Wedding - kids not asked

Redpunto · 16-04-2008 06:16PM #1

Hi, My friend is getting married and I assumed that my 2 small ones would be invited as they have small nieces and nephews. Anyhows....got the invite and they are not invited. Prob is that its the little ones bday the same day as the wedding and I was thinking thats ok, we;ll go to the wedding and have her bday on a different day but i seriously dont think i could or would be able to leave the small one on her birthday. ANother prob is that we would have noone to babysit them and itd be an overnight thing as its in a different county. HAvent a clue what to do. Would it be really rude to bring the subject up with my friend and ask her about it?

channaigh · 16-04-2008 06:23PM

why don't you ring the hotel see if they have a babysitting service

bren2002 · 16-04-2008 06:24PM

It's not an unusual request, for lots of reasons.

Some people don't like kids or just don't want them at a particular event. they add an overhead to a wedding - meals, entertainment, running around etc. Personally i'd lean away from kids at my wedding.

But your case is tough, same day as the kids birthday. Tough choice, but I wouldn't ask the couple. I'd simply decline the invite, your kids are more important than their piss up. Or you try and balance things, kids party at home then zoom down to the Afters.

uoluol · 16-04-2008 06:27PM

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Redpunto · 16-04-2008 06:30PM

uoluol wrote: »

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Nope,,,,we surely dont have anyone to mind our children for a whole day and night. Secondly, from where in my post did i give you the impression that its all about my children. Its her wedding, her decision, just asking people's opinion as whether to bring the subject up with her or not?

jon1981 · 16-04-2008 06:32PM

i was at a wedding once with lots of small kids. totally ruined the church ceremony. even in the wedding video its all you could hear. id never ever invite kids along to my wedding. with enough notice parents should be able to arrange suitable care for the night.

p.s i wouldnt put her in that position because chances are she has made a general rule about kids, and other guests might be annoyed if your kids are an exception

RedXIV · 16-04-2008 06:33PM

uoluol wrote: »

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

finbarrk · 16-04-2008 06:33PM

I wouldn't bring up the subject, if she wanted the kids there she would have asked them.
Skip the mass and meal, have the birthday party and go to the afters maybe.

bren2002 · 16-04-2008 06:36PM

As I've said, I wouldn't. They have probably thought about this a lot (especially as you say they nieces & nephews) and have come to this decision.

Plus if your kids are there, there will be definite tension in the family as to why the other kids were not invited.

DetectivFoxtrot · 16-04-2008 06:37PM

sounds like you have a choice - make necessary arrangements and attend or decline the invitation. Neither is unreasonable and I'm sure your friend would understand if you chose the latter. I think it would be unfair to bring this up with your friend and very innapropriate. Remember he/she could be on a budget and literally can't afford to have all and sundry in attendance, or else as other posters have said, they may not want children there.

My best friend is getting married in August. No kids are invited as she's trying to stick to a budget. People have raised it with her very blatantly and now she stressed about it and thinks people will think she's 'scabby'. tbh I think it's selfish and disgraceful that people have raised it and although she's sticking to her guns I know deep down it has affected her. At the end of the day it's her day so she can do what the hell she likes, same goes for anyone getting married imo.

jon1981 · 16-04-2008 06:37PM

RedXIV wrote: »

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

you would really change your view on that if your wedding video was ruined and you could hear anything but kids screaming in the church

Overheal · 16-04-2008 06:40PM

I'd mention it, if only so they can help you find a minder.

As for bringing them I can just imagine it will turn into an attention seeking contest of 'Its my birthday and ill cry if I want to.' if not more.

I don't care what age you are either: if its a wedding you will have access to alcohol

Theres a lot of snags like that to consider.

Best hangover ever btw.

uoluol · 16-04-2008 06:42PM

Certainly don't want to argue - but - your friend did not ask your kids to his/her wedding - and I am assuming that no children are being invited. So why do you think it would be okay for there to be a special dispensation for your children to attend?

If you feel that you can't leave your kids for the day, I totally understand your position. But, I don't think you should ask your friend if they can attend, as the couple have obviously agreed between themselves to have an adult only celebration. I'd imagine they are under enough pressure as it is.

Whatever you decide to do, hope you enjoy your day:)

Chinafoot · 16-04-2008 06:44PM

It's certainly crappy timing but if it was me I'd be putting my child's birthday first.

Just explain to your friend that you won't be able to make it for this very reason. Family comes first tbh.

Redpunto · 16-04-2008 06:45PM

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

sounds like you have a choice - make necessary arrangements and attend or decline the invitation. Neither is unreasonable and I'm sure your friend would understand if you chose the latter. I think it would be unfair to bring this up with your friend and very innapropriate. Remember he/she could be on a budget and literally can't afford to have all and sundry in attendance, or else as other posters have said, they may not want children there.

My best friend is getting married in August. No kids are invited as she's trying to stick to a budget. People have raised it with her very blatantly and now she stressed about it and thinks people will think she's 'scabby'. tbh I think it's selfish and disgraceful that people have raised it and although she's sticking to her guns I know deep down it has affected her. At the end of the day it's her day so she can do what the hell she likes, same goes for anyone getting married imo.

Thats the thing, i dont want to upset or stress her out in any way and I know theyve prob made a decision to just ask the family kids along. Its my first friend to get married and I really want to be there as part of her day but like I said i couldnt be away all day from my little one on her birthday. Maybe will just try and get for the afters .....

Susannahmia · 16-04-2008 06:49PM

Redpunto wrote: »

Hi, My friend is getting married and I assumed that my 2 small ones would be invited as they have small nieces and nephews. Anyhows....got the invite and they are not invited. Prob is that its the little ones bday the same day as the wedding and I was thinking thats ok, we;ll go to the wedding and have her bday on a different day but i seriously dont think i could or would be able to leave the small one on her birthday. ANother prob is that we would have noone to babysit them and itd be an overnight thing as its in a different county. HAvent a clue what to do. Would it be really rude to bring the subject up with my friend and ask her about it?

A lot of people have child free weddings, I wouldn't mention it unless there are other children invited, even then I would be hesitant.

challengemaster · 16-04-2008 06:50PM

Chinafoot wrote: »

It's certainly crappy timing but if it was me I'd be putting my child's birthday first.

Just explain to your friend that you won't be able to make it for this very reason. Family comes first tbh.

I'd be with this - You only get married once, but you're only a kid once too. Your friend's had her childhood, let your kids have theirs

No harm to bring up the matter anyway - Just mention it, at the moment, you don't know if they can go or not. Just because it's not mentioned, doesn't mean they're not invited. Asking won't cost you anything.

johncm · 16-04-2008 06:55PM

i was at a wedding in december where the couple organised with the hotel a room for the kids with two babysitters. The room had a few toysand they also played the wii and could watch telly. it worked out great as the kids were delighted and the parents were able to relax and enoy the day.

SarahSassy · 16-04-2008 07:04PM

Well maybe as she is your good friend you alone could go to the church ceremony while Daddy looks afte the kids. That way you are there for the most important party and you wont be away all day.

I would not ask her if you can bring your kids. If she had wanted kids there she would have included them on the invite. I would not have any kids at my wedding.

the_syco · 16-04-2008 07:05PM

Redpunto wrote: »

Nope,,,,we surely dont have anyone to mind our children for a whole day and night.

How about just for the wedding? That means that you can goto the wedding, and then bring the child out to their birthday meal after.

Redpunto wrote: »

Secondly, from where in my post did i give you the impression that its all about my children. Its her wedding, her decision, just asking people's opinion as whether to bring the subject up with her or not?

In the bit where you ask should you ask her can you bring them, even though they are not invited.

=-=

Mate had his wedding recently. It was great. No kids were invited, though. None. Zip. A few families didn't turn up, which disappointed him, but he simply didn't have the funds to cater for them. 50+ at the ceremony, and about 200 at the meal. If kids were invited, it'd be 400+

spinandscribble · 16-04-2008 07:06PM

the bride and groom have alot on their plate right now i'd guess. ringing them to ask for your children to be excluded from the no child rule would be very rude. its their wedding you should work around them not the other way around.
maybe go to the mass or the afters but spend the other half of the day with your kid. it should be easy enough to find a baby sitter for the day.

Dudess · 16-04-2008 07:15PM

OP, you made an assumption that your friend would invite your children. Can't understand why. My mate got married recently and her sister didn't even bring her two-year-old - she got a friend to mind him.

Think back: what would you have planned if you hadn't made that assumption, or if you knew early on that your children wouldn't be invited?

DetectivFoxtrot · 16-04-2008 07:15PM

Redpunto wrote: »

Thats the thing, i dont want to upset or stress her out in any way and I know theyve prob made a decision to just ask the family kids along. Its my first friend to get married and I really want to be there as part of her day but like I said i couldnt be away all day from my little one on her birthday. Maybe will just try and get for the afters .....

take it from me, you will stress her out or anger her if you raise it and I know you don't want that.

I understand the predicament and it's an akward decision that you have to make, but you must make it nonetheless. I think your friend would appreciate you more at the actual wedding ceremony than the afters tho (if you had to choose one over the other as you mention above)

Toots · 16-04-2008 07:20PM

TBH, I think if she'd wanted to ask your kids along, they'd have been included on the invitation. I think it'd be rude to ask to bring them cos she'd probably feel bad then. I have loads of nieces and nephews but there's no way they'll be at my wedding when I have it cos A: there's every chance they'll just be running wild and ruin the day and B: it's just too expensive to have all extended family.

At the end of the day I think you need to respect their decision. Perhaps try getting to either the ceremony or the afters and spend the rest of the day with your child.

kizzyr · 16-04-2008 07:33PM

RedXIV wrote: »

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

As a girl I can say that I would never in a million years want children at my wedding.
OP I would say you have to make a decision to go to the wedding having found someone else to mind your children (really no one else at all can be found to mind them for the day?) and celebrate your child's birthday another day. OR you decline the invite and spend the day with your kids and do the birthday thing.

Slightly OT but I have to say I'm always amazed when people assume that their children will be invited to a wedding or why they would even want to bring them along.

Surely they require lots of minding during the day, go to bed early and can't be left on their own in the hotel room ........

TequilaMockingBird · 16-04-2008 07:38PM

Its tricky. I was in the same situation, except my boyfriend at the time was the Best Man. I knew there would be kids at the wedding as the couple had a girl the same age as mine who was obviosusly going. I was fairly miffed about it, but I got a babysitter for a few hours to attend the afters, I wish I hadn't bothered now though, there were kids everywhere.

If you are very close to your friend, I think she would known you have nobody to babysit, and probably could have mentioned it to you, as in will it be a problem etc.

Nevyn · 16-04-2008 07:54PM

jon1981 wrote: »

you would really change your view on that if your wedding video was ruined and you could hear anything but kids screaming in the church

Wow cos the video is so more important then having family there.

giddyup · 16-04-2008 08:42PM

I understand the point that it's an overnighter so babysitting is not an option. Rather than ask can you bring the kids just decline the invite. If this person is a good friend they will obviously ask why you are declining and then you can explain giving them an opportunity to do something for you. So you havent asked the question or forced the issue. Then it's up to them - do I really want X here more than I don't want X's kids here. If the answer is yes they'll say - ah sure just being them or we will help you organise a sitter, if the answer is no then you really know where you stand.

If I was in the same boat that's what I'd do. If they weren't willing to be flexible I'd have no problem staying at home with the kids. It's a difficult issue for some couples but given that it's their day I'd be inclined to give them the benfit of the doubt and be happy with whichever way they went.

jon1981 · 16-04-2008 08:51PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Wow cos the video is so more important then having family there.

by family you mean kids? sure they are too young to even know whats going on...last thing i want is the memory of the day to be drowned out by screaming kids

Nevyn · 16-04-2008 09:05PM

Photo album.

Shelli · 16-04-2008 09:07PM

Ask her if there is anyone going with whom you could share a babysitter in the hotel? I'm sure there are other people invited that are in the same position as you, especially if she has decided on having no kids there.

That way she will either say, "don't be silly, just bring them", or else she might know of someone who will be able to share a babysitter, and your not putting her in an awkward position.

Wedding - kids not asked

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