Do men actually want marriage and kids?

Clink · 30-05-2008 03:28PM

Dudess wrote: »

I'd never put any pressure on a guy to get married - why would any girl do that? I know so many of them do, but why?

Because they want kids? And the stability they think marriage will bring? And they want to play barbie and get dressed up for a day?

Seriously though, I've only ever been in the opposite position where an ex boyfriend was putting me under serious pressure to get married and have kids (he wanted 7 kids apparently). I ran a mile.

punchdrunk · 30-05-2008 03:31PM

I'd love to get married and have kids,unfortunately haven't found anyone who's clicked yet though,I'm 27 next month :eek:

I know theres Dial-a-can in Dublin,I've used them before,sweet

...is there a Dial-a-wife???

to be serious though I'd want to be earning ALOT more than I do to support a family so I guess I'd have to wait a few years to get myself grounded,right now I rent so I suppose by the time I'd have enough money for a gaff,and a wedding I'd be hitting mid 30's!

Feck...

ScumLord · 30-05-2008 03:43PM

Have no interest in marriage, other than the big piss up. Raising kids is about the only worth while thing you can do with your life.

BobTheBeat · 30-05-2008 03:53PM

Dudess wrote: »

I'd never put any pressure on a guy to get married - why would any girl do that? I know so many of them do, but why?

Well, most girls see most girls doing it. So why cant they? And receive all of its trappings, kids, houses, etc.
I think the wedding as an event, is a cruel thing these days. The amount of b0lloxology that goes on with the church, dresses, hotel, honeymoon and sh1te is unreal. I would hazard a guess that most girls see the wedding day as a very important part of the marriage package. Theres No denying the spiritual and personal side of it, but come on like, 1000's for a day so that 250 cnuts can eat and get p1ssed at your expense?

boogle · 30-05-2008 03:57PM

In about 30 - 40 years time, there are going to be a LOT of really old, unmarried and lonely people. I don't mean to sound to sound preachy but people fixate on the fact that marriage seems so permanent and that they prefer to have the freedom etc (what, for something better to come along?) But the permanency of marriage is also a good thing. Think about really old married couples that you know. They're married so long that it's that loyalty to each other and their marriage that has resulted in two older people who each have somebody who loves them and who looks after them in times of need. If you reach your older years unmarried, you may be thinking "I'll always have friends and family" but believe me, friends won't look after you the way a spouse would, and you possibly won't have kids.

Now if you can weigh up all these disadvantages to being an unmarried old person, and you are OK with it, then fine. But if you can forsee yourself whinging about how you're too old to date and you're lonely and regret never having kids.... you might want to think about getting married if a special someone does come along.

Sometimes people in their 20s and 30s don't realise that now is the time to prepare for the rest of your life, as dull and boring as that sounds. That's why we try to buy houses, get pensions etc at this time in our lives. I just see marriage as being a little like that. Of course you should only marry someone you really love, I'd never suggest that you marry solely as provision for your future

Dudess · 30-05-2008 04:12PM

I don't think anyone's saying they want to be alone for life, but they might not want to have kids. And they might not want to settle down until their late 30s or 40s.

Dudess · 30-05-2008 04:15PM

bobmeaney wrote: »

Well, most girls see most girls doing it. So why cant they? And receive all of its trappings, kids, houses, etc.
I think the wedding as an event, is a cruel thing these days. The amount of b0lloxology that goes on with the church, dresses, hotel, honeymoon and sh1te is unreal. I would hazard a guess that most girls see the wedding day as a very important part of the marriage package. Theres No denying the spiritual and personal side of it, but come on like, 1000's for a day so that 250 cnuts can eat and get p1ssed at your expense?

Yeah it's a joke. For me it'll be a very modest, low-key affair. And these stags/hens abroad - what a joke, and a huge imposition on your friends. Galway is the furthest I'll be venturing. Mate of mine is heading to a hen in London tomorrow and not back til Monday. That's flights, two nights' accommodation, eating out, drinks... very unfair of the bride to be.

BobTheBeat · 30-05-2008 04:40PM

Dudess wrote: »

.... Mate of mine is heading to a hen in London tomorrow and not back til Monday. That's flights, two nights' accommodation, eating out, drinks... very unfair of the bride to be.

Thats nuts. I think people assume that everyone else is equally excited and up for it as they are. Its a very selfish thing to do actually. While its nice to be able to celebrate and have a laugh with your friends, its best to do it so its convenient for everyone, including yourself. Too much hassle at the end of the day

JC 2K3 · 30-05-2008 04:52PM

It's probably not in anyway a good reason, but I don't like the idea of marriage, settling down and having kids because it seems so mundane, so ordinary...

At the same time I also realise that if I don't, I could well end up a very unhappy, single old person.

Thinking about things like this kinda scares me actually.

One thing is for sure, however. If I ever do get marriage, it won't be in a church and I would not like a massive occasion with everyone who's ever had the smallest bit of contact with me invited.

ScumLord · 30-05-2008 04:52PM

I thought it was up to the stag party to organise where their going. I didn't think the groom/bride got any say in it.

boogle · 30-05-2008 04:55PM

Dudess wrote: »

I don't think anyone's saying they want to be alone for life, but they might not want to have kids. And they might not want to settle down until their late 30s or 40s.

I get that, but what I'm saying is that by rejecting marriage while you're young and attractive enough to get a decent man/woman, you might be dooming youself to spinsterhood down the line. I know it won't happen to everybody, but I think it could happen to a good few people in later years.

I don't want to come across as if I'm trying to tell people "Get married! NOW! Before it's too late!!!" or anything:p My point is just that marriage is not the negative life-ruiner that a lot of younger people (especially) men perceive it to be. Aside from the romance and love and all that stuff, marriage serves an important social purpose for elderly people. Also, the children issue, I know a couple of married couples who have agreed that they're not having kids. Mutual thing.

boogle · 30-05-2008 05:00PM

JC 2K3 wrote: »

It's probably not in anyway a good reason, but I don't like the idea of marriage, settling down and having kids because it seems so mundane, so ordinary...

At the same time I also realise that if I don't, I could well end up a very unhappy, single old person.

Thinking about things like this kinda scares me actually.

One thing is for sure, however. If I ever do get marriage, it won't be in a church and I would not like a massive occasion with everyone who's ever had the smallest bit of contact with me invited.

I totally agree with you. But if you perceive that marriage is going to be dull and mundane, then naturally you're going to be reluctant about it! Many men think that marriage and a big, expensive, elaborate wedding day have to go together. They don't. If people could separate marriage from the wedding day, theres a lot of the cons associated with marriage gone altogether.

Dudess · 30-05-2008 05:02PM

boogle wrote: »

I get that, but what I'm saying is that by rejecting marriage while you're young and attractive enough to get a decent man/woman, you might be dooming youself to spinsterhood down the line. I know it won't happen to everybody, but I think it could happen to a good few people in later years.

But this isn't about living together, it's about marriage. Nobody's gonna turn down a great guy/girl just because the idea of marriage scares them. I think marriage has its advantages from a financial point of view - end of. Other than that, I don't see why, to use the cliche, a piece of paper has to demonstrate a couple's commitment to each other. But yeah, from the financial perspective it's practical, so I'd marry but I'd be in no rush to. And I'd like to have kids but that wouldn't be enough of a reason for me to marry either. Living together would be enough on that score - in my opinion anyway.

Dudess · 30-05-2008 05:07PM

ScumLord wrote: »

I thought it was up to the stag party to organise where their going. I didn't think the groom/bride got any say in it.

Well that's probably a tradition but not everyone follows it. My mate had hers in Cork which wasn't a good idea as it just turned into any Saturday night out in Cork so it didn't feel like a special occasion. I think one night away within the country is a great idea, but going abroad - or even staying in Ireland but more than one night away: ludicrous.
Christ the wedding is only one night!

I've heard of a number of hen weekends in New York, a stag in Italy, and a hen week in Egypt. And none of the people getting married actually lived in these places.

boogle · 30-05-2008 05:08PM

Dudess wrote: »

Nobody's gonna turn down a great guy/girl just because the idea of marriage scares them.

I know two people (women) who have done just that. And they're not alone.

They're respective excuses were "I'm too young for marriage" (she was 28 at the time, and is now single and 33. The other woman turned her proposal down because "marriage ruins your relationship", well she ended that relationship when he proposed(wtf?) and now lives with some other guy!

Dudess · 30-05-2008 05:13PM

I'm not talking about being freaked by a proposal, I'm talking about avoiding being in relationships in case marriage enters the equation. That seems to be what you were referring to in your first post.

30-05-2008 05:22PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

What do you mean? I don't think all women want to get married.

Between the lack of "why do women want to get married" and your asking "do guys only get married because their gfs make them" implied such to me ^^

GirlInterrupted · 30-05-2008 05:28PM

bobmeaney wrote: »

........The amount of b0lloxology that goes on with the church, dresses, hotel, honeymoon and sh1te is unreal. I would hazard a guess that most girls see the wedding day as a very important part of the marriage package. Theres No denying the spiritual and personal side of it, but come on like, 1000's for a day so that 250 cnuts can eat and get p1ssed at your expense?

If I ever get married, and its a possibility, it will be on the quiet in a registrars office and no one will know until it's done. I'm not interested in the big expensive do and the frock and all that, it's the marraige thats important, not the wedding. The girls who spend years planning their "big day" need to get things in perspective because it's the biggest waste of money ever, and in 24 hours, its over and the rest of your life looms and why would you want to start it having blown a fortune on a party?

boogle · 30-05-2008 05:29PM

Dudess wrote: »

I'm not talking about being freaked by a proposal, I'm talking about avoiding being in relationships in case marriage enters the equation. That seems to be what you were referring to in your first post.

I see your point, they are two different issues. Maybe its relationship-dodgers in general and not just-marriage dodgers that I should have been talking about from the beginning

But I suppose at the end of the day, if you talk to a bunch of 70 year-olds in 30 years time, the ones who are married will be the ones most likely to be still in couples, not ones in 'relationships'. I think there's something about making the commitment of marriage that gives a better chance of longetivy in a relationship, and so a better chance of having someone when you're older. God I sould like an old hag

DanGerMus · 30-05-2008 06:22PM

"Of Course i do dear i'm just not in the right place financially or emotionally right now, i'm just not ready, but eventually we will i promise"

"I know we've been living together for 5 years but i don't feel we know each other well enough yet, lets give it another five"

"what with the fishing season starting up it's just not going to happen i'll be too busy, maybe next year, now go make me some tea and sandwiches"

CathyMoran · 31-05-2008 11:12AM

My husband was always the one who wanted to get married and I kept delaying him. It was the cause of a lot of rows. In the end of the day we managed a small intimate inexpensive wedding which did turn out to be one of the best days of my life much to my suprise. Saying that being married is far more wonderful. I think that marriage confers a lot of benefits to both sides as long as it is done for the right reason (love and mutual respect).

Oswald Osbourne · 31-05-2008 11:35AM

If you want to know what men really want then watch the new Indiana jones movie.

Men want to : Travel the world seeking adventure, bag loads feisty women, pop out a few sprogs which they have to have absolutely no responsibility for. Then when they get too old for that THEN marry (when they're about 65 and the kid has grown up and left home).

Nice.

constitutionus · 31-05-2008 11:56AM

StormWarrior wrote: »

Or do they just agree to it because society/their girlfriends expect it? Wouldn't you rather spend your life playing the field?

you cant really generalise (no matter how much fun it is

) but i have to confess that the "agreeing to it because of the girlfriend/society " preasure thing strikes a cord with me.
i know two guys, one of whoms getting married next year, who did / are doing so because its what they reckon is expected of them now in a "**** or get off the pot" kind of way.

TBH i dont hold out much hope for em as pretty much all the people i know that got married are either seperated or divorced now. another guy i know wanted the whole marriage and kids things for as long as ive known him and he was never the womanising type. suffice to when he did get married the girl wanted to concentrate on her career instead. so it was a divorce there too.

it doesnt necessairly mean if you dont want to get married that you want to play the field. some people just dont like being tied down or indeed have TOO much to lose by risking it.

personally im a nutter magnet so im quite happy to remain single and take things as they come. ive NEVER wanted kids and dont see that changing as i like the freedom of being able to do what i want, when i want, without consequences. you have to have your act together if your a parent. and you have to take someone else's opinion into consideration if your married.

of course the rampant teenage totty has NOTHING to do with it

and yes i know this makes me a dirty old man at this stage but guess what? "come back to my HOUSE"beats "want a shag in the back of my CAR" any day of the week

JangoFett · 31-05-2008 02:16PM

I used to want marraige and kids, and I thought I had found someone I could do that with. I was 21, and obviously very naive, VERY naive!

We were in a good relationship as I thought, I was totally commited to her. And then one day she flipped out, and went crazy. Not like, shouting and throwing things cuz I did something crazy, I mean, she ended up in psychiatric care crazy! Why you ask? Well, she claims she had a miscarraige, and she never told me she was pregnant in the first place. We used condoms, and not one condom split on us, hell, her period was regular, I watched them closely. Then she started accusing me of cheating on her with one of my best friends, she even thought I was cheating on her with another man for a few days. I'm not gay and not bisexual so that was crazy. We were living together...she kicked me out and broke up with me over nothing. And then she tried to kill herself a few times and every time she would text or ring me and I'd have to either go to her house or get one of her friends to go to her place. After a while I started to think she cheated on me, still do

My point is, because of this girl I am now afraid of commitment. The typical male Cliché but before her commitment wasn't a problem for me. And now it terrifies me, because of her.

Because of this woman I don't want marraige anymore and as for kids, no way man, they'd get caught up in a relationship going wrong, potentially. I am going to be "The Cool Uncle", ya know that uncle you think is the coolest guy in the world...thats gonna be me!

One of my female friends said that I was "ruined" by that girl. In the sense that a guy who wasn't afraid to commit and never strayed was now terrified of commitment and just wanted to ride anyone he could.

towel401 · 31-05-2008 02:23PM

want marriage. NO KIDS. fuuking hate the little ****s. all they do is cry and ****, and then **** some more.

Wibbs · 31-05-2008 02:59PM

JangoFett wrote: »

My point is, because of this girl I am now afraid of commitment. The typical male Cliché but before her commitment wasn't a problem for me. And now it terrifies me, because of her.

Because of this woman I don't want marraige anymore and as for kids, no way man, they'd get caught up in a relationship going wrong, potentially. I am going to be "The Cool Uncle", ya know that uncle you think is the coolest guy in the world...thats gonna be me!

One of my female friends said that I was "ruined" by that girl. In the sense that a guy who wasn't afraid to commit and never strayed was now terrified of commitment and just wanted to ride anyone he could.

I gotta say that I kinda went through that one myself. Was in a serious relationship with someone I thought was kind and unselfish and then found out she was quite the opposite.

Didn't get into anything serious for years. Flings and flingettes were the order of the day. They bring their own issues of course.

Then I did jump in again, I figured that it was bloody stupid of me and wasteful to tar all with the same brush so fell again hook line and sinker. Rinse and repeat. Now it takes two to tango and I couldn't be blameless in any split, but I am very wary now.

From my male point of view I have found that the women in my life so far were emotionally fluid, frequently emotionally confused and loyalty was based on what I brought to the relationship. Loyalty was a biggy. I've had exes of mine keep in very intimate contact with me down the line while keeping it a secret from their current lovers is but one example. Now to be fair I could just be unconsciously going for a certain type. I can't see the clear pattern myself but... I've got a few very close female mates and as mates they're really good, but I've seen the bs they put lovers through. BS that hey wouldn't dream of pulling with me as a friend.

At my age(40) I've seen enough both in my own life and others to believe that good healthy relationships are few and far between. Sad to say, I can think of about 3 or 4 I've known over the years that I would like to be in longterm.

I blame many things and both genders too. The first thing I blame is self centeredness without self knowledge, self esteem and boundaries. That I would say is the biggest cause of failures and bad relationships. Lack of patience and daft expectations are another.

Dudess · 31-05-2008 03:03PM

Wibbs wrote: »

At my age(40) I've seen enough both in my own life and others to believe that good healthy relationships are few and far between. Sad to say, I can think of about 3 or 4 I've known over the years that I would like to be in longterm.

+1

JangoFett · 31-05-2008 03:06PM

There's a girl I was seeing last year and she wanted a relationship and I was terrified of one and it kind messed with her head cuz I was really into her in a big way but relationship talk gave me panic attacks.

Once I'm over it I want to be with her though

Earthhorse · 31-05-2008 04:56PM

JangoFett wrote: »

her period was regular, I watched them closely.

That's probably what drove her over the edge.

JangoFett wrote: »

My point is, because of this girl I am now afraid of commitment. The typical male Cliché...

I think in your case, we'll make an exeption.

On a serious note, I do hope you manage to get past that. A bad relationship, particularly an extreme one, can sour anyone. Obviously not all women are like that and not all relationships will pan out like that. Just give yourself time.

DublinWriter · 31-05-2008 06:22PM

If by marriage you mean beer, and if by kids you mean pizza, then yes, men really want marriage and kids.

Do men actually want marriage and kids?

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