One thing on his mind

Gyalist · 25-11-2008 12:32pm

This crazy notion that sex is some sort of gift from women to men seems to have gained currency among a surprisingly large amount of both men and women. The idea that the "relationship" is somehow superior to and separate from the sexual aspect, when it reality they are just the two cheeks of the same arse.

If I were some naive young guy reading so many of the posts here I would go away with the idea that women do not like sex. So many times you hear women saying that "sex is not so important", that is, until they meet someone who knows how to push the right emotional buttons, then they can't get out of their knickers quickly enough and all notions of making the guy wait immediately go out the window. All this talk about guys "getting lucky" and women finally deciding to "give it up" is complete nonsense.

Gyalist · 25-11-2008 12:42pm

Dudess wrote: »

There is no reason not to have sex with someone a few hours after you meet them if you desire them that much. And there is nothing necessarily cheap or nasty about that. There is nothing to stop you being in a long-term relationship with this person and going on to marry them.

That is completely correct in an abstract sense. The problem is that society holds women to a different standard than men and that women, quite rightly in most cases, cannot trust most men to be discreet.

Smart Bug · 25-11-2008 1:40pm

Lurker/very occasional poster here. I'm addressing the OP's first post only with this.

Just to clarify, put this whole situation in a nutshell:

You know this guy fancies you. You flirt & snog a few times over the period of a few months before exchanging numbers. That's all fine, perfectly normal for someone who's not sure if she wants to go out with the guy or not. But I'll take it from his point of view;

He asked you back to his on the first night of you kissing him - this means he wants a one-night stand (most probably). He meets you a couple more times, same thing - he's chancing his arm, keeping himself in the game (his view I reckon), until you make it clear that a one-night stand isn't a runner, whereupon he does one.

The key issue here - he wants a one-night stand, you don't work that way. Not all guys are like this. Some guys (and girls too) are, and there's nothing wrong with this as long as all are consenting adults. Imo I think this situation is a case of miss-apprehension on your part - you thought he was reading from the same page (take it slow, relationship material) where he was only looking for sex. Nothing to do with his age or perceived immaturity, just lack of clarification of both your intents.

Galvasean · 25-11-2008 1:40pm

Gyalist wrote: »

The idea that the "relationship" is somehow superior to and separate from the sexual aspect, when it reality they are just the two cheeks of the same arse.
.

The bit i put in italics is pure gold! I'm gonna use that phrase from now on

I can understand why someone would want to wait a while before having sex with a partner. It can sometimes be a good way of measuring if your OH is only 'after one thing' from the relationship. If they are willing to stick around without having sex then they probably like you for other reasons which is good.
Unfortunately on the other hand, if a couple wait too long before 'doing it' they may realize they are sexually incompatible and the relationship could end up finishing over that.

*sigh* relationships.

Chucky the tree · 25-11-2008 1:45pm

What 18yr old guy isnt after one thing?

BKtje · 25-11-2008 1:56pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What 18yr old guy isnt after one thing?

Plenty, me for one when i was 18.

Galvasean · 25-11-2008 2:04pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What 18yr old guy isnt after one thing?

Ladies Lounge, constant source of sweeping generalizations.

I vaguely recall being after decent Leaving Cert. results when i was 18.

Barcode · 25-11-2008 2:32pm

Xavi6 wrote: »

Is he out of school?

Yes he is out of school, Planning on going to college in September, deferred his course. my god if he was still in school wouldn't have even thought about going there :eek:

Gary ITR · 25-11-2008 2:35pm

BKtje wrote: »

Plenty, me for one when i was 18.

You wanted a sandwich after?

Seriously though it just sounds like this guy was only after one thing, fair enough but please don't tar all of us with the same brush. I for one wouldn't sleep with a girl on the first or second date.

MagicMarker · 25-11-2008 2:46pm

If I had randomly been kissing a girl over a 3 month period, finally go on a 'date' and she THEN decides that I have to wait for as long as she deems necessary to have sex, I would laugh in her face and then go make a move on her easier younger sister.

Dragan · 25-11-2008 2:47pm

Barcode wrote: »

Yes he is out of school, Planning on going to college in September, deferred his course. my god if he was still in school wouldn't have even thought about going there :eek:

Why not? He wouldn't have been any older or younger than he is.

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What 18yr old guy isnt after one thing?

Me. But then again i have a thing for sisters.

Dudess · 25-11-2008 2:47pm

Onkle wrote: »

Seriously though it just sounds like this guy was only after one thing, fair enough but please don't tar all of us with the same brush. I for one wouldn't sleep with a girl on the first or second date.

Well I wouldn't see anything wrong with that, but yeah, I hate the assumption that all teenagers are horndogs. I wasn't, and at the time, I thought there was something wrong with me. Some people - actually a lot of people - are late bloomers (if e.g. early 20s could be described as "late").

Galvasean · 25-11-2008 2:47pm

Dragan wrote: »

Why not? He wouldn't have been any older or younger than he is.

But, but.. what would my sewing circle say! :eek:

Dragan · 25-11-2008 2:51pm

Galvasean wrote: »

But, but.. what would my sewing circle say! :eek:

Whatever it took to disguise their jealousy.

[WoW] · 25-11-2008 3:03pm

he was obviously just looking for one thing! if the guy is into you and wants to go steady he will def wait. my ex waited 3/4 months and didnt mind at all.:rolleyes:

Barcode · 25-11-2008 3:08pm

Faith wrote: »

Hold on, so he'd already been waiting 3 months? Sounds like he did wait for you, but decided he was never going to get anywhere if you were still holding out after that long.

I don't know, I see where he's coming from if that's the case.

Hold on a sec, we weren't seeing each other, he was free to be with as many girls as he wanted, Nothing stopping him. We had a few kisses at the end of 2 or 3 nights thats it.
We eventually swapped numbers and then he asks do i want to meet up? and I agreed - before sex came up and he walked.

To clear up a few things
And i know generalizations are being made that guys wont wait for sex, and i know that not all guys are like that. Some are up their own arse...........

MagicMarker wrote: »

I would laugh in her face and then go make a move on her easier younger sister.

and more aren't.

And I know that the maturity levels are different which was why i kept away from the guy to start.
I also want to point out perhaps there is more to a relationship than just sex, Yeah we kissed a few times that didn't mean i actually knew the guy and wanted to jump straight into bed after kissing him a few times.I wasn't just teasing the guy for kicks either i did actually like him.

Dragan · 25-11-2008 3:15pm

Barcode wrote: »

I wasn't just teasing the guy for kicks either i did actually like him.

But the lesson learned here is that you jumped the gun on thinking that he "liked" you in a way that meant it would lead to a relationship.

Look, if i'm single and in the mood for a bit of casual sex and the lass i have been kissing a couple of times tells me she "wants to know for sure i am the one" then that is telling me that she is in a good bit deeper than i am and is looking for something i can't give her.

At least the chap was honest about what he wanted.

Barcode · 25-11-2008 3:21pm

Dragan wrote: »

At least the chap was honest about what he wanted.

True i think were both being perfectly honest with each other, and we both wanted different things at the time.

shellyboo · 25-11-2008 3:21pm

Dragan wrote: »

At least the chap was honest about what he wanted.

This is a very good point... at least he didn't string you along for a few weeks, getting his kicks elsewhere, then dumped you the second he managed to bed you.

Essentially, you were looking for different things... and that could happen whether the guy is 18 or 80.

Snowie · 25-11-2008 3:23pm

Barcode wrote: »

Is sex the only thing on a guy's mind?
Are guy's willing to wait? - I'm not talking forever but a few months so you get a chance to get to know a person properly. (male and female perspectives wanted please!)

My Sceal.
22 yr old female(moi) meets 18 yr old male.
He's liked me with a good while but i kept running away cause he's only 18. So i eventually say the hell with it and think I'll give him a chance, he seemed like a really nice guy.

So anyway we met each other out a few times, kissed a few times at the end of a saturday night (3/4 times over 3 months).
The first night we kissed he asked me back to his place and i said "no"
(I'd like to point out I'm not easy and in the habit of jumping into bed with just anyone)

Then one saturday night I finally say feck it I'll make the move and i ask for his number, and we swap numbers. We met again at the end of the night and we kissed again and he asks do i want to meet up tomorrow, and of course I was starting to like the guy a little more and said "yeah of course". He turns to me and says "seriously if i text you tomorrow we can meet up?" I was like "yeah totally"
I was looking forward to getting to know the guy - not much talking was involved any time we had met each other out.

So anyway after a while, he then asks me if i wanted to go back to his place or could he go back to mine and i said "no". He asked "Why not?" I said to him "You might be waiting a little while i want to make sure you are the right person" He then said "and you aren't sure if its me" I said "No I'm not" He then asked "how long do you think I'll be waiting" I said "I don't know, if you don't want to wait you can walk away now if you want to, it's up to you" and thats what he did.................needless to say we didn't meet up the next day and he didn't text. We have met out and said hi but that's it.

Now I'm beginning to think maybe there aren't any guys out there who are willing to wait. Opinions??

lol my opinion is, one of three I have'nt decied on it but hey

I once asked a girl for a Bj she slapped me in the face and never spoke to me again. Did i learn my lesson well yeah at first i didnt realise what i had said but then when a female friend pointed out that you dont ask for Bj's there when for when you do something good patted me on the head and sent me on my way.....

The other thing is he's pretty damm pushy, which could mean that he is infact a virgin and trying to get his leg over .... which would explain the wanna come back to my place or can i go to yours which is pretty rude...Imature and just i wouldnty say it ever altho ive said worse...

Or hes just trying to get his leg over...

Barcode wrote: »

Now I'm beginning to think maybe there aren't any guys out there who are willing to wait. Opinions??

.

willing to wait? why not damm best fun ever the ups the down the flirting kissing. sugestive texts, and if that builds up it can lead to a good passion...
so yeah we can better be worth it thi

Galvasean · 25-11-2008 3:25pm

Dragan wrote: »

the lass i have been kissing a couple of times tells me she "wants to know for sure i am the one"

Forgetting the casual sex bit, I'm sure a lot of people might be put off by such a quote. It's a big ask to someone you've only kissed a few times. Heck you haven't even gone on a date yet.

Gyalist · 25-11-2008 3:33pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

lol my opinion is, one of three I have'nt decied on it but hey

I once asked a girl for a Bj she slapped me in the face and never spoke to me again. Did i learn my lesson well yeah at first i didnt realise what i had said but then when a female friend pointed out that you dont ask for Bj's there when for when you do something good patted me on the head and sent me on my way.....

WTF? I hope that this is a joke.

OP, it seems that your problem is that the guy has become more attractive and desirable because he was prepared to walk.

I can't disagree more with the implication in many of these posts that there is some sort of moral superiority in "making the guy wait".

Snowie · 25-11-2008 3:35pm

Gyalist wrote: »

WTF? I hope that this is a joke.

i hope you tock it as a joke

Dragan · 25-11-2008 3:41pm

Barcode wrote: »

True i think were both being perfectly honest with each other, and we both wanted different things at the time.

And the end of the day that is all you can do. One thing that you CAN'T do is to judge all men off the one interaction, or think that we are all out for the one thing. At times i was the guy looking to get laid and i was the guy looking for a relationship.

There will most likely be times in your life that you are looking for a relationship and times when you just need a bit of nookie. Neither is a bad thing, you a person with the variable needs and desires that a person will have over the course of their life.

The fact that this guy wanted to get laid is not an insult to you, it's a compliment in it's own weird way.

panda100 · 25-11-2008 4:23pm

Barcode wrote: »

Is sex the only thing on a guy's mind?Now I'm beginning to think maybe there aren't any guys out there who are willing to wait. Opinions??

To answer the first question, No, theres a lot more going on in guys heads other than sex.Though I will admit that there are some guys out there, and women, who are soley intrested in the physical aspect of a relationship. These people usually are quite upfront that they dont want anything else but sex, so If you want more than just sex just avoid these people,you will only end up getting hurt.

Answer to question two, is yes most guys are willing to wait. I have dated every type of guy you can imagine from sensitive,hippy poet type to rugby playing medics and one thing they all have in common is that first and formost they want to find someone they can hang out with and have a nice time with. It usually takes me a loooooooong time before I feel ready to sleep with someone in a relationship, and everyguy I've gone out with has respected my decision to wait. Hope that helps restore a bit of your faith in men

Chucky the tree · 25-11-2008 4:32pm

BKtje wrote: »

Plenty, me for one when i was 18.

:pac:

Galvasean wrote: »

Ladies Lounge, constant source of sweeping generalizations.

I vaguely recall being after decent Leaving Cert. results when i was 18.

IS this a joke lik Dragans one? Cos it took me 10minutes to figure out his one.

Dragan wrote: »

Me. But then again i have a thing for sisters.

Kudos.:pac:

spiritcrusher · 25-11-2008 4:57pm

I'm glad to see it's been said before but people should really stop putting sex on a pedestal. I can't understand why if someone likes someone else, they feel they should put off using the most natural and basic way of expressing it. It's not that big a deal! It's sex. It's what people were pretty much born to do. Not something to try and bargain for a relationship. That being said that's just my opinion, I wouldn't be the most conservative person in the world

Anyway, I think it's fair enough that in this case that both people were honest with each other and no harm was done, no feelings hurt etc.

honru · 25-11-2008 6:01pm

spiritcrusher wrote:

I can't disagree more with the implication in many of these posts that there is some sort of moral superiority in "making the guy wait".

Exactly. Who is to say that having sex early on will not lead to a long and fulfilling relationship? Believing that waiting for sex will lead to something more satisfying is an illusion, and life is so criminally short.

Saying that, I do respect people who choose to wait, as long as they are deciding within their own intentions and not reacting to a socially-constructed double standard. That includes rationalising your actions as wanting to get to know the other person when in fact you fear being judged. And, in the case of men, investing in the illusion (madonna-whore complex) that a woman who holds out for sex is somehow higher quality.

Fauldy Banny · 25-11-2008 7:06pm

When I was 18 all I wanted was money for drink and to have as much sex as I could get (which wasn't much). I would tell girls anything they wanted to hear just to get into their knickers. All of my mates were the same except one.

This lad is just a normal 18 yo who's doing what every other lad is doing.

Men and women are very different, from the onset Women are looking for a relationship and men look for sex, when they're together a while they are then equal in their needs.

I think all this goes back to nature, Females normally pick their mates but males would mate with any female, its the same for humans now but we just complicate it more.

4zn76tysfajdxp · 25-11-2008 8:37pm

Dudess wrote: »

Sex is put on way too much of a pedestal - all this "being ready" stuff is just societally and culturally constructed... for what? A basic function which propagates the species, kinda like eating.

There is no reason not to have sex with someone a few hours after you meet them if you desire them that much. And there is nothing necessarily cheap or nasty about that. There is nothing to stop you being in a long-term relationship with this person and going on to marry them.

*Checks breath*

So uh....what are you doing later?

One thing on his mind

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