Girlfriend won't get a job and doing nothing

LegacyUser · 07-11-2008 12:23PM #1

So me and my girlfriend live together, and have been for the last few months. However, she's contributing nothing fnancially. She's paying no bills, rent, food or entertainment. She does pay, for the most part, for her own clothes and make up. However, about 6 months ago I was fired and althought I had another job quickly the wage was less. She does contrubute in other ways, the house is always clean and she does the laundry. I love her to pieces but it's really stressing me out that she won't get a job. I have been asking her for months.

When I say, "won't" I don't mean can't. She really has made no effort to get a job. She gets €100 from watching her sister's child 3 to 4 days a week but most of this gets spent on clothes. She says she can't get a job because she's obligated to watch her sister's child. Meanwhile her sister is getting super cheap child care and saving for a deposit on a new house. So basically, I am subsitidizing her sister's deposit that pisses me off because we're living pay check to paycheck.

With the economy the way it is, I have told her things could get really bad quick and if she's working all the money she makes could be saved away for a rainy day. Even a job in a chipper answering the phone would be grand. We've walked by tons of take-a-ways with adverts in the window. She hasn't even made up a C.V.! In the past she's applied for nany positions but when these people ask her to drop by for an interview she blows it off.

On top of all this she's really doing nothing with her life. She has no friends, she's not taking any courses and when she's not watching her sister's kid she's on eBay. She's nearly 30 and going nowhere.

Can anyone offer any ideas on how I can motivate her and improve both of our lives?

Wagon · 07-11-2008 12:44PM

She sounds depressed. Don't take my word for it though, I'm not a psychologist but it's just a thought. Chat to her, see if there's something else up. Might be a little scared of the future and is thinking of having a family or something. Seems to happen to women at around 30. Anyway, chat to her nicely, don't start bitching about the lack of money (not giving out to you mate

)but just take a closer look.

SarahSassy · 07-11-2008 12:47PM

She is acting like someone who moved straight from her parents house to your place and still thinks she should be minded and subsidised.

I personally would not enter into a relationship with someone with no sense of responsibility or with no aims in life...

You probably wont be able to change her but you need to decide if you can live with this for the rest of your life...

jessbeth · 07-11-2008 12:48PM

Tell her you would like to have a heart to heart about something that's bothering you and make out a special time for this to happen. That way she'll understand that you mean business and really want to get somethings off your chest. Tell her that you're getting extremely stressed worrying about the bills etc and that you know that she's being really nice to her sister but that you would really appreciate it if she would try to chip in more financially in the relationship. Tell her that she is beautiful, bright and intelligent and is wasting a lot of time sitting at home doing nothing when she has so much to contribute to society. (Make it sound like a really good idea!) I really feel though if you're just honest and say it in a heartfelt instead of angry manner that you should be able to get your point across without it causing a row. Good Luck.

6th · 07-11-2008 12:50PM

Well you cant leave things as they are or you will end up with no money and nothing but resentment for your gf. Has she ever had a job?

tbh · 07-11-2008 12:51PM

she's not going to change unless she wants to. You're not going to be able to deal with her unless she changes. So, if I were in your shoes, I would sit her down and say "look, it's very important for me that you are earning. I find myself losing respect for you just sitting around doing nothing, and I can't go out with a girl I don't respect. You're perfectly entitled to carry on living your life the way you are now, but you should know that I won't be a part of it any more if you do". And then, whatever she says, you should respect it.

It's important that you talk about this. I don't know if you have already or not. I can understand that you are angry about this,and probably getting angrier all the time as you have arguments with her in your head

but for all you know, maybe she's just waiting for a couple of months before she does x,y,z. Probably not, like, but you should establish that first.

Like I say, she's perfectly entitled to live her life this way. But maybe she would feel that she would rather get a job than lose you. You won't know until you ask her, but you should be prepared to leave if she doesn't want to change. If she doesn't want to change, then it's down to you to see if you can accept her as she is or not.

Puddleduck · 07-11-2008 12:52PM

Id tell her in no uncertain terms that you cant afford to support both of you so the choices are that you can get your own place and let her visit while she goes home, or she needs to start pulling her weight. Shes getting money and blowing it on luxuries and you are just letting her instead of saying 'Well can you give me 50 euro towards bills'. Shes getting a free ride and you are struggling to make ends meet. Sit down and talk to her.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2008 01:39PM

I was in a similar situation with an ex a number of years ago. He was unemployed and depressed and in the sort of state that he had no motivation whatsoever and just couldn't see a way out of it.

I eventually told him (very lovingly) that I couldn't take the responsibility of support the two of us on my salary and that the worry about money and the burden was stressing me out constantly. You need to do the same - make her see that her actions (or lack thereof) are making you suffer (suffering being stressing, worrying, etc. etc.) and hopefully because she loves you, seeing how upset/worried/stressed you are over it will motivate her.

Best of luck.

justamilk · 07-11-2008 02:24PM

You say she's really tried to get a job but she hasnt even made up a CV. I think the first thing to do is to sit down with her and help her to make one and help her post it on some internet job sites, iv had great success with callbacks from doing this.

Id also try and talk to her sister, let her know that the 4 days of childminding a week is really hindering your girlfriends chances of finding a career. She should be encouraging her to get a job.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2008 02:36PM

You knew this before you moved in with her so why did you move in with you? By doing this you were accepting the situation as it stood at that time which is the same as it is now.

Beruthiel · 07-11-2008 02:40PM

I personally wouldn't and couldn't live with someone who wasn't pulling their equal share of the weight.
They would be told in no uncertain terms that they either do so or walk because I'm not working my ass off for two people.
Tell her straight.

MagicMarker · 07-11-2008 02:41PM

She's not depressed, she may be lazy, but one things for sure, she's a leech sucking you dry.

She is totally using you man, why would she get a job when you pay for EVERYTHING, she has it made!

It amazes me how some people allow others to just take complete advantage, especially when it's so obvious.

Personally, i think you should grow a pair and get rid of her ASAP.

sprinklesspanky · 07-11-2008 03:04PM

So I've had many "heart to hearts" with her. In the she always says "I'll get a job" but nothings ever done, no CV written no applications put in... days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. I don't seem to be able to get through to her.

She has worked before, she managed a call center. No, she most certainly doesn't have the baby blues.

When she moved in with me it was to be a step towards independence and not a step back.

She's not using me, because all I am providing is a night out once a week (I'd do that any way), rent (it would be the same with or without her) and food (that is an additional cost but minimal €300 or €400 a month). Entertainment costs money, transporation, and bits here and there all in all she's probably costing me €600 per month but that €600 could be saved. I haven't spent any real big money on her, no gifts like jewerly or a car. What I am frustrated with is we have no savings and we're going financially nowhere. If she had a job and was able to chip in we could be saving for hard times, right now we have no parachute. We also can't buy things that we want (a bigger TV, holidays) and I can't buy things I want (musical equipment). I don't like living paycheck to paycheck as it's fiscally irresponsible and it's keeping me up at nights.

I want to motivate her to get a job, I have been nice and I have been direct. Whatever approch I am using is not working but she's not attacking the prospect of getting a job with any vigor.

I want her to have a can do attitude and get out there and start making it happen. The economy is horrible but even trying would make me feel better.

sprinklesspanky · 07-11-2008 03:05PM

justamilk wrote: »

You say she's really tried to get a job but she hasnt even made up a CV. I think the first thing to do is to sit down with her and help her to make one and help her post it on some internet job sites, iv had great success with callbacks from doing this.

Id also try and talk to her sister, let her know that the 4 days of childminding a week is really hindering your girlfriends chances of finding a career. She should be encouraging her to get a job.

I meant to say, she really hasn't tried. No effort whatsoever really.

sprinklesspanky · 07-11-2008 03:08PM

tbh wrote: »

she's not going to change unless she wants to. You're not going to be able to deal with her unless she changes. So, if I were in your shoes, I would sit her down and say "look, it's very important for me that you are earning. I find myself losing respect for you just sitting around doing nothing, and I can't go out with a girl I don't respect. You're perfectly entitled to carry on living your life the way you are now, but you should know that I won't be a part of it any more if you do". And then, whatever she says, you should respect it.

It's important that you talk about this. I don't know if you have already or not. I can understand that you are angry about this,and probably getting angrier all the time as you have arguments with her in your head but for all you know, maybe she's just waiting for a couple of months before she does x,y,z. Probably not, like, but you should establish that first.

Like I say, she's perfectly entitled to live her life this way. But maybe she would feel that she would rather get a job than lose you. You won't know until you ask her, but you should be prepared to leave if she doesn't want to change. If she doesn't want to change, then it's down to you to see if you can accept her as she is or not.

Very true, but I am not ready to give an ultimatum and I find they can be counter-productive.

It would be one thing if she was on the dole, at least that would be some sort of money coming in.

Dave! · 07-11-2008 03:08PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

I personally wouldn't and couldn't live with someone who wasn't pulling their equal share of the weight.
They would be told in no uncertain terms that they either do so or walk because I'm not working my ass off for two people.
Tell her straight.

This is the answer. Ultimatum time. I can't stand people who take advantage like this.

MagicMarker · 07-11-2008 03:13PM

sprinklesspanky wrote: »

all in all she's probably costing me €600 per month

So you spend 600 a month on her, as well as (i assume) a couple of hundred on her half of the rent she SHOULD be paying.

And you think she's not using you?.......... Seriously?

Wow, i didn't realise love could be so stupidly blind!

You're being taken for a ride my friend. Whether you want to believe it or not.

tbh · 07-11-2008 03:14PM

sprinklesspanky wrote: »

Very true, but I am not ready to give an ultimatum and I find they can be counter-productive.

It would be one thing if she was on the dole, at least that would be some sort of money coming in.

that's fine, but then there's no point being pissed off at her. If you're not willing to do anything about it, why should she?

peanuthead · 07-11-2008 03:19PM

sprinklesspanky wrote: »

Very true, but I am not ready to give an ultimatum and I find they can be counter-productive.

I dont think you should do this either.

First things first, stop subsidizing her sisters deposit for a house. I know how easy it is if you OH is struggling with money to just give her some and pay for things. But you need to show her that its not going to work.

You need to make her realise that having no money has certain consequences. Now it will be hard on you for a while too, but for now, no cinema, going out for a drink, brand named foods, dinner out etc... because "we just can't afford it dear" She will soon rethink her choice then.

As a matter of interest where are you guys living at the moment? With parents/ apart/ renting?

peanuthead · 07-11-2008 03:23PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

And you think she's not using you?.......... Seriously?

no im sorry, thats crap. it does not mean she is using him,

OP your gf is almost 30 and has been out of a job for a while and has no friends. Starting a new job is bound to be a very frightening experience for her. And although she needs to do it, if not for anything else, for her own sense of pride, you throwing accusations and ultimatums at her are going to have an undesired effect.

She obviously appreciates what you do, she keeps the house clean at least! But she does need to get out there. She started off lazy and has now got stuck in a rut. However this will be hard for her and she will need your support.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2008 03:40PM

peanuthead wrote: »

I dont think you should do this either.

First things first, stop subsidizing her sisters deposit for a house. I know how easy it is if you OH is struggling with money to just give her some and pay for things. But you need to show her that its not going to work.

You need to make her realise that having no money has certain consequences. Now it will be hard on you for a while too, but for now, no cinema, going out for a drink, brand named foods, dinner out etc... because "we just can't afford it dear" She will soon rethink her choice then.

As a matter of interest where are you guys living at the moment? With parents/ apart/ renting?

I have a two bedroom and sub-let one of the rooms to a lodger. Our out of pocket rent is €800 per month, so technically it would be €400 each but, again, I'd have to pay the same if she wasn't living with me.

peanuthead · 07-11-2008 03:48PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a two bedroom and sub-let one of the rooms to a lodger. Our out of pocket rent is €800 per month, so technically it would be €400 each but, again, I'd have to pay the same if she wasn't living with me.

Oh, okay. You could maybe voice your concern to her that your outgoings are alot. Even if theyre not, it doesnt matter. I know its like lying to her, but short of saying "Get a fucking job I dont know what else to do." Mean as it sounds, bar the rent I would try give her as little as possible. But instead of saying "you're not getting any of this" be more like "we are going to have to cut back on things like this..." be sensitive but firm.

Curlypinkie · 07-11-2008 06:03PM

She's not in a respectful, equal relationship with you. She has found a sugardaddy.
Ultimatum time, me thinks.

peanuthead · 07-11-2008 06:59PM

OP, did she ever work in all the time you have met her? How long you guys together? How long she out of work?

Motley Crue · 07-11-2008 08:08PM

Unregistered wrote: »

So me and my girlfriend live together, and have been for the last few months. However, she's contributing nothing fnancially. She's paying no bills, rent, food or entertainment.

Unacceptable. She should be at least paying for one of these basic things and even if she cannot afford all the rent, which should really be insisted upon, then I would ask that she pay for some of the food

Unregistered wrote: »

She does pay, for the most part, for her own clothes and make up.

Do you mean that your allowing her to take money from you for her food, her half of the rent, her entertainment and for a portion of her clothes! Stop this bull**** now

Unregistered wrote: »

She does contrubute in other ways, the house is always clean and she does the laundry.

Thats what its supposed to be. Me and my girlfriend split the duties in the flat and its always clean but that doesnt excuse either of us from paying for either the food or rent bills. This girl is taking advantage.

Unregistered wrote: »

When I say, "won't" I don't mean can't. She really has made no effort to get a job.

Then you must draw the line and tell her to get a job. What have you got to loose, if anything, you will gain the extra money from not paying for her food, a portion of her clothes and for her entertainment and will be able to live more comfortably.

MagicMarker · 07-11-2008 08:16PM

Not to mention the fact that she does actually earn 100 euro a week but spends 'most of it' on clothes:rolleyes:

Why doesn't she give half to you OP, that's 200 euro a month right there that will pay for her share of the food.

How anyone can deny that she's using you when she spends all of her money (and A LOT more than is generally acceptable even for those with jobs ) on clothes is beyond me. I'm not saying she doesn't care for you, but she has absolutely no respect for you.

[Jackass] · 07-11-2008 08:41PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Even a job in a chipper answering the phone would be grand.

What an odd job

Where is this chipper / receptionist service?

OP you've got to draw a line in the sand. Also, she shold get the dole. That would add another €200 per week onto what she's already getting!

Although I'm suggesting the dole, what a sponge!! Tell her to get down the pizza place straight away and start typing up a CV and get her arse in gear!!

You would also want to ask serious questions about is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of you life with? No doubt if she had a kid of her own, or any semi-valid reason, she would NEVER work and there's nothing you could do about it. Do you really want to pay the way for 3+ people in this world on your own?

07-11-2008 10:26PM

and there all in all she's probably costing me €600 per month but that €600 could be saved.

Why are you going on like it's ONLY 600 a month? That's a hell of a lot of money to spend on someone else.

OP you've got to draw a line in the sand. Also, she shold get the dole. That would add another €200 per week onto what she's already getting!

Eh no she shouldn't. She's perfectly capable of getting a job, if OP is happy to support her, fine, but I'm not happy to support some lazy woman who spends all her money on clothes while I'm getting taxed up the arse and working until 10pm every night.

She does contrubute in other ways, the house is always clean and she does the laundry.

Big deal. She should be doing her share of the housework anyway. Most people work 8 hours a day and then come home and cook and clean. She's majorly taking you for a ride.

Last year, I was getting emergency taxed for months, I had a full time job, but was only getting half my salary (which wasn't much anyway). My boyfriend was kind enough to let me live with him for a few months, as like you said, he'd have been paying the rent anyway. I still paid all the bills and gave him as much money towards his rent as I could after food costs, etc. I used to come home wrecked at 9pm after a full day and 1.5 hour commute and cook dinner for him. It was the least I could do. I wouldn't have had the NERVE to come in with shopping bags. I only bought the absolute essentials and even then I felt bad about not paying my way. This woman is an absolute sponge. No question about it.

Venom · 07-11-2008 11:37PM

Have to agree with Magicmarker in that you are being taking for a ride OP. The fact that you went to the hassle of posting in this forums show's your current situation is bad and is effecting you in a negitive way.

But one thing I dont understand is why your girlfriend is not even on the dole as that would double her income?

NibNib · 08-11-2008 12:20AM

I am just thinking if this girl is obligated to look after her sister's child, why hasn't she any obligation to you, OP? She is spending her money on herself only, and if she gets the dole, the extra income doesn't necessary contribute to your expenditure... maybe contribute to that nice pair of shoes or that lovely coat just beyond her budget last week...

If she's near 30, she should be a responsible adult, or at least has some directions in life... Has she any thoughts about your future together?

I agree with others that she is taking you for a ride... Time to be firm and talk to her... I feel you deserve better.

RoosterIllusion · 08-11-2008 08:14AM

As someone who has had money problems before I have to say that the reason she is spending the only money she earns on clothes is because your letting her.

Personally I would give her an ultimatum and then kick her out if that is not met. Imagine this situation as being one between you and a generic housemate instead of your girlfriend. It has the potential to put you under huge pressure so just end the situation before it turns into something big.

I'm not saying break up with her, but it is obvious living together in that context is only costing you money and brainwashing her into thinking that is reality.

Girlfriend won't get a job and doing nothing

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