I don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Well here goes. I got a text from this girl who i had a one night stand with few months ago.She says shes pregant and that i am the father. I m not so sure abt it. I recall her telling me there was no need to use a rubber as she was on the pill. I asked her how she ended up pregnant if she was on the pill. She said that they failed to work cause they were out of date. I ve been told by my sister that it is'nt possible and that i m bein taken for a mug. To make things worse i am about to go to oz which i had planned and organised since last may when i knew my job wasnt goin to last. Now my inital reaction when i first heard was to scrap oz and be there for the kid. Now i m not so sure.... is it mine? should i stay until i can find out? or just go ahead with oz and deal with it when i come back in a few years?

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Well here goes. I got a text from this girl who i had a one night stand with few months ago.She says shes pregant and that i am the father. I m not so sure abt it. I recall her telling me there was no need to use a rubber as she was on the pill.

OK first things first. In future wear a condom. Do not take the word of some stranger you get the legover on a one nighter. pregnancy is the least of it sometimes. Sounds like risky behaviour on her part as she has much more to lose, disease wise and pregnancy.

Yep she could well be pregnant and you could well be the father. Paternity test would be my first port of call.

I would agree the out of date bit sounds fishy to me. I mean what chemist is going to sell out of date contraceptives(if the pill can even go out of date that fast? Dunno). Maybe she meant she got her dates mixed up?

tbh

all you can really do is wait for the child to be born, take a dna test, and decide what you are going to do based on that.

LegacyUser

No she pretty much said the pill was out of date. It doesnt make much sense to me. I ve tried asking her more abt it but she got pretty angry and abusive. She wont speak to me anymore so i just left it.

Wibbs

Angry and abusive is hardly helpful on her part. OK it could simply be her getting ticked off at you for not believing her, but I would still insist on a paternity test. If she refuses then you have more questions to answer. The out of date contraceptives still sounds wrong to me.

partyguinness

Sit down with her and tell her you are going to Oz...maybe she will consider an abortion?

Yes it sounds very fishy..I dont buy the story about out of date pills for one second. Good chance she was trying to get pregnant. There are women out there like that and I am not going to lecture about using condoms.

oeb

The pill wont always work anyway. There are lots of ways it can fail (If she had been sick, forgotton to take it, etc etc), and no method is sure fire 100%.

You are perfectly within your rights to ask for a paternity test, if she wants to get maintenence or anything like that you can contest it until the results of the test come back.

If I was you, I would wait until the child is born and the test results come back before deciding anything. If the child is yours, I would advise getting to know it and being a part of your life. If you feck off now and it turns out that it is yours, you will only regret it later. Take my word for it.

likely_lass

partyguinness wrote: »

Sit down with her and tell her you are going to Oz...maybe she will consider an abortion?

Yes it sounds very fishy..I dont buy the story about out of date pills for one second. Good chance she was trying to get pregnant. There are women out there like that and I am not going to lecture about using condoms.

cant imagine she will consider a abortion now, she must want the baby if shes going to tell the "father"

you need to be careful though if she slept with you without a condom how many others? definitely need a paternity test

dont want to put more on your plate but maybe you should go for a sti check too -really not that hard and it will give you piece of mind

I really do feel for you, when is the baby due is it before or after your meant to leave for oz? honestly i think your better off staying and trying to sort this mess out, chances are youd drive yourself mental thinking about it if you went to oz


sorry very long :eek:

Xiney

Oh, how many PI threads would be stopped in their tracks if people just used condoms...


One Night stand is now pregnant!
Girlfriend cheated on me! I have gonorrhea!
Tried Anal sex and now I have a UTI! Does this mean I got poopie in my dickie?
I had sex for the first time. Could I be pregnant?
I have this weird sore on my hooha...
It burns when I pee. Could this be connected with all the unprotected sex I've been having with strangers?



Seriously. I don't mean to make light of your situation, because it sucks. But WEAR A CONDOM PEOPLE!


Now all you can do is a paternity test.

LegacyUser

To be honest I couldnt ask her about an abortion.
I dont see why she would try to get pregant on purpose.

I m suppose to be going to oz in 2 wks. The baby is due in the summer.
Talk about bad timing.

jessbeth

The pill doesn't always work but the out of date bit is rubbish. How long does she order the pill ahead of time, ten years? That's definitely bull. Anyway she may have forgotten to take it or something and doesn't want to admit to it. This is why you should always wear a condom. Don't ever take anybody elses word for it. I wouldn't go to OZ before you get things sorted because you won't enjoy it if this isn't sorted.

Xiney

Personally I'd probably go on with my trip as planned, and I wouldn't let her cock up my life for me.

Then again I'd also probably feel pretty angry about having been tricked into impregnating someone.




But I'm a bitter bitter bastard and I'll be the first to admit following MY first instinct is generally never the way to go.

littlebug

OP- do you know the dates? When did you have sex and what is her due date? Do they tally?

andrewh5

I would reccomend 2 things to you:

1. Engage a solicitor to write to her and demand proof of her allegation. That may well be enough to throw her off if she is trying to scam you.
2. NEVER, EVER have sex without a CONDOM!!!

partyguinness

andrewh5 wrote: »

I would reccomend 2 things to you:

1. Engage a solicitor to write to her and demand proof of her allegation. That may well be enough to throw her off if she is trying to scam you.
2. NEVER, EVER have sex without a CONDOM!!!

I dont see how she can provide proof of her allegation before the child is born so save your money and wait untill after the birth.

If she trys it on for maintenance then you can go to the District Court and get the judge to order a paternity test.

LegacyUser

Well the dates seem to be off by 2 weeks so i guess it doesnt help either way.

Looks like i ll have to do a paternity test.
And the sti test.... and maybe enquire about getting the snip!
I m pretty peeved off with the whole situation, should of known better to use a condom.
many thanks all for posting and kinda putting things in perspective for me.

LegacyUser

Some people say they are on the pill when in fact they are not at all, stupid I know but maybe she didn't think she'd get 'caught'. However, regardless of how she got pregnant it doesn't change the fact that she is now, the question is whether you are sharing the responsibility now or whether it's someone elses problem.

Also, besides the pill issue, it there any other reason to suggest that the baby isin't yours? Why would she choose you? Has she been sleeping around? The whole pill thing is irrelevant if she hasn't been with anyone else. I have to question aswell why she text you the happy news? Surely thats a very immature way of dealing with probably the biggest issue of your life to date, have you met up to sort out some details?

This is out of your hands for a few months until you find out if the baby is yours. For that reason I would advise the girl in question that you are going away as you have paid for the ticket and saved for the trip and that once it has been proven that you are indeed the father of the child that you will be happy to take financial responsibility +(the rest is up to you!)

Ask her to keep in contact with you while you are away and arrange a paternity test once the baby is born. Then if it is yours you can come home and take responsibility and at least you will have had a few months away enjoying yourself. If the child is not yours you can continue your trip as planned. The reason I suggest going away now is that while you may have both got yourselves into this mess at least you have a little time before the baby is born to fulfil some dreams.

One last thing, while it;s not what you want now, a baby can bring alot of joy and happiness into your life, and it doesn't ask to be born so if it is yours do the right thing and be part of it's life or you'll regret it.

Best of Luck

LegacyUser

i can see it from the girls point of view.i got caught after a one night stand 9 years ago.

i was also on the pill but after too much drink,i ended up getting sick and the pill must have came up with it.i knew i wasnt going to have any relationship with the father because he already had serious history with another girl.

but i told him anyway,said i wanted nothng from him but if he wanted to be involved he could.he didnt believe me at the start either but eventually came round when she was born only to dissapear a while later.i see him every now and again but i just ignore him.my daughter is a happy little girl and the thoughts of her wanting to find him when shes older kills me.

my point is not every girl is out to trap some poor unsuspecting man into fathering a child.

Toots

partyguinness wrote: »

I dont see how she can provide proof of her allegation before the child is born so save your money and wait untill after the birth.

If she trys it on for maintenance then you can go to the District Court and get the judge to order a paternity test.

AFAIK it is possible to do a DNA test before the baby is born, Amniocentisis (SP) could be used, although this can't be done before the 15th week of pregnancy. As littlebug said, do the dates tally up? How many other guys did she sleep with while she was using this supposedly expired batch of pills?

BTW, I'd seriously question that explanation, I've just checked my own pack of pills which I bought in September (6 months supply) and they don't expire until 2011, so unless she got a job lot of pills about 3 years ago, I'd say there's something fishy about this. IMO, she either forgot to take her pill that morning, or was sick or something and is too embarrassed to admit it, or else she maybe did it on purpose. Either way, it's left you in an awkward situation. My advice would be to postpone your trip if at all possible until you know for sure if the child is yours. If not, then head off on your trip, if it is then you'll be able to get to know your child if that's what you want.

It might be a good idea to pop down to your local citizens information centre or contact a family law solicitor and see if there's anything you can do now, and what advice they can give you.

MagicMarker

If I were you I'd still go to Oz, there's nothing you can do right now anyway and it would be stupid to just throw away money on tickets and visas.

Just be smart and put aside some money for the summer, that way if it is yours you can do your bit and pay your way.

partyguinness

Toots85 wrote: »

AFAIK it is possible to do a DNA test before the baby is born, Amniocentisis (SP) could be used, although this can't be done before the 15th week of pregnancy. As littlebug said, do the dates tally up? How many other guys did she sleep with while she was using this supposedly expired batch of pills?

BTW, I'd seriously question that explanation, I've just checked my own pack of pills which I bought in September (6 months supply) and they don't expire until 2011, so unless she got a job lot of pills about 3 years ago, I'd say there's something fishy about this. IMO, she either forgot to take her pill that morning, or was sick or something and is too embarrassed to admit it, or else she maybe did it on purpose. Either way, it's left you in an awkward situation. My advice would be to postpone your trip if at all possible until you know for sure if the child is yours. If not, then head off on your trip, if it is then you'll be able to get to know your child if that's what you want.

It might be a good idea to pop down to your local citizens information centre or contact a family law solicitor and see if there's anything you can do now, and what advice they can give you.

The procedure carries alot of health risks to the baby (risks of miscarriage and infections) and a lot of consultants will not carry out the procedure just for a paternity test. Actually it is my understanding that consultants will not carry out the procedure at all. I have legal experience in this area and there is nothing that can be done legally at the moment so just hang tough until the birth.

Kold

Just a question.. I know ethically blah blah, but is he legally obliged to do anything about it? I mean could he not just ditch his phone and run off and live his life? It's a different story if he wants to be able to see the kid but otherwise?

metrovelvet

There is another method where they draw blood from the mother as the feotal cells carry the father's dna. I would not do amnio - its risky and invasive.

I would advise you to apologise when the the results confirm your paternity.

I would not advise going by dates. It can be confusing and the math is imperfect as to how far along you are.

Trinity

Kold wrote: »

Just a question.. I know ethically blah blah, but is he legally obliged to do anything about it? I mean could he not just ditch his phone and run off and live his life? It's a different story if he wants to be able to see the kid but otherwise?

He can run off alright. In order to proceed with a court hearing you need a home address.

If she cant find him, neither will they, nor will they try i imagine.

I'd think long and hard about taking that route. You could look for a relationship further down the line with your child but they wont want know. Too many kids these days dont know their fathers, too much unprotected sex with practical strangers leading to adults not knowing who they are, where they are from, their roots.

Anyway thats another debate. I wouldnt make any rash decisions. Go to Oz, come back in the summer and get a DNA test. This sounds highly questionable so dont be a gilly without facts.

Her getting stroppy when you ask questions is childish, how old is she. You are being accused of impregnating her, i'd be asking questions myself in your shoes. A lot of questions.

TouchingVirus

Kold wrote: »

Just a question.. I know ethically blah blah, but is he legally obliged to do anything about it? I mean could he not just ditch his phone and run off and live his life? It's a different story if he wants to be able to see the kid but otherwise?

My first thought was that too, then my conscience/compassionate/human side kicked in.

I think heading to Oz would be good, but plan a visit home for the summer to get everything sorted out

MagicMarker

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would advise you to apologise when the the results confirm your paternity. .

Apologise for what? Requesting proof that he is the father? I don't think the OP has done anything wrong here.

metrovelvet

I was asked for a dna test, although not in the context of a one night stand. The way I see it, is either I was being called a liar or ****ed around so much I was too stupid to know who the father is. Either way it's an insult. It got up my nose and I procrastinated it because it pissed me off and then was sorely tempted to deny permission and let his father die wondering. I did eventually permit it, no apology received from his mother who swabbed my infant in a hotel bar. It has sat badly with me since.

MagicMarker

metrovelvet wrote: »

I was asked for a dna test, although not in the context of a one night stand. The way I see it, is either I was being called a liar or ****ed around so much I was too stupid to know who the father is. Either way it's an insult. It got up my nose and I procrastinated it because it pissed me off and then was sorely tempted to deny permission and let his father die wondering. I did eventually permit it, no apology received from his mother who swabbed my infant in a hotel bar. It has sat badly with me since.

Unless it's a girlfriend of mine who gets pregnant, then I would probably insist on a paternity test.

There's no way I'm just going to trust some randomer when they say I'm going to be a daddy.

tbh

metrovelvet wrote: »

I was asked for a dna test, although not in the context of a one night stand. The way I see it, is either I was being called a liar or ****ed around so much I was too stupid to know who the father is. Either way it's an insult. It got up my nose and I procrastinated it because it pissed me off and then was sorely tempted to deny permission and let his father die wondering. I did eventually permit it, no apology received from his mother who swabbed my infant in a hotel bar. It has sat badly with me since.

if it's any consolation, the type of mother you are describing would have been badly stung by the results. "Not my son, no way" kind of thing. YES WAY. So, don't take it personally. In this case, where the OP has said that his o/h has had a different boyfriend, it's perfectly reasonable to ask.

Toots

metrovelvet wrote: »

There is another method where they draw blood from the mother as the feotal cells carry the father's dna. I would not do amnio - its risky and invasive.

I would advise you to apologise when the the results confirm your paternity.

I would not advise going by dates. It can be confusing and the math is imperfect as to how far along you are.

Just a thought OP, but is there any way you could have a word with your local GP or someone about this? They'd probably be able to clarify what options are available to you to establishing paternity before the child is born. It may turn out that the best option is to just stick it out until the birth and get a DNA test then.

As regards the dates, I wouldn't base my suspicions on a week difference either side, however if the dates are out by about 3-4 weeks then I'd definitely be asking questions. I don't think he'd need to apologise for questioning whether or not he's the father, if I was in the OP's shoes and had slept with a girl who said 'It's ok, you don't need a condom, I'm on the pill.' and then for her to contact me with 'Oh wait, actually I'm pregnant and it's yours. My pill was out of date.' I'd certainly want proof that the child was mine. He needs to be sure.

The only thing I'll say OP, is be mature about it, and be civil towards her. Remember, this woman may be carrying your child, and if she is, it'll be better for all concerned if you're on good terms when the child is born, both for your sake and the child's. It would be terribly unfair to let the child be caught up in the crossfire between the two of you if things turn nasty.

banshee_bones

the pill being out of date sounds verrry odd to me. more like it just didnt work because she had had a few drinks on the night and therefore the effectiveness was lowered and she got caught out.

Id say go to Oz and get a paternity test when you come home but maybe wouldnt be any harm having a chat with your solicitor to see what you should do re maintenence payments while your gone.


Best of luck anyway

PCPhoto

in my opinion...... talk to the girl, maybe meet with her and maybe a social worker, explain to them both that you have planned Oz and you are not running away from responsibility, goto Oz, enjoy the experience.

theres a thousand (slight dramatisation) different possibilities here which other posters have already given their opinions on.

She could be correct - and you are going to be a daddy
She could be bluffing - in an attempt to get money for an assumed abortion* (Unlikely as she's due in summer and probably past time for abortion)
She could have made a mistake - another guy is the daddy
She could be making the whole thing up in an attempt to be with you ???
She might have told the real daddy and he rejected her and now you are the fall back guy.

You do have responsibilities as a father (assuming the child is yours), however you do not need to be there if you dont want to, but must finiancially support your child.

As "twink" said a couple of months ago..... "zip up yer 'oul mickey" .

partyguinness

Something that has just crossed my mind...why did you give your number out on a one night stand?

I have had one night stands in the past and given false numbers for a good reason..didnt want to be contacted by them again.

Before anyone starts...it was when I was a rascal in my early 20s and yes it was very irresponsible and I havent had a one night stand in years.

Lesson from today:

1. Use condoms
2. If you dont, then do not give out your correct number.:p

littlebug

metrovelvet wrote: »

I was asked for a dna test, although not in the context of a one night stand. The way I see it, is either I was being called a liar or ****ed around so much I was too stupid to know who the father is. Either way it's an insult. It got up my nose and I procrastinated it because it pissed me off and then was sorely tempted to deny permission and let his father die wondering. I did eventually permit it, no apology received from his mother who swabbed my infant in a hotel bar. It has sat badly with me since.

Gosh metrovelvet that's horrible:(

AARRRGH

Just my gut feeling, but perhaps she wanted to get pregnant?

A friend of mine was with a girl for a few months who claimed was on the pill... six months later he discovered she was lying and was trying to get pregnant. Luckily that never happened.

If I were you, I'd go to Oz and then reevaluate the situation when the child is born.

AARRRGH

metrovelvet wrote: »

I was asked for a dna test, although not in the context of a one night stand. The way I see it, is either I was being called a liar or ****ed around so much I was too stupid to know who the father is. Either way it's an insult. It got up my nose and I procrastinated it because it pissed me off and then was sorely tempted to deny permission and let his father die wondering. I did eventually permit it, no apology received from his mother who swabbed my infant in a hotel bar. It has sat badly with me since.

There are a lot of psychos out there though. Men need to be careful too...

metrovelvet

AARRRGH wrote: »

There are a lot of psychos out there though. Men need to be careful too...

My guess is there are a lot less psychos out there then there are men who dont want to pay maintenance.

But they should still apologise after they take the bristle swab to the baby's cheek, hold down the squirming baby, and send its dna in the post to a lab, and calling its mother either a liar or a stupid whore by the deed itself, and having the arrogance to think their paternity is worth lying about [especially when you come from a country in which paternity fraud gets you incarcerated].

Seriously, if you swab an infant and question the mother's [psycho or not psycho] honesty, you should apologise when you are proved wrong.

dolliemix

I have this weird sore on my hooha...





Is there really such a thread?

MIN2511

Hey there, first and foremost. Go to Australia, do not put your life on hold.

There are options, ask her nicely what she wants to do... For all you know she may want an abortion!

Wibbs

dolliemix off topic posts are not welcome in this forum. Please read the charter. Thanks.

dolliemix

Ok sorry!

I would not mention the word abortion to your ex.....at the moment she believes she is pregnant unplanned....unsure of who the father is....and perhaps the father is heading of to OZ for a year while she is dealing with this scary road ahead of her on her own.

Give the girl a break....what she she needs right now is support. Tell her you will need to do a paternity test and if the baby is yours you should stick around.

Pub07

metrovelvet wrote: »

My guess is there are a lot less psychos out there then there are men who dont want to pay maintenance.

But they should still apologise after they take the bristle swab to the baby's cheek, hold down the squirming baby, and send its dna in the post to a lab, and calling its mother either a liar or a stupid whore by the deed itself, and having the arrogance to think their paternity is worth lying about [especially when you come from a country in which paternity fraud gets you incarcerated].

Seriously, if you swab an infant and question the mother's [psycho or not psycho] honesty, you should apologise when you are proved wrong.

What planet are you living on? The OP is 100% right to request a paternity test from a girl he hardly knows apart from a one night stand and who is giving him a very dodgy story. Your story is a different situation altogether, someone you were in a relationship with and presumably knew very well requested the test as opposed to someone you just had a one night stand with. What do you expect the OP to do??.. just accept that he is the father when there is a more than insignificant chance he isn't. He has absolutely no reason to apologise for anything.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the dates seem to be off by 2 weeks so i guess it doesnt help either way.

How exactly is it off by 2 weeks. A pregnancy is 40 weeks long, but the 1st week is calculated from the date of the start of the last period before conception. So the pregnancy itself is 38 weeks long.

For example, if she is telling you she is 20 weeks pregnant and you slept together 18 weeks ago then you would have slept together at the right time.

metrovelvet

Pub07 wrote: »

What planet are you living on? The OP is 100% right to request a paternity test from a girl he hardly knows apart from a one night stand and who is giving him a very dodgy story. Your story is a different situation altogether, someone you were in a relationship with and presumably knew very well requested the test as opposed to someone you just had a one night stand with. What do you expect the OP to do??.. just accept that he is the father when there is a more than insignificant chance he isn't. He has absolutely no reason to apologise for anything.

When you accuse someone of fraud and you ask them to prove their innocence, and you are assuming guilt until proven otherwise, you should apologise when you are wrong. He doesnt actually have any rights to demand one, so he should ask nicely as he will need her consent, and then say sorry fr not trusting you I was just insecure about the whole thing, etc etc.

Kold

metrovelvet wrote: »

When you accuse someone of fraud and you ask them to prove their innocence, and you are assuming guilt until proven otherwise, you should apologise when you are wrong. He doesnt actually have any rights to demand one, so he should ask nicely as he will need her consent, and then say sorry fr not trusting you I was just insecure about the whole thing, etc etc.

Well if she didn't take a test, he's every right to tell her where to go. I'm pretty sure he wasn't too enamoured with the idea of having a kid with some bird he didn't want a relationship with in the first place. Yes he messed up by not wearing a johnny but she'd led him to believe that there was no chance of having a child.

Pub07

metrovelvet wrote: »

When you accuse someone of fraud and you ask them to prove their innocence, and you are assuming guilt until proven otherwise, you should apologise when you are wrong. He doesnt actually have any rights to demand one, so he should ask nicely as he will need her consent, and then say sorry fr not trusting you I was just insecure about the whole thing, etc etc.

Wait a second, you think OP is out of order to ask for a paternity test from a girl he hardly knows apart from a one night stand. As I said already it is not the same as your situation where someone you knew very well asked for the test, this is just some random girl he had sex with. It is standard procedure, do you just expect him to spend the next 18 years raising this child or paying maintenance for it for when he hasn't conclusive proof it is his? She is the one 'accusing' him of being the father, the onus is on her to prove that he is, he doesn't just have to accept by default that he is a father of a child just because some random women he had a one night stand with a few months ago says he is. If she is willing to have a one night stand with him it means in all likelyhood she has been having them with other people. I also remember one or two previous threads on this forum from women who've had one night stands and who were unsure who the father is. The OP has nothing to apologise for as there is nothing wrong with asking for a paternity test, and he has every right to demand one if it came to it, shure the courts would agree.

metrovelvet

He should ask with humility and apologise when his paternity is confirmed. Legally the onus is on him to prove she's a liar. And he will have to pay the costs of it if the court orders blood tests.

Im not suggesting he doesnt ask for one, by all means he has good reason to, but he still should apologise when the test confirms his paternity. Its a bit like reasonable suspicion. If the cops have a couple of good reasons to suspect you have illegal substances and do a search but find nothing, they should apologise regardless of what grounds they had for suspicion in the first place.

Kold - maybe she herself believed there was no chance of having a child, and there is always a chance of having a child, bar abstinence. I know the date of expiry doesnt wash and raises some questions.

deisemum

I read an article a while back, maybe others here can remember reading the same article about paternity tests.

From memory about a third of the paternity tests proved the man was not the father.

Valmont

For the love of God, go to Oz. If you don't and you do have a kid you'll be sorry you didn't. I know people will not recommend flouting your responsibility but I'd say just go for it, have some fun while you can. Sounds like a sneaky lady!

He didn't wear a condom get over it folks. It'll do no good telling him now.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation myself about two years ago, so I can hopefully share some of the lessons I learned the hard way so that perhaps you won't.

To begin with, she's almost certainly keeping the child. If she was still considering either abortion or adoption it is unlikely she would contact you - possible, but highly unlikely. She's contacting you because she wants financial support and/or your involvement in the child's future. She's made her decision and is now testing your reaction.

There are really only two issues you should be considering; are you ready / willing to be a father in these circumstances and is it yours?

I'll cover the first as it is ultimately the most important and the second becomes almost moot if the answer is no. To begin with you need to snap out of the 'doing the right thing' fantasy. I call it a fantasy because it only applies to men - women don't have to do this, they have a right to choose - even in Ireland where they have a constitutional right to travel to have an abortion elsewhere (a classic Irish solution to a problem no one wants to face up to). As such you need to look at your situation in a similar light rather than get pushed into something you'll regret because of social peer pressure.

Being a single father under the best of circumstances is not easy. Other than the obvious sacrifices (time and financial), there are other social and financial implications - many women will not enter relationships with men who already have children and loans or mortgages will suddenly become a lot harder to get the moment you have maintenance as one of your outgoings. But that is the best of circumstances - at worst you have that and a belligerent mother also to contend with, who may seek your involvement only on her terms, or only on a financial basis - seeking only to maximize what she can make out of you. This will mean additional stress and cost, as you find yourself permanently in and out of court for the next twenty odd years.

This is not to say that you should not choose to be a father, only that you should think about it realistically. My mistake is that while not in a one-night-stand situation, it was not much better (I knew her online for some time but was involved with her off-line only a few weeks by the time she was pregnant), and I decided to try and 'do the right thing' - something which I bitterly regret, as I knew in my heart that she would be a nightmare to deal with in the future. It took 18 months of trying, unsuccessfully, to find a compromise that did not mean my adhering to her demands and threats, whenever she saw fit to make them, for me to finally give up the ghost. It was, without doubt, the worst period of my life and would not wish it on anyone.

Others can give a rosier picture of their experience and I would not discount theirs as different people have had different experiences. I can only speak of my own, which were not good.

If you do choose to make a go of it, then I would certainly seek a DNA test after the birth, and I would be very open and clear about it from the onset. Given your circumstances, I think it would be insane not to do so. The bottom line is that while you have no legal right to demand one, she cannot legally demand a penny from you without it either.

I sought one too, at first because two hospitals both put the conception date prior to her being in the same country as me, but ultimately because my family needed this confirmation for their own piece of mind. At first she refused, but finally allowed it when I threatened to stop paying maintenance. The test proved positive and while part of me regrets that I never apologized to her for this, relations were already poisoned long before and so I doubt it would have made much difference if I had. It is also the closest thing to a right that fathers have in Ireland, and after being told by someone else that they have unilaterally decided the course of the rest of your life and that they maintain right of veto over any right or connection you have to your child, it's difficult to even want to apologize for it, TBH.

I would both recommend and not recommend mediation or councilling if you choose to make a go of things. One one side you often need a neutral third party to cut through the hormones, fears and emotions of such a difficult period. On the other side it appears to be completely focused on the mother, especially during pregnancy. I attended a few sessions with Cura, with the mother of my child, and I would never recommend them as a consequence. I can accept that they have a policy of being against abortion, but it was obvious from the onset that they were also trying to push the 'right thing' agenda from the onset and were not terribly interested in what I felt, unless it facilitated this agenda.

If you choose that you are not ready or simply do not want to be a father with her (or ever), then I strongly recommend you leave Ireland before she gives birth. Until then she cannot legally touch you, thereafter you will be looking in the letterbox for a summons every day.

On which point, if she was a one-night-stand, how much does she know about you? Other than your mobile number, does she even have your full name? Address?

Either way if you leave Ireland prior to birth, then she would need to find you abroad and sue you in that jurisdiction. If she sues you prior to leaving Ireland, then it's still not easy for her to peruse you, but because she'll have a judgment against you, it will cut out much of the red tape should she locate you. You will, however, effectively become an exile.

If you stand your ground in Ireland but choose not to be involved, then you'll still have to pay maintenance. In Ireland, this appears to be an average of about €80 p.w. (although figures vary wildly, even for men in the same circumstances) up to a maximum in the circuit court of €150 p.w. Technically there's no limit on child maintenance, but unless you're on serious money or were married to her, any case she will attempt to bring against you in a higher court will most likely be thrown out.

Seeking a DNA test could clear your name if you are pretty sure it's not yours, but it can also potentially give her evidence of your paternity if you're wrong. So it's a gamble.

Unfortunately, these are the only choices open to you by dint of your Y-chromosome. The principle advice I'd give is to choose before the child is born and don't get sucked into this whole 'doing the right thing' peer pressure. And good luck, it's not an easy time and no one really cares what you feel, only what you 'should' be feeling, was my experience.

dolliemix

Sorry to hear you feel so hard done by...bitter exp...but I am appalled at the previous post. There is is only one innocent victim in this whole scenario and that is the baby....mother and father no matter what the circumstances of conception should take responsiblity.