I'm looking for a Ben Elton Joke....

Ben Elton did a stand up night years ago on channel 4. He stood on stage and told the men to keep an eye on the women sitting near them and watch for a reaction as he said " Knees apart, bottom against the bed".

He had done a huge ammount of research when his wife had one and he had no idea what a smear test was or what it entailed. It was gloriously funny and irreverant and he descriped the use of the speculum like have a mini driven up your fanny and all the doors opened at once.