Finding it difficult to make friends

mezain · 02-10-2008 01:27PM #1

I'm a mature student (but not old) who's just started first year, but i'm finding it very very difficult to make friends in the course. I've tried the usual talking to people in lectures, inviting them to go for coffee in the Main, etc, yet nothing seems to work. I have joined the usual clubs/societies but i'd rather make friends with people in my course who i'll see day in day out. I haven't got a bad personality and don't have a face like Frankenstein. Yet i'm beginning to feel very left out as practically everyone else in the course seems to have made friends.

What should i do?

KnifeWRENCH · 02-10-2008 01:35PM

It's often difficult for people to make friends when first starting a course. There's only one full week of college gone though - there's plenty of time left in term for you to get to know people. Making friends takes time, it doesn't happen instantaneously.
All I can suggest is keep trying.
And remember, some of those other people may have known each other before college, and may have been friends anyway.

SilverFox261 · 02-10-2008 03:26PM

I know someone who was in the same situation when they started in UCC. This person was in their early 30's and what they found worked was

1) Going to class nights out. People usually loosen their tongues when they are out and when you see them in college afterwards ye can talk about the night.

2) Discussing assignments you get with classmates. They found that asking for help or giving help when asked was a good way to make them more approachable.

It could also be that many of the people in your class might be hanging out with friends they have in other courses that they knew before starting college. If you keep doing what you are doing at the moment you will start making friends. As square_igloo said, there is only one full week gone.

Poloman · 02-10-2008 03:30PM

If its the first week chill out. A lot of UCC people are stuck up. Class nights out are worth going to if they organise it. Maybe even suggest a night out to some people.

Just say it loud before a lecture some day "Anyone fancy a few pints tonight".

And if all comes to all go out yourself to the usual haunts and you will bump into a few of them.

mezain · 02-10-2008 04:14PM

I'll try whats been suggested but its no different to what i've been doing for the the last 10 days, i wouldn't be too hopeful.

ReacherCreature · 02-10-2008 04:56PM

Just turn to the person beside you and strike up a conversation about anything, I'm sure they'll be glad to talk to people and some, are probably in the same situation as yourself.

Worked for me in 1st Year anyways.

03-10-2008 02:58PM

Poloman wrote: »

A lot of UCC people are stuck up.

I think that is a stupid statement. And I say that without detracting from how valid the rest of your post is. Stuck up? How many 17-18 year olds have any idea how to deal with people when they start college? It has nothing to do with being stuck up, in my opinion.

eden_my_ass · 03-10-2008 03:04PM

mezain wrote: »

I'm a mature student (but not old) who's just started first year, but i'm finding it very very difficult to make friends in the course. I've tried the usual talking to people in lectures, inviting them to go for coffee in the Main, etc, yet nothing seems to work. I have joined the usual clubs/societies but i'd rather make friends with people in my course who i'll see day in day out. I haven't got a bad personality and don't have a face like Frankenstein. Yet i'm beginning to feel very left out as practically everyone else in the course seems to have made friends.

What should i do?

I'll go out on a limb and say you probably intimidate your classmates by your age, even if you're only a few years older you're worlds apart, remember that these were leaving cert students a few months ago, socialising with 12-18 year olds! My gf had the same problem at 20 in first year, she found a lot of people very immature and different to her but they are growing up...slowly. Anyway the crux of it is, theres little you can do about them, just keep chatting, and you'll make them realise that theres no age boundaries anymore, its the real world...can't believe I just called UCC the real world!

ReacherCreature · 04-10-2008 12:06AM

Stuck up?

That's fairly harsh.

mezain · 04-10-2008 01:31AM

eden_my_ass wrote: »

I'll go out on a limb and say you probably intimidate your classmates by your age, even if you're only a few years older you're worlds apart, remember that these were leaving cert students a few months ago, socialising with 12-18 year olds! My gf had the same problem at 20 in first year, she found a lot of people very immature and different to her but they are growing up...slowly. Anyway the crux of it is, theres little you can do about them, just keep chatting, and you'll make them realise that theres no age boundaries anymore, its the real world...can't believe I just called UCC the real world!

I'm 24, but i don't look a day over 20 so there's no way that my 'age' intimdates my younger classmates.

save_our_socks · 04-10-2008 02:21AM

Give it until Christmas, I was in the same boat last year, 22 going into first year with people who hadnt even turned 18, at this stage I had had my fill of young ones seeing as I had spent the previous year repeating my leaving cert with 17 yr olds. Spent my first few months wandering around on my own. Didnt really start gelling with people until Decemeber, and it came about through a few in class exams we had...Fair enough I still cant stand the immaturity of some of them, but get to know people and youll be surprised, there are probably more people closer to your age than you think in the year....you just have to weed them out.

Fabio · 04-10-2008 03:56PM

Give yourself time....make one friend and soon it starts to expand as they introduce you to others and such...

Clubs and Socs are a good way to go though and there is even a Mature Student Soc if you want but seeing as you're pretty young, go for something you've interest in.

the_syco · 04-10-2008 04:17PM

Went to Carlow, but I'd say the advice would hold here: most people in the courses went into said courses, or said college with mates. You don't get to talk much in class, but if you go to a club or soc, everyone there will be talking about the club/soc, as they're interested in it. Note: only goto a club/soc if you're interested in it, don't go to a club/soc for the sake of joining a club/soc. Goto a club/soc as you know you'll enjoy the club/soc, as you'll enjoy the topic of the soc more, and therefore will meet like minded people easier.

You goto the class to learn, to the club/soc to socialize.

CDfm · 04-10-2008 04:17PM

Go to the student union - seek out the Entertainments officer or Societies officer or even the student union president or vice president.

Find an active society that does things like hillwalking,historical debating and support college teams and thats a biggie.

Tell them you are having problems getting to know people and would like to help out at stuff and volunteer to do stuff and get involved in things- you will get to meet others .

If you are doing stuff with people very soon you will make friends.

Its years since I went to college but they always need volunteers chairs dont get put out themselves or tidy themselves up by magic or posters dont put themselves up or take themselves down. People think they do.

Years since Ive been at college but those are things that you could start straight away and should work.

Energizeer · 08-10-2008 12:46PM

Well did you make any friends?

Alan Smith · 08-10-2008 05:53PM

I'm in Arts and I think the problem is that there are too many people there. I talk to people next to me but I usually don't see them again.

mezain · 10-10-2008 01:16AM

Energizeer wrote: »

Well did you make any friends?

I've made a few aquaintances, all other mature students, but i'd hardly call them friends as yet. Its just like school really, if you're perceived as being somewhat different or ''uncool'', then you're alienated.

CDfm · 10-10-2008 01:22AM

thats the same everywhere

it takes a while

so you wanna bee a cool kid - dont wash buy your clothes in Penneys and drink fizzy drinks.

get a bebo account and say did you see this on Encyclopedia Dramatica

Thats what my kids do

And they are cool

yay_for_summer · 10-10-2008 08:15PM

I agree that talking about assignments is a good idea, there's a mature student on my course who started chatting to me on the stairs the other day about how he was finding one module really difficult and we ended up talking for around 20 minutes at the door. We wouldn't be exactly friends, but I'm really only friends with two people on my course so far (and I knew nobody on day one). I'd sit next to him and have a bit of a chat before lectures if I see him as I come in though.

It takes time to be friends with anyone really but I'd say the asking for and giving help is good, cos it's always nice to know someone else is having trouble with coursework too and you're not the only one, no matter what age they are. Builds a bit of solidarity maybe?

Vengeance · 11-10-2008 08:30PM

Dude, nobody in university is cool. We all have our good qualities and our bad. Talk to your class reps. If they're anything like me, they'll help you out.

I tend to hang out with the older students anyhoo, its more fun tbh.

smk135 · 13-10-2008 05:20PM

mezain wrote: »

I'm 24, but i don't look a day over 20 so there's no way that my 'age' intimdates my younger classmates.

So How's it going for you now a few days on?

By the way, you may be only 24 but you will still have more experience and thus confidence which is always perceivable to others who are uncomfortable so don't worry give yourself some time!

mezain · 15-10-2008 02:05AM

smk135 wrote: »

So How's it going for you now a few days on?

By the way, you may be only 24 but you will still have more experience and thus confidence which is always perceivable to others who are uncomfortable so don't worry give yourself some time!

Still the same as last week. I agree with the poster who said there are too many people in Arts, thats the course i'm doing. You could be chatting away to someone in a lecture, and you might not see said person again for weeks, so big are the individual classes. Sure i'll give it another few weeks and if no progress is made, then i'll start to worry

smk135 · 15-10-2008 08:30AM

mezain wrote: »

Still the same as last week. I agree with the poster who said there are too many people in Arts, thats the course i'm doing. You could be chatting away to someone in a lecture, and you might not see said person again for weeks, so big are the individual classes. Sure i'll give it another few weeks and if no progress is made, then i'll start to worry

Good to hear you've relaxed about it anyway, for your own sake.

I've moved around quite a bit and to be honest it's never easy to make friends in any given situation. I find looking for "acquaintances" works much better; as in people to simply see every now and again.

Worst case scenario - get a job? I don't know if it's feasible for you time wise, but even once or twice a week bar work or something can be great for social life.

Good luck with it and stay positive, am sure it'll fall in place for you!

mezain · 17-10-2008 01:53AM

smk135 wrote: »

Worst case scenario - get a job? I don't know if it's feasible for you time wise, but even once or twice a week bar work or something can be great for social life.

I have a job, working for the same company for the last couple of years, and if anything its taking from my social life, i end up working the nites i'm supposed to go out and socialise.

smk135 · 17-10-2008 09:23AM

mezain wrote: »

I have a job, working for the same company for the last couple of years, and if anything its taking from my social life, i end up working the nites i'm supposed to go out and socialise.

Well then maybe there's your answer? Although you can't stop working I'm sure, for obvious reasons, you could possibly think of changing jobs or doing something more flexible and social?

Unless your job is sponsoring you or something.

midgetflynn · 30-10-2008 04:00PM

I'll prob just end up repeating what a lot of others said but you should def try enjoy a club or soceity,there's one for everyone!and what I did was get involved in the Student's Union,everyone is friendly and there are people of all ages there!
You could try talking to your class rep,get them to organize a class party but do something 'bonding' like bowling,pool or karaoke.

Schoolteacher · 31-10-2008 03:43PM

CDfm wrote: »

thats the same everywhere

it takes a while

so you wanna bee a cool kid - dont wash buy your clothes in Penneys and drink fizzy drinks.

get a bebo account and say did you see this on Encyclopedia Dramatica

Thats what my kids do

And they are cool

Mezain, be careful with this bit of advice. If you genuinely are not cool you will only make matters worse if you TRY to be. Just be yourself, and eek out like-minded people. And so what if you buy clothes in Penny's and drink fizzy drinks - do it with confidence and style, and everyone will start buying in Penny's and drinking fizzies. Laughing and smiling helps.

corkstudent · 01-11-2008 11:27PM

God I want to beat the **** out of UCC Students for liking Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh hey look we're bullying an autistic kid, but it's a PARODY really. Oh hey look, we're ruining 4chan's sense of humour by spamming the same old, tired memes again and again. Oh hey look, we think we're MASTER TROLLS for editting a wiki page about someone we find strange.

I know a few people about who have turned into unfunny sociopaths. It's really sad.

redroar1942 · 03-11-2008 12:58PM

Schoolteacher wrote: »

Mezain, be careful with this bit of advice. If you genuinely are not cool you will only make matters worse if you TRY to be. Just be yourself, and eek out like-minded people. And so what if you buy clothes in Penny's and drink fizzy drinks - do it with confidence and style, and everyone will start buying in Penny's and drinking fizzies. Laughing and smiling helps.

I'm surprised you took the post literally. Are you really a teacher or is it just an alias ?

redroar1942 · 03-11-2008 01:00PM

corkstudent wrote: »

God I want to beat the **** out of UCC Students for liking Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh hey look we're bullying an autistic kid, but it's a PARODY really. Oh hey look, we're ruining 4chan's sense of humour by spamming the same old, tired memes again and again. Oh hey look, we think we're MASTER TROLLS for editting a wiki page about someone we find strange.

I know a few people about who have turned into unfunny sociopaths. It's really sad.

On the plus think of all the different ways they'll be able to say " Do you want fries with that ? " in four years time

Northern Line · 04-11-2008 07:34AM

Alan Smith wrote: »

I'm in Arts and I think the problem is that there are too many people there. I talk to people next to me but I usually don't see them again.

It's the same for me, I'm also in Arts (doing English, History, French and Art History). I'm not very good at talking to people out of the blue in the first place (I'm very anxious) but it's even more difficult when there are so many people in a class that I can't keep track of them on a daily basis or even get to know their names. Like everyone's said though, I guess it just takes time.

Finding it difficult to make friends

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