Girlfriend's mum

Recon · 15-08-2008 09:48PM #1

My girlfriend's mum is a bitch.

I know there's the whole cliche of boyfriends/husbands not liking their other half's mother and I never really understood it until now.

I'm 25, my girlfriend is 23. We've known each other for years and have been together for a few months now. We get on very well together, we can talk about everything and anything and if we do have a disagreement we accept that it's possibly we can look at things a little differently.

So onto her mum. She treats my GF with no respect. Everything my GF does is automatically wrong, done incorrectly, not good enough, stupid, short sighted, not thought through fully etc etc etc. She does threat her other children (2 boys and 2 girls in total) similarly but my GF the worst since she's the slowest to stand up to her mum.

Her mum will bitch about everything. She'll complain that my GF and I spend too much time together. Then other days complain that my GF shouldn't be around the house and should meet up with me. She complain about her staying over at my place, complain if we go away for a weekend. And it's beginning to get to my GF and she's letting her mum get her way.

Something about me. I get on with almost everyone I meet, I'm very easy going and I treat everyone with respect. (I used to work on petrol pumps while in school/college and all the old ladies (and nuns too!!!) getting petrol used to love me!) So I never understood her initial hostility towards me. She was usually fairly civil towards me and has never said anything bad to my face but she has been bitchy or cold towards me a few time. So I know that it's not just because of me that she's being such a bitch.

It has happened a couple of times that to save being bitched at the next day my GF will not go out, we won't meet up in the evening after work or whatever. But her mum will still find something to give out about. She'll criticise my GF about her diet (she's a vegetarian) or say she's getting fat (my GF is beautiful. She's tall and has an amazing body) or just bitch that she didn't dry the pots after cleaning them after dinner, her mum will always find something to bitch about. And if someone tries to stand up to her she WILL start shouting and screaming. She once shouted at the dog for barking and when the dog turned around to walk away she shouted "don't you walk away from me"...

As I mentioned earlier, I'll try to get on with everybody but I'm gone passed the stage of caring with her mum. Does she need psychological help? I don't give a ****. I have heard so many stories and witnessed a few things that I just know she's a horrible person and I'm sure in 10 years she'll have driven all of her children away, possibly for good.

Basically why I'm posting this is to know if anyone has any advice. My GF is currently looking for a new job and to move out of home, but it's difficult to find something suitable for the moment.

RE*AC*TOR · 15-08-2008 09:59PM

She does sound a bit loopers alright. Domineering, controlling etc.
Your GF needs to move out of home, get some space, get some perspective. It doesn't matter if the mother needs psychological help, the important thing is that your GF doesn't continue to feel like she needs to jump through hoops all the time.
Have you discussed this with your GF? I realise it will be a very sensitive, and contentious subject, but it needs to be discussed. You don't want to create a her vs you situation, but as gently as possible try to discuss it.

AARRRGH · 15-08-2008 10:01PM

I've been in your situation more than once!

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do except be supportive.

It sucks.

KingLoser · 15-08-2008 10:22PM

Tell her to get a job in a call centre. You can pretty much walk into them, especially in Cork. The money wont be amazing, but surely ye could share a place?

I know this story, as long as she's living at home, Mammy has the upper hand. (Oddly enough, the girl I met after has the perfect Mother)

MIN2511 · 15-08-2008 10:30PM

She's 23 and an adult, she should MOVE out!

KingLoser · 15-08-2008 10:32PM

MIN2511 wrote: »

She's 23 and an adult, she should MOVE out!

Lots of 23 year olds have pretty legit reasons for still being at home.

I have my own place, but hey, I'm not doin a masters!

DenMan · 15-08-2008 10:33PM

She may not have that confidence to move out just yet.

MagicMarker · 15-08-2008 10:36PM

If this girl were a guy everyone would be saying he should grow a pair of balls.

So, in hindsight, your girlfriend should grow a pair of balls!

If she isn't happy then she should move out!

MagicMarker · 15-08-2008 10:37PM

DenMan wrote: »

She may not have that confidence to move out just yet.

She's 23. She's an adult. She can move out.

Moving out is scary for everyone at first, doing it is just a part of growing up and will only improve confidence.

stepbar · 15-08-2008 10:44PM

TBH you your G/F needs to tell your her Ma to STFU. Seriously. Serious lack of respect on your her Ma's part.

AARRRGH · 15-08-2008 10:45PM

stepbar wrote: »

TBH you need to tell your Ma to STFU. Seriously. Serious lack of respect on your Ma's part.

Yep, if my parents tried that **** on me, I'd be like, eh, wtf, go **** yourself.

The sad thing is her mother will probably start respecting her if she stands up for herself.

15-08-2008 10:50PM

That kind of person is never going to respect anyone.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2008 10:53PM

Hi Recon,

I just wanted to say that your poor girlfriend is probably in a rut with the way she deals with her mother (this is especially true if she has never lived away from home).

If she can't move out the best thing you can do for her is be very supportive but try to let her find her own path to deal with it- don't let yourself get dragged into the middle of a relationship you can't fully understand. Try encouraging her to re evaluate her relationship to her mother- I found the book Toxic Parents helped be make a break in my own thinking about a similar situation. It was great to realise that your parents can be mad an horrible but you can still be normal and a nice person yourself.

Good luck, and remember gentle support rather than strong opinions!

Recon · 15-08-2008 11:10PM

Moonbaby wrote: »

That kind of person is never going to respect anyone.

That's very true. As I said in my original post she treats her other children the very same.

As for the people saying to move out, that's in the process at the moment, jsut wondering if anyone had any decent advice for the time being.

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

Have you discussed this with your GF? I realise it will be a very sensitive, and contentious subject, but it needs to be discussed. You don't want to create a her vs you situation, but as gently as possible try to discuss it.

I'm not in anyway worried about a me vs her mum situation. My GF knows her mum is a bitch and always has been.

stepbar wrote:

TBH you need to tell your Ma to STFU. Seriously. Serious lack of respect on your Ma's part.

It's not my mum, but my GF's. I've had 1 or 2 run-ins with my mum over the years but we sorted **** out and we get on very well now. I've always got on with my dad.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

What I find weird however is my GF's dad is really nice, respectful and supportive. But he won't stand up to his wife.

4Xcut · 15-08-2008 11:31PM

What I find weird however is my GF's dad is really nice, respectful and supportive. But he won't stand up to his wife.

It's called being hen-pecked, in other words, he's whipped.

Recon · 15-08-2008 11:46PM

4Xcut wrote: »

It's called being hen-pecked, in other words, he's whipped.

I just feel sorry for him, I (or my GF) don't know why he hasn't left her.

15-08-2008 11:49PM

Recon wrote: »

I just feel sorry for him, I (or my GF) don't know why he hasn't left her.

Can he feed himself? Bet not.

Recon · 15-08-2008 11:50PM

I don't want to turn this into bashing her dad. It's her mum that's the problem.

DenMan · 16-08-2008 12:15AM

MagicMarker wrote: »

She's 23. She's an adult. She can move out.

Moving out is scary for everyone at first, doing it is just a part of growing up and will only improve confidence.

You're right, moving out will improve a person's confidence, but if they don't have it to begin with, it is easier said than done. She may have lived a sheltered life and may be reluctant to move ouside her comfort zone.

16-08-2008 12:42AM

Recon wrote: »

I don't want to turn this into bashing her dad. It's her mum that's the problem.

You missed my point. He is probably still with her, because he has been conditioned to think he can't survive without her.

It is good advice to encourage your gf to move out.

Teferi · 16-08-2008 03:44AM

I have a an ex whos parents absolutely hated me. So much so that I felt completely out of place when I was in their house. Especially since her sisters boyfriend was basically part of the family.

I was lovely to them. Courteous, chatty, respectful. Nothing I tried would make them change their mind about me. Eventually I gave up. It was about 80% of the reason we broke up in the end. Her parents put an awful lot of pressure on her.

Basically what I am saying is that you wont be able to change her mothers attitude. Just do your best until she can move out.

Beruthiel · 16-08-2008 09:13AM

Recon wrote: »

What I find weird however is my GF's dad is really nice, respectful and supportive. But he won't stand up to his wife.

Sounds like my parents. My mother sounds very much like your g/fs and as a result I moved out at 19.
That is the only thing that will work.
No amount of talking to a woman like that works. She will always see her children as just that while they are still under her roof.
Once your g/f moves out and her mother sees that she can actually survive in the real world, her attitude may change. At least my mothers did, so we can only hope it will be the same for your g/f.

Recon · 16-08-2008 09:52AM

Beruthiel wrote: »

Once your g/f moves out and her mother sees that she can actually survive in the real world, her attitude may change. At least my mothers did, so we can only hope it will be the same for your g/f.

I hope so. Thanks for all the replies.

Recon · 04-09-2008 09:57PM

So now, almost 3 weeks later, my girlfriend is moving out of home

Her friend is changing apartment and my girlfriend is moving into a 2 bedroomed apartment with her. They signed the lease today and will be moving in over the weekend.

My girlfriend is currently telling her mum, she's expecting a good bit of shouting...

RuailleBuaille · 04-09-2008 10:28PM

Recon wrote: »

My girlfriend's mum is a bitch.

.

She once shouted at the dog for barking and when the dog turned around to walk away she shouted "don't you walk away from me"...

.

:eek:
That is hilarious in a really disturbing way.
I have no idea how to deal with that, I can't get my head around irrational lunatics.
Avoid like the plague.
Jebus.

Marksie · 04-09-2008 10:31PM

RuailleBuaille: Please read the charter on unhelpful posts.

GrumPy · 04-09-2008 10:42PM

Recon wrote: »

She once shouted at the dog for barking and when the dog turned around to walk away she shouted "don't you walk away from me"...

ROFL

But on a serious note, she does seem a little bit crazy. Maybe you should sit down and talk about it with your girlfriend? Stand up to her, etc...

Recon · 05-09-2008 12:24AM

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

:eek:
That is hilarious in a really disturbing way.
I have no idea how to deal with that, I can't get my head around irrational lunatics.
Avoid like the plague.
Jebus.

I asked my girlfriend about that again, the dog yawned and she shouted "don't you yawn at me" then shouted "don't you walk away from me" when the dog turned around!

My girlfriend told her dad this evening that she'll be moving out, but her mum was heading out for the night with some friends! Maybe she'll have some time to cool down. Strange how things work sometimes.

Overheal · 05-09-2008 06:36AM

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sounds like my parents. My mother sounds very much like your g/fs and as a result I moved out at 19.
That is the only thing that will work.
No amount of talking to a woman like that works. She will always see her children as just that while they are still under her roof.
Once your g/f moves out and her mother sees that she can actually survive in the real world, her attitude may change. At least my mothers did, so we can only hope it will be the same for your g/f.

That was actually the same story with my father to a T.

carlybabe1 · 05-09-2008 08:53AM

MagicMarker wrote: »

If this girl were a guy everyone would be saying he should grow a pair of balls.

So, in hindsight, your girlfriend should grow a pair of balls!

If she isn't happy then she should move out!

Its not always that easy and dont be surprised that when she does try move out that her mum will either try to guilt trip her into staying, or freeze her out and threaten that she wont be welcome etc etc.. so if your GF is looking for some where and doesn't want to tell her mum till she's found somewhere, go along with it, otherwise she'll be yers tryin to get out from under her.Another alternative, although its pretty unusual is to make recordings of her mum unknown to her, and then play them back to her, sometimes thats the kick up the ass this kind of person needs. TBH she sounds like she has depression imo, and thats not an excuse for her behaviour, just a possibility.

LolaDub · 05-09-2008 12:31PM

Am i the only one that thinks moving out won't solve the problem? It sounds like the relationship between your gf and her mother has deteriorated quite badly. Has your gf ever spoken to your father about it? I'd be fairly sure the aggressions comes from some unhappiness or frustration in her own life and she probably feels she's doing her duty as a parent by 'correcting' or 'teaching' your gf everytime she does something that irks her. What happens when people do stand up to her? Does she play the victim card or does she accept it? I'd say if you gf moves out the relationship will probably get worse than better for a while. I would imagine the mother will see it as her daughter abandoning her or choosing you above the family. All in all she is 23 so its perfectly plausible that she should move out anyway but i don't think its the answer to this particular problem. The mother is likely never to change her ways, people who believe they're in the right rarely do. Maybe if your gf had her in smaller doses she might spend her time chatting to her about whats going on rather than critiscing her every decision. Good Luck!

Girlfriend's mum

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