Torn between dream career or more kids, and the clock's ticking on both counts!!

LegacyUser · 21-12-2008 12:57AM #1

Ok, I'll keep this brief & simple if I can. My head is completely melted because I can't decide between having more kids, or pursuing a career in the profession of my dreams. They'd both be equally as challenging and rewarding, with their own ups n downs, and I'm totally torn between the two. I don't think doing both would be an option, the career would take having to go university and then mad hours and intense study etc etc so it wouldn't be fair and I don't think I'd hack it anyway if I had more kids. I've a teenager already.

I'm equally divided in my mind - thinking about more kids makes me exactly as happy as thinking about the dream job does, and I go through thinking I've made my decision about 50 times a day only to swing the other way almost as quickly.

I'm 34 (female), so I don't want to leave it too late whatever I decide, but I'm having serious trouble with this and it's really bringing me down - I wish I could just decide on something and stick with it.

Has anyone ever had this happen? What did you do?! Advice very much appreciated, thanks!

metrovelvet · 21-12-2008 03:42AM

The good news is there is no wrong decision, both would make you happy.

The bad news is only you can make it.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2008 06:03AM

Thanks for your reply metrovelvet, you're right, they'd both be happy outcomes. I forgot to put in the part about not wanting to regret not doing whichever thing I end up not doing - you know?

I'm worried that I'd end up bitter in years to come, feeling like I missed out on something.

Monkey61 · 21-12-2008 09:28AM

Hi OP,

Obviously this is ultimately your decision to make, but how does your partner feel about it? Does he want another child?

Equally I would consider the feelings of your teenager on this one? Would they be happy at such a late age at having more babies foisted upon them, presumably being relied upon for babysitting etc? Teenage years are hard enough without having new siblings to contend with. If it was my mother asking this question when I was in my teenage years I would certainly rather she went off to college to pursue her career dream, but that's just my personal opinion.

If something really is "the profession of your dreams" then I would always say grab at the chance to get it with both hands, as you couldn't possibly regret doing it and may very well once all of your children are grown up and have left home sorely regret not doing it.

the glass woman · 21-12-2008 11:00AM

Hi OP, i decided on a complete career change myself and went back to college in oct when my son was 14 months old, its definitly a challenge but i'm absolutely loving it. The course is part time hours but a huge amount of work and projects etc.. I find it fine though, as tired as i may be the evening i have college, the minute i get to class i'm totally switched on to learning, as its obviously a different part of the brain from what i'm using when i'm looking after my son all day. Is there really no way you could do both? When the next child is a bit older? Is the course full time? How many years is it? I really would find it hard to choose one over the other in your situation so would try hard to find a balance if possible..

Overheal · 21-12-2008 11:43AM

My aunt successfully managed to have 1 child, then after he was in his late teens, had 3 more. not sure about the first child (bit of a hippie that one) but the other 3 are pretty well rounded individuals. I guess he taught his parents a lesson that got passed down

Faith · 21-12-2008 11:52AM

The way I'd see it is, in 20 years, your kids will all have flown the nest and what will you do with yourself? You'll be wishing you had a job that you loved to keep you busy. You already have kids, you don't have your dream career.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2008 11:53AM

Hi OP

A career - no matter how good is just a job. Think about how much you love your current child, would you prefer not to have had that child and had a better job?

Imagine all the joy more children will bring into your life, all the birthdays, trips, friends, weddings, grandchildren. It's a sobering thought but in the real world when you get older and lose friends, partners etc the only people who will want to look after you or even visit will be your kids and grandchildren.

Your career is something you do to make money 9-5 for a couple of years until you retire, are given a watch and forgotten about. This child you could have and all the subsequent grandchildren will still be there right up to the point where they are carrying your coffin!

I hope it works out for you!

littlebug · 21-12-2008 02:08PM

It's a tough one.
Try to picture yourself in 10 years time. Which one would you regret not having done most? What's are partner's feelings on this?

Grawns · 21-12-2008 02:08PM

My Mother started university when we started full-time school, so if you can put off the career for a few years you could possibly have both.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2008 11:10PM

Agree with all the above, but just to add that there's no "right " decision.Both will make you happy, but maybe you should have a chat with your partner, see what they migh think.

cufroige · 22-12-2008 12:36AM

I totally get this dilemma..

I have no children, am 33, not exactly pursuing a career but it just hit me what you said about regretting 'not' having children 10 years later when it's too late..This is how I think

I've been told I'm overthinking things & worrying about something that's not even a reality right now..I thought that was good advice & it reminded me to live in & for the present moment..

Maybe you should pursue both & see what happens and if & when 'whatever' happens, make your decisions then..

Don't think about it as choosing one over the other..go with the flow & see what presents itself to you? A decision is harder to make when trying to predict the future in relation to it.. Listen to your gut

Glowing · 22-12-2008 02:31PM

Tough one, but if you were even thinking about having more kids, I'd go for that, and then in 4 or 5 years time, when the child is starting school you could go back to Uni then .... not having the child is something you might regret when it's too late. You'd still be under 40, and it's no way too late to persue career change.

Trinity · 22-12-2008 03:26PM

It would be tough but could you not do both?

You are never too old to persue further education although granted you wont be as young starting off in a new profession as most its not unheard of.

A psychologist i know got her degree at home whilst having 2 young kids swinging out of her. It was pure dedication and commitment and of course she had the support of her husband.

I had my first child at 26 and my 2nd at 33 and i swear the difference in my energy levels. I was able to do so much more with my first so although its not impossible to have kids into your 40's its probably a lot more tiring. If you put university off for 2 or 3 years say could you swing that?

It will be really tough going but if you want both i guess a little sacrifice comes into play.

Wagon · 22-12-2008 03:39PM

Your job doesn't give a **** about you. Your kids do. Use the job to pay the bills, that's what it's there for. But don't devote your life to it.

Mr. Incognito · 22-12-2008 04:35PM

A job is just till 65,

Kids are for life.

You won't lie on your deathbed wishing you'd worked more.

Putting work before family is a huge part of all the things that are wrong with this country.

No brainer. Surround yourself with a loving family, co-workers won't comfort you when life is tough.

AngryBadger · 22-12-2008 05:43PM

OP, maybe I'm crazy here, but it doesn't seem to me that you're at an age where you couldn't wait a few more years before having an other child? Why not give yourself another year or two to pursue your career then come back and review the situation?

if you decide to have another child there's no going back, if you decide to give the career road a try and in a year or two you feel it was the wrong choice you can always ditch the career and still have another 1 or 2 kids at that stage.

Torn between dream career or more kids, and the clock's ticking on both counts!!

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