we detest flatmate's gf - should we say anything..?

LegacyUser · 29-05-2008 11:29AM #1

OK, this is all even a bit more complicated than the title

basically we all live in a big shared house, my flatmate is there the longest, over 3 years, I'm there nearly 3 years and then 2 more flatmates there for 2 years so we all know each other well.

As long as I'd known him (let's call him Dave) he was in a long distance relationship with a girl, she seemed pleasant enough. The when she ended up staying here for a couple of summers a few problems came to light (and me and my other 2 flatmates agree on this)

1. she's a complete headwrecker
2. she never stops talking and doesn't make a whole lot of sense with what she does come out with
3. her voice is incredibly annoying (probably partly the accent and partly the non-sensical stuff she comes out with)
4. as flatmates go she is probably the least tidy, doesn't clean up after herself some of the time (admittedly these might be minor enough crimes if it wasn't for the other stuff)

in her defence she is technically very pretty though I could never look at her in that way and has a professional degree which would usually sugest very high intelligence but there hasn't been much evidence of that from hearing what she says (even what she says in relation to her profession)

so me and my other 2 flatmates are wondering should we tell "Dave" what we think of her, is there any point? I suppose we thought at this point (oh and I forgot to mention she has been stayin in the house now for over 6 months......) they might have broken up seen as the distance thing might have bcome too close

Dave doesn't seem over the moon in the relationship but I couldn't say he seems unhappy either

now they are both looking for a place (after we suggested we really really can't live with a couple and this was very difficult to say cos Dave has been in the house the longest although we had stressed fro day 1 that having a couple in the house was very much short term)

one of our old flatmates was over last week and says Dave seems a bit hurt by the fact that we are apparently forcing him out of the house, truth is we want him to stay but just can't live with the gf anymore.

any thoughts?

RedXIV · 29-05-2008 11:59AM

Sorry man, but personally i'd just leave it. Especially if he'd been there longer than the rest of us. Thats just me though, if she was wrecking my head i'd spend less time in the house

Meathlass · 29-05-2008 12:04PM

I just say to him that it's not on having a couple in the house. It's not what any of ye signed up for. That way you're not making it personal towards her and hurting his feelings. Hope she's at least paying rent.

AARRRGH · 29-05-2008 12:40PM

Flatmateprob wrote: »

now they are both looking for a place (after we suggested we really really can't live with a couple and this was very difficult to say cos Dave has been in the house the longest although we had stressed fro day 1 that having a couple in the house was very much short term)

I think you're being totally reasonable.

Any new people moving in have to be approved by the entire house, and the "we don't want to live with a couple" is a valid argument IMO.

He has said it was short term, so either they move out or she moves out.

Just keep up a small bit of consistent pressure...

Plek Trum · 29-05-2008 12:51PM

Oh dear.. been there done that. I can fully appreciate how something like this affects an entire household and causes tension and frustration. Maybe over a pint somenight enquire with Dave how their househunting is going (casually) and mention that ye will miss him about the place "But sure that'a all part of growing up I guess.. meeting new people and partners and moving on.. keep in touch with us though..we really liked house sharing with you but things are cramped a bit.."

Dagon · 29-05-2008 02:10PM

OP, could you please elaborate more on the following:
1. she's a complete headwrecker
2. she never stops talking and doesn't make a whole lot of sense with what she does come out with
3. her voice is incredibly annoying (probably partly the accent and partly the non-sensical stuff she comes out with)

So please give us more of an idea of what kind of girl she is by giving examples, etc.

I used to be in a situation similar to this, and could offer advice on how to handle if this girl does decide to stay.

Abi · 29-05-2008 02:25PM

Flatmateprob wrote: »

1. she's a complete headwrecker
2. she never stops talking and doesn't make a whole lot of sense with what she does come out with
3. her voice is incredibly annoying (probably partly the accent and partly the non-sensical stuff she comes out with)
4. as flatmates go she is probably the least tidy, doesn't clean up after herself some of the time (admittedly these might be minor enough crimes if it wasn't for the other stuff)

^^ Those things might annoy you, but its Dave thats going out with her.

so me and my other 2 flatmates are wondering should we tell "Dave" what we think of her, is there any point?

Absolutely not. Not unless you want to create a bad atmosphere in the house. That can be very uncomfortable in a house full of people..

(oh and I forgot to mention she has been stayin in the house now for over 6 months......)

Is she paying for her keep? Im sure when the room was advertised it didnt stipulate that a couple was needed, no?
He or she should have been coughing up extra for electric, heat etc.

Dave doesn't seem over the moon in the relationship but I couldn't say he seems unhappy either

Again, this is Daves issue. He will only react badly unless he has been thinking heavily about splitting up with her. Doesnt seem that way if they are..

now they are both looking for a place

The problem is nearly resolved if this is true. I wouldnt make any waves at all. Let them couple up and head off into the sunset. Whether you like Dave or not, you still have to treat them as a package.

partyguinness · 29-05-2008 02:36PM

I think you should keep your opinions of her to yourself until well after they break up...I have been renting places for over 10 yrs and you should absolutely tell him that having her in the house on a long term basis is not working..be at pains to point out it is to do with space etc and nothing personal and just highlight how having an extra person in the house is cramping the place. If your buddy is a reasonable guy he will understand

LegacyUser · 29-05-2008 02:57PM

OP here again,

thanks for all the replies

I think we have finally dealt with the fact that the couple can't stay in the house - this did involve multiple broken deadlines eg. it was supposed to be for 2 months MAXIMUM initially, then 7 months on we had to have a house meeting (a few weeks ago) to further point out our difficulties. All the time stressing it was nothing personal just a "no couples" thing

And by the way, she's paid rent all along (well except the summers she's stayed here.....) and has taken a room where she keeps some of her stuff so it's not about overcrowding

they are apparently looking but I think last time they half-looked they said they couldn't afford to get a place on their own and would have to move into a sharing house with other people (just like ours...hmm)

as against couples as I am they are not actually very "couply" and if it wasn't for her own personality traits we may even have just put up with it

It's hard to define in more detail why she's such a head-wrecker but myself and my 2 flatmates feel the exact same about her and she's been living with us for a total of a year I suppose all in (including summers etc) so I don't think any advice on how to put up with someone like this is gonna help us much but thanks for offering!

Also, the fact that we dislike her would probably come as a complete surprise to either Dave or his gf

My 2 (female) flatmates are thinking, well Dave is a great guy, he could have any girl (well within reason, and they wouldn't be after him or anything!) and think it'd be a shame if he moves out and in 6 months time (or less) realises he hates his his gf at which point his room will be gone and he'll be out in the cold

well, they don't seem crazy in love and possibly sleep in separate rooms at least half the time (though I'm not 100% sure about this)

OK, I know what I'll do; next time it's just me and him, quiet coffee or pint, will try and test the water of his happiness in relationship, if he's expressing doubts I may say that we find it hard to live with her etc etc and may expand on that, if he's completely happy I'll say nothing. Thanks again!

Daisygirl · 29-05-2008 03:11PM

I feel for you and your housemates... I've been in a very similar situation, thankfully no longer. Like ye, we got on with the guy, but the girl was a bit annoying... she started staying a couple of weekends, then before we knew it she was a permanent fixture. A few high bills came in and not even a suggestion of her paying towards them was mentioned and we had to fork out on more than one occasion to pay them, even though she was in college and spent most of her days/weekends in the house especially during winter!! She never paid towards rent either, but as much as we had feelings towards them both, we never said, as long as he was happy that was the main thing, ganging up on him 3 against 1 - we would have lost a friend. They've since moved out and are getting married.
I agree that something should be said but only in the context of "house sharing" as whether you like the girl or not you can't alter his feelings towards her. Having people house share is very tricky but if I had my time back then I would definitely have brought up the bills, extra people living in the house etc at the end of the day everyone should pay equally and if there is conflict in the house it should be mentioned as we all want to live ina happy environment most places have a rule of 1 adult per room.

kevmy · 29-05-2008 03:15PM

Flatmateprob wrote: »

1. she's a complete headwrecker
2. she never stops talking and doesn't make a whole lot of sense with what she does come out with
3. her voice is incredibly annoying (probably partly the accent and partly the non-sensical stuff she comes out with)

in her defence she is technically very pretty though I could never look at her in that way and has a professional degree which would usually sugest very high intelligence but there hasn't been much evidence of that from hearing what she says (even what she says in relation to her profession)

All of these things are annoying to you and your mates but are all what I would call personal ie. nothing to do with house issues or even really your mate. Do not mention these to your mate.

Flatmateprob wrote: »

4. as flatmates go she is probably the least tidy, doesn't clean up after herself some of the time (admittedly these might be minor enough crimes if it wasn't for the other stuff)

This is house related and if the house is getting cramped this can be added in as a kind of 'the place is getting cramped and it's more difficult to look after, clean up' but again don't outright balme her

Flatmateprob wrote: »

so me and my other 2 flatmates are wondering should we tell "Dave" what we think of her, is there any point? I suppose we thought at this point (oh and I forgot to mention she has been stayin in the house now for over 6 months......) they might have broken up seen as the distance thing might have bcome too close

Don't tell Dave if she hasn't substantially changed his outlook on life or is really taking advantage of him. Unless the relationship is ruining him (and not small changes which come with any relationship) and he can't see it keep quite. Ask his other friends and family how they feel. If everyone is of the opinion that he is getting treated badly then maybe think of acting. Otherwise keep your mouth shut because it's just personal between you and this girl and has nothing really to do with Dave

Flatmateprob wrote: »

now they are both looking for a place (after we suggested we really really can't live with a couple and this was very difficult to say cos Dave has been in the house the longest although we had stressed fro day 1 that having a couple in the house was very much short term)

Again leave it at this but keep telling him if he could work out a way to stay it'd be great. Or how ye'll miss him. Or a I hope you don't go to far type of thing. Basically don't mention her and make sure he knows it's not because of him just pure living arrangements.

partyguinness · 29-05-2008 03:18PM

In terms of bills, rent etc it is imperative to say it as soon as possible.

My ex-g/friend moved in with me for the summer a few years ago and I made it perfectly clear to her that she would be paying rent and contributing to bills..she had no problem whatsoever with that...its important to set out the grounf rules asap

Pigletlover · 29-05-2008 03:24PM

Say nothing, you've already told Dave that he and his girlfriend have to go, you don't want to make things worse by getting personal and telling hime you can't stand his girlfriend. Maybe drop some subtle hints - tell him that you seen somewhere that would be perfect for the two of them.

TheForeSkins · 29-05-2008 03:27PM

It seems to be that your main problem is that you cant stand this girl because you are not on her wavelength. Shes obviously a different person to the people you normally associate with and I think you simply have to accept that, and accept shes apart of the flat, until she decides otherwise or your mate breaks it off with her. you have personal complaints against her personality, nothing else, from what I can see.

valleyoftheunos · 29-05-2008 04:07PM

OP I think you should keep your feelings to yourself.

The issues concerning the house sharing are essentially resolved now that they are moving out, that you and the other flatmates dont like her is your own issue.

if you reveal your feelings about her to him the likelyhood is that he will be hurt, particularly as you have felt this way for some time. It could cost you his friendship. Who he goes out with is his choice. Your desire to seperate them is motivated by your own concerns not concerns for him.

Being frank I think you are pushing them out on somewhat tenuous grounds considering that she pays rent and has her own room, she has a legitimate place in the houseshare.

I've been in an almost identical situation myself and we all felt that it wasn't our place to say anything as we weren't going out with the Headwrecker in question. They moved out eventually and now a year or two later we are all good friends and the headwrecker doesn't wreck our heads.

Overheal · 29-05-2008 04:21PM

I'll be blunt,

Flatmateprob wrote: »

1. she's a complete headwrecker
2. she never stops talking and doesn't make a whole lot of sense with what she does come out with
3. her voice is incredibly annoying (probably partly the accent and partly the non-sensical stuff she comes out with)
4. as flatmates go she is probably the least tidy, doesn't clean up after herself some of the time (admittedly these might be minor enough crimes if it wasn't for the other stuff)

1. everyone is at the best of times
2. that could be anyone. I love the awl gibberish
3. again, hello
4. your shit stinks too. Anyway if you want horror stories just search after hours for 'flatmate' and read what comes up. I've heard everything from "recycling toilet paper" and beyond.

now they are both looking for a place (after we suggested we really really can't live with a couple and this was very difficult to say cos Dave has been in the house the longest although we had stressed fro day 1 that having a couple in the house was very much short term)

one of our old flatmates was over last week and says Dave seems a bit hurt by the fact that we are apparently forcing him out of the house, truth is we want him to stay but just can't live with the gf anymore.

any thoughts?

In short: If you are his friend, then tell him exactly what you think.

But yes, complicated. Very possible telling him will do more harm then good.

valleyoftheunos · 29-05-2008 05:37PM

Overheal wrote: »

In short: If you are his friend, then tell him exactly what you think.

But yes, complicated. Very possible telling him will do more harm then good.

OP, Its entirely his busness who he goes out with, While you may not like
his choice, if you're his friend you'll respect his decison and keep your opinions to yourself.

dudara · 29-05-2008 07:06PM

My 2 (female) flatmates are thinking, well Dave is a great guy, he could have any girl (well within reason, and they wouldn't be after him or anything!) and think it'd be a shame if he moves out and in 6 months time (or less) realises he hates his his gf at which point his room will be gone and he'll be out in the cold

well, they don't seem crazy in love and possibly sleep in separate rooms at least half the time (though I'm not 100% sure about this)

I don't know if I'm reading this correctly, but you appear to have more of a problem with her being suitable girlfriend material for him rather than the flatsharing problems.

Make sure your motivations for doing anything are honest.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2008 07:39PM

dudara you're right, well I think we have 2 different issues, one is the domestic situation and the other is with his choice of gf

the problem is now, while they are looking for a place (And I saw a rough shortlist of alaces left out - one costing 50% more than their combined current rents....) there is definitely a lot of tension around the house

it's not really about space cos it's a big place. And as I said they are not the most couply so "Dave" I'm thinking is feeling a bit hard done by seeing as he's been here the longest and the couple aspect of their relationship isn't altering the dynamics of the house much and we're saying that's the reason they have to move out. When in fact it's because we can't live with her anymore...

And never wanted her to move in. And the 3 of us are actually very surprised they are still together after he has been exposed to her for such a long period oftime and not justa long disctance thing.

But I'm not going to interfere in the gf thing now. It's just making us look like complete pr*cks kicking him out when he doesn't realise the problems we have with her.

dav nagle · 29-05-2008 08:31PM

'OP' Do you fancy Dave? He sounds like an attractive kind of dude from what I have read? It might sound ridiculous so I apologize in advance if I have misunderstood you?

seahorse · 29-05-2008 09:51PM

dudara wrote: »

I don't know if I'm reading this correctly, but you appear to have more of a problem with her being suitable girlfriend material for him rather than the flatsharing problems.

That's the exact impression I got too.

OP, I cannot imagine why you are involving yourself in your friends personal business like this. You've said you have issues with "his choice of girlfriend"; I would understand that if you'd anything more concrete to offer than a bit of otherwise inoffensive untidiness and an annoying voice!

How would you feel if your friend demanded that you all move out because you had an issue with his partner? You should consider that some people would feel entitled to do that, had they been the tenant renting a property longest.

Their relationship is their own business and by the sounds of it their new home soon will be too. I think you may have trashed a friendship here. I seriously doubt your friend will thank you for this, regardless what happens with his relationship.

LegacyUser · 30-05-2008 03:08AM

seahorse wrote: »

That's the exact impression I got too.

OP, I cannot imagine why you are involving yourself in your friends personal business like this. You've said you have issues with "his choice of girlfriend"; I would understand that if you'd anything more concrete to offer than a bit of otherwise inoffensive untidiness and an annoying voice!

How would you feel if your friend demanded that you all move out because you had an issue with his partner? You should consider that some people would feel entitled to do that, had they been the tenant renting a property longest.

Their relationship is their own business and by the sounds of it their new home soon will be too. I think you may have trashed a friendship here. I seriously doubt your friend will thank you for this, regardless what happens with his relationship.

OK, let's go back to November of last year, when Dave very tentatively asked us all individually if we'd mind if his gf moved in.
The reply was, well, yes we mind, this house is not for couples, but on a strictly speaking short term basis we can put up with it, but let's make a deadline of end of January

come to middle of January and I (and it wasn't easy to do) ask Dave what's the story with the whole gf still living with us thing. He seemed surpriesed we had a problem, said they were waiting to hear about her potential job to see what happens, 4 months on we have to have a house meeting to try and sort this stuff out again

sorry but should I have to put up with living with someone I never wanted to live with and stated that clearly from before day 1 of her coming into the house........?

as regards "choice of gf" well, sure he can do what he wants gf wise. And no I don't fancy him, I prefer girls. But right now he just thinks we're being pr*cks for forcing them out but how can I tell him it's because we hate his gf...? answer is, and I've gone over this a million times in past few days, I just can't. But I don't know if i can't not tell him either. God, this is a pain in the hole!

Monkey61 · 30-05-2008 12:00PM

Hang on a second - you've been friends with Dave for three years and now you are kicking him out of your house because you personally don't like his girlfriend???

Is it just me, or is that a horrible thing to do? You are pretending it is a "no couples" thing, even though the house is big and she's paying rent. So if you liked her you wouldn't be kicking them out?

I'm sorry but you sound like awful people. And it's not like it's your house either.

Yes I think you should tell him that you are kicking him out because his girlfriend is a "headwrecker" and let him see how unreasonable and awful you are. I think he'll be better off with her and without you.

LegacyUser · 30-05-2008 08:04PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

Hang on a second - you've been friends with Dave for three years and now you are kicking him out of your house because you personally don't like his girlfriend???

Is it just me, or is that a horrible thing to do? You are pretending it is a "no couples" thing, even though the house is big and she's paying rent. So if you liked her you wouldn't be kicking them out?

we're not kicking him out, it is the couple thing we don't want. Particularly the fact that she is part of the couple. But we don't want any couple. We're happy for him to stay but don't want to live with her, never did and said that all along.

Previously (when it was just me and Dave from the current people living here) we had a problem when someone moved their bf in within weeks of moving in. We (Dave included) made a point of saying from then on to anyone moving in that this was not a house for couples.

And while the house is relatively big it's still a small kitchen, one TV room etc so it is small in that sense.

I do accept that I have no business in my friend's "choice of gf" and am not going to do/say anything about that. He's big enough to make his own mistakes, and they could be happy forever for all I know. I am doubtful though.

If the roles were reversed, well, I couldn't see myself ever moving a girlfriend into a shared house against the wishes of flatmates, her staying longer than promised and then getting pissed off about the reaction to this

we detest flatmate's gf - should we say anything..?

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