Ex Girlfriend cheated on me, but doesnt know that I know about it

LegacyUser · 11-08-2008 06:49PM #1

Ill try keep this short. I need peoples opinions on this and cant talk to my friends or family because theres too much to it.

OK, my girlfriend recently went on a girls holiday for 2 weeks. She was having financial trouble so I let her borrow around €800 from me to go (which she has repayed). Anyway, the day she got back she broke up with me with a text message and some nasty comments. The relationship was fairly rocky at this point though and Id be lying if I said I didnt see a break-up coming (although not in that manner).

Anyway, I recently found out that she cheated on me while there with some fella who lives in her town. I had strongly suspected this as well. Shes also been in contact with him since she got back but apparantly he isnt too interested.

Heres the problems;

1) I found out about this because a fwe months ago she had been out of town and had me check her emails. I wrote down her username and password for her account and a while ago I found it again, and curiousity and suspicion got the best of me and I opened her account and I was proven correct. She had an email in it she had sent saying how she cheated on me and all that. So if I bring this up with her she'll probably know I accessed her emails, which I wouldnt want because shes been going around acting like a victim this whole time about the break up because apparantly only 1 or 2 of her friends know she cheated on me.

2) *Sigh* This is the big one for me (and this is the reason Im not actually that angry she cheated)... I cheated on her too while she was away because I was pissed off with her over something and ended up kissing some random woman in a night club. Nobody knows about this. I really believe in the mantra of "what goes around comes around" and "you reap what you sow", which is why I thought I should leave this whole thing alone and not bring it up with her; we both cheated on each other because we both knew the relationship was in bits so it balanced out in a way, only difference is, I know she cheated on me.

After I kissed that girl in the night club I felt absolutely horrible, never been more ashamed of myself and instantly regretted it and felt like an absolute scumbag for doing it, her however didnt feel like that at all, she actually stayed in contact with him. And as I said, since she broke up with me shes been acting like some poor victim who had to break up with me, when the truth is it was largely motivated by her wanting to pursue things with this guy from her holiday.

Anyway, for the above reasons I cant discuss this with friends or family, so I need advice or opinions from others. I kinda want to confront her over it just so she knows that I know and she can drop the righteous-indignation act, but another large part of me is saying that this was all balanced in the end; she cheated on me, but I did on her too so I cant complain, and I only found out for certain by looking at her emails.....

Any input is appreciated, and Im sorry for the lenght of the post, I tried to keep it short

MagicMarker · 11-08-2008 08:02PM

My advice is to keep schtum until you get your money back and then leave.

Flamed Diving · 11-08-2008 08:04PM

I'm in a similar boat actually, I recently found out that my ex was cheating on me and in fact dumped me to go to him. I dont feel the need to confront her about it though, because I would only say horrible things which would only upset me further. Best to leave it be and move on. Plenty more fish, etc.

uberwolf · 11-08-2008 08:10PM

well now you know why she's your ex. The end.

Just leave it

i71jskz5xu42pb · 11-08-2008 08:14PM

Build a bridge and get over it.

pookie82 · 11-08-2008 08:17PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

My advice is to keep schtum until you get your money back and then leave.

She's paid him back.

Op I don't really see the point of you telling her you know, but you maintain that it's to force her to abandon her self righteous act. So why not just say it out. Admit that you checked her e-mails and that you were wrong to, but that you were horrified with what you found and you feel that she should drop the woe-is-me act. While you're at it though you might want to come clean yourself. These things have a way of coming back and biting you in the ass no matter how much you think you've hidden them.

Then I'd draw a line under the whole thing and forget about it, and each other. It sounds like the relationship is well and truly over.

AARRRGH · 11-08-2008 08:27PM

uberwolf wrote: »

well now you know why she's your ex. The end.

Just leave it

I agree.

I understand you are angry and you probably want to hurt her or feel you have regained some power over the breakup/her, but you cheated too so should probably just move on with your life.

This is going to sound mega retarded, but sometimes when I'm faced with difficult decisions like this I think (btw, I'm not religious) what would Jesus do? I'm not sure about you, but I try to do the right thing. I fail a lot, but I try

Flamed Diving · 11-08-2008 08:31PM

AARRRGH wrote: »

what would Jesus do?

Forgive her?

AARRRGH · 11-08-2008 08:34PM

Flamed Diving wrote: »

Forgive her?

I think he would have accepted her faults, just like he had faults of his own, and wished her happiness in her life.

/I never said it was gonna be easy

Gary ITR · 11-08-2008 08:48PM

Leave it be. It'll only open a can of worms. Unless you are looking to reconcile with her, which by the sounds of it isn't going to happen

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2371/2153560882_e6c595352f.jpg

Susannahmia · 11-08-2008 08:50PM

Internok75 wrote: »

I kinda want to confront her over it just so she knows that I know and she can drop the righteous-indignation act, but another large part of me is saying that this was all balanced in the end; she cheated on me, but I did on her too so I cant complain, and I only found out for certain by looking at her emails.....

Any input is appreciated, and Im sorry for the lenght of the post, I tried to keep it short

I was in kind of a a similar situation a while back op. After me and my ex of three years broke up I found out that he was a serial cheater and had done some really messed up stuff to exes in the past.

I felt very foolish at first and wanted to confront him over it. Like your ex he likes to play the good guy. But than I sat down and asked myself, "what would it accomplish really"? It would change nothing and would have stirred everything up again. I just decided that the past was the past and focused on moving on and removing him completely from my life. Two months on now he is out of my mind and life and I wouldn't be at all arsed confronting him or having anything to do with him again.

abitlonely · 11-08-2008 09:08PM

Bad boy checking her emails, I wouldn't give her any clues you did that.
I don't think any good can come of bringing this up and hopefully you'll
soon have her out of your life.

[Jackass] · 11-08-2008 09:16PM

Nothing to gain by fighting this battle my friend. Especially since the war is over.

You will only come out of it looking bitter and obsessed. If anything, it'll give her more ammo in the propoganda side of things. (I'm also wondering why I'm using war analagies - but seems to fit

)

WithCheesePlease · 11-08-2008 09:32PM

Leave it go. Easy to say and hard to do, but seriously I know the situation and any more talk, especially confrontation won't lead to any good.

Just walk away.

davyjose · 11-08-2008 10:10PM

You'll be the loser if you make any comments to her - the one who couldn't get over it, and that'll make her feel great. It's difficult to let go, but at least you get to sort out any personal issues you might have, and find someone better than her.

Best of luck.

Karen_* · 11-08-2008 10:36PM

AARRRGH wrote: »

I think he would have accepted her faults, just like he had faults of his own, and wished her happiness in her life.

/I never said it was gonna be easy

that is probably the best bit of advice ever, but not easy!

OP why not just leave it? the relationship is over, you both cheated and you've got your money back. And no cheating in the future since you know how it feels for the boot to be on the other foot.

estar · 11-08-2008 11:32PM

it obviously didnt work and you didnt make each other happy

the most surprising thing for you to do and disconcerting would
be to tell her that if and when the opportunity arises, and to let
it be known thats how you feel.

dont lower yourself into the drama of a he said she said debate.

rather trust people to see her for what she is.

immature and silly.

why hang onto something when you were so willing to cheat on it anyway?

LegacyUser · 12-08-2008 04:24AM

Hi everyone. Im the OP of this thread.

It looks as though the advice is fairly unanimous, and its what I was expecting to hear to be honest. As I said I amnt that angry at all she cheated since I cheated too, I was getting what I had coming to me and deserved it, so I can accpet that. I just hate her playing the sweet innocent girl who did no wrong either... I didnt even want to be confrontational and arrgumentitive over it, I just wanted her to know that I knew.

I shall leave it be then. Karma would just kick me in the ass down the line anyway if I told her I knew about it but didnt confess on my shameful act.

And to Karen*, like I said, I never felt more ashamed or full of hate for myself than after I kissed that other girl. No amount of anger at my ex over anything couldve justified what I did in my mind afterwards so I definitely wont do anything of the sort again.

Oh, suppose I should mention that we only broke up a few weeks ago and I only found out for certain she cheated a few days ago.

Thanks for all the input, appreciate it

MIN2511 · 12-08-2008 04:45AM

Anger, disappointment and maybe a bit of retaliation made you vent in PI, there is no need to think much or lose sleep over it.

There's another reason for you why she would always remain the ex

minidazzler · 12-08-2008 05:29AM

If one of her friends starts getting nasty at you because your ex is upset then bring up her cheating. Admit nothing and cut ties.

She (from what I gather) Rode yer man? You only kissed a girl. ADMIT NOTHING!!!

Not the Email, not your "cheating". I am assuming ye are fairly young? That is why I give this advice because IMO, "Relationships" Before around 23 are just messing about really after that it should be taken seriously.

MIN2511 · 12-08-2008 05:39AM

minidazzler wrote: »

If one of her friends starts getting nasty at you because your ex is upset then bring up her cheating. .

Thats childish, no need to resort to this

.

Admit nothing and cut ties..

I assume he already has... Some people are ex for a reason! While i understand that some people(myself included) can be mates with their ex i don't see the need for them to be friends... Not now maybe later

She (from what I gather) Rode yer man? You only kissed a girl. ADMIT NOTHING!!!

Dunno about that now.... I dont really consider kissing as cheating but...

I am assuming ye are fairly young? That is why I give this advice because IMO, "Relationships" Before around 23 are just messing about really after that it should be taken seriously.

I agree with some of this... relationships work for some people at different ages, it all depends on the mindframe of the individuals... Some 40yr olds act like toddlers and vice versa

OP; its over, let it go and MOVE ON!

SoupyNorman · 12-08-2008 05:39AM

Man, women have 'Acting the Victim' to a T. The vibes from your post seem to indicate the thing thats really bothering you is what other people think of you (Friends/Family e.t.c).

Firstly, blood is thicker then water so you dont need to worry about your family. Second, your friends wont look down upon you I'm sure so whos left to worry about??? Her friends and family!!

Break-ups rarely run smooth, seems like yours went OK-ish. If you started dragging up the dirt then you will defiantly come off the worse. Dont let her consume your thoughts everyday and she'll be forgotten soon enough.

greatgoal · 12-08-2008 06:18AM

jaysus man,she broke up with you through a text message,lowest of the low imo,couldnt even face you to tell you,get on with life ffs and get out there and start enjoying yourself,best thing that ever happened as she showed her true colours sooner rather than later.

Sugar Drunk · 12-08-2008 10:04AM

leave it be. you kissed another woman. she most likely went a lor further than that with the guy on hols and stayed in contact which IMO is far worse than a kiss with a stranger. Your well shot of her so its prob for the best that you know what she did so you wont be tempted to go back.

dont say a word to her that you know. if shes already playing the victim she will only get worse if she can also say that you checked her emails behind her back

Dixie Chick · 12-08-2008 10:07AM

If she is acting teh victim so what?? really, its no ones business but yeir own what happened between ye and people will soon tire of her cribbing. and if her friends are nasty to you, so what? Draw a line under it all and move on.

Overheal · 12-08-2008 10:14AM

Aye, drop it. Karma being what it is. But armed with this information that youre both cheating on eachother - it sounds like you're both quite done with that relationship.

Aurora Borealis · 12-08-2008 10:55AM

I found out after breaking up with a former partner that they had cheated on me numerous occassions which really f&*(ked me over as they had put me through the ringer for months for even hanging out with a former flame and all the while had been getting their rocks off else where. Ate me up for ages when I found out and I went through a terrible time. I was feeling so guilty about having hurt him by being with a friend of his months after we split that my feelings kept swinging back and forth between anger and disbelief that he could have disrespected what I thought we had, to sorrow and regret at how things had turned out. Holding on to either emotions is only holding on to the past. Who cares if she plays the victim, she knows herself what she did and you know what you did and what's right and wrong. Let it go and next time round get out of the relationship well before it gets to that stage.

faceman · 12-08-2008 11:10AM

Nothing to confront her on here OP, its no longer a relationship. Just make sure you get your money back from her pronto.

StormWarrior · 12-08-2008 11:53AM

You both cheated on each other. You're not together any more. Get your money back and get over it.

tonyinuae · 12-08-2008 11:54AM

Seems to me she had already pretty much broken up with you before she left on vacation, she just didn't want to scupper her chances of borrowing the dosh.

Kissing a girl, while kind of cheating emotionally, is nothing to what she did, and it sounds as though your moral standards/sense of what's fair is a lot better than hers.

Why is it so important that you appear to her to be the injured party and not vice versa? At this stage, who really cares what distorted view she takes of the affair? She should be grateful to you for lending her money, money she then used to cheat on you. If she can't be woman enough to step up to the plate, then you really are well rid of her.

I am sure that even in these few days since the break up, you are already getting over her. Who needs that kind of dishonesty in their life?

John Mason · 12-08-2008 01:51PM

Why would you want to say anything to her?

Sure you have split up, so just move on with your life

Ex Girlfriend cheated on me, but doesnt know that I know about it

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