Sure why on earh would you need to be on the pill if you were actually infertile??? There is obviously much more to her position on pregnancy and childbirth than she is willing to discuss at the moment...

happyoutscan

embee wrote: »

He confided in you. That doesn't mean that it's up to you to take this issue on and deal with it on his behalf. It's his wife, his marriage, his future. All you can do is be there to support him when he's having difficulties. Beyond that, they're the couple in the situation. You are just an outsider privy to some information pertaining to their marriage. It doesn't concern you beyond the fact that your brother's been upset.

It's patently obvious that she's lied about her fertility, but the reasons why have absolutely nothing to do with you.

My God what is your problem? Get over yourself.

Crash Bang Wall

It is his business. Its his brother for Gods sake

Hobart

embee wrote: »

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

Hmmmm she's asking a number of questions wrt something her brother confided in her, and you come up with that?

I presume the op is not going to get directly involved with here sister in law, and start banging about accusations? If her brother has asked her advice (which reading between the lines he has) well then, despite the fact that it is her brother, of course it is something got to do with her. Don't be so silly FFS.

OP, there are tests out there that claim they can give results in less than an hour. The "condom" comment could be down to drink/habit, and the pill can easily be explained away by, for example, the relief they give due to heavy/painful periods. You can get a doctors appointment within one hour, no problem whatsoever. I'm sure a GP can perform a fertility test, as they can be bought over the counter in the UK (and I'm fairly sure that they are available here).

If I was to advise your brother , I would tell him to try and have a chat with his OH. Not only about the whole "babies" issue but also about the way that she seems to be reacting everytime the subject is raised. It's quite possible that the girl in question is infertile, and that the news of this has had a very negative effect on her. She may be taking the news quite bad, and the subject being raised, in the manner it appears to be with her, is not very sensitive tbh.

./Edit Link to article on IH.com
http://www.irishhealth.com/article.html?id=2562

John Mason

this is none of your business IMO

you should be there for your brother and encourage your brother to make his own enquiries.

if i confided in my brother about something and then found it plastered all over the internet - i would not be impressed.

you are already making judgements on your sister-in-law but you dont have all the facts, you only have your brothers side, there are two sides to every arguement and you need to know all the facts before you can take sides

jim o doom

The pill can be perscribed to help period symptoms, can't it? But making sure he wears a condom, when she is supposedly "infertile" would literally serve no purpose whatsoever.

Obviously your brother want's children & maybe she just isn't ready yet, but the fact remains that she has clearly lied to him about the situation, which is something that will need to be talked over between them.

I would suggest you tell your bro he should approach his wife with an open mind about what fears she might have, that could have led her to lie about the situation. Clearly she has lied, but also he shouldn't have gone through her bag.

Her storming off and "sleeping in the spare room" because she was caught lying is childish and will only cause problems in the long run..

Pub07

embee wrote: »

Well, clearly she either doesn't want kids at all, or doesn't want them yet.

Either way, it's nothing to do with you.

That's daft. Its his brother for god sake, not some random person on the street. The brother is upset and confided in him so its got everything to do with him.

Sounds to me like she's lying op, Hobart put some forward some possible explanations for it all but there are alot of 'ifs' there. Did she even try and come up with an explanation for it or did she just start screaming?

ogriofa

Her lying about it, while super-bad form and wrong, is understandable. It's obviously a really sensitive subject.

Maybe she's lying because she's freaked out about some element of this or she's just a liar that was caught out.
Maybe she has known for years that she was infertile and didnt tell your bro before they got married because she knew he wanted children. Maybe this has been on her mind for years.

This could be a chance to really be there for her. That or she's a lying rech, only your brother will know.

CDfm

jim o doom wrote: »

The pill can be perscribed to help period symptoms, can't it? But making sure he wears a condom, when she is supposedly "infertile" would literally serve no purpose whatsoever.

well there are other reasons why she might use contraception and lie:rolleyes:

embee

happyoutscan wrote: »

My God what is your problem? Get over yourself.

Very helpful post for the OP, well done :rolleyes:

Hobart wrote: »

Hmmmm she's asking a number of questions wrt something her brother confided in her, and you come up with that?

I presume the op is not going to get directly involved with here sister in law, and start banging about accusations? If her brother has asked her advice (which reading between the lines he has) well then, despite the fact that it is her brother, of course it is something got to do with her. Don't be so silly FFS.
http://www.irishhealth.com/article.html?id=2562

I'm not being silly at all. All I've said is that ultimately its none of his business. Beyond being a support for his brother and trying to offer him sound advice, that's all he can do.

I did actually say this already but apparently one or two people glossed over it.

embee wrote:

I didn't say the OP shouldn't comfort his brother or seek advice.

Its just that, IMO, the ultimate issue will only be resolved by his brother and his sister in law. We can offer all the advice he needs and yes, I think he should talk to his brother and try to get his brother to confront the wife but that's all he can do.

There is such a thing as getting too involved.

Mind Hunter 85

Hi Op

I Would say without a doubt shes lying but I can't because people will probably slam me .
So I will say instead its highly likely shes lying.
First most but not all doctors aren't willing to do tests on fertility without a reason for example prior history or they were actually trying for 6 months to a year based on age.
I had a prior history of problems with fertility and they didn't want to do a thing about checking anything for a year.
Those home test kits another poster talked about are extremely inaccurate it goes either way test could be right or wrong its 50/50 and while doctors will perform a simalar test its one thats sent out and takes time to get the results back .
There's just no way of finding out that your infertile in that time frame short of discovering you have some of your reproductive organs missing etc.

She either doesn't want kids ,doesnt want kids now or has developed a fear of pregnancy/childbirth.
The bigger problem here is she can't be honest with her husband about things and is making up stories to cover her tracks.

Lollipops23

for the doc to diagnose her infertile would take a referral to the hospital and numerous examinations/scans and so on. there's no way he'd tell her straight off. also, the "i don't want to get pregnant" comment may be a red flag. If they discussed babies before marriage and she lied, that'd be a deal-breaker. it's too important.

Samba

OP I don't honestly think you really needed confirmation tbh, as it's quite glaringly obvious.


What is not obvious are her reasons.

At this point the best your brother could do is try and tackle the emotional barrier his Wife has insulated herself with.

She is being ultra defensive and she is doing everything to try and avoid the issue, again everyone can only speculate as to why.

There are not many options here but.

Your brother can suggest that they talk, not necessarily about the sensitive issue at hand, just talking would be a good start.

If she is not open to that, suggest counseling as a couple.

If she is not open to that, suggest she go see someone on her own (with a view to go together further down the line)

She clearly has issues about something bottled up, again we can only speculate and that's not really fair.



If she downright refuses to talk about this, things certainly are not going to get any better.

useful_contacts

Mr. Frost wrote: »

Well it does as his brother, as he mentioned, confided in him.

Im a woman

Mr. Frost wrote: »

It's obvious she doesn't want kids. Did they talk about it before? If she wanted kids and now doesn't now - that looks bad for the relationship maybe. Perhaps she doesn't want to start a family with your brother? Maybe she's having doubts about the relationship? I'm just speculating, obviously.

Yes as mentioned in the orginal post, they always planned to have a family, but it was never the right time, she wanted to stay at work for a few more years, she wanted to wait until she was older etc... and now that time has come

Mr. Frost wrote: »

He needs to talk to her, get to the bottom of what's going on and you perhaps should speak with him - get him to do that. It might be hard and there might be a few things he doesn't want to hear but no use ignoring it. Best of luck to your brother.

I called him today and he said he brought up the subject this morning and she said "If you want kids **** off and shag someone else cos your not getting any off me"

embee

useful_contacts wrote: »

I called him today and he said he brought up the subject this morning and she said "If you want kids **** off and shag someone else cos your not getting any off me"

Wow OP,

Sorry to hear that your sister in law has responded so harshly towards your brother. It's mind-boggling that she's so angry and aggressive towards him. Who knows, there could be all sorts of issues bubbling under the surface but I really feel for your brother, no-one deserves to be spoken to like that.

If I were I your brothers situation, I would seriously be questioning what sort of future my marriage had when both parties want entirely different things. Either way I'm sure your brother is going through a lot of turmoil and will need the support of family and friends. He is lucky to have a sister he can confide in and the best thing you can do is be there for him.

His wife seems very very angry and may need some help with whatever issues she is dealing with. Marriage counselling may be an option for them... It is a horrible situation and I really feel desperately sad for your brother.

beth-lou

Is she lying? Yes.

He needs to find out why.

If she doesn't want kids well that's her choice, but what worries me is that she would rather lie about her fertility than be honest with him about something as important as this. He needs to talk to her, and if she isn't willing to at least talk about it, then he needs to look at the relationship and their furure. It's very hard, all you can do is to encourage him to talk to her in a very gentle manner and to try to come to a compromise. Although she does sound very defensive.

happyoutscan

embee wrote: »

Very helpful post for the OP, well done :rolleyes:

No advice is better than the tripe you're sprouting.

TradeSecrets

Tell him to contact

http://www.fertilitycare.ie/

Best option in Ireland

Beruthiel

happyoutscan wrote: »

No advice is better than the tripe you're sprouting.

Another comment like that and I'll ban you from this forum.

iguana

To offer a different possibility. Perhaps she loved her job and is incredibly upset about becoming redundant. It may have damaged her sense of self worth and her confidence in herself. And your brother's reaction of "you lost your job, hooray! You can have a baby instead and be a housewife" has made her angry.

I'm not saying that was how you brother put it, or thinks about it, but it could be coming across that way to her. And that could be making her incredibly angry and possibly left feeling helpless. It doesn't excuse the lying and the cold behaviour, but it could be the reason.

Deep down, she may well still want to have children. But she would probably have liked to have chosen the time to do it rather than feel pushed by her jobloss and her husband's enthusiasm.

Or it could just be that she really doesn't want children or has issues with the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. Either way if I was your brother I'd talk to her and take the issue of having a family off the table for a few weeks/months. Then give her a chance to bring it up herself when they are getting along better and she is found her feet again after the jobloss. It will also give your brother the chance to think about where his priorities lie if she tells him she never wants children.

Amazotheamazing

iguana wrote: »

To offer a different possibility. Perhaps she loved her job and is incredibly upset about becoming redundant. It may have damaged her sense of self worth and her confidence in herself. And your brother's reaction of "you lost your job, hooray! You can have a baby instead and be a housewife" has made her angry.

I'm not saying that was how you brother put it, or thinks about it, but it could be coming across that way to her. And that could be making her incredibly angry and possibly left feeling helpless. It doesn't excuse the lying and the cold behaviour, but it could be the reason.

Deep down, she may well still want to have children. But she would probably have liked to have chosen the time to do it rather than feel pushed by her jobloss and her husband's enthusiasm.

Or it could just be that she really doesn't want children or has issues with the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. Either way if I was your brother I'd talk to her and take the issue of having a family off the table for a few weeks/months. Then give her a chance to bring it up herself when they are getting along better and she is found her feet again after the jobloss. It will also give your brother the chance to think about where his priorities lie if she tells him she never wants children.

While there may be some truth in that, the way she is communicating with her husband indicates far deeper trouble in the relationship.

morrowa64

Tell him to phone the doctors and ask how long it takes to get the results of a fertility test

Peewee_lane

OP whether your bro is they type of guy who cant come online and articulate an issue like this is not of any interest of argument or discussion at all.

Im shocked that they're married and she is obviously lying because in my experience fertility tests are not that fast, its not a one hour photo job.

My gut feeling is that she may have had an abortion at some stage in her life and she may have had a cheap one, or a botched one and she is afraid she cant concieve because of it.

Also, she may have a history of downs syndrome, diabetes, heart disease, etc in the family and she may not want to have a family because she is not ready to commit to a child with any of the above conditions.

I think you were right coming on here and seeking advice on behalf of your brother, but as long as you are going to pass this on to him in some way, not for your own ammunition.

Shes in the wrong and punishing him for questioning her lies, so get some guts into the bro and get the bloody truth out of her.

CDfm

OP - some women want to be child free

I know two women 33 and 35 and neither want children.

Im divorced and I have an 18 yo son and a women friend from college whose daughter is the same age confided in me years back that she didnt love her daughter and resented how motherhood had held her back.

So you shouldnt think badly of your sister in law - but she should have been honest about the children issue.

PurpleBerry

CDfm wrote: »

OP - some women want to be child free

I think the issue is more that the lady seems to have lied to her husband about first her desire and then her ability to have children.

OP, it is a very difficult situation to advise upon as we are all forth-party participants. What really needs to happen is your brother and his wife need to communicate. Perhaps via counselling, if either party are reluctant to talk just between the two of them. Personally I would recommend counselling anyway, as there are important issues here regarding your sis-in-laws feelings on having children and trust issues that your brother surely now has.

All you can do is be there for your brother whatever happens. I hope a suitable resolution can be found.

CDfm

Neesa wrote: »

I think the issue is more that the lady seems to have lied to her husband about first her desire and then her ability to have children.

The OPs last post tugged my heartstrings and I think there should be some empathy here.

I dont know if a marriage can be legally annuled on these grounds but this is a very serious issue and financially it would leave both parties where they were before the marriage.It may be that your brothers love of his wife is greater than his need for children.

The best advice i can give you is to tell your brother to lay off the baby stuff for now as her from her reaction this morning it wrecked her head and could wreck their marriage.

The woman has spoken and thats the choice she gave.

It may be that they need to talk but January and February are both wacky months for everyone after Xmas and all that.

So its time for cool non judgemental heads to prevail because if you get lawyers and councellors and the like involved they usually make matters worse. Maybe they should plan a mid season holiday or something with absolutely no babytalk then plan to talk again in 3 or 4 months - when the weathers nice and both have time to think.

implausible

Peewee_lane wrote: »

My gut feeling is that she may have had an abortion at some stage in her life and she may have had a cheap one, or a botched one and she is afraid she cant concieve because of it.

It's the first thing I thought of too, they've been together 10 years but does he know everything about her past?

If they have discussed having babies in the past and she has now changed her mind for no reason, then their marriage is based on a lie.

I really feel for your brother, he must be gutted, but you must be careful not to condemn her as you don't know what's going on. If they sort this out, any negative comments you make may come back to haunt you in the future.

useful_contacts

My brother and I sat her down last night and spoke to her (he wanted me there for support) She started screaming again and said she never wanted children and the only reason she said she did was because she knew he wouldnt marry her if she told him that.

She said my brother mentioned at the beginning of the relationship he wanted a family and she loved him so much she just said she did too.But she hates children- she actually used the word "hate".

"children are noisy, smelly expensive and they ruin peoples lives" were her exact words.

My brother was crying, and then she said "if you need a child so much go have one with someone else, but dont bring that thing near me"

My brothers now staying with my partner and me, hes been up all night crying.

beth-lou

Oh no. That is the worst possible outcome. I feel so sorry for your brother. His wife was incredibly to selfish to lie to him about something that is so important, whichever side of the argument you are on. He has to decide if he can live without children, and if he can trust her again and can he forgive her. My heart goes out to him.

What a stupid thing to do. She has no right to scream at him. She has deceived him and her reasons were entirely self serving and she should be apologising to him. I don't know what to say. Your poor brother.

Lollipops23

what a cow.if she'd changed her mind or had real fears about parenthood i'd feel sorry for her but she's a lying cow.she tricked him into marrying her. that kind of thing is a total deal breaker. did she not think it would come out sooner or later?i think he's best off out of it.

useful_contacts

Lollipops23 wrote: »

what a cow.if she'd changed her mind or had real fears about parenthood i'd feel sorry for her but she's a lying cow.she tricked him into marrying her. that kind of thing is a total deal breaker. did she not think it would come out sooner or later?i think he's best off out of it.

I really dont know what to say to him, hes just sitting and staring at the wall, she has called my mobile 5 times today and texted me saying she wants to talk to him. But he doesnt want to know... Iv had to ask my friends not to bring their kids over when they visit cos that would be just kicking him when hes down. Hes mentioned going to a solicitor so i think he wants to seperate

Beruthiel

useful_contacts wrote: »

I really dont know what to say to him

Say nothing to him. Be there to listen, that's all you can do and that's all he needs.
Don't advise in any way that could at some point in the future come back to bite you in the ass.
This is a terrible time for him and he will have to come to his own conclusions on what his next step is. Don't steer him in this, it's a decision he must come to of his own accord.

Wibbs

I feel for your brother. I really do. Strangely I feel something for her too. She loved him and either thought it wouldn't come up(dumb) or that sooner or later she may feel the same. I don't think it was born of malice as such. People are naturally self centered for the most part. That's fine if it's to a healthy end, but this clearly wasn't.

I understand your brothers anguish as part of what he thought he had was predicated on a lie. Personally I can't see a way out of this keeping the marriage intact if she doesn't want kids ever. I really don't.

I completely agree with Beruthial on all her points. Though he's your brother and he's in pain and of course that pain you feel too, just be there for support. Don't get involved steering him one way or the other. It's all too easy to fall into the "she's a bitch" mode and that long term won't help you're brother. Short term it'll appear to easier to make her the bad person, but as beruthial said it is just as likely to bite back down the line.

He has to make the decision himself, knowing you, his family and friends are there in the background for support, no matter what the outcome. Things can change more than you figure at the time, so stepping back though difficult is really the best option.

I feel for you and good luck.

Dublin_Gunner

Thats grounds for divorce, or at the least legal seperation.

The marriage and commitment they had was based on a lie - sort of like a contract being broken in a way.

One of the main things he wanted out of married life (and had been agreed to) is now not available, through no fault of his own.

With a woman like that - god knows what else she's lying about. IMO, as hard as it may be - I think its time to move on for your brother - and sooner rather than later.

I really dont understand the use of condoms AND the pill tbh - could she be having an affair? (speculation of course, but this sort of lying cow just breeds paranoia for the poor guy).

If she felt the way she does, she should have spoken to him about it - she could have at least tried to delay it by saying she didn't want children yet - instead of making up some absolutely disgraceful lie about being infertile.

Your bro deserves better - anyone would.

jim o doom

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

Thats grounds for divorce, or at the least legal seperation.

The marriage and commitment they had was based on a lie - sort of like a contract being broken in a way.

One of the main things he wanted out of married life (and had been agreed to) is now not available, through no fault of his own.

With a woman like that - god knows what else she's lying about. IMO, as hard as it may be - I think its time to move on for your brother - and sooner rather than later.

I really dont understand the use of condoms AND the pill tbh - could she be having an affair? (speculation of course, but this sort of lying cow just breeds paranoia for the poor guy).

If she felt the way she does, she should have spoken to him about it - she could have at least tried to delay it by saying she didn't want children yet - instead of making up some absolutely disgraceful lie about being infertile.

Your bro deserves better - anyone would.

This is something neither the OP nor her bro needs; being judgemental, making judgements about her reasoning & assuming she is/could be lying about something else like an AFFAIR because she doesn't want children

nobody knows the mans wifes reasoning or anything else that is going on in her head, other than that she lied to her husband about wanting children to stay with him.. people in love do stupid things..

the best advice I can give to the OP is completely ignore the above & don't regard the woman in bad terms, until your brother has had an opportunity to talk to her -> with her realising that there is a VERY strong chance he won't be there anymore, due to how she has acted

You never know, she might be overreacting to this whole children episode because she feels cornered..

Anyways, wish you both the best of luck with it.

CDfm

I feel sorry for everyone involved here.

There are times when you really do need to step back from a situation and I strongly feel this is one of those times.

OP you are not a trained councellor - and you are emotionally involved.

If your brother is that upset that he is continually crying I suggest you get him to see his GP or get his GP to come to the house.

ATM people are loosing jobs there is a recession on and all that coupled with post Xmas blues makes it a terrible time to deal with stuff like this.So with loads of bad news in the media -it gets to people.

At a junction an amber light means slow down and a red light means stop and IMHO you seem to be ignoring these signals.

If she discussed this with a solicitor or anyone with the most basic knowledge of family law she would be wheeled into the District Court in a few hours and have a barring/protection/safety order against your brother and have him locked out of the house in a few hours.Thats how these things work. If you dont believe me I suggest you check up the Amen website on www.amen.ie and contact their helpline.

useful_contacts

CDfm wrote: »

IMHO you seem to be ignoring these signals

Could you elaborate??

CDfm wrote: »

If she discussed this with a solicitor or anyone with the most basic knowledge of family law she would be wheeled into the District Court in a few hours and have a barring/protection/safety order against your brother and have him locked out of the house in a few hours.

The house is in his name, he was left it by our grandad a few years ago she has no say in the house

Stheno

useful_contacts wrote: »

The house is in his name, he was left it by our grandad a few years ago she has no say in the house

In the event of a marital breakdown/seperation, the "family" home is considered a joint asset, ergo your brothers wife will have a 50% stake/right to ownership of the house (or to be bought out of that share). She will also have a right to claim upon her husband's pension, insurance policies, and any savings he may have, as will he on hers.

Secondly, in the event of a divorce, there is no such thing as clean break divorce in this country, so should they seperate now and divorce in four years time and he wins the lottery in five, she is entitled to claim her share.

That's my understanding at least.

Now as for the ignoring signals thing, that may be that your brother needs a bit of space but I might be wrong.

As someone who split from a long term relationship due to the issue of children, (I didn't want them, my partner did) I feel immensely sorry for your brother, I told the relevant partner from the outset that I had no interest in children and it became an issue eleven years later. I cannot imagine decieving a partner as your SIL appears to have done, but given the timing of her outbursts, and given that she appears to have enjoyed an equal level with her husband job wise, and that she is now being made redundant, I would suggest time alone to think things through, and maybe even counselling for your brother to help him through it.

Being made redundant when you love/enjoy a job can be very tough, having a partner then "seize" upon it as an ideal time to have children when it's a tough time for the woman involved might (I say might) have led to this, she may be feeling horribly insecure in herself.

Pardon the pun, but I'd not chuck the baby out with the bathwater if I were him, a bit of time and space might do a lot here.

CDfm

useful_contacts wrote: »

Could you elaborate??




The house is in his name, he was left it by our grandad a few years ago she has no say in the house

You previously posted that she has said if he wants a child to go elsewhere.You have said she was made redundant and you werent in the house when all this happened or has been brewing so you do not know if there has been a build up or drink involved or whether either of them is depressed in the medical sense.That there is screaming and crying means that it is already out of hand. You also dont know if your brother is mean with money or anything like that.

I am not saying that any of these things are true all I am saying is that you dont know.The behavior and the events over the last few days would not be normal anywhere except Eastenders.

For now it is the family home and she could apply for an ex-parte barring order before any District Court and have him out of his own house.Thats the law and if he breached it he would go to jail for 6 or 12 months.

They are married and have been for sometime and even though the house is in his name it is the family home -unmortgaged etc.It doesnt really matter whether or not the property was inherited or not it is the house they shared as a married couple.In cases like this the courts would usually split the property and it would have to be sold of or one party buy out the other and as she is unemployed there would be a maintainance issue.

While there are legal annulments etc they are rare and I dont know much about them.They would both walk away with their own stuff -its a very very long shot.

I am not saying any of these things will happen -just pointing out that in Family Law they can and do happen.So check out www.amen.ie and contact them to verify what can happen. I certainly wouldnt tell your brother any bad news stuff as he seems very fragile and vulnerable.

But it certainly seems to be spiraling well out of control here when caution would be best.

I am genuinely sorry for both of them but really is being childless the end of the world if you love the other person.