Wedding - kids not asked

Redpunto

Hi, My friend is getting married and I assumed that my 2 small ones would be invited as they have small nieces and nephews. Anyhows....got the invite and they are not invited. Prob is that its the little ones bday the same day as the wedding and I was thinking thats ok, we;ll go to the wedding and have her bday on a different day but i seriously dont think i could or would be able to leave the small one on her birthday. ANother prob is that we would have noone to babysit them and itd be an overnight thing as its in a different county. HAvent a clue what to do. Would it be really rude to bring the subject up with my friend and ask her about it?

channaigh

why don't you ring the hotel see if they have a babysitting service

bren2002

It's not an unusual request, for lots of reasons.

Some people don't like kids or just don't want them at a particular event. they add an overhead to a wedding - meals, entertainment, running around etc. Personally i'd lean away from kids at my wedding.

But your case is tough, same day as the kids birthday. Tough choice, but I wouldn't ask the couple. I'd simply decline the invite, your kids are more important than their piss up. Or you try and balance things, kids party at home then zoom down to the Afters.

uoluol

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Redpunto

uoluol wrote: »

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Nope,,,,we surely dont have anyone to mind our children for a whole day and night. Secondly, from where in my post did i give you the impression that its all about my children. Its her wedding, her decision, just asking people's opinion as whether to bring the subject up with her or not?

jon1981

i was at a wedding once with lots of small kids. totally ruined the church ceremony. even in the wedding video its all you could hear. id never ever invite kids along to my wedding. with enough notice parents should be able to arrange suitable care for the night.

p.s i wouldnt put her in that position because chances are she has made a general rule about kids, and other guests might be annoyed if your kids are an exception

RedXIV

uoluol wrote: »

You may not like this response - but it would be so rude to expect your kids to be present at your friends wedding. How old are they? I am not a fan of child friendly weddings. I have been to so many weddings were kids really ruined the day, shouting, screaming and running around. If your friend wanted YOUR children at her wedding she would have asked.

Surely someone can mind them for the day? And if they are small, then they wont know they are missing a birthday. And if they are really young, well then a wedding is no place for them - as it is difficult on little ones to stay quiet when it's necessary.

Remember- it's your friend's decision. Unfortunately, the focus will be on the wedding couple, who, quite sensibly in my opinion, have figured that you might appreciate a grown up day with other adults.

Don't mean to be harsh - but it's not all about your children.

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

finbarrk

I wouldn't bring up the subject, if she wanted the kids there she would have asked them.
Skip the mass and meal, have the birthday party and go to the afters maybe.

bren2002

As I've said, I wouldn't. They have probably thought about this a lot (especially as you say they nieces & nephews) and have come to this decision.

Plus if your kids are there, there will be definite tension in the family as to why the other kids were not invited.

DetectivFoxtrot

sounds like you have a choice - make necessary arrangements and attend or decline the invitation. Neither is unreasonable and I'm sure your friend would understand if you chose the latter. I think it would be unfair to bring this up with your friend and very innapropriate. Remember he/she could be on a budget and literally can't afford to have all and sundry in attendance, or else as other posters have said, they may not want children there.

My best friend is getting married in August. No kids are invited as she's trying to stick to a budget. People have raised it with her very blatantly and now she stressed about it and thinks people will think she's 'scabby'. tbh I think it's selfish and disgraceful that people have raised it and although she's sticking to her guns I know deep down it has affected her. At the end of the day it's her day so she can do what the hell she likes, same goes for anyone getting married imo.

jon1981

RedXIV wrote: »

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

you would really change your view on that if your wedding video was ruined and you could hear anything but kids screaming in the church

Overheal

I'd mention it, if only so they can help you find a minder.

As for bringing them I can just imagine it will turn into an attention seeking contest of 'Its my birthday and ill cry if I want to.' if not more.

I don't care what age you are either: if its a wedding you will have access to alcohol Theres a lot of snags like that to consider.

Best hangover ever btw.

uoluol

Certainly don't want to argue - but - your friend did not ask your kids to his/her wedding - and I am assuming that no children are being invited. So why do you think it would be okay for there to be a special dispensation for your children to attend?

If you feel that you can't leave your kids for the day, I totally understand your position. But, I don't think you should ask your friend if they can attend, as the couple have obviously agreed between themselves to have an adult only celebration. I'd imagine they are under enough pressure as it is.

Whatever you decide to do, hope you enjoy your day:)

Chinafoot

It's certainly crappy timing but if it was me I'd be putting my child's birthday first.

Just explain to your friend that you won't be able to make it for this very reason. Family comes first tbh.

Redpunto

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

sounds like you have a choice - make necessary arrangements and attend or decline the invitation. Neither is unreasonable and I'm sure your friend would understand if you chose the latter. I think it would be unfair to bring this up with your friend and very innapropriate. Remember he/she could be on a budget and literally can't afford to have all and sundry in attendance, or else as other posters have said, they may not want children there.

My best friend is getting married in August. No kids are invited as she's trying to stick to a budget. People have raised it with her very blatantly and now she stressed about it and thinks people will think she's 'scabby'. tbh I think it's selfish and disgraceful that people have raised it and although she's sticking to her guns I know deep down it has affected her. At the end of the day it's her day so she can do what the hell she likes, same goes for anyone getting married imo.

Thats the thing, i dont want to upset or stress her out in any way and I know theyve prob made a decision to just ask the family kids along. Its my first friend to get married and I really want to be there as part of her day but like I said i couldnt be away all day from my little one on her birthday. Maybe will just try and get for the afters .....

Susannahmia

Redpunto wrote: »

Hi, My friend is getting married and I assumed that my 2 small ones would be invited as they have small nieces and nephews. Anyhows....got the invite and they are not invited. Prob is that its the little ones bday the same day as the wedding and I was thinking thats ok, we;ll go to the wedding and have her bday on a different day but i seriously dont think i could or would be able to leave the small one on her birthday. ANother prob is that we would have noone to babysit them and itd be an overnight thing as its in a different county. HAvent a clue what to do. Would it be really rude to bring the subject up with my friend and ask her about it?

A lot of people have child free weddings, I wouldn't mention it unless there are other children invited, even then I would be hesitant.

challengemaster

Chinafoot wrote: »

It's certainly crappy timing but if it was me I'd be putting my child's birthday first.

Just explain to your friend that you won't be able to make it for this very reason. Family comes first tbh.

I'd be with this - You only get married once, but you're only a kid once too. Your friend's had her childhood, let your kids have theirs

No harm to bring up the matter anyway - Just mention it, at the moment, you don't know if they can go or not. Just because it's not mentioned, doesn't mean they're not invited. Asking won't cost you anything.

johncm

i was at a wedding in december where the couple organised with the hotel a room for the kids with two babysitters. The room had a few toysand they also played the wii and could watch telly. it worked out great as the kids were delighted and the parents were able to relax and enoy the day.

SarahSassy

Well maybe as she is your good friend you alone could go to the church ceremony while Daddy looks afte the kids. That way you are there for the most important party and you wont be away all day.

I would not ask her if you can bring your kids. If she had wanted kids there she would have included them on the invite. I would not have any kids at my wedding.

the_syco

Redpunto wrote: »

Nope,,,,we surely dont have anyone to mind our children for a whole day and night.

How about just for the wedding? That means that you can goto the wedding, and then bring the child out to their birthday meal after.

Redpunto wrote: »

Secondly, from where in my post did i give you the impression that its all about my children. Its her wedding, her decision, just asking people's opinion as whether to bring the subject up with her or not?

In the bit where you ask should you ask her can you bring them, even though they are not invited.

=-=

Mate had his wedding recently. It was great. No kids were invited, though. None. Zip. A few families didn't turn up, which disappointed him, but he simply didn't have the funds to cater for them. 50+ at the ceremony, and about 200 at the meal. If kids were invited, it'd be 400+

spinandscribble

the bride and groom have alot on their plate right now i'd guess. ringing them to ask for your children to be excluded from the no child rule would be very rude. its their wedding you should work around them not the other way around.
maybe go to the mass or the afters but spend the other half of the day with your kid. it should be easy enough to find a baby sitter for the day.

Dudess

OP, you made an assumption that your friend would invite your children. Can't understand why. My mate got married recently and her sister didn't even bring her two-year-old - she got a friend to mind him.

Think back: what would you have planned if you hadn't made that assumption, or if you knew early on that your children wouldn't be invited?

DetectivFoxtrot

Redpunto wrote: »

Thats the thing, i dont want to upset or stress her out in any way and I know theyve prob made a decision to just ask the family kids along. Its my first friend to get married and I really want to be there as part of her day but like I said i couldnt be away all day from my little one on her birthday. Maybe will just try and get for the afters .....

take it from me, you will stress her out or anger her if you raise it and I know you don't want that.

I understand the predicament and it's an akward decision that you have to make, but you must make it nonetheless. I think your friend would appreciate you more at the actual wedding ceremony than the afters tho (if you had to choose one over the other as you mention above)

Toots

TBH, I think if she'd wanted to ask your kids along, they'd have been included on the invitation. I think it'd be rude to ask to bring them cos she'd probably feel bad then. I have loads of nieces and nephews but there's no way they'll be at my wedding when I have it cos A: there's every chance they'll just be running wild and ruin the day and B: it's just too expensive to have all extended family.

At the end of the day I think you need to respect their decision. Perhaps try getting to either the ceremony or the afters and spend the rest of the day with your child.

kizzyr

RedXIV wrote: »

Whoa, i'd be completely against this approach. I'm not gonna pretend i have a massive knowledge of weddings or am planning one any time soon but if i WAS to get married and i invited my friends, i'd EXPECT em to bring the kids, even if it wasn't stated on the invite. if a friend rang to ask if it was ok, i'd be flattered they had the presumption to ask but i'd straight away invite them. might be different as a girl's view now but my 2 cents says ring and ask

As a girl I can say that I would never in a million years want children at my wedding.
OP I would say you have to make a decision to go to the wedding having found someone else to mind your children (really no one else at all can be found to mind them for the day?) and celebrate your child's birthday another day. OR you decline the invite and spend the day with your kids and do the birthday thing.

Slightly OT but I have to say I'm always amazed when people assume that their children will be invited to a wedding or why they would even want to bring them along. Surely they require lots of minding during the day, go to bed early and can't be left on their own in the hotel room ........

TequilaMockingBird

Its tricky. I was in the same situation, except my boyfriend at the time was the Best Man. I knew there would be kids at the wedding as the couple had a girl the same age as mine who was obviosusly going. I was fairly miffed about it, but I got a babysitter for a few hours to attend the afters, I wish I hadn't bothered now though, there were kids everywhere.

If you are very close to your friend, I think she would known you have nobody to babysit, and probably could have mentioned it to you, as in will it be a problem etc.

Nevyn

jon1981 wrote: »

you would really change your view on that if your wedding video was ruined and you could hear anything but kids screaming in the church

Wow cos the video is so more important then having family there.

giddyup

I understand the point that it's an overnighter so babysitting is not an option. Rather than ask can you bring the kids just decline the invite. If this person is a good friend they will obviously ask why you are declining and then you can explain giving them an opportunity to do something for you. So you havent asked the question or forced the issue. Then it's up to them - do I really want X here more than I don't want X's kids here. If the answer is yes they'll say - ah sure just being them or we will help you organise a sitter, if the answer is no then you really know where you stand.

If I was in the same boat that's what I'd do. If they weren't willing to be flexible I'd have no problem staying at home with the kids. It's a difficult issue for some couples but given that it's their day I'd be inclined to give them the benfit of the doubt and be happy with whichever way they went.

jon1981

Thaedydal wrote: »

Wow cos the video is so more important then having family there.

by family you mean kids? sure they are too young to even know whats going on...last thing i want is the memory of the day to be drowned out by screaming kids

Nevyn

Photo album.

Shelli

Ask her if there is anyone going with whom you could share a babysitter in the hotel? I'm sure there are other people invited that are in the same position as you, especially if she has decided on having no kids there.

That way she will either say, "don't be silly, just bring them", or else she might know of someone who will be able to share a babysitter, and your not putting her in an awkward position.

BeardyGit

I've no problem sharing our humble celebration with these noisy little parcels are they're the most precious of all people to those friends of ours who are in turn most dear to us. In the years to come I hope those who marry after us will grace us with the same understanding and support should they wish us to attend their wedding, or I would most likely decline the invitation.

At my own wedding in August we're going to have plenty of toddlers making their mark on our other guests. They'll most likely need feeding at all stages of the day, changing, a little cry here and there....The video I'm sure will chronicle the outbursts and hurried footsteps of a parent or two making a hurried break for the exit and a bottle/nappy.

It's what comes with having friends who will quite rightly put their children first and foremost....dare I say it, even before our big day.

I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.....

Gil

Abi

Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, so it may have been mentioned - but it could be to keep costs down OP.

My own wedding is coming up shortly, and I've slapped a kiddy-ban on it. Cost is the driving force behind it for me. If you allow for anyone with kids, then you have to make allowances for anyone who has kids. I say that as a mother myself.

If it were me, I would arrange a special day for your little one for when you get back. For your friend, having to make that choice on your invitation probably felt awful, but she wants you to be there.

Your other option, finances allowing of course - is if you paid for for someone you trust to come with you and your child and mind her while you are at the do.

Your friend honestly doesnt mean anything by it, but she cannot solve everyones problems as well as sorting out a wedding abroad. I dont mean that to sound funny, but it is true.

Hope you get it sorted either way OP.

SarahSassy

Its a different county not country

TequilaMockingBird

Gil_Dub wrote: »

I've no problem sharing our humble celebration with these noisy little parcels are they're the most precious of all people to those friends of ours who are in turn most dear to us. In the years to come I hope those who marry after us will grace us with the same understanding and support should they wish us to attend their wedding, or I would most likely decline the invitation.

At my own wedding in August we're going to have plenty of toddlers making their mark on our other guests. They'll most likely need feeding at all stages of the day, changing, a little cry here and there....The video I'm sure will chronicle the outbursts and hurried footsteps of a parent or two making a hurried break for the exit and a bottle/nappy.

It's what comes with having friends who will quite rightly put their children first and foremost....dare I say it, even before our big day.

I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.....

Gil

Thats a lovely attitude! Its a day of celebration, children should be involved imo, its also a great way of teaching them how to behave in social situations like this.

Abi

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its a different county not country

Fixed! Same rules apply, but plane not needed :pac:

SarahSassy

sueme wrote: »

its also a great way of teaching them how to
behave in social situations like this.

Hmmmm, I suppose it is but not at MY wedding. They can go to everyone elses and learn how to behave there

I do think having a pile of kids at a wedding can ruin it for the other guests.... All that sliding over the dance floor, whinging when they are tired and I have even seen them running up and down the aisle during the ceremony while the proud parents looked on...

cuckoo

SarahSassy wrote: »

I do think having a pile of kids at a wedding can ruin it for the other guests.... All that sliding over the dance floor, whinging when they are tired and I have even seen them running up and down the aisle during the ceremony while the proud parents looked on...

I think the problem can be that the parents don't know how to behave in relation to their children and social situations. (OP, i'm not implying that you'd be the type of parent to let their kids run amok!)

It can also depend on the type of wedding, some can be serious drinking sessions and that's not an environment that I think young children should be around.

OP, i'd leave it be and not talk to the bride and groom as they're probably up to their eyeballs. You could have a casual chat with the bridesmaid/best man/family member who is v involved in the organisation about shared babysitting services in the hotel.

Slightly off topic: if you get your children used to the idea of flexible birthdays/special occasions at a young age it may pay off in the future, eg, if a birthday celebration has to be delayed due to an illness or other family stuff.

Redpunto

Gil_Dub wrote: »

I've no problem sharing our humble celebration with these noisy little parcels are they're the most precious of all people to those friends of ours who are in turn most dear to us. In the years to come I hope those who marry after us will grace us with the same understanding and support should they wish us to attend their wedding, or I would most likely decline the invitation.

At my own wedding in August we're going to have plenty of toddlers making their mark on our other guests. They'll most likely need feeding at all stages of the day, changing, a little cry here and there....The video I'm sure will chronicle the outbursts and hurried footsteps of a parent or two making a hurried break for the exit and a bottle/nappy.

It's what comes with having friends who will quite rightly put their children first and foremost....dare I say it, even before our big day.

I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.....

Gil

:):) thanks Gil Dub

spinandscribble

what matters isnt the op's opinion or other boarders opinion on how weddings should be; its the op's friends opinion that matters as its her and her fellas wedding. if shes already made the decision to not ask the ops children thats her decision. maybe its family only with regard to children. maybe the ops children are going through the terrible twos or something. it doesnt really matter. the op can pay a babysitter or go halves with someone else who has children going to the wedding.

MissHoneyBun

I think it would be very wrong of you to ask your friend to have your kids at her wedding. As other posters have said, it's her day and if she wanted them there she would have invited them. I'd imagine she's very busy already and wouldnt need the added pressure of having to consider your children. If she were to start making allowances for everyone, where should she draw the line? I understand that parents have obligations to their children but you said she's your best friend so you also have a duty to her. You are not defined by your children. It might be worth bearing in mind that hopefully your children will have lots of happy birthdays ahead of them whereas your best friend might only have one wedding day.

Jamar

There are lots of reasons kids birthdays are moved...if they are young enough lie about it, otherwise explain that you have to move the party and make a big deal.

Nevyn

SarahSassy wrote: »

I do think having a pile of kids at a wedding can ruin it for the other guests.... All that sliding over the dance floor, whinging when they are tired and I have even seen them running up and down the aisle during the ceremony while the proud parents looked on...

You are wrong, having ill behaved kids and retarded irresponsible parents ruin occasions, weddings, ect for other people.

bug

Reject the full day invitation and request that you might come to the afters instead.
If she asks why then tell her honestly. If she doesn't ask, then don't.

Then you can have great party for child and an evening to yourself assuming you can get a baby sitter.

I wouldn't say it to her.

Gemini Sister

You don't need to use someone else's wedding day to teach your kids about social behaviour as someone suggested. Don't think you can afford to be too uppity about this issue. If you value the friendship, just let it go, its only one day - and its her day! And just be grateful you weren't asked to be bridesmaid!

Amazotheamazing

What age are the kids?

As a non-parent, I can't stand kids running about acting the maggot at weddings, simply because they don't appreciate the day, or it's importance to the couple getting married so it's unfair to expect them to be angels all day. It's a huge day for the couple, they've obviously decided not to invite your kids, probably for a number of reasons, why not just respect their decision?

Meteoric

OP, I don’t think you said what age your kids are and to be honest it does make a difference, just regarding the importance of the actual date of your little ones birthday. It’s the celebration of the child that matters, not the calendar date. Small children don’t relate to the calendar unless you emphasis it. Lots of children have the celebration on a different day to fit in with the working/school week etc.
If it is down to how you feel about leaving your child, well then there you have it, don’t attend all of the wedding, for me I’d prefer you at the church, but you know your friend, judge which she’d prefer. Let your friend know you’re not attending just in terms of the date of your child’s birthday thing not the not invited thing
Also really consider is there anyone who could babysit for the 24 hours, I have a friend who has a 3 year old and next to no family and while I know she would hate to ask I would mind him in his home any time she asked because of the fact that I’m not taken for granted. It sounds like you may be in the same sort of situation and believe me your friends and family might be more helpful than you think.
Sorry for going on for so long but I really hope you can work it all out.

seahorse

I wouldn't dream of discussing this with the bride; she's under enough stress. If the couple have decided they want no kids at their wedding then presumably they are not interested in anybody trying to make their babysitting plans their problem either. They have a hundred and one things to plan; I'm sure their guests babysitting arrangements are not anything they want (or deserve) to be lumbered with. Personally if I were the bride I think I'd be very annoyed; I'd be thinking 'I've managed to plan a whole wedding and you cant organise this single arrangement of your own?'

As for kids at weddings: I've been at about a dozen weddings in my life and the difference between child-friendly and child-free weddings is vast. They are scarcely comparable. At the latter you actually get to hear the vows exchanged and to enjoy celebrating them afterwards; at the former you lose out on both counts. I know which way I'll be going when the big day arrives!

Curvy Vixen

In answer to your original question op I wouldn't dream of bothering the wedding couple with this question. You need to decide what it is you want to do and then either accept or decline the invite, whether that be for the full day or part of the day.

Not suggesting you would but please don't so what two couple did at our wedding though and just show up with your child/children :mad: Our room was packed enough already and the hotel then had to run around like mad things finding not only 5 extra table spaces but 5 high chairs! We didn't want children there either I'm afraid...

Also, to the couple of posters who mentioned asking the wedding couple about arrangments to get children looked after/babysitters :eek::eek: Why is this anything to do with them ffs?????

BeardyGit

If the Bride & Groom don't want kids at their wedding, it's their responsilibity to make that known. While children are welcome at our wedding this summer, their names aren't on any invitations. We've just assumed our friends will bring their youngsters with them....Nothing was discussed with any of them until informed them that we'd have bottle heaters and that sort of thing for them to use along with some toys and games that parents could use to keep their kids entertained....

Now if I thought all my friends and family were crap parents with genuinely undisciplined children, I'd reconsider. But I figure it's easier to respect and facilitate their roles as parents as part of the planning for our wedding & reception, and to recognise that it doesn't take much to make everyones day more enjoyable.

If your friend's not making those arrangements and making sure your kids are comfortable and entertainable for the day, why would you want to bring them?

If I were in your shoes I think I'd let her know politely that your children come first and that you'll look forward to bringing them over to look through her wedding album after the day. Spend the money you would have spent on clothes/hair/present on your kids and make sure you've a great day out yourselves instead!

seamus

If the children aren't on the invite, it's not OK to assume that they're invited. If you want to query it, just ask someone close to the wedding - a groomsman or a bridemaid. They'll know.

There'll be no children invited to my wedding. I've been to weddings with children, they don't appreciate the day (they just get bored FFS), and they don't differentiate from any other family event, i.e. after dinner they just run around with the others kids making noise. And of course, just when the party is getting into full swing, their parents are dragged off to bed and the party dies.