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Girlfriend is nearly asexual: what's wrong??

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Comments

  • #32
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    "One theory at the back of my mind is that she's just lonely and wants to be able to say she's a boyfriend."

    Exactly OP, thats all it is and thats why she "fights" for it when she sees you are going to drop her.

    Take it from a woman, this girl is messing you around BIG TIME and it is really a shame because you sound like a decent person and instead of being messed around by this one you should be being appreciated by a girl who would treat you properly.

    You are sending her gifts and doing everything her way, thats not the way a relationship works, she should not be allowed to dictate all the terms, she is really being cheeky, well more than cheeky, outright selfish and using you OP, i dont doubt she thinks you are a lovely person but she should be ripping your clothes off not treating you this way, its mean and immature.

    And by the way, the pill is only 12 euro for a three month packet and no different over in the States so she outright lied to you there.....

    What else is she lying about......


  • #33
    axer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭axer


    reallyworried wrote: »
    She does have Crohn's Disease, and takes a drug called remicade, but not very often. I don't think it affects the libido.
    Her condition alone can effect her libido. See here for more.

    I think it is a difficult situation you are in.

    It suits her at the moment because you cannot "hassle" her for sex when she is away and she gets her emotional needs satisfied by you still.

    How long more will she be away? Why is she away? Is it just a J1 or something?


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    axer wrote: »
    Her condition alone can effect her libido. See here for more.

    I think it is a difficult situation you are in.

    It suits her at the moment because you cannot "hassle" her for sex when she is away and she gets her emotional needs satisfied by you still.

    How long more will she be away? Why is she away? Is it just a J1 or something?

    Thanks for that. I've just emailed her the link. She's away long term - very long term actually. She's American and from a small town in a rural southern state. I'm about to do a 4 year postgraduate programme here in Ireland and I agreed to a long distance relationship provided we see each other twice per year at the bare minimum. September will be the first time I travel to America to see her. She'll be at college in New England, so I won't have to meet her parents and I'll be staying with her in her room. She has no room-mates.

    She will finish her degree next May. Initially we'd hoped that she would come back to Ireland to do an MA or simply to take a year out, but, for financial reasons which I totally understand, she can't do that now. So we're looking at a longterm scenario here. I have said that after I finish my postgraduate course I'd be happy to relocate to America to be with her. This isn't totally selfless on my part, as job oportunities will be better for me in the States anyway. In the meantime she plans on going to Law School, whic will take 2 years. The problem with an American law degree is that it's useless in Europe.

    Her attitude to a return visit next summer is very non-committal. I've even offered to pay for half her ticket, and she still won't promise me to come over. She says she'll "do her best", but said it in such a way that she has lots of wriggle room to back out over any number of reasons. To me it would be the final straw is she didn't return my visit to her. In my view, if you want something to happen, you make it happen - especially something as basic as a flight that your other half is offering to half pay for! She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept. Also, she had originally agreed to this condition of mine; but now, like her promise to go on the pill, she seems set to renege.

    Thing is, I love her.


  • #35
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Really worried, the more I read your posts the worse I feel for you, looking at it objectively, Im sorry but I dont think this girl feels the same way about you as you do about her....

    You seem very kind and patient but my God, she is taking you for a ...I was going to say ride, but she is not really even doing that...:o

    I sense that you know that deep down but are not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but you need to start listening to that little voice in your head that has doubts because its speaking the truth.

    Im sure you will come to a decision in your own time, but remember you only get one life and its short.

    "She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept."

    This statement if she did say it shows quite a manipulative streak in her, everything she doesnt want to do she doesnt do but she twists the "blame" back onto you, sort of inferring that you are somehow being unreasonable, demanding, pressuring her etc

    Anyway OP, I hope you work it out, if her illness is stopping her from having a libido, well then do you think you could live that way.....because it seems she wants to stick to things as they are. This involves you making all the sacrifices and her pretty much suiting herself.

    As you said you do love her but I think as soon as the scales fall from your eyes you will see the current situation is totally unacceptable.


  • #36
    trio
    Closed Accounts Posts: 494 ✭✭trio


    I'm fairly appalled that she hasn't told her parents about you. That's bad, man.

    So basically you're going to go over in September, she's going to be all hot and cold, she's going to be keeping you at arms length once you return....

    And you're thinking of breaking up with her if she doesn't return the visit in Summer 2009? You're going to have a year of complete head-wreckingness? Christ, even the Dalai Lama doesn't have as much patience as you!

    Look, she's not going to come over in 2009. She probably knows that already. If she doesn't have enough money for a bloody phone call, she's not going to have enough money to come over to Ireland to see a boyfriend she's pretty happy just IMing.

    You have a very expensive friendship, that's what this is. And a friendship that is making you insecure, under confident and miserable. This is not a relationship in any way shape or form.

    You have to end the farce of pretending that this is a romantic relationship, and just downgrade to Facebook buddies. She seems to be quite happy with that anyway in practise, if not in theory (and yes, that's just because she wants "a boyfriend" in name without having to have a relationship)

    Bottom line - even if she has a low libido connected to Crohns disease, it doesn't really explain keeping the top on during sex, and it certainly doesn't explain how crappily she's been treating you and your supposed relationship. She's barely a friend to you at the moment. She may be good company in person, but she's one hell of a crappy friend long distance.


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  • #37
    Jackovarian
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 344 ✭✭Jackovarian


    ok, i just want to say, disregard my post from earlier in this thread.

    ive been here too! for two years! bad bad situation. all i can say is, forget her, sounds harsh, dump her ass.

    this isn't really a problem. logically, if you did live together or near each other you wouldn't still be going out. its just that its easy and mystical due to the long distance.

    basically, cut you losses, go out and get a new girlfriend! i'm sure theres plenty of american guys for her.

    its very obvious shes wrecking your head!

    by the way, my issue, was all with the same girl, and after we split, we became great friends, and realised that the relationship was a joke and we were far more compatible as friends.

    LONG DISTANCE NEVER WORKS!!! GO GET A NORMAL NON-HEADWRECKING GIRLFRIEND,if they actually do exist lol!
    AND CONTRARY TO COMMON BELIEF "LOVE" CAN BE REPLACED!

    dump her due to the fact that she isn't putting any effort into the relationship. come back here in 2 days and tell us your not feeling better!

    oh yeah, if you cant do that, you need to reach deep down and see,
    ARE YOUR BALLS STILL ATTACHED! LOL


  • #38
    axer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭axer


    Jackovarian wrote: »
    LONG DISTANCE NEVER WORKS!!!
    It depends what you mean by this. Long distance long term is extremely tough but some people live with long distance for a year or two no problems. It can actually strengthen relationships in that the people appreciate each other more.

    OP: I would agree though that this is a bad situation for you that you should get out of. The heart should not always come first - you have to be both realistic and logical to some extent sometimes.

    If I told you that story as if it were mine what would you suggest I do?


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SpookyDoll wrote: »

    "She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept."

    This statement if she did say it shows quite a manipulative streak in her, everything she doesnt want to do she doesnt do but she twists the "blame" back onto you, sort of inferring that you are somehow being unreasonable, demanding, pressuring her etc

    It's not the first time she's said something along those lines either. About a month ago when I tried to address the sex issue, I basically said that much as I loved her, I wasn't willing to be in a sexless relationship. She said then that she would have sex, but only if I promised to never say that again. She asked why I couldn't love her unconditionally, and that by me making such a statement, I was suggesting that sex was my foremost concer. I agreed that I wouldn't say that again, but privately it's still very much how I feel. Even last week she said that she's a little nervous about my visit because she's afraid "sex will be the most important thing for me, and [she's] not ready". I just replied by saying "it won't be, and it's not", which it isn't. But still, it is pretty important!

    Just one point about her not telling her family about me: she is black, and I'm white. This isn't an issue for me, but it would be slightly with her family, who are also Baptists while I was raised a Catholic. She did say that she'd rather just bring me to them, to their house, but that's highly improbable. So now that plan is that I'm to ring her house when I know she's not there and ask for her. Her mother will answer the phone, ask who I am, and I'll have to take it from there. It's highly unorthodox, but I'll just be glad that they know about me, because then it'll show that I'm not totally more invested in the relationship than she is. When she gets home later, she'll face a (not necessarily hostile) inquisition, and she'll tell them all about me.

    Thanks for all the tips guys. I really appreciate it. Please keep them coming. I had a great chat with her on the phone last night. I really think that more phonecalls are helping. I sometimes think that she's just immature and socially inept, and that that explains a lot. But then I think of the "manipulative streak" that SpookyDoll mentioned, and which I know exists. I'm in a quandry here.


  • #40
    nomorebadtown
    Closed Accounts Posts: 634 ✭✭✭nomorebadtown


    You love her.
    She says she loves you.

    ...And yet she says she wouldn't be overly devastated if you didn't make it over to the States to see her even though you will only see eachother twice a year!!!???!

    Sorry man but she does not love you. There is just no way she can love you if you not getting over there to see her doesn't completely crush her....And when/if you do get over to see her, the probability is she won't hop on you right there in the arrivals hall...OP in all honestly I think you are deluding yourself. I'm a young man like yourself and there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I could carry on a relationship like this. As others have said, this girl has huge problems with sex and adult relationships as a whole and these are problems that you can do nothing to remedy.

    My advice? Life is short. Too short for this kind of carry on. Get out now.

    Good luck to you, Sir.


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    This struck me:
    I don't know if you should dump someone over lack of sex, but I'm afraid that she's not being honest with me and sees me as more of a friend than anything else, even though she bitterly rejects this and says if we split up she'll never speak to me again.

    She says if you split up she will never speak to you again, so basically if you dont do what she says, agree to carry on with this ridiculous charade she will punish you by never speaking to you again??? .........pffffftt !!!

    So what will you have lost? Not much, just someone who clearly has no respect for you anyway. She seems like she enjoys rejecting you and pulling all the strings and she doesn't seem to appreciate that her expectations are absolutely outrageous!!!

    You are putting up with this impossible situation because you "love her" -well, love is not supposed to be 100% pain and difficulty like this. If you make this work out I will seriously eat my hat!

    Move on OP and dont waste any more time on this selfish little user.


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  • #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    nomorebadtown wrote: »
    You love her.
    She says she loves you.

    ...And yet she says she wouldn't be overly devastated if you didn't make it over to the States to see her even though you will only see eachother twice a year!!!???!

    Sorry man but she does not love you. There is just no way she can love you if you not getting over there to see her doesn't completely crush her....And when/if you do get over to see her, the probability is she won't hop on you right there in the arrivals hall...OP in all honestly I think you are deluding yourself. I'm a young man like yourself and there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I could carry on a relationship like this. As others have said, this girl has huge problems with sex and adult relationships as a whole and these are problems that you can do nothing to remedy.

    My advice? Life is short. Too short for this kind of carry on. Get out now.

    Good luck to you, Sir.

    Thank you. You're saying what most people are saying here, and also what I'm thinking myself.

    I've paid 600 euro for my flight over, and I won't get a refund (I've checked with the airline). I don't know if I should cut my losses and just not go, or go and see how it goes and break up afterwards if I'm still unhappy. At least if I went, I'd know I'd done absolutely everything. If I cancel, I might regret not at least going.

    As I said, I'm 25. She is my first "proper" girlfriend, and things seemed to be going so well while she was here. It was perfect. I had wanted to break up when she left Ireland -- to end it amicably on a high note, as I didn't think we were strong enough to survive long term after just a few months of being together. But she convinced me otherwise. I also thought that "long-distance" isn't necessarily the death-knell for relationships that it used to be, what with skype and broadband and cheap flights and all. I also thought about people serving in the army, or seamen, as people who have to have long distance relationships, and who seem to be able to make them work.

    But you guys are right: she's not making an effort, and really has no excuses. The question now is, do I cut my losses and cancel my ticket, or do I go over there and give it one last shot?


  • #43
    mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,063 ✭✭✭mountain


    OP,

    as was once pointed out to me, a relationship like this..

    "is like banging your head off a brick wall, it feels great when you stop"


  • #44
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    reallyworried wrote: »
    She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept. Also, she had originally agreed to this condition of mine; but now, like her promise to go on the pill, she seems set to renege.

    Thing is, I love her.

    I'm sorry man, but it sounds to me like she WANTS you to dump her. She doesn't love you, but she's too cowardly to tell you.

    I think you need to wake up! You need to forget about this girl. If you keep this until next summer then you're just going to be even more heartbroken when the inevitable happens.


  • #45
    4Xcut
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,248 ✭✭✭4Xcut


    You have till september so you can try and do one of 2 things:

    1)try to sell the ticket and see if the airline will allow you to change details(may only be a small fee for this - better than loosing 600)

    2)try to get someone to go with you and go on the tear for a few days.


  • #46
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Ah ReallyWorried, funny I was reading back over your posts and was wondering to myself if this was your first relationship, and as it turns out it is....ahhh I feel a little bit sad to hear that, but also it makes more sense, you see as you get a little bit more experience you will realise you are really selling yourself short and love should never feel this difficult.

    You are doing everything right but you are just giving too much, you cannot do the work of two people in the relationship if you know what I mean. She has not pulled her weight and I dont think she is going to.

    When she asked why you couldn't love her unconditionally, you really should have returned the question back at her, why cant SHE love YOU unconditionally, sexuality is part of you and she is demanding that you sacrifice that without question. So she wants your perfect obedience, do you see what I mean, it is very unfair and hypocritical.

    I dont think you should bother going over, its such a pity the money is lost I know, but if you learn from this well then crazy as it sounds it will have been worthwhile.

    It can be very confusing alright when you are in the middle of this with all the mixed messages and everything, but I think you can see her intentions are not in your best interests. I think she has an extremely underdeveloped sense of relationships, she expects ridiculous levels of sacrifice on your behalf and gives back nothing in return, she has a rude awakening ahead of her Im afraid.

    Anyway, I really hope you meet a nice girl who deserves you and you put this debacle behind you.

    Let her stamp her foot all she likes ReallyWorried but at the end of the day what man would put up with her selfishness, you definitely shouldnt!


  • #47
    Dixie Chick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Dixie Chick


    To the OP, you seem a really nice sound guy and there is nowhere in any of your posts that you seem OTT in what you are asking your gf to do. But the thing is at the end of the day, you shouldnt have to ask her to do anything, she should want to do it with you. You have been more than understanding with her. I think her excuses re the Pill and stuff, and her not giving you a landline number is very disrespectful of you as you have been so open with her. I think seeing as you have paid for the trip to the states that you should go, cos if it does come to it that ye should break up then its better to be done face to face and not via the internet


  • #48
    Jackovarian
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 344 ✭✭Jackovarian


    and seriously dude, if you are still at this moment in time considering yours as a valid relationship then not alone is she unfixable, you are too.

    because she may have problems, but as somebody already said you are totally facilitating this kind of behavior.

    also, nobody here knows who you are or anything. but given that this is your first real girlfriend, that you are 25, and it doesn't seem that your a bit of a lad, it would seem to me that you are the kind of person that thinks your lucky to actually have a girlfriend!

    in fairness, shane macgowan has a girlfriend! so theres hope for anybody! DUMP HER! waste of time, money, and good old thought.
    yes, its hard for a lot of people to meet new people, especially love interests. but that doesn't mean you should fool yourself into thinking your in love with the first person you meet!

    anyways, im sick of giving you advice, as far as i'm concerned you already know what you have to do, and your just trying to buy some time. it just takes one phone call, or as i would suggest in this case, an email.

    that not a girlfriend you have man. girlfriends are fun, cool, and most of all, they dont treat you like an f'ing animal. at least not for a few years! lol.

    good luck.

    ohh yeah, sex is a big issue to most people! just that they pretend its not for some bloody reason! its a part of a healthy relationship. stop lying to yourself.
    600 for a ticket! twice per year! ha! i could think of a lot of better things to do with that kind of money! i sure a trip to amsterdam would be on the cards. at least your guaranteed sex there!


  • #49
    gabigeist
    Closed Accounts Posts: 121 ✭✭gabigeist


    reallyworried wrote: »
    I've been with my girlfriend since late April.

    Did I read somewhere else that she went back to the U.S. on June 1st? 4-5 weeks? Was never a relationship in my book.

    As I see it. You weren't well suited but with her heading home anyway, you made do. June 1st was the time to say goodbye but you both took the easy option.

    Now that she's away the far-away-hills-are-greener glasses are on. Cut your losses as the trip will be an awkward disaster. If you are VERY good mates, you could ring her, dump her, and then suggest visiting as a friend but this is likely to be a howler also


  • #50
    asexualgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭asexualgirl


    You need to learn about asexuality. Your girlfriend sound just like me. Visit www.asexuality.org, and ignore the terrible replys from Coca85.


  • #51
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Thread is 5 months old.

    Locked.


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