Girlfriend is nearly asexual: what's wrong??

LegacyUser

I've been with my girlfriend since late April. She's 21 and I'm 25. When we started going out, I learned that she'd barely ever been with a man in any sense before. She'd only been kissed once, and had never really been in male company (no brothers or father even, and never had a boyfriend before)

She was very nervous about the physical aspect of relationships early on, but I reassurred her and we kissed. She had a lot of physical hangups but we slowly got through them and eventually we had sex. She wanted it. She still, however, has a lot of hangups about sex. For example, she doesn't like me to see her naked, she won't take her top off during sex etc, and she insists that she needs only one orgasm per week, if even. She considers my need for at least one orgasm per day bizarre and excessive, and she hates foreplay. She will kiss and cuddle like crazy, but she doesn't like it if, during make out sessions, I touch her breast, for example. She usually doesn't want me to touch her vagina, or to go down on her, and insists that she's just never really aroused: when she is, she just wants me to have intercourse immediately, with no foreplay.

I end up having to masturbate a lot. She doesn't mind, and I do it in front of her. Sometimes she does it for me, but usually she has a sort of barely tolerant attitude to my penis. It often seems to annoy her.

Now, we have a great relationship outside of the sex department, which is what worries me. It seems sometimes that she's asexual almost. She doesn't like it when I tell her how beautiful she is, for example; she much prefers it when I call her smart. She says that the emotional attachment is paramount for her, that she's just not a sexual person, and that she's not arroused by anyone, so I shouldn't worry. Thing is, I am worried - and very frustrated. I have discussed all this at length with her, but she won't change. We're having a long distance relationship now, and she never says she misses me physically. We've never flirted, and never had phone sex. Don't get me wrong, it's not all I'm interested in. I talk at length with her about lots of things, and enjoy it, as I love her, and she says she loves me. But sex seems to be a forbidden topic.

It worries me that she's reverted now to a completely asexual viewpoint. This eveing she got annoyed when I told her she was beautiful. I'm visiting her in September and seeing her for the first time since June, and I'm worried that she won't want any physical intimacy beyond kissing and cuddling. I want a fully engaged, well rounded adult relationship that satisfies my physical and emotional needs, and I'm afraid I won't get it. I do my best to assure her in many ways that I'm not just interested in sex, but she doesn't seem convinced, even though I'm in a committed long distance relationship with her, one that's maintained through conversation and email only -- no flirting. I've taken her away for weekends, sent her gifts, wrote her extremely long emails chatting about things she likes without mentioning sex at all, but she still seems cold to any idea of physical intimacy. I'm afraid the passion is rapidly going out of our relationship, but she remains deeply disinterested in, and disturbed by my desire for, sex. I've tried to explain to her that sex is important and emotionally meaningful for me, but to very limited avail. Sometimes she says she's "not ready", but then whimsically changes her mind the odd time. It's very hot and cold. I'm 25 and I could ideally do without this hassle. I know she's young, but her attitude to sex (and nakedness/foreplay/male anatomy in general) is almost asexual and childlike sometimes. I do love her and I don't know what to do. (I did ask her once if she'd had any "bad" sexual experiences before, and she says no, just that she has a tiny libido.

Please help. I don't want to lose this girl, but she has so many hang ups I don't know what I can do.

Weidii

Is it possible she's gay?

Miss Fluff

Does she masturbate at all do you know? How does she achieve one orgasm a week if there is absolutely no foreplay or touching at all? Does she do this herself or claims it to be achieved through lovemaking? I'm sorry to shatter your world even further here OP, but I'd question whether she orgasms at all, not a good cycle to get into of faking it, very hard to turn around then and ask for one but I would take her claim that she does with a pinch of salt when your sexual contact is so minimal.

Is she from a very religious background or something? If it's not a medical condition what do you personally think is behind it all OP?

coco85

Hi OP,

From what you have told us the follwing is possible:

1) She has a fear of getting pregnant(is she on the pill?)

2)May have issues with men in general. Was her mother betrayed by her father? (seeing as she did not grow up with a father/father figure in her life) She may be terrified of being hurt.

3)She is obviously sexually inexperienced and being a younger girl with an experienced older man may intimidate her. She might not feel comfortable exploring her sexual side due to fear of embarrassment???..doing something 'wrong'??

4)She obviously has issues with her image..and you telling her she is beautiful is the best thing you can do to help boost her self confidence... many girls who are sexually inexperienced girls will definitly have issues with men 'going down' on them..(i know the first time a guy went down on me i was petrified.. was worried if i looked 'normal' down there..ect)

5)Her lack of flirting etc really highlights her immaturuty.. strange really.. how did ye even get together??(rhetorical question-you don't have to tell us!!!)

6) As for her low sex drive.. this is an excuse she is making to avoid sexual contact.. She just hasn't discovered the sexual side of herself! BEWARE once she lets loose you may have the opposite prob...too much sex!!!!

7)Her going hot and cold on the matter only highlights her sexual inexperience/immaturity.. she is just waiting to be let loose but is possibly terrified!!..

8)You mastrubating in front of her cannot be doing anything for her self confidence.. a guy did that in front of me once when i would not 'put out' as he used to say..(i was worn out from it at the time!!) It really did nothing for my self confidence/made me feel like sex object(i know f***** up but i wondered if he was only with me for the sex- i was right!!)

As for what you can do i have no idea.. give her time.....take her on a shopping trip to Ann Summers?.. get her a vibrator that ye can use together..and so she can use on her own to help her explore and find those feelings herself..once she realises how good it can be with a mechanical thing she will understand that it can be so much better with the real thing!

Best of luck..

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Does she masturbate at all do you know? How does she achieve one orgasm a week if there is absolutely no foreplay or touching at all? Does she do this herself or claims it to be achieved through lovemaking? I'm sorry to shatter your world even further here OP, but I'd question whether she orgasms at all, not a good cycle to get into of faking it, very hard to turn around then and ask for one but I would take her claim that she does with a pinch of salt when your sexual contact is so minimal.

Is she from a very religious background or something? If it's not a medical condition what do you personally think is behind it all OP?

Hi, yes, she says she masturbates usually once per week. With me, she claims she achieves the orgasm through penetrative sex, with her dictating the rythm. She never really vocalises during sex, even at the climax, and I've always had doubts myself that she is orgasming, but she says she is. I've suggested that she'd enjoy it more if only she'd let me "warm her up" (i.e engage in forplay), but whenever she does let me touch her, she refuses to let me touch her clitoris and says it's too sensitive. Instead she tries to get me to find her g-spot, which is awkward for me.

She lives with her mother and grandmother. They are religious, but not fundamentalist. She says her mother never really dated, and she was the result of her mother's desire to get pregnant. The father never stayed around, and I think that my girlfriend has major trust issues regarding people, and a very peculiar attitude around men in general, like we're a seperate species sometimes. I think this stems from her childhood. She's very comfortable with me, however, so long as I'm not naked, and she loves tickling me, cuddling and kissing. Sometimes she is aroused, genuinely, and as I said just seems to want to kiss and have penetrative sex -- while she keeps her top on. Sometimes during it she just seizes up and loses interest, with an expression on her face that says "I wish this was over now" but says that I can keep going until I've finished. Naturally I'm not able to "keep going" when she gets like that, so I end up withdrawing and masturbating to finish. I tell her it's ok and not to worry, but I am worried.

LegacyUser

coco85 wrote: »

Hi OP,

From what you have told us the follwing is possible:

1) She has a fear of getting pregnant(is she on the pill?)

A bug bear on mine. She says she is very worried about pregnancy, but seems reluctant to do anything about it. Since she moved away, I said it would be great if she went on the pill before my arrival to visit her. I said that of course I'll use condoms still, and that the pregnancy risk should be practically eliminated if we use both forms of contraception. She seemed annoyed initially that I would ask her to do such a thing (go on the pill) as "the burden is all on her". I told her that if there were a male pill I'd happily take it, but there isn't. She said she'd agree to it. In Ireland we even got a month's prescription of microlite which she brought back to America with her. Lately, however, she says she doesn't think you can use the pill for a few weeks and then go off it. She says you need to be on it for much longer lengths of time, and she says it will cost 1000 dollars in the States, and she says she's heard bad things about microlite.

I know that you can go on the pill for, say, September and October, and then give it up until Spring. I also know that it won't cost anything close to even half of 1000 dollars and, as for the microlite, I told her not to use it. I said that instead, when I visit her we'll go as a couple to a GP and ask all the questions she likes. Privately I'm a little annoyed that she's making this so difficult; she seems to be backtracking, and now when I'm over there she won't be on the pill and I feel she's doing this deliberately so that we won't be able to have sex.

2)May have issues with men in general. Was her mother betrayed by her father? (seeing as she did not grow up with a father/father figure in her life) She may be terrified of being hurt.

She does have issues with men in my opinion. She has virtually no experience of men on any level. Yet she was very keen to meet initially and seems very comfortable with me so long as I don't have an erection. It's incredibly frustrating.

3)She is obviously sexually inexperienced and being a younger girl with an experienced older man may intimidate her. She might not feel comfortable exploring her sexual side due to fear of embarrassment???..doing something 'wrong'??

Again, correct. But I've given her all the encouragement I possibly can. I've tried. For example in the beginning she didn't really want to kiss because she thought she was bad at it. (She was, but I told her she was great), and then we practiced in a fun way that she enjoyed, and now she's very good at it. But with regard to everything else, she just has these seemingly indestructible hangups that stem not so much as a feeling of awkwardness as from a general complete lack of libido or, as I'm terrified of, lack of attraction to me. She says I'm "adorable" and that she doesn't find any people attractive, so I shouldn't worry. But obviously, I am deeply worried.

4)She obviously has issues with her image..and you telling her she is beautiful is the best thing you can do to help boost her self confidence... many girls who are sexually inexperienced girls will definitly have issues with men 'going down' on them..(i know the first time a guy went down on me i was petrified.. was worried if i looked 'normal' down there..ect)

I know, but she'll seldom let me touch or kiss her breasts either. And as for her touching my penis - I should be so lucky on those rare occasions.

6) As for her low sex drive.. this is an excuse she is making to avoid sexual contact.. She just hasn't discovered the sexual side of herself! BEWARE once she lets loose you may have the opposite prob...too much sex!!!!

I would love that! But she seems to be tending towards the opposite direction, to be honest. And now we're in a long distance relationship where we'll see each other just twice per year, and I'm very down. I don't know if you should dump someone over lack of sex, but I'm afraid that she's not being honest with me and sees me as more of a friend than anything else, even though she bitterly rejects this and says if we split up she'll never speak to me again. But still, when we talk on the phone it's pleasant chat is all, no flirting and I just feel like I don't have a girlfriend sometimes, the distance compounding this feeling obviously. I've told her about this, but it seems to have made very little difference.

7)Her going hot and cold on the matter only highlights her sexual inexperience/immaturity.. she is just waiting to be let loose but is possibly terrified!!..

Terrified of what? I don't know. We have had sex, and fooled around. But as I said, it's worse she's getting, not better.

8)You mastrubating in front of her cannot be doing anything for her self confidence.. a guy did that in front of me once when i would not 'put out' as he used to say..(i was worn out from it at the time!!) It really did nothing for my self confidence/made me feel like sex object(i know f***** up but i wondered if he was only with me for the sex- i was right!!)

The only reason I do it is because I have to. It's a last resort on my part. If I do it, it's because she won't don anything else, and she says if masturbating relaxes me, then I should do it. She enjoys watching! (Which is kinda kinky, and we do laugh about it...I just wish sometimes she'd join in!)

As for what you can do i have no idea.. give her time.....take her on a shopping trip to Ann Summers?.. get her a vibrator that ye can use together..and so she can use on her own to help her explore and find those feelings herself..once she realises how good it can be with a mechanical thing she will understand that it can be so much better with the real thing!

Thanks for the advice. I'll give it a shot!

LegacyUser

Weidii wrote: »

Is it possible she's gay?

I never considered that, but I really don't think so.

Marksie

Normally i would give reams of advice on what to do in terms of avoiding oversensitising the clitoris, intimacy, communication and the like.
But this advice is going to be not like that, because this issues isn't about a how to.,
This isssue revolves around your g/friends fear of sex, men and her dodging teh truth.

before you can even start to explore her sexcuality she has to realise she has one and accept it.

Counessling and of a good sexual therapist.
her issues are basic and should be resolved before you can make any attempt at going further

You may be communicating, but your out of your depth here going it alone

Edit: BTW i think she isn't telling the truth about what she does alone, its just not consistent with her behaviour

Overheal

reallyworried wrote: »

She lives with her mother and grandmother. They are religious, but not fundamentalist. She says her mother never really dated, and she was the result of her mother's desire to get pregnant. The father never stayed around, and I think that my girlfriend has major trust issues regarding people, and a very peculiar attitude around men in general, like we're a seperate species sometimes. I think this stems from her childhood. She's very comfortable with me, however, so long as I'm not naked, and she loves tickling me, cuddling and kissing. Sometimes she is aroused, genuinely, and as I said just seems to want to kiss and have penetrative sex -- while she keeps her top on. Sometimes during it she just seizes up and loses interest, with an expression on her face that says "I wish this was over now" but says that I can keep going until I've finished. Naturally I'm not able to "keep going" when she gets like that, so I end up withdrawing and masturbating to finish. I tell her it's ok and not to worry, but I am worried.

April, May, June, July, August...

This is a girl with a unique set of issues and upbringings, and maybe expecting her to be a total hornball after 4 months is asking a bit too much. She's cuddling and kissing and jerks you off and gets aroused and you're calling her asexual :rolleyes:

They may not be religious fundamentalists but the idea that you mention religion here suggests to me its still a highly regarded subject in her family. That would probably have a lot to do with her unease around nudity if I'm none too mistaken. As for trust issues you're probably dead right there. Maybe she thinks if you're only interested in the sex and her beauty you'll up and leave when the **** hits the fan. If these are deep-seated childhood issues, it will take a long time to overcome.

From what I read i sounds like she is really just starting to come out of her shell. Don't rush her, it will take longer than 4 months. In the meantime enjoy your cuddles and tickles sir - not all bonding is done through the testicles :pac:

whether or not she's really achieving orgasm, I'll leave to better sexperts.

coco85

Hi OP,

I never realised that she is living in the states.. i presume you are here in Ireland..

This changes things A LOT...

There are a few questions i think you need to ask yourself:

1)Are you willing to be in a relationship where you only see your girlfriend once or twice a year? (with possibly no intamacy?) do you have any plans to move to the states or her to Ireland?.. where do you see the relationship going?

2)If the pill was so expensive in the states there would be a mojor crisis over there in relation to crisis pregnancys.. the pill is only around 10euro a month over here. Your girlfriend is obviously f****** with your head and obviously does not want to go on the pill..

3)As for her not being attracted to anyone??.. not wanting you to touch her breasts..strange... i think she needs professional help in the form of a good sex therapist as Marksie suggested. If she is willing to see a therapist then great.. if she refuses then you really have to ask yourself how committed is she to the relationship? do you want to be with someone who is not fully committed to ye're relationship?

I really do feel for you, it can't be easy with her living so far away...if she was living locally this situation would be easier turn around...

You have only been with her a few months... if you are in it for the long haul then maybe it is worth working on your relationship, if you are not then it would be much easier getting out now then letting her wreck your head for too much longer..

Either way best of luck, let us know how you get on:)

Overheal

Or she's misinformed about the pill. When has she ever been concerned about wanting to have unprotected sex outside of the current relationship? I couldn't tell you how much it costs. But I can tell what commercials are like here:

True Story wrote:

[Asthma Enhaler] Helps to prevent asthma symptoms from occuring, giving you the freedom to live your life bla bla bla

Warning may increase the risk of respiratory related death

Mr Benevolent

Is she religious at all? Brought up in a religious family maybe?

Nevyn

Maybe you just don't do it for her at all but she is willing to do certain things to you to keep you happy as she doesn't know how to end the relationship or that really she should.

fits

^^^^

Thats what I'm thinking. Maybe shes just not into you. Maybe she needs to mature a little more. She might not know what its like to actually be attracted to and aroused by someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Firstly, to the people who think she's not into me: this is what I suspect too, but we've nearly broken up twice and it was always me who was thinking about ending it both those times. She says she does want me, but says we "show our love in different way". Then she castigates me for wanting to show it in a physical way (in addition to all the other ways that it can be shown, which I do).

She's not totally asexual obviously. It's just she has such a tiny libido, very seldom wants to pleasure me, or have me pleasure her, has lots of hang ups about her body, extremely rarely flirts, gets annoyed when I call her beautiful or a "babe" and says I'm over-emphasising the physical. I'd like to point out at this stage that while she was here I took her out all the time, met her friends, took her away for two weekends, and introduced her to my parents. Since she left, there has been virtually no mention of the "physical", but I have posted her over gifts, I've emailed her, I've asked her about her day, told her I love her, all that. So for her to say I over concentrate on the physical just isn't true by any standards, and I feel she's using it as a throwaway line. I'm almost afraid to mention anything physical now.

If she was still in Ireland I feel we could solve this, but the distance makes things terribly difficult for me. She's totally ok with the distance, and has said she wouldn't mind terribly if I coulldn't make it -- she would mind, but not enormously, she says. She's happy so long as I satisfy her emotionally, and she says physical contact isn't really necessary for that. Which leads me to think that she has a child's attitude to relationships. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as bitter here, but I'm very worried about what to do.

I am due to visit her for ten days in September. I don't know whether I should go or cancel, as I don't want us to argue. And I don't know if I can take much more of this second-guessing and suspecting that she's leading me up the garden path. One theory at the back of my mind is that she's just lonely and wants to be able to say she's a boyfriend. I don't think that's the case, but when your other half never flirts or says they find you sexy, you do start to wonder.

Phlann

I really don't agree with the posts above saying she's probably not into him, it's not consistent with her behaviour.

Her inability to accept compliments and refusing to take her shirt off during sex indicates some pretty deep-seated insecurities and I think it gives the lie to her claims that she's just not that sexual. Her own insecurities are at the root of it and I don't think any of it has anything to do with the OP.

I don't really know what you can do to fix it though. She sounds pretty stubborn so badgering her about it won't work... trying to reverse it to make you look like the odd one for wanting sex (when that's clearly not the case!) is a pretty classic defence mechanism.

I guess the only thing you can do is stick with it and hope that she'll just loosen up in her own good time. But whether it'll happen or not is anyone's guess...

But honestly, if I were you I'd abort. That kind of situation needs constant care and attention because in your absence (and in the absence of consistent physicality) all those insecurities and self-esteem issues are just going to be given time to regroup and reinforce. I don't see how you're going to be able to change that if you're only seeing her in person a couple of times a year.

LegacyUser

Phlann wrote: »

I really don't agree with the posts above saying she's probably not into him, it's not consistent with her behaviour.

Her inability to accept compliments and refusing to take her shirt off during sex indicates some pretty deep-seated insecurities and I think it gives the lie to her claims that she's just not that sexual. Her own insecurities are at the root of it and I don't think any of it has anything to do with the OP.

I don't really know what you can do to fix it though. She sounds pretty stubborn so badgering her about it won't work... trying to reverse it to make you look like the odd one for wanting sex (when that's clearly not the case!) is a pretty classic defence mechanism.

I guess the only thing you can do is stick with it and hope that she'll just loosen up in her own good time. But whether it'll happen or not is anyone's guess...

But honestly, if I were you I'd abort. That kind of situation needs constant care and attention because in your absence (and in the absence of consistent physicality) all those insecurities and self-esteem issues are just going to be given time to regroup and reinforce. I don't see how you're going to be able to change that if you're only seeing her in person a couple of times a year.

Thanks Phlann. That's kind of how I feel. What makes things worse is that she left Ireland on June 1st, and we only had our first phone conversation last Wednesday. I'd been on to her for ages to switch her American mobile phone price plan so that we could talk and text, but she didn't, saying it was too expensive. She didn't even give me a landline number where I could call her, even though I asked several times for one. We've skyped around ten times, but her idea of keeping in touch is facebook emails! I've tried on numerous occasions to explain that this isn't really good enough, but she never 'got' it. Finally last I set up a rebtel account for us both, so we can phone each other cheaply and, since then, we have spoken every night. But last night on the phone she sulked when I told her she was beautiful. Also, she hasn't yet told her mother about me.

We had a huge row (over Instant Messenger because that was our primary mode of communication until I set up the rebtel accounts on Wednesday) about her not switching over her phone price plan, not telling her family about me, and about her refusal to give me a promise that she'll return my visit next year, even though I've said I'll pay for half her ticket.

So I hope you can see that I'm not just interested in sex: I think all my complaints show that on the contrary, sex is pretty low down the scale after basic things like phoning each other. I said I wanted to break up, then she said she would tell her family about me. It's always a tug of war and I suppose I wouldn't feel so bad if she was physically flirting with me at least, but when she isn't and won't even make an effort to talk to me properly, I get pissed off, suspicious and resentful.

Thing is, in Ireland we generally had such a fantastic time together; those weekends away were great, and she really opened up to me. She says she's "damaged", a loner, and that she doesn't experience strong emotions, and that I've been able to get more emotions out of her than anyone else has ever managed. But it's like pulling teeth. She also says I don't appreciate how broke she is: but no one is too broke to wait by a payphone and receive a phonecall, surely??

Mr Benevolent

Yup, pull the eject handle, blast out of the cockpit of despair and parachute safely back to the land of real women.

fits

Phlann wrote: »

I really don't agree with the posts above saying she's probably not into him, it's not consistent with her behaviour.

Her inability to accept compliments and refusing to take her shirt off during sex indicates some pretty deep-seated insecurities and I think it gives the lie to her claims that she's just not that sexual. Her own insecurities are at the root of it and I don't think any of it has anything to do with the OP.

Its also the behaviour of an immature teenager, whos just not that into someone.

I am due to visit her for ten days in September. I don't know whether I should go or cancel, as I don't want us to argue. And I don't know if I can take much more of this second-guessing and suspecting that she's leading me up the garden path.

It doesnt really sound to me like theres much to salvage, based on what you've said. I wouldnt bother going anyway.

One theory at the back of my mind is that she's just lonely and wants to be able to say she's a boyfriend.

Well thats what I think is going on here tbh. Sorry.

Wishbone Ash

OP - is she on any form of medication which may affect her libido?

LegacyUser

Wishbone Ash wrote: »

OP - is she on any form of medication which may affect her libido?

She does have Crohn's Disease, and takes a drug called remicade, but not very often. I don't think it affects the libido.

hunnybunny

What makes things worse is that she left Ireland on June 1st, and we only had our first phone conversation last Wednesday. I'd been on to her for ages to switch her American mobile phone price plan so that we could talk and text, but she didn't, saying it was too expensive. She didn't even give me a landline number where I could call her, even though I asked several times for one. We've skyped around ten times, but her idea of keeping in touch is facebook emails! I've tried on numerous occasions to explain that this isn't really good enough, but she never 'got' it. Finally last I set up a rebtel account for us both, so we can phone each other cheaply and, since then, we have spoken every night. But last night on the phone she sulked when I told her she was beautiful. Also, she hasn't yet told her mother about me.

Maybe it could be that she just needs her own space, then again she has certainly enough of that now. I don t see why she couldn t give you a landline number. She sounds like she is making excuses not to talk.
Just like the pill excuse earlier. I mean 1000 dollars? I really don t think thats the case at all.

If she was still in Ireland I feel we could solve this, but the distance makes things terribly difficult for me. She's totally ok with the distance, and has said she wouldn't mind terribly if I coulldn't make it -- she would mind, but not enormously, she says. She's happy so long as I satisfy her emotionally, and she says physical contact isn't really necessary for that. Which leads me to think that she has a child's attitude to relationships. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as bitter here, but I'm very worried about what to do.

From my own personal experience if Im loving long distance it means Im not that serious about the guy Im with.

We had a huge row (over Instant Messenger because that was our primary mode of communication until I set up the rebtel accounts on Wednesday) about her not switching over her phone price plan, not telling her family about me, and about her refusal to give me a promise that she'll return my visit next year, even though I've said I'll pay for half her ticket.

Mmmm I recognise a girl with cold feet. That was exactly how I got when I left my BF behind. I wasn t making no promises to return, nor was I keen to return the phone calls or help him communicate with me.

So I hope you can see that I'm not just interested in sex: I think all my complaints show that on the contrary, sex is pretty low down the scale after basic things like phoning each other

Exactly, if the basics are not there, that suggests the problems runs deeper than just sex.

I said I wanted to break up, then she said she would tell her family about me. It's always a tug of war and I suppose I wouldn't feel so bad if she was physically flirting with me at least, but when she isn't and won't even make an effort to talk to me properly, I get pissed off, suspicious and resentful.

Her family doesn t know about you????? Generally not a good sign if someone is meant to be in a serious adult relationship.

Thing is, in Ireland we generally had such a fantastic time together; those weekends away were great, and she really opened up to me. She says she's "damaged", a loner, and that she doesn't experience strong emotions, and that I've been able to get more emotions out of her than anyone else has ever managed. But it's like pulling teeth. She also says I don't appreciate how broke she is: but no one is too broke to wait by a payphone and receive a phonecall, surely??

I hate to say it but it sounds like shes not that in to you. If I really wanna be with someone Im making the effort, Im waiting for the call and I m responding to the text immediately.

Its not just about the sex obviously, she seems to be making nearly no effort whatsoever in other parts like communication.

I recognise her as I got exactly like that myself. I was uninterested in sex with my boyfriend, but he thought I had the problem, when the problem was really him. I just didn t want to be with him and I wasnt getting turned on by him neither. Just going through the motions.

He did everything to try and fix things but I knew deep down it was never gonna work. I just wasnt interested and made no effort whatsoever hoping he would get the hint (as I find it hard to finish with someone) At first I was afraid of being alone so I didn t want to leave but then I realised thats soo selfish. He broke it off (and I agreed) in the end as he needed someone to give him the affection and love I was unable to give him. I was so relieved and we both were able to move on!

I hate to say it but I think that sounds like what your girfriend is going through too!

LegacyUser

Ok but then why does she fight for us to stay together whenever it seems like we're about to break up? Her behaviour is odd and certainly suggests disinterest, but is it possible that she's just odd? (Odd I can live with)

Miss Fluff

Just read your last post about not giving you a landline etc. You are being taken for a fool my friend. Cancel your trip in September and go and enjoy yourself. She's really not worth the hassle, seems like every single comprimise is on your part and she is being unwaveringly selfish. Red card OP.

seraphimvc

agree to Phlann

sound like a teenage girl whacking your head case,a typical one.OP,take it easy and step back think about the whole thing calmly - the worst thing can happen is you fly to her side talk with her face to face on this issue ,break up nice and clear ,no more nightmare.I guess at this point you know that the relationship you want involving a mature and caring woman ,she is not.

anyway,face to face and talk is what i advice,good luck!*if ya are really serious on her ,the very special girl means alot to you (more than the flight ticket)*

MagicMarker

Sorry, you are not lovers. You are friends who have the occasional cuddle.

This girl is obviously not ready for an adult sexual relationship. She has issues, issues that i think will take her a looooong time to come to terms with.

The fact that you're thousands of miles apart only highlight the fact that this is all very pointless.

My advice is to cut your losses and move on.

aidan24326

MagicMarker wrote: »

My advice is to cut your losses and move on.

Mine too.

OP, this is a waste of your time. This girl seems to have a strange idea of what it means to be in a proper adult relationship. Whatever her issues it sounds like you and her are just not compatible. That or else she's just not that much into you, at least not physically. Either way you're best to do what magicmarker said, cut your losses and move on.

dresden8

Bail out. You cannot fix her.

Jackovarian

dresden8 wrote: »

Bail out. You cannot fix her.

hahahaha, i can just imagine the guy shouting "bail"!!!!


em, i've been in a similar situation before.
she just doesn't understand sex and therefore fears it in some aspects ... along with loads of other problems.

no amount of talking will fix the problem.

the first thing is ask yourself is she worth all this hassle?
ask yourself how you guys got together, was it in any way flirtatious?

find out what, if anything she finds attractive about the opposite sex. then play upon that. if you have to make her fantasize about johnny depp just to gte her going then do it like.

i mean, have you both gone out, got drunk and had "fun"? that will always break the ice, plus she will be far more willing to explain her problems.

i doubt she is asexual, why would she bother going out with you? the fact that she likes the lovey dovey stuff proves she is not asexual. its just that sex doesn't come as easily to some people as it does to others.

so yeah, find out what turns her on. ask her what she thinks about during masturbation.
ask her if she finds you physically attractive.

buy her a vibrator, of her choice, dont just go make her buy the biggest thing in the place coz it would be cool to see it go in!

its guna take a while, but you need to work with her.

you need to do the clit work man. different orgasms for different parts. feck the g-spot. leave that to the porn stars. you need to start small.

it will either go three ways. you'll break up, she will become moderately more sexual, she will become a nympho.


p.s. during hugging and kissing and crap, do fore-playish things without touching any zones. i.e. hot breath on neck and ear. biting and or hickies... stuff like that. if she loses the issues with hating her body your halfway there, trust me. see if she wants a tattoo or something, or piercing. it may be the gateway to a live able relationship.

sorry if im no help!

mikewest

OP Your girlfriend has major self exteem / self confidence / self worth issues which if not addressed will mean any relationship will ultimately be doomed to failure. It may run aground on issues like you are encountering right now but she will find a sticking point and cause a problem based on that percieved problem. I would never attempt to determine what the root of her problems are especially secondhand over the internet but she needs professional help to sort herself out asap.

In the short term if you go visit her in September are you staying at her home or are both of you staying elsewhere together? If the latter try and create a situation where you both need a shower and while messing around get her to shower with you. even if you don't have sex the sheer intimacy of a shower together could break down barriers. If she finds the shower a comfortable place to be naked with you then suggest that you take showers together regularly. Don't force the issue with her and good luck whatever you do.

Marksie

reallyworried wrote: »

Ok but then why does she fight for us to stay together whenever it seems like we're about to break up? Her behaviour is odd and certainly suggests disinterest, but is it possible that she's just odd? (Odd I can live with)

I have been described as odd op. But i say just different.

Bottom line as to why she does this:

She is in love with the idea of the trappings of a realtionship.

She can say to the world: look i have a boyfriend, i am alright really, nothing to see here, move along.

This has NOTHING to do with sexual technique or anything you are doing wrong OP. It has to do with her own self issues.
The only thing you are doing "wrong" (and i use the term loosely) is facilitating her behaviour.
I am going to repeat my statement of my last post:
She needs to get help to overcome this, you cannot do this by yourself. If you are committed to her, then this is a cnversation you must have.
Her reaction to it will be a good guage. If she, as i suspect overreacts, then clings on to you, you will have your answer. Be firm and dont cave in..or else accept its a done deal and move on

SpookyDoll

"One theory at the back of my mind is that she's just lonely and wants to be able to say she's a boyfriend."

Exactly OP, thats all it is and thats why she "fights" for it when she sees you are going to drop her.

Take it from a woman, this girl is messing you around BIG TIME and it is really a shame because you sound like a decent person and instead of being messed around by this one you should be being appreciated by a girl who would treat you properly.

You are sending her gifts and doing everything her way, thats not the way a relationship works, she should not be allowed to dictate all the terms, she is really being cheeky, well more than cheeky, outright selfish and using you OP, i dont doubt she thinks you are a lovely person but she should be ripping your clothes off not treating you this way, its mean and immature.

And by the way, the pill is only 12 euro for a three month packet and no different over in the States so she outright lied to you there.....

What else is she lying about......

axer

reallyworried wrote: »

She does have Crohn's Disease, and takes a drug called remicade, but not very often. I don't think it affects the libido.

Her condition alone can effect her libido. See here for more.

I think it is a difficult situation you are in.

It suits her at the moment because you cannot "hassle" her for sex when she is away and she gets her emotional needs satisfied by you still.

How long more will she be away? Why is she away? Is it just a J1 or something?

LegacyUser

axer wrote: »

Her condition alone can effect her libido. See here for more.

I think it is a difficult situation you are in.

It suits her at the moment because you cannot "hassle" her for sex when she is away and she gets her emotional needs satisfied by you still.

How long more will she be away? Why is she away? Is it just a J1 or something?

Thanks for that. I've just emailed her the link. She's away long term - very long term actually. She's American and from a small town in a rural southern state. I'm about to do a 4 year postgraduate programme here in Ireland and I agreed to a long distance relationship provided we see each other twice per year at the bare minimum. September will be the first time I travel to America to see her. She'll be at college in New England, so I won't have to meet her parents and I'll be staying with her in her room. She has no room-mates.

She will finish her degree next May. Initially we'd hoped that she would come back to Ireland to do an MA or simply to take a year out, but, for financial reasons which I totally understand, she can't do that now. So we're looking at a longterm scenario here. I have said that after I finish my postgraduate course I'd be happy to relocate to America to be with her. This isn't totally selfless on my part, as job oportunities will be better for me in the States anyway. In the meantime she plans on going to Law School, whic will take 2 years. The problem with an American law degree is that it's useless in Europe.

Her attitude to a return visit next summer is very non-committal. I've even offered to pay for half her ticket, and she still won't promise me to come over. She says she'll "do her best", but said it in such a way that she has lots of wriggle room to back out over any number of reasons. To me it would be the final straw is she didn't return my visit to her. In my view, if you want something to happen, you make it happen - especially something as basic as a flight that your other half is offering to half pay for! She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept. Also, she had originally agreed to this condition of mine; but now, like her promise to go on the pill, she seems set to renege.

Thing is, I love her.

SpookyDoll

Really worried, the more I read your posts the worse I feel for you, looking at it objectively, Im sorry but I dont think this girl feels the same way about you as you do about her....

You seem very kind and patient but my God, she is taking you for a ...I was going to say ride, but she is not really even doing that...:o

I sense that you know that deep down but are not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but you need to start listening to that little voice in your head that has doubts because its speaking the truth.

Im sure you will come to a decision in your own time, but remember you only get one life and its short.

"She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept."

This statement if she did say it shows quite a manipulative streak in her, everything she doesnt want to do she doesnt do but she twists the "blame" back onto you, sort of inferring that you are somehow being unreasonable, demanding, pressuring her etc

Anyway OP, I hope you work it out, if her illness is stopping her from having a libido, well then do you think you could live that way.....because it seems she wants to stick to things as they are. This involves you making all the sacrifices and her pretty much suiting herself.

As you said you do love her but I think as soon as the scales fall from your eyes you will see the current situation is totally unacceptable.

trio

I'm fairly appalled that she hasn't told her parents about you. That's bad, man.

So basically you're going to go over in September, she's going to be all hot and cold, she's going to be keeping you at arms length once you return....

And you're thinking of breaking up with her if she doesn't return the visit in Summer 2009? You're going to have a year of complete head-wreckingness? Christ, even the Dalai Lama doesn't have as much patience as you!

Look, she's not going to come over in 2009. She probably knows that already. If she doesn't have enough money for a bloody phone call, she's not going to have enough money to come over to Ireland to see a boyfriend she's pretty happy just IMing.

You have a very expensive friendship, that's what this is. And a friendship that is making you insecure, under confident and miserable. This is not a relationship in any way shape or form.

You have to end the farce of pretending that this is a romantic relationship, and just downgrade to Facebook buddies. She seems to be quite happy with that anyway in practise, if not in theory (and yes, that's just because she wants "a boyfriend" in name without having to have a relationship)

Bottom line - even if she has a low libido connected to Crohns disease, it doesn't really explain keeping the top on during sex, and it certainly doesn't explain how crappily she's been treating you and your supposed relationship. She's barely a friend to you at the moment. She may be good company in person, but she's one hell of a crappy friend long distance.

Jackovarian

ok, i just want to say, disregard my post from earlier in this thread.

ive been here too! for two years! bad bad situation. all i can say is, forget her, sounds harsh, dump her ass.

this isn't really a problem. logically, if you did live together or near each other you wouldn't still be going out. its just that its easy and mystical due to the long distance.

basically, cut you losses, go out and get a new girlfriend! i'm sure theres plenty of american guys for her.

its very obvious shes wrecking your head!

by the way, my issue, was all with the same girl, and after we split, we became great friends, and realised that the relationship was a joke and we were far more compatible as friends.

LONG DISTANCE NEVER WORKS!!! GO GET A NORMAL NON-HEADWRECKING GIRLFRIEND,if they actually do exist lol!
AND CONTRARY TO COMMON BELIEF "LOVE" CAN BE REPLACED!

dump her due to the fact that she isn't putting any effort into the relationship. come back here in 2 days and tell us your not feeling better!

oh yeah, if you cant do that, you need to reach deep down and see,

ARE YOUR BALLS STILL ATTACHED! LOL

axer

Jackovarian wrote: »

LONG DISTANCE NEVER WORKS!!!

It depends what you mean by this. Long distance long term is extremely tough but some people live with long distance for a year or two no problems. It can actually strengthen relationships in that the people appreciate each other more.

OP: I would agree though that this is a bad situation for you that you should get out of. The heart should not always come first - you have to be both realistic and logical to some extent sometimes.

If I told you that story as if it were mine what would you suggest I do?

LegacyUser

SpookyDoll wrote: »

"She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept."

This statement if she did say it shows quite a manipulative streak in her, everything she doesnt want to do she doesnt do but she twists the "blame" back onto you, sort of inferring that you are somehow being unreasonable, demanding, pressuring her etc

It's not the first time she's said something along those lines either. About a month ago when I tried to address the sex issue, I basically said that much as I loved her, I wasn't willing to be in a sexless relationship. She said then that she would have sex, but only if I promised to never say that again. She asked why I couldn't love her unconditionally, and that by me making such a statement, I was suggesting that sex was my foremost concer. I agreed that I wouldn't say that again, but privately it's still very much how I feel. Even last week she said that she's a little nervous about my visit because she's afraid "sex will be the most important thing for me, and [she's] not ready". I just replied by saying "it won't be, and it's not", which it isn't. But still, it is pretty important!

Just one point about her not telling her family about me: she is black, and I'm white. This isn't an issue for me, but it would be slightly with her family, who are also Baptists while I was raised a Catholic. She did say that she'd rather just bring me to them, to their house, but that's highly improbable. So now that plan is that I'm to ring her house when I know she's not there and ask for her. Her mother will answer the phone, ask who I am, and I'll have to take it from there. It's highly unorthodox, but I'll just be glad that they know about me, because then it'll show that I'm not totally more invested in the relationship than she is. When she gets home later, she'll face a (not necessarily hostile) inquisition, and she'll tell them all about me.

Thanks for all the tips guys. I really appreciate it. Please keep them coming. I had a great chat with her on the phone last night. I really think that more phonecalls are helping. I sometimes think that she's just immature and socially inept, and that that explains a lot. But then I think of the "manipulative streak" that SpookyDoll mentioned, and which I know exists. I'm in a quandry here.

nomorebadtown

You love her.
She says she loves you.

...And yet she says she wouldn't be overly devastated if you didn't make it over to the States to see her even though you will only see eachother twice a year!!!???!

Sorry man but she does not love you. There is just no way she can love you if you not getting over there to see her doesn't completely crush her....And when/if you do get over to see her, the probability is she won't hop on you right there in the arrivals hall...OP in all honestly I think you are deluding yourself. I'm a young man like yourself and there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I could carry on a relationship like this. As others have said, this girl has huge problems with sex and adult relationships as a whole and these are problems that you can do nothing to remedy.

My advice? Life is short. Too short for this kind of carry on. Get out now.

Good luck to you, Sir.

LegacyUser

This struck me:
I don't know if you should dump someone over lack of sex, but I'm afraid that she's not being honest with me and sees me as more of a friend than anything else, even though she bitterly rejects this and says if we split up she'll never speak to me again.

She says if you split up she will never speak to you again, so basically if you dont do what she says, agree to carry on with this ridiculous charade she will punish you by never speaking to you again??? .........pffffftt !!!

So what will you have lost? Not much, just someone who clearly has no respect for you anyway. She seems like she enjoys rejecting you and pulling all the strings and she doesn't seem to appreciate that her expectations are absolutely outrageous!!!

You are putting up with this impossible situation because you "love her" -well, love is not supposed to be 100% pain and difficulty like this. If you make this work out I will seriously eat my hat!

Move on OP and dont waste any more time on this selfish little user.

LegacyUser

nomorebadtown wrote: »

You love her.
She says she loves you.

...And yet she says she wouldn't be overly devastated if you didn't make it over to the States to see her even though you will only see eachother twice a year!!!???!

Sorry man but she does not love you. There is just no way she can love you if you not getting over there to see her doesn't completely crush her....And when/if you do get over to see her, the probability is she won't hop on you right there in the arrivals hall...OP in all honestly I think you are deluding yourself. I'm a young man like yourself and there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I could carry on a relationship like this. As others have said, this girl has huge problems with sex and adult relationships as a whole and these are problems that you can do nothing to remedy.

My advice? Life is short. Too short for this kind of carry on. Get out now.

Good luck to you, Sir.

Thank you. You're saying what most people are saying here, and also what I'm thinking myself.

I've paid 600 euro for my flight over, and I won't get a refund (I've checked with the airline). I don't know if I should cut my losses and just not go, or go and see how it goes and break up afterwards if I'm still unhappy. At least if I went, I'd know I'd done absolutely everything. If I cancel, I might regret not at least going.

As I said, I'm 25. She is my first "proper" girlfriend, and things seemed to be going so well while she was here. It was perfect. I had wanted to break up when she left Ireland -- to end it amicably on a high note, as I didn't think we were strong enough to survive long term after just a few months of being together. But she convinced me otherwise. I also thought that "long-distance" isn't necessarily the death-knell for relationships that it used to be, what with skype and broadband and cheap flights and all. I also thought about people serving in the army, or seamen, as people who have to have long distance relationships, and who seem to be able to make them work.

But you guys are right: she's not making an effort, and really has no excuses. The question now is, do I cut my losses and cancel my ticket, or do I go over there and give it one last shot?

mountain

OP,

as was once pointed out to me, a relationship like this..

"is like banging your head off a brick wall, it feels great when you stop"

MagicMarker

reallyworried wrote: »

She says that that being the case, I'm willing to dump her because she doesn't have enough money, which I don't accept. Also, she had originally agreed to this condition of mine; but now, like her promise to go on the pill, she seems set to renege.

Thing is, I love her.

I'm sorry man, but it sounds to me like she WANTS you to dump her. She doesn't love you, but she's too cowardly to tell you.

I think you need to wake up! You need to forget about this girl. If you keep this until next summer then you're just going to be even more heartbroken when the inevitable happens.

4Xcut

You have till september so you can try and do one of 2 things:

1)try to sell the ticket and see if the airline will allow you to change details(may only be a small fee for this - better than loosing 600)

2)try to get someone to go with you and go on the tear for a few days.

SpookyDoll

Ah ReallyWorried, funny I was reading back over your posts and was wondering to myself if this was your first relationship, and as it turns out it is....ahhh I feel a little bit sad to hear that, but also it makes more sense, you see as you get a little bit more experience you will realise you are really selling yourself short and love should never feel this difficult.

You are doing everything right but you are just giving too much, you cannot do the work of two people in the relationship if you know what I mean. She has not pulled her weight and I dont think she is going to.

When she asked why you couldn't love her unconditionally, you really should have returned the question back at her, why cant SHE love YOU unconditionally, sexuality is part of you and she is demanding that you sacrifice that without question. So she wants your perfect obedience, do you see what I mean, it is very unfair and hypocritical.

I dont think you should bother going over, its such a pity the money is lost I know, but if you learn from this well then crazy as it sounds it will have been worthwhile.

It can be very confusing alright when you are in the middle of this with all the mixed messages and everything, but I think you can see her intentions are not in your best interests. I think she has an extremely underdeveloped sense of relationships, she expects ridiculous levels of sacrifice on your behalf and gives back nothing in return, she has a rude awakening ahead of her Im afraid.

Anyway, I really hope you meet a nice girl who deserves you and you put this debacle behind you.

Let her stamp her foot all she likes ReallyWorried but at the end of the day what man would put up with her selfishness, you definitely shouldnt!

Dixie Chick

To the OP, you seem a really nice sound guy and there is nowhere in any of your posts that you seem OTT in what you are asking your gf to do. But the thing is at the end of the day, you shouldnt have to ask her to do anything, she should want to do it with you. You have been more than understanding with her. I think her excuses re the Pill and stuff, and her not giving you a landline number is very disrespectful of you as you have been so open with her. I think seeing as you have paid for the trip to the states that you should go, cos if it does come to it that ye should break up then its better to be done face to face and not via the internet

Jackovarian

and seriously dude, if you are still at this moment in time considering yours as a valid relationship then not alone is she unfixable, you are too.

because she may have problems, but as somebody already said you are totally facilitating this kind of behavior.

also, nobody here knows who you are or anything. but given that this is your first real girlfriend, that you are 25, and it doesn't seem that your a bit of a lad, it would seem to me that you are the kind of person that thinks your lucky to actually have a girlfriend!

in fairness, shane macgowan has a girlfriend! so theres hope for anybody! DUMP HER! waste of time, money, and good old thought.
yes, its hard for a lot of people to meet new people, especially love interests. but that doesn't mean you should fool yourself into thinking your in love with the first person you meet!

anyways, im sick of giving you advice, as far as i'm concerned you already know what you have to do, and your just trying to buy some time. it just takes one phone call, or as i would suggest in this case, an email.

that not a girlfriend you have man. girlfriends are fun, cool, and most of all, they dont treat you like an f'ing animal. at least not for a few years! lol.

good luck.

ohh yeah, sex is a big issue to most people! just that they pretend its not for some bloody reason! its a part of a healthy relationship. stop lying to yourself.
600 for a ticket! twice per year! ha! i could think of a lot of better things to do with that kind of money! i sure a trip to amsterdam would be on the cards. at least your guaranteed sex there!

gabigeist

reallyworried wrote: »

I've been with my girlfriend since late April.

Did I read somewhere else that she went back to the U.S. on June 1st? 4-5 weeks? Was never a relationship in my book.

As I see it. You weren't well suited but with her heading home anyway, you made do. June 1st was the time to say goodbye but you both took the easy option.

Now that she's away the far-away-hills-are-greener glasses are on. Cut your losses as the trip will be an awkward disaster. If you are VERY good mates, you could ring her, dump her, and then suggest visiting as a friend but this is likely to be a howler also

asexualgirl

You need to learn about asexuality. Your girlfriend sound just like me. Visit www.asexuality.org, and ignore the terrible replys from Coca85.

Silverfish

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