Another Botched Relationship Kind of Topic

Aurora Borealis · 12-03-2008 01:17PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If this is how much you love your fella, imagine the kind of relationship you could have with a man who ticks all your boxes?

An aside from the original post really but this comment really struck a chord with me and gives me great solace for future relationships. Pretty cool to know you can love and be completely happy with and committed to one person... but concentrating on doing all that with me for the moment.

In no rush for another big love but it'll be great when it happens and I'll know some of the pitfalls to avoid in my own behaviour and theirs.

RedXIV · 12-03-2008 01:17PM

Whether you like it or not lass, Wibbs has nailed your situation perfectly. Based on what you've written I can't offer a singel piece of advice that Wibbs hasn't already written. You're method of grabbing attention, "breaking up", is a horrible idea and inevitably going to end up with a bad result, that should never be considered the only option to gauge a reaction.

But if the guy had you crying on the phone to one of his mates, would that not give you an indication that this isn't the relationship for you? get out of it, find a new guy and lose the break up tactic. your single now so all thats stopping you is your own inhibitions

Wibbs · 12-03-2008 01:18PM

marthaclark wrote: »

well some of you might be glad to know that i am still broken up with my horrible cold cruel humiliating boyfriend and it's been 12 days now and he seems to have really accepted it.

I would not be glad you're going through a breakup, but I would be happier knowing that your out of a one sided relationship where you were working far too hard to sustain it.

now i can be an emotional needy lonely woman-child all by myself and he can find someone else.

IMHO Marksie nails it. This is the time for you to find yourself and not look for someone else in the same vein or this may happen again. Indeed I would put money it will if you don't.

Mr. Incognito · 12-03-2008 02:01PM

Martha,

You have a cycle of breaking up for attention and love. Life isn't a romantic novel. Relationships are about comfort, compromise and compassion. You seem to view a relationsip as how many times a day he say's I love you. You're views are frankly, immature and egotistical. Posters have come on here and given excellent advise and then you lay another emotional trip pulling the walls down and pointing out how wrong they are and once again how it's all his fault for walking away from your, frankly, craziness.

You need some time alone to live in the real world.

milkerman · 12-03-2008 02:01PM

Martha, I think you should take on board the advice offered here (particularly Wibbs').
On a related topic. You said in one of your posts you had 'difficult parents'. We are what our parents make us. I guess that you have serious self worth issues. Were you rejected/criticised by your parents? Do you need your partner to constantly reassure you and acknowledge your worth? You might find someone willing to do this but they are rare.
BTW your ex B/F sounds like a b*llox in many respects.
Take some time to look at yourself and sort out your own issues. Then you will find someone decent.
Best Wishes

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 07:25PM

I don't think my issues are sort-outable. There is some sort of void inside me and I know that no one will ever fill it.. because it needs to be filled unconditionally, and it should have been when I was younger. I just wish someone could accept it. My past is always going to be a part of who I am. I'm always trivialised and devalidated.l i've been dismissed too many times in my life. I just want to know why it is.. and I don't.

I'm not egotistical. I'd just like to exist in someone's head as something more than a convenience. Because I'm inconvenient sometimes. so shoot me. so was he.

very inconvenient in fact.

Oryx · 13-03-2008 07:36PM

marthaclark wrote: »

I don't think my issues are sort-outable.

Yes, they are. Thats just a handy excuse not to.

There is some sort of void inside me and I know that no one will ever fill it..

Noone else ever should. You have to fill it yourself. Expecting someone else to is always doomed to failure.

because it needs to be filled unconditionally, and it should have been when I was younger.

Yes, children should receive unconditional love. As ideally should adults. But looking back at what you should have had is useless. You cant go back and fix it now, so move on.
Nothing is ideal, but the situation youve described in this thread was more unfortunate than usual. I hope you get past the pain and appreciate being out of it.

I just wish someone could accept it.

Maybe someone will. But if you want unconditional love, be prepared to give it fully, too.

My past is always going to be a part of who I am.

Undoubtedly.

I'm always trivialised and devalidated.l i've been dismissed too many times in my life. I just want to know why it is..

Could it be because you didnt stand up for yourself at times when you should have? You earn respect by being strong.

I'm not egotistical. I'd just like to exist in someone's head as something more than a convenience. Because I'm inconvenient sometimes. so shoot me. so was he.

Your not egotistical. Youre hurt. You and him sound messed up together, just wrong for each other, to be honest.

In short, if you want someone else to value you, value yourself.

Ickle Magoo · 13-03-2008 07:36PM

Maybe you could try going to councelling? I had a tough childhood & when I became a parent I found it very difficult, councelling certainly helped. If you suffered from rejection in childhood, maybe you are drawn to people who don't pay you the attentions they should? Of course, I don't know your story.

We are all inconvenient at times, I know I am but ultimately you deserve to be loved & appreciated by someone who revels in all your good points & accepts all your bad points are still part of you. You won't find anyone who appreciates you in that way, until you realise you are worth being loved & treated really well & won't accept anything less.

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 09:25PM

KtK wrote: »

Yes, they are. Thats just a handy excuse not to.

no. they are not. they are outside of my control. a lot of things in life are outside of ones control. I'm not going into it but I've spent most of my teenage years on my own. living independantly or in care. I'm not looking for pity but you seem to think these sort of things are sort-outable. no. they are not. i need to be independant, but no ones perfect and my friends come to me for help, because i am so 'strong'. Most of my friends have better things to be doing than trying to sort things out for me that they just can't sort out. It's tough ****. It's not sort-outable. It's just tough ****.

Noone else ever should. You have to fill it yourself. Expecting someone else to is always doomed to failure.

I know no one else can fill it. I never said otherwise.

Yes, children should receive unconditional love. As ideally should adults. But looking back at what you should have had is useless. You cant go back and fix it now, so move on.

I am, but I'm also not going to pretend my life is perfect and put on some kind of front. I'm never guaranteed anywhere to go for Xmas, is that my fault? I have no one to pay my bills, unless I rely on the government. Again, it's not my fault my life isn't perfect. I'm trying to get on with it. I don't expect special treatment, just acceptance. As I said, It's tough ****. But I'm not going to pretend I have the same things my friends have. And It's not my fault people find it hard to understand. I don't talk about it much, but there's not much to understand. I don't enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. But they do. I've spent the last 6 xmas with 6 different families, and felt nothing but uncomfortable. It's easier to get on with it, believe me.

Maybe someone will. But if you want unconditional love, be prepared to give it fully, too.

I'm too good at loving unconditionally. I live through my friends, and possibly through my boyfriend. I give them everything I want, because if I don't, how can I ever expect to be entitled to it. I loved my ex unconditionally. I still love him, even though he is an asshole. If that's not unconditional I don't know what is.

Could it be because you didnt stand up for yourself at times when you should have? You earn respect by being strong.

I have spent a lot of time being strong. My ex says I'm the strongest person I know. people know I can be strong, but can I not be weak sometimes? Hello? Things get to me. I get lonely, or things go wrong and I feel like I'm suddenly imposing on people. I just want somewhere safe. I don't think that's unreasonable. Or demanding. It's a need.

In short, if you want someone else to value you, value yourself.

I do. I just can't get other people to.

13-03-2008 09:28PM

marthaclark wrote: »

I have no one to pay my bills, unless I rely on the government.

I don't know if I missed something but do people not usually pay their own bills

I give them everything I want, because if I don't, how can I ever expect to be entitled to it. I loved my ex unconditionally.

Um, unconditionally doesn't mean you should feel "entitled" to anything back.
If you are only giving things to people to buy their affection, you might as well stop now

I do. I just can't get other people to.

It's not really about "getting" other people to value you ...

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 09:33PM

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't know if I missed something but do people not usually pay their own bills

not many people my age. not many people from 16+. But in a way it's good, I've learned a lot about budgeting, and being resilient. Not to mention a lot of hard work. So I don't feel 'disadvantaged'. I think I'm lucky I learnt these things young.

Um, unconditionally doesn't mean you should feel "entitled" to anything back.

I don't feel entitled to anything. I don't have any god given rights, that's been proved to me. I just think i kinda deserve it the way everyone ideally deserves it, in a perfect world. especially children. my best chance of getting it is to keep my heart open.

If you are only giving things to people to buy their affection, you might as well stop now

god you people jump to conclusions. I've nothing to buy affection with. All I have is who I am. Is being myself some sort of manipulative tool now? :rolleyes:

It's not really about "getting" other people to value you ...

well being valued is important, or I should think it is in healthy relationships. It's not like I'm forcing people to value me, I'd just like to be valued. :rolleyes:

13-03-2008 09:42PM

marthaclark wrote:

god you people jump to conclusions. I've nothing to buy affection with. All I have is who I am. Is being myself some sort of manipulative tool now? :rolleyes:

perhaps I misread

I give them everything I want, because if I don't, how can I ever expect to be entitled to it.

then?

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 09:46PM

well I'm less likely to get it if I'm a complete asshole.

I appreciate people for who they are and treat them with the same respect, loyalty and understanding that I myself would like.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you??

It's not rocket science. I'm sure jesus said something to that effect.

Cos jesus is a horrible person who tries to force goodness out of people.

hate that jesus guy. man.

Ickle Magoo · 13-03-2008 09:47PM

marthaclark wrote: »

I appreciate people for who they are and treat them with the same respect, loyalty and understanding that I myself would like.

Maybe try it a slightly different way...look at the respect, loyalty & understanding you would like & only give it to people who treat you that way?

13-03-2008 09:50PM

marthaclark wrote: »

well I'm less likely to get it if I'm a complete asshole.

I appreciate people for who they are and treat them with the same respect, loyalty and understanding that I myself would like.

From what I am reading you view your relationships with people in terms of what you can get from them in terms of understanding and respect

martha, i think you should go speak to a counsellor, based on what i have read of your posts in this thread. this is not meant to insult you, but i think there is work you need to do and this could help.
you seem to be basing a lot of your happiness on how you feel you are viewed by others and what you can get from them and this is only a recipe for trouble for yourself.

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 09:51PM

yeah.. ickle magoo, that's probably a good idea but i do try to spot the users.. it's annoying when you realise you're completely wasted on some people.

well, it's more disheartening than annoying. I really believe I was good to my ex. he said it himself, 'best girlfriend ever'. it was our joke thing.

the thing about people is you usually find out the hard way.

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 09:55PM

bluewolf wrote: »

From what I am reading you view your relationships with people in terms of what you can get from them in terms of understanding and respect

Jesus christ.. i don't think wanting some understanding and respect is unreasonable. I willingly enter into relationships with people because I like them, or we have something in common, because I get on with them. It'd be nice if understanding and respect was a prt of that, no?

martha, i think you should go speak to a counsellor, based on what i have read of your posts in this thread. this is not meant to insult you, but i think there is work you need to do and this could help.
you seem to be basing a lot of your happiness on how you feel you are viewed by others and what you can get from them and this is only a recipe for trouble for yourself.

I've tried counselling. I'm not really good at keeping the appointments. That pisses counsellors off, and really, that's more than understandable.

I'm also scared of becoming any more self absorbed and self-pitying. I'm trying to get over myself. Believe me.

Ickle Magoo · 13-03-2008 09:59PM

I think when you are in a relationship & you are not completely happy, you need to ask yourself what needs to change. If you discuss your emotional needs with your partner & they are still not being met, then it is time to vote with your feet. There is no point hanging around throwing your love at someone in the vain hope the realise what they should be doing for you. You have to sit them down & spell it out. If they can't meet your needs then that's the end of that relationship.

What's the point of being the best girlfriend he ever had? What do you get out of that? I think you need to look after your own needs & wants. It's supposed to be a partnership. You look after him & he looks after you. 50/50. Don't be in a hurry to fall in love until you are sure he wants to meet your needs.

It sounds from your posts like you don't have a lot of people you can talk to. I still think councelling is a good idea. There is no shame in using a professional as a sounding board to get your head sorted.

13-03-2008 10:00PM

marthaclark wrote:

I'm also scared of becoming any more self absorbed and self-pitying. I'm trying to get over myself. Believe me.

It doesn't actually make you more self absorbed or self pitying, it can be very helpful in helping you get "over yourself", unlikely as it may sound - they are a sounding board and not someone who would rather be elsewhere (if they are a good counsellor anyway)

if you are "not really good" at keeping appointments, improve your general timekeeping or make more of a commitment to going

"Jesus christ.. i don't think wanting some understanding and respect is unreasonable. "
No, but you need to start with understanding and respecting yourself first and foremost, and it does not come across to me that you do

and most importantly you just don't sound happy by a long shot.

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 10:20PM

yeah I guess i should look into counselling. I'd used to go to a counsellor with COMHAR and it really helped for the time I was doing my leaving cert.

It's kinda pathetic when you have people being paid to listen to you though. I always feel sorry for them.

Ickle Magoo · 13-03-2008 10:26PM

Try looking at it that they spent 3 or 4 yrs studying to be worthy of listening to you...

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 10:30PM

i'll probably give them a run for their money. I've this weird talent of talking myself into, out of and around things. All in the one sitting.

It's like I know I'm being irrational and I self-check and then try to avoid. I've been told this by too many counsellors. Guess I've nothing to lose though. Cept my sanity.

Ickle Magoo · 13-03-2008 10:31PM

Make a pact with yourself before you go to tell the whole truth & nothing but the truth - that's what I had to do.

marthaclark · 13-03-2008 10:36PM

True anyway. This is my parting note. I'm not that bad as bad news goes.

How could anyone argue with this woman? Momentary hero.

This kinda sums everything up relationship-wise.

http://www.youtube.com/v/70oeD9_R6OU&hl=en

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

That you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

so you see the whole thing can be condensed into an episode of greys anatomy...;)

Another Botched Relationship Kind of Topic

Comments