Girlfriend annoyed about me spending time with son's mother

LegacyUser · 20-12-2007 05:25PM #1

I have been split from my son's mother for 5 years.
I do not like her.
A couple of times recently I have had dinner at my son's house.
She is the custodial parent so it is her house.

Yesterday my GF went mad about this.

I think it is good for my son to see his parents interacting amicably.
My GF feels that having dinner with your ex is bizarre.

How should i handle this situation.

td

King of Kings · 20-12-2007 08:03PM

don't have dinner with my ex - but sounds a reasonable thing to do.

your gf has to accept that you have a relationship to upkeep with your son which means interacting with your ex - be it dinner (preferable) or ranting down the phone (not preferable)
if she cannot accept this then for the sake of your relationship with you son - get rid.

Lil' Smiler · 20-12-2007 08:07PM

would it be possible to bring the gf with you to dinner at the house or something so she doesn't feel like that?

It's just something she's going to have to try and accept, there's a childs life involved and it looks like you're trying to make things as normal and as stale for him as you can - fair play to you!

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 08:11PM

I wouldn't be too thrilled if my gf went and had dinner at an ex's house.

But this is a totally different situation. You need to have some kind of relationship with your ex for your sons sake.

I think you need to discuss this with your partner because if this upsets her, it may cause problems in the futures.

McGinty · 20-12-2007 08:16PM

Hi Op

I can see it must be difficult for you and good that you want to be friendly with your ex but I would ask why are you having dinner with your former partner? How has it come about? I ask because I would have thought that when collecting/dropping of your son would just be doorstep or hallway stuff, now if it is to discuss things like school, his welfare, etc I completely understand, in other words is the dinner neccesary? By any chance is your former partner hoping to get you back and could there be a clandestine enjoyment of being desired by your ex partner. I think these thoughts are going through your girlfriend's mind.

I don't think it is a good idea to bring your girlfriend because it is embarressing for all sides but at the same time you need to ask is the dinner neccesary and if it is you need to explain this clearly to your girlfriend, if she refuses to see it clearly then it is her problem not yours.

biko · 20-12-2007 08:57PM

torndad wrote: »

My GF feels that having dinner with your ex is bizarre.
How should i handle this situation.

You continue having dinners. Your gf is wrong and I agree with you - it's good for the child to see the parents get along, even though they don't live together any more. Do you take gf along? Maybe it's better not to.

davyjose · 20-12-2007 09:09PM

biko wrote: »

You continue having dinners. Your gf is wrong and I agree with you - it's good for the child to see the parents get along, even though they don't live together any more. Do you take gf along? Maybe it's better not to.

+1

OP, your girlfriend knew the situation when she embarked on a relationship with you, and your kid will always have to come first. TBH the fact that she's throwing her toys out of the pram over it, shows perhaps she's not 100% right for you. If she loved you, she'd be there for you, and try make it easier for you - cos I know it's tough. My gf has a little girl, and Jesus when I think of what I have to put up with sometimes, I think your gf is being extremely selfish.
As for her thinking it's bizarre - well how bizarre do you think it is for your son, his Mammy and Daddy not speaking, when all his friends' parents live together (I dunno how young he is - but someday this will be the case).

I would agree with what McGinty says to an extent. It is important to reassure your girlfriend because she is probably, like the rest of us, being made somewhat insecure about this, but like I said - the child comes first. And yes, I think for your son's sake the dinner's are very important (necessary? depends on what your definition is, Do you hug your son, do you buy him toys, do you tell him you love him - is that "necessary"? i.e. if it improves your son's welfare then it is necessary)

witchywoman · 20-12-2007 09:11PM

blood is thicker than water, ive seen a few relationships demise over this issue, in my opinion , if your g.f is so insecure you should consider your options. its plainly obvious that she does not have kids, and therefore does not understand your point that you need to appear amicable for the sake of your son.

aidan24326 · 20-12-2007 09:15PM

torndad wrote: »

I have been split from my son's mother for 5 years.
I do not like her.
A couple of times recently I have had dinner at my son's house.
She is the custodial parent so it is her house.

Yesterday my GF went mad about this.

I think it is good for my son to see his parents interacting amicably.
My GF feels that having dinner with your ex is bizarre.

How should i handle this situation.

td

Your girlfriend has to accept that your son comes as part of the package, and unfortunately that means his mother too. If she doesn't like that she should find a new boyfriend, as it's not something that's going to change.

At the same time you don't have to overdo it with the ex either, and I can see how your gf might feel threatened. Just maintain as much of a relationship as is needed for your son's sake, it shouldn't be any more than that. Are the cosy little dinners really necessary?

windsurfer99ie · 20-12-2007 09:27PM

Dump the gf if she won't see reason. Your kid must be your top priority. I regularly have dinner with my ex and my kids - and if a gf couldnt cope with that then I wouldnt want her anywhere near my kids.

adsgirl · 21-12-2007 12:34AM

If you and your ex are adult enough to sit down and have dinner together in an effort to make your sons' life easier, then your Gf should show some understanding and deal with it herself without making you feel guilty.

the_syco · 21-12-2007 02:20AM

biko wrote: »

You continue having dinners. Your gf is wrong and I agree with you - it's good for the child to see the parents get along, even though they don't live together any more. Do you take gf along? Maybe it's better not to.

+2. Tell the gf to cop on.

Suaimhneach · 21-12-2007 02:54AM

She needs to feel confident and comfortable in your love her her so that she can feel trust when you are with the ex. Tbh, the kid will be around longer than she will (in all likelyhodd) so she needs to feel 100% confident if you are going to be in a relationship with her.

Sounds like more of her having a problem with confidence issue, than the ex issue.

Nuttzz · 21-12-2007 08:59AM

torndad wrote: »

My GF feels that having dinner with your ex is bizarre.

you are having dinner with your son too, see needs to undersatnd that. I wouldnt dump her just yet, i get the feeling this is a new relationship so she just needs to get used to the idea. You can tell the GF how you feel about the ex but more importantly how you fell about your son, if she cant get that then...

milod · 21-12-2007 10:23AM

OP, I would tend to disagree with most of the idealism of previous responses here, because I have direct experience of this issue. I'm separated about 4 years now, so here are just a few observations...

Your g/f's reaction may be simple jealousy, or may be something a little more considered - don't be too quick to judge her - she may be thinking some of the following:

You say you don't like you ex, so why put yourself through dinner with her?
Having dinner with your ex isn't the opposite of ranting down the phone - there is an amicable middle ground...

Having dinner with your ex is not necessary for the sake of your child - You left for a reason and kids aren't stupid - you're can't fool them for long!
Pretense for the sake of a child can be more damaging than honesty - especially as they begin to mature into adolescence.

Carefully examine you ex's reasons for wanting you at that dinner table - it may not just be about the child. Does she invite you often? Are you just afraid to politely refuse?

Don't let your own guilt about leaving cloud your judgment. Deal with the fact that you've gone and that there may be some hurt - playing happy families is corrosive and can prevent you really dealing with the issues.

Hope this helps...

AngryBadger · 21-12-2007 10:34AM

biko wrote: »

You continue having dinners. Your gf is wrong and I agree with you - it's good for the child to see the parents get along, even though they don't live together any more. Do you take gf along? Maybe it's better not to.

+2

Gumbyman · 21-12-2007 04:21PM

milod wrote: »

OP, I would tend to disagree with most of the idealism of previous responses here, because I have direct experience of this issue. I'm separated about 4 years now, so here are just a few observations...

Your g/f's reaction may be simple jealousy, or may be something a little more considered - don't be too quick to judge her - she may be thinking some of the following:

You say you don't like you ex, so why put yourself through dinner with her?
Having dinner with your ex isn't the opposite of ranting down the phone - there is an amicable middle ground...

Having dinner with your ex is not necessary for the sake of your child - You left for a reason and kids aren't stupid - you're can't fool them for long!
Pretense for the sake of a child can be more damaging than honesty - especially as they begin to mature into adolescence.

Carefully examine you ex's reasons for wanting you at that dinner table - it may not just be about the child. Does she invite you often? Are you just afraid to politely refuse?

+1
Dinner is like a date. From her perspective you are playing happy families with your ex. If my GF was in another mans house for dinner (expecially her ex boyfriend's!) in the evenings I'd be pretty put out about it whatever the reason. It crosses a line in my opinion and is hardly necessary. Of course you need to be amicable in front of your child but there are plenty of other times to be amicable.

What about bringing them both to your house for dinner with your gf?

LegacyUser · 21-12-2007 04:39PM

Gumbyman wrote: »

If my GF was in another mans house for dinner (expecially her ex boyfriend's!) in the evenings I'd be pretty put out about it whatever the reason. It crosses a line in my opinion and is hardly necessary. Of course you need to be amicable in front of your child but there are plenty of other times to be amicable.

For a small child, everyday life is all they know. theis includes eating sleeping watching tv. If you are on a dinner date, there is a huge difference to having a meal with your child and its mother.
Did you stay all evening? How late was dinner? Was it a specially-prepared dinner? Or was it just whatevr they were having themselves anyway?
Your ex might want more so be careful here. My last bf had two children in their teens, the youngest came and stayed with us. He stayed in his ex-wife's house when he went to visit them for the weekend (different city).

I would have regarded myself badly if I'd objected to that. He loved his kids, they loved him. He didn't love his wife, she didn't love him - but they were amicable to each other, which wsa a brilliant role model for the kids to see.

Keyzer · 21-12-2007 05:50PM

When you had "dinner" was it a romantic, candlelight dinner with just you and ex or was it a "Family" type dinner with you, the ex and the nipper?

If its a family based dinner then your girlfriend needs to grow up.
You had a life before her and she needs to understand that. Its your right, and more so, your responsibility to see your child on a regular basis.

If she has a problem with that then I'm afraid its time for her to go.

dame · 21-12-2007 08:24PM

I agree with McGinty and Milod. You do not need to have dinner with your ex for your son's sake. That relationship is over. All four of you need to understand that (you, your ex, your son and your girlfriend). It is not fair on any of the four of you to have mixed feelings and perhaps a belief/hope that eventually you and your son's mother may get back together. It is well known that children of broken relationships harbour the hope their parents will reunite. Would it not be better for your son, as well as for your current relationship, if you were simply amicable in passing and did not sit and have dinner with your son and ex, acting as a family (which you no longer are).

Overheal · 21-12-2007 11:00PM

Im guessing your GF never had the misfortune of a broken home? If she had even the slightest clue what that was like I dont think she would have a problem with this. 15 years later my parents Still cant get along... personally I'd do anything I could to encourage a more healthy relationship between you and your ex-partner.

But on that other hand, you can't string your son's hope along that you two will get together - thats completely unfair on him. Dinner is a little over the top to be honest: nobody expects more from 2 divorcees than to be civil at family events and when you have to pick up the kids... eh, something my own folks took a while to grasp

metrovelvet · 21-12-2007 11:38PM

Every family has its own traditions and protocols. Like it or not, you, your ex and your son are a family and always will be one even if you never ever saw each other.

Your girlfriend is jealous and why wouldnt she be? Who the hell wants to hear their boyfriend is having dinner with an ex?

Basically it comes down to this: tough ****. She chose to be with someone with a kid and that means tolerating and living with his past.

I dont think dinner with an ex and your child is that loaded. My father often popped over for cups of tea and came over for Christmas and it was all very informal and no one had fantasies of reunion. No one, including us - the children -even wanted it - we exploited the divorce to the fullest! :-)

I know of a lot of situations like that, where the dad comes over on Sundays to visit the children, in their home, in their territory, where they are relaxed and feel most comfortable.

LegacyUser · 29-12-2007 06:10PM

Thanks for the replies.

My gf pointed out that a year ago it was all drop at the hall pick up at the door 'Hello Daddy, ByeBye Mammy' 'Hello Mammy ByeBye Daddy' sort of stuff and we have been more amicable recently. She was concerned that my ex might be trying to get me back.

I told her that she'd have to trust me.

Anyway Crimbo has come and gone without undue drama though I was over at my son's house fer Christmas morning.

By the way it wasn't a romantic meal it was a chinese takeaway and one of the reasons my ex was annoyed is because I never get Chinese takeaway?

td

kitt13 · 30-12-2007 07:21PM

I understand your girlfriend's point of view but I think it is much more important to maintain as civil as possible relationship with the parent of one's child. A meal simply chatting with the child (and each other) seems reasonable and actually would, in my opinion, set a very good example for the child in that you two are able to do so. Too many parents in this situation just tear into the other and often via the child. Your girlfriend's concern should be addressed but if she doesn't cop on, I would dump her. (Are you serious enough she has met your son? If not, maybe introducing her would help assuage some of her insecurities?)

SarahMc · 31-12-2007 12:09AM

torndad wrote: »

By the way it wasn't a romantic meal it was a chinese takeaway and one of the reasons my ex was annoyed is because I never get Chinese takeaway?

td

Sorry, but your gf sounds as if she is not nearly mature enough to cope with the complex dynamic of changing family structures in Ireland if she freaks out over the fact you will have bbq spare ribs with your child not not with her!!

Girlfriend annoyed about me spending time with son's mother

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