She said "just friends", so is it time to forget it?

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.

This always starts out with "You're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way". This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, "You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we did hire".

justfriends wrote: »

She said "just friends", so is it time to forget it?

If it's glaringly obvious what the answer is, and I'm just another love-sick male, then please go ahead and post your answer now. If you think it's worthwhile reading the background to my story then I've written it out below. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe when she says "I see you as a friend" it really is 'The End' and nothing that happened before really matters.

If that's the case then tell me now. Please.

The whole story: We met in 1999 when she was 19 and I was 28. I was her tutor/lecturer so I never made a move on her until the very last day of the six-month course. We got together on the class night out and went out for six weeks, before she was due to head overseas to work. We had an amazing six weeks, we never had sex (both virgins back then) but we slept together a lot and it was always amazing. Things, in general, were amazing. A lot of fun and very easy. Definitely the most healthy and open relationship I had ever had (have ever had, actually). I was heartbroken to see her go. Our last meal together was so bittersweet. In some ways it was just as much fun as any other night out, except she wouldn't be sleeping at my house that night and when I woke up next morning she, in fact, be on her way to another coutry. She did leave the country and we stayed in touch. Long phone calls every few weeks kept our friendship alive (much to my amazement). She soon had a boyfriend over there and, to be honest, it didn't bother me that much. She was living in another country for goodness sake, what did I care?

She came home for Christmas and we spent an amazing 12 days together. Out every possible night. We dance well together. She almost my height (6ft) so it's a dream come true being on the dancefloor with her. We read each other perfectly out there. There was no romance this time (as she had a boyfriend waiting) but we still carried on as before, in every other respect, and it was just a good. If not better. And when she got back on the plane this time... I realised/admitted I was hopelessly in love with her. Dammit!

Our phone-friendship continued and by Summer '01 she was back in Ireland, with boyfriend in tow. I went out with them that first night back, but it totally killed me. Seeing them as a couple. So I told her I still had feelings for her and found it hard to stay friends with her. She found it hard to accept this. For the next couple of years we were still in contact. Mostly started by her. Texts/Calls late at night. Occasionally we would meet up (just us two) and have a good night out (drink/chat/dance) and go our seperate ways. She always pushed for more contact and wanted us to be friends. I just couldn't do it.

Once (late '01) she phoned me at 5am. I was awake. My father had just been buried that day and I was alone in the house. A late-night drunken call for a bit of a chat turned into a very serious talk about him and I totally bared my soul to her. Telling her stuff I had never said to anyone. It really helped. If she'd not called, it would never have occured to me to tell anyone else. That's the place she made in my life.

Although I was (quietly) pining for her I didn't exactly sit on the shelf. Operating on the assumption that someone else out there must be able to awaken these kind of feelings in me, I went out with a few other women (and even got around to having sex. It's great ). She, meanwhile, left the country again, moved on to a new boyfriend and moved back to Ireland again.

One night (late '03) she called me and asked me to go visit her. I knew what it was. She was pregnant. This was life's final message to me: there was no place for me in her life. She'd have the child, marry the dad and live happily ever after. Without ever really explaining this thought-process to her, I broke off all contact. Left her to her new baby and her new life, and this time she let me do it without protest and we completely drifted apart.

Late in 2006 I called her (after a really bad break-up, when I needed someone who understood that side of me) and we had an amazing night out on the town. She and her child's father were no longer a couple, but she had someone new and was happy. Our chemistry was still in place, however, and we had a lot of fun. Some strangers (drunken English fishermen) joined us briefly and one of them spoken at length about what a lovely couple we were, so rapt in each other's company and so very much in love with one another. He was drunk, and lonely for his wife, but we were entertained and she told him we were engaged and he left very happy indeed.

After that, we stayed out of contact. Six months ago, I decided to "man up" and get in touch. I figured that I missed her more than I loved her, and I should try and set up some kind of contact between us. If she was willing. We organised a night out and had a ball. This time there was no great tragedy in my life to talk about all night, so we just relaxed and had fun.

It turned into a regular once-a-month thing. We have great chemistry. We "click". Our conversations are animated and we make each other laugh and we are never bored or idle. Strangers always assume we are a couple, and my friends (mostly female) tell me that we have this "couple vibe" and she's into me and all. To be honest, I didn't think much of it. She was in a relationship and she didn't talk about it. I assumed it was good. None of my business, off the table and all that. Given my previous strong feelings for her, I didn't want to go prying.

One month ago she told me, in a text, that she was single again. I phoned to hear the gory details. She gave me the run-down. He wanted to buy a house together, she kept putting the brakes on, cos she feared he wasn't "the one". She does want more children, but she's not sure he's the one to do it with. He pushed it and she said it. And they finished. In hindsight, it made sense to me. The writing was on the wall. We didn't really dwell on boyfriend much in our conversations. I knew the house was being talked about, yes, and I knew was unsure about it. There was other stuff, too, but I assumed it was just stuff that couples go though and never bothered joining the dots (Maybe I didn't want to get my hopes up?) When the women in my life are unhappy with boyfriends they will talk for hours about it. I suppose I'm pre-programmed to expect this before a break up. Who knows?

For whatever reason, this break-up really shocked me. And, in the month since it happened our meetings have become more frequent. A couple of nights out, a couple of nights in her place with DVDs, a couple of days shopping for clothes (normally very boring for me, great fun with her). Our text frequency has gone to daily. Multiple texts a day now. But none from her in the middle-of-the-night now, like the old days. Probably cos she's a working single mum.

She's also met a guy who, she tells me, is bad news: a bad boy. He's into minor drugs and she's met him three times and - on Saturday - they kissed and he slept over. Nothing else happened. She says nothing more will happen. Who knows? This whole going after "a bad boy" (her words) isn't her style. She says herself that it's a ridiculous thing to be doing. Drugs aren't her style either. When I met her, her mates were all into that scene, but she stayed clear. Now suddenly, she's all excited by it.

The previous Saturday, when we were out, I told her exactly how I feel about her. For the first time since our six-week relationship all those years ago. That was at 8pm. By 3am we were both too drunk to think straight so nothing more came of it. I really don't remember the end of the night, but I know we had a blast. Again.

Last night I was at her place again for another DVD and a few beers. I wound up saying a few things again about how I feel for her. This morning (before she dragged me on a hilarious five-mile walk in the rain) we had the famous "just friends" chat. She thinks I have her "in a bubble" (whatever that means) and that if I knew about her, I wouldn't like her. She thinks that I can't see her flaws ("and I have loads" she says to me) and she thinks I'm over-protective of her. However, when I ask her does she want me to stop being "over-protective" she thinks and says no. She has assumed that I was no longer in love with her and can't understand why I'm not over her by now. She says she knows I would put her before my friends or any other committment and she feels that she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. She feels bad that I see her as something really special. She comments on the times she's noticed me giving her "this look" of open adoration or lust or whatever. She just doesn't understand it.

Bottom line: she says she sees me a friend.

So is that it? Do I give up hope? Am I a victim of the classic "nice guy loses to bad boy" story? Is it that simple? Is it because I've spent so long hiding my sexual side from her, that now she can't handle it when it appears now in the form of compliments? Is this "bad boy" thing just a phase? Should I sit it out keep hoping? Is it all just a minor hiccup in her long-term relationship? Will she be back with the boyfriend within a month? Moving into a house with him by Christmas?

I know enough about her three ex's to see them as being similar. They share a lot of the same bad-boyfriend traits. Traits I don't have. In fact, I'm the opposite. Male logic would indicate that she should try someone like me next time, but female logic would seem to indicate that will just repeat the pattern. What's that about?

Does our chemistry count for nothing? She seems perfectly content to stay in my company for 24 hour spells (I'm well liked, yes, but none of my friends are willing to spend that much time with me regularly ) I noticed last week, for the first time ever, that when we were out she wanted my attention and got pissed off when I moved away to chat to a male friend. I realised fast (after he tipped me off) and kept my focus on her. She's interesting, so it's not a problem! When she talks, she tells me everything about her family, her job, her life in most respects. When I talk about the same, she is always curious and full of questions. She wants to know it all. And she remembers it from meeting to meeting and asks follow up questions. I've told her my secrets. We completely trust one another. And, it's a fifty/fifty thing. My best friend's boyfriend (who I don't know very well) met us out and told my best friend we were a great couple (!!). I only got around to telling him on Sunday that we are not, in fact, a couple. We just look like one.

So many of my friends (female) have stayed with guys for years, while complaining that (a) they never get compliments, (b) they are ignored in favour of youtube/tv/playstation, (c) they were cheated on, (d) they can't get him to go to weddings/cinema/family stuff. So, in my experience of life, women will always hang on in there when the guy in their life treats them badly.

Meanwhile, I'm perceived a nice guy and I have no luck. To be honest, I've ended most of my relationships but I still count that as having no luck in love. I'm certainly not a bad boy, but I've a dominant personality and I'm not boring. I'm adventurous in most respects. A couple of my ex's were articulate in expressing how pleased they were with sexual matters, so I've a pretty good confidence about all that stuff (even though I came late to the game). I'm not a wimp, but I do like to give compliments and pay attention to the woman I'm with. I would never cheat and I'm more than happy to trundle along to family events of all shapes and sizes.

My biggest failing with past relationships was remaining closed off from my partners. But that would never be an issue with her. I already trust her. I also don't want to hide stuff away from her (the way I did with ex's). She's the only person in my life who knows that my first book is coming out shortly. I want to surprise everyone else, but I told her all about it from the start. The dedication is to her, and it's about how I love telling her my secrets.

That the place she has in my life, but - as of this morning - I know she sees me as "a friend".

Is that it? Is it time to forget it?