Afters

Tim Robbins · 15-12-2008 03:01PM #1

Yo,
When / How do people decide if they are going to the afters of a Wedding?
Like most people, we can't invite everyone we'd like as everyone is so flipping expensive, but we intend to invite a good few to afters. Can people give me their take on this?

Do people only go to afters if it really suits them? Do people feel a bit snubbed that they didn't make the main day but so and so did?

We have a few tough decisions to make as we have different circles of friends and in some cirlce there may be 8, but only 2 you'd ring etc with and we are say inviting 4 and the other 4 to the afters.

Thanks a mill!

ecaf · 15-12-2008 03:41PM

Sorry I'm no help to you, but on this topic - do people RSVP to the evening invites? Or what way does it work?

(sorry for hijacking your post Tim).

Malari · 15-12-2008 03:52PM

I haven't had that many friends my age getting married, so most of the afters I've been to are the weddings of brothers and sisters of my friends. I would go if it wasn't too far away, because I would know the family.

My boyfriend is a few years older and has many more friends who have gotten married, but he thinks it's a bit of an insult to be invited to the afters only. Well, insult is a bit strong, maybe...I guess no-one likes to be rated as an "after" rather than a "guest"! It can also be expensive to go to an afters just for a few drinks I suppose.

Tim Robbins · 15-12-2008 03:52PM

ecaf wrote: »

Sorry I'm no help to you, but on this topic - do people RSVP to the evening invites? Or what way does it work?

(sorry for hijacking your post Tim).

Depends on how they are asked to the afters, I suppose.

ecaf · 15-12-2008 05:26PM

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Depends on how they are asked to the afters, I suppose.

Well I mean if you send out an invite to them, do you write RSVP on them too?

Tim Robbins · 15-12-2008 10:07PM

ecaf wrote: »

Well I mean if you send out an invite to them, do you write RSVP on them too?

I don't know. Good question. Should we?

Malari · 16-12-2008 10:09AM

In my experience, I haven't been asked to RSVP an afters before. I've been asked in person or on the phone in most cases actually. The only exception was the wedding of a friend who was only having an afters. She had a very small wedding, with about 10 immediate family members and everybody else came for the afters. There was finger food so she needed an idea of numbers.

dublinrose · 16-12-2008 11:32AM

I've been to loads of weddings but only twice to the afters only..both times it was one of my boyfriend's larger group of guys who we only knew as part of gang rather than friends...
However, we only went cause it was on in Dublin and we live in Dublin- I definitely think it is cheeky to expect people to travel ..and maybe stay in a hotel for afters- I would be insulted and wouldn't go...in fact twice we didnt go to afters as it would have cost so much to travel there and stay...and give a gift on top!
I understand you have to draw the line somewhere and there are people in your circles who are not really friends as such- rather acquaintances- not sure how you resolve it...my feeling is it depends where the wedding is...if people can just pop along in the eve with no big hassle then fire away..at least you are not inconveniencing them too much- let them take the invite whatever way they like...if the wedding is a bit out of the way invite them to the day or not at all...best of luck with it anyways!..it's a minefield! all ahead of me...

Tim Robbins · 16-12-2008 12:22PM

dublinrose wrote: »

I've been to loads of weddings but only twice to the afters only..both times it was one of my boyfriend's larger group of guys who we only knew as part of gang rather than friends...
However, we only went cause it was on in Dublin and we live in Dublin- I definitely think it is cheeky to expect people to travel ..and maybe stay in a hotel for afters- I would be insulted and wouldn't go...in fact twice we didnt go to afters as it would have cost so much to travel there and stay...and give a gift on top!
I understand you have to draw the line somewhere and there are people in your circles who are not really friends as such- rather acquaintances- not sure how you resolve it...my feeling is it depends where the wedding is...if people can just pop along in the eve with no big hassle then fire away..at least you are not inconveniencing them too much- let them take the invite whatever way they like...if the wedding is a bit out of the way invite them to the day or not at all...best of luck with it anyways!..it's a minefield! all ahead of me...

It's not Dublin, but it's one of those places that may as well be Dublin (e.g. Leixlip, Dunboyne, Clonee) so that's effectively Dublin, isn't it?

Also we are planning a good party and have a bar extension. The reality is we can't afford it. One of us has to cut through circles of friends. The other is leaving out cousins and only inviting half the friends from work.

You have to draw the line somewhere. Simple as that. We'll do our best for them. They can still get taxi's out and join in the fun. We need to put r.v.s.p. on them so we know how much finger food etc. to order, we need for evening.

And of course they don't have to go. It's not that hard to conjure up an excuse to miss out on evening.

Any more words of wisdom, all answers appreciated.

muffinob1 · 19-01-2009 11:35PM

Hey guys, I'm in the middle of this minefield myself and what we've decided to do cos we have been a bit insulted brfore by afters invites is ... anyway that invited us to afters is getting the same from us, close friends the whole thing and for people invited to the afters we're going to make it clear that we don't expect want presents, that should ease the pain a bit as it seems to be the biggest prob for people. Generally the afters food is for 2/3 of people at sit down meal so no rsvp required.

Can I ask please what do people think of table numbers? We had a strange month this year where we had a wedding 3 days in a row, on day 2 we were at table 17 and thought nothing of it until day 3 when we were at table 3 and suddenly table 17 was an insult, as a result we're thinking of having table names not numbers, any ideas? Sorry I hijacked now!!

Malari · 20-01-2009 12:25PM

muffinob1 wrote: »

Hey guys, I'm in the middle of this minefield myself and what we've decided to do cos we have been a bit insulted brfore by afters invites is ... anyway that invited us to afters is getting the same from us, close friends the whole thing and for people invited to the afters we're going to make it clear that we don't expect want presents, that should ease the pain a bit as it seems to be the biggest prob for people. Generally the afters food is for 2/3 of people at sit down meal so no rsvp required.

Can I ask please what do people think of table numbers? We had a strange month this year where we had a wedding 3 days in a row, on day 2 we were at table 17 and thought nothing of it until day 3 when we were at table 3 and suddenly table 17 was an insult, as a result we're thinking of having table names not numbers, any ideas? Sorry I hijacked now!!

Yeah, the last couple of weddings I was at they named the tables based on, say, the sport they were into. Don't worry, the first rule of a wedding is that You Can't Please Everybody. So guests will still complain that they are at the Vauxhall Conference table instead of the Champions league

seamus · 20-01-2009 12:28PM

Yep, names is definitely the way to go, otherwise people do get insulted. It can make thing tougher to organise, i.e. you need a "map" of the place to direct guests.

Another option is to opt for an odd number scheme - saying if you have 3 "columns" of table and 18 tables in all, you number them going up and down the columns - so the furthest table in column 1 is table 1 and the closest is table 6. Then you go down the next column, starting at the front from 7.

This means that the 3 tables closest to the top are 6, 7, and 18.

People know exactly how far they are from the top table, but there seems to be something subconscious about being far from the top table *and* being given a high table number, like you're being relegated.

NextSteps · 20-01-2009 01:42PM

seamus wrote: »

Yep, names is definitely the way to go, otherwise people do get insulted. It can make thing tougher to organise, i.e. you need a "map" of the place to direct guests.

Another option is to opt for an odd number scheme - saying if you have 3 "columns" of table and 18 tables in all, you number them going up and down the columns - so the furthest table in column 1 is table 1 and the closest is table 6. Then you go down the next column, starting at the front from 7.
This means that the 3 tables closest to the top are 6, 7, and 18.

People know exactly how far they are from the top table, but there seems to be something subconscious about being far from the top table *and* being given a high table number, like you're being relegated.

That's it. The engagement's off. I can't handle all this etiquette!

ziedth · 20-01-2009 03:07PM

TBH I would be a little insulted to be given a evening invite given the situation of how I know them how long ETC.

Of course only you know who you can/can't invite and IMO that's all that matters if they want to be thick let them. Anyone borderline who you think might get upset it might not hurt to explain to them how sorry you are about the cut off point ETC ETC.

In reguards the table numbers I have never heard of people getting upset about what number they are and I think that its a touch Childish I wouldn't give a monkeys where we where in the room.

implausible · 20-01-2009 11:03PM

I'd second Ziedth, wouldn't even occur to me that the table numbers had any significance...

As for the afters, my OH is from 2 hours away, so there's no point in inviting any of them, it'd just be daft. I'm giving afters invites to friends of my brothers and sister, people from home that I don't see too often and groups of casual friends who I know would enjoy the craic.

Imho, you can't be expected to invite everyone from work and all of your cousins, so this is where the afters invites come in. Pick the ones you meet socially regularly.

Lillylilly · 21-01-2009 02:29PM

Lads, I think yiz are mad- being "insulted" at only being invited to the After party of a wedding. Surely being invited to anything at all is a lovely gesture of the couple wanting you to share in their day?!?

Malari · 21-01-2009 02:56PM

Lillylilly wrote: »

Lads, I think yiz are mad- being "insulted" at only being invited to the After party of a wedding. Surely being invited to anything at all is a lovely gesture of the couple wanting you to share in their day?!?

I'm not saying I would be insulted, but can you honestly say you wouldn't feel a little put out if someone said to you "I'm having a dinner party for all my closest friends...you can come after for a drink if you want"

axel rose · 21-01-2009 03:10PM

Lillylilly wrote: »

Lads, I think yiz are mad- being "insulted" at only being invited to the After party of a wedding. Surely being invited to anything at all is a lovely gesture of the couple wanting you to share in their day?!?

I really dont mean to be rude but when I see 'those envelopes' on the hall floor , the very very last thought to enter my head is how lovely the gesture is! My head thinks F$%K sake! Thats another bloody weekend wasted! Where are we going to get the money for this flipping thing? Can I get away with wearing an old dress or will I have to fork out for a new one? Will I have time to lose a stone?

I was even the same with my own wedding! :pac:

Afters

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