I don't know what to do

I was in a similar situation myself about two years ago, so I can hopefully share some of the lessons I learned the hard way so that perhaps you won't.

To begin with, she's almost certainly keeping the child. If she was still considering either abortion or adoption it is unlikely she would contact you - possible, but highly unlikely. She's contacting you because she wants financial support and/or your involvement in the child's future. She's made her decision and is now testing your reaction.

There are really only two issues you should be considering; are you ready / willing to be a father in these circumstances and is it yours?

I'll cover the first as it is ultimately the most important and the second becomes almost moot if the answer is no. To begin with you need to snap out of the 'doing the right thing' fantasy. I call it a fantasy because it only applies to men - women don't have to do this, they have a right to choose - even in Ireland where they have a constitutional right to travel to have an abortion elsewhere (a classic Irish solution to a problem no one wants to face up to). As such you need to look at your situation in a similar light rather than get pushed into something you'll regret because of social peer pressure.

Being a single father under the best of circumstances is not easy. Other than the obvious sacrifices (time and financial), there are other social and financial implications - many women will not enter relationships with men who already have children and loans or mortgages will suddenly become a lot harder to get the moment you have maintenance as one of your outgoings. But that is the best of circumstances - at worst you have that and a belligerent mother also to contend with, who may seek your involvement only on her terms, or only on a financial basis - seeking only to maximize what she can make out of you. This will mean additional stress and cost, as you find yourself permanently in and out of court for the next twenty odd years.

This is not to say that you should not choose to be a father, only that you should think about it realistically. My mistake is that while not in a one-night-stand situation, it was not much better (I knew her online for some time but was involved with her off-line only a few weeks by the time she was pregnant), and I decided to try and 'do the right thing' - something which I bitterly regret, as I knew in my heart that she would be a nightmare to deal with in the future. It took 18 months of trying, unsuccessfully, to find a compromise that did not mean my adhering to her demands and threats, whenever she saw fit to make them, for me to finally give up the ghost. It was, without doubt, the worst period of my life and would not wish it on anyone.

Others can give a rosier picture of their experience and I would not discount theirs as different people have had different experiences. I can only speak of my own, which were not good.

If you do choose to make a go of it, then I would certainly seek a DNA test after the birth, and I would be very open and clear about it from the onset. Given your circumstances, I think it would be insane not to do so. The bottom line is that while you have no legal right to demand one, she cannot legally demand a penny from you without it either.

I sought one too, at first because two hospitals both put the conception date prior to her being in the same country as me, but ultimately because my family needed this confirmation for their own piece of mind. At first she refused, but finally allowed it when I threatened to stop paying maintenance. The test proved positive and while part of me regrets that I never apologized to her for this, relations were already poisoned long before and so I doubt it would have made much difference if I had. It is also the closest thing to a right that fathers have in Ireland, and after being told by someone else that they have unilaterally decided the course of the rest of your life and that they maintain right of veto over any right or connection you have to your child, it's difficult to even want to apologize for it, TBH.

I would both recommend and not recommend mediation or councilling if you choose to make a go of things. One one side you often need a neutral third party to cut through the hormones, fears and emotions of such a difficult period. On the other side it appears to be completely focused on the mother, especially during pregnancy. I attended a few sessions with Cura, with the mother of my child, and I would never recommend them as a consequence. I can accept that they have a policy of being against abortion, but it was obvious from the onset that they were also trying to push the 'right thing' agenda from the onset and were not terribly interested in what I felt, unless it facilitated this agenda.

If you choose that you are not ready or simply do not want to be a father with her (or ever), then I strongly recommend you leave Ireland before she gives birth. Until then she cannot legally touch you, thereafter you will be looking in the letterbox for a summons every day.

On which point, if she was a one-night-stand, how much does she know about you? Other than your mobile number, does she even have your full name? Address?

Either way if you leave Ireland prior to birth, then she would need to find you abroad and sue you in that jurisdiction. If she sues you prior to leaving Ireland, then it's still not easy for her to peruse you, but because she'll have a judgment against you, it will cut out much of the red tape should she locate you. You will, however, effectively become an exile.

If you stand your ground in Ireland but choose not to be involved, then you'll still have to pay maintenance. In Ireland, this appears to be an average of about €80 p.w. (although figures vary wildly, even for men in the same circumstances) up to a maximum in the circuit court of €150 p.w. Technically there's no limit on child maintenance, but unless you're on serious money or were married to her, any case she will attempt to bring against you in a higher court will most likely be thrown out.

Seeking a DNA test could clear your name if you are pretty sure it's not yours, but it can also potentially give her evidence of your paternity if you're wrong. So it's a gamble.

Unfortunately, these are the only choices open to you by dint of your Y-chromosome. The principle advice I'd give is to choose before the child is born and don't get sucked into this whole 'doing the right thing' peer pressure. And good luck, it's not an easy time and no one really cares what you feel, only what you 'should' be feeling, was my experience.