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Am I undatable cause I'm fat?

  • 02-07-2007 07:04PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Have been single for quite some time now, 3 years to be precise. Wouldn't consider myself ugly but I am indeed a heavy person (18 Stone at a height of 5'7") Thing is that for most people I just seem to be the fat, lazy cow that happens to have a pretty face. I'm trying very hard to lose weight (gained it after 2 pregnancies) but end up comfort eating again when someone hisses or mutters abuse at me.

    Have tried Internet dating, speed dating even chatting to people in Pubs but I either get stood up, get told I'm too fat or just get the looks that make me feel so insignificant. In the rare cases that I do get a date, the guys always seem to be after one thing and suggest that I should be grateful to even "get it" considering my physique.

    I'm devasted and depressed and don't know what to do. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or plonk their "oh you must go on a diet cause nobody would want you" stuff on me.

    Is it really so hard to see beyond the outside cause I think I'm quite fabulous :)

    thanks for letting me get rid of some steam!

    Luna


«1345678

Comments

  • #2
    swingking
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,260 ✭✭✭swingking


    Anyone who bases the relationship on looks alone is just a shallow bastard. I'm currently seeing a girl who is not the best looking person in the world, but she is the nicest person ever.

    I prefer to date people who are not skinny. I find these people are more enjoyable to be around.

    My best advice is to hang in there. Someone will notice how nice you are and who won't put good looks as his preference. Don't feel depressed. Remember, you are better than any of those shallow men.


  • #3
    py2006
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    Yes you are fabulous and dont you forget it.

    I can't believe some people have been as horrible to you as you say! I hope thats not all in your head!

    I don't know what to say to you in relation to your weight. If you are unhappy with it then do something about it. (easier said than done, I know)

    Try exercising everyday! Go for walks in the evening after dinner! Its a slow process but it pays off! Before you loose and weight you will start feeling alot fitter and thus alot better about yourself. Then you will be increasing the amount of exercise you do and after time the weight will slowly, but surely, come off!

    From experience, its easier to attract the opposite sex when your content within yourself and not necessarily showing too much interest

    Best of luck!


  • #4
    matt-dublin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,479 ✭✭✭matt-dublin


    i know what you are all saying but in all fairness the start of a relationship usually comes from physical attraction...

    if you want to do something about your weight, try atkins for a few weeks, you can eat as much as you want as long as you stick to the diet wether it be sausages, pork chops, steak chicken, eggs etc etc.

    it should help compensate for the indulgence eating.

    also remember that its just possible you havent found the right person yet and there always someone for somebody!

    as myself and a few of my mates say, it doesn't matter what you look like, when you go out there;s always at least 1 person that will be with you...
    you just need to find them!


  • #5
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    you have to be careful how far down this road you go OP. You may be overweight, but that's not going to be a problem for a lot of people. What will be a problem is if you have a problem with being fat. It's true that some guys wouldn't consider you because of your weight, but sure no great loss there. These are the type of guys who tend to score at pubs, so if you are worried cause you are not getting chatted up in pubs and clubs, I wouldn't worry. You have to connect with people who you'll have stuff in common with, so look at expanding your social net in the usual ways. If I was with a girl who had a real problem with her looks, it'd turn me off - deep down I couldn't respect her for going on about it and not doing anything about it if you know what I mean. anyway, best of luck.


  • #6
    DublinWriter
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,599 ✭✭✭DublinWriter


    SortOfLonely wrote:
    Is it really so hard to see beyond the outside cause I think I'm quite fabulous :)
    Dating issues aside, you're really in for some potential major health issues if you are carrying 18 stone on a 5'7 female frame.

    You really should think about your health and yourself, rather than why dating is a problem.

    You owe it at least to your two kids to be healthy and active and there for them as they are growing up.


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  • #7
    davyjose
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,287 ✭✭✭davyjose


    swingking wrote:
    Anyone who bases the relationship on looks alone is just a shallow bastard. I'm currently seeing a girl who is not the best looking person in the world, but she is the nicest person ever.
    How would you feel if your Missus said that about you Swingking? I think physical attraction is critical to any relationship, especially as it the first impression you get of them(in most cases).

    But OP, that isn't to say that people don't, or won't, find you attractive. There isn't a person alive that won't go through a lean spell, or indeed will have everyone find them attractive (I have a friend who thinks Kate Moss is ugly :confused: ). Just keep digging away and don't let it get to you, because there are lots of people who will be attracted to you.


  • #8
    Captain Chaos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,191 ✭✭✭✭Captain Chaos


    Ever seen Kate Moss without make up or an air brush job? I'd agree fully.


  • #9
    Anthony_1980
    Closed Accounts Posts: 158 ✭✭Anthony_1980


    dunno if this helps

    im 26 and 6.2 and 20 stone but always told i look 16 etc

    i hold it very well but i think like u do but ive never had a prob meeting women

    some shallow people out there but u better off without

    nobodys perfect but that doesnt mean u'll have trouble

    mabe switch places u go to


  • #10
    vorbis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭vorbis


    Firstly, anyone making snide remarks about your weigh is an asshole.

    Secondly though, you are quite overweight. Most guys will not find you physical attractive at your current weight. You may have a great personality but there needs to be physical attractiveness present as well. Also to be blunt, your weight issue is not their problem its your problem. For your health and your dating life, you need to lose some weight.

    Theres lots of good information in the fitness forum. Even walking a few times a week and cutting out the comfort eating (don't cut down, cutting it out completely will be easier) will really help.


  • #11
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Maybe you are trying th wrong dating sites and should look for those that cater to big beautiful women.


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  • #12
    shakenbake
    Closed Accounts Posts: 190 ✭✭shakenbake


    swingking wrote:
    Anyone who bases the relationship on looks alone is just a shallow bastard.

    Why?
    swingking wrote:
    I prefer to date people who are not skinny. I find these people are more enjoyable to be around.

    Haven't you just insluted all the 'skinny' people out there? If you replaced the word skinny with the word 'fat' in your sentence. Can you see the irony anywhere?
    tbh wrote:
    you have to be careful how far down this road you go OP. You may be overweight, but that's not going to be a problem for a lot of people.

    In fairness, where are these people? Please tell her. She's been single for over three years!!

    OP, you pretty much know the answer to the question you've asked. You are probably an extremely warm, lovely and kind person, with alot of goodness to offer the right person. But the fact is that your weight is probably putting people off.

    As opposed to just waiting for the right person to come along ... someone who doesn't have an issue with your weight ... you could loose weight and have a choice! Use your frustration and lonliness as tools to get you where you want to be. If you want something bad enough, chances are you can get it. Defintiely, in this case.


  • #13
    Caliden
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,981 ✭✭✭Caliden


    Self confidence is the most attractive trait of all. If you're not happy and confident about how you look, then work to fix that.


  • #14
    carnival_joe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 49 ✭carnival_joe


    being big does put some people off, as it suggests someone who is to lazy to take care of themselves, who is unhealthy and who may be selfish. not saying you are any of those things. its a similar reason for people not liking really skinny people- can't take care of themselves, neurotic, etc. we are built to like certain types of shape (pear or hourglass for women) regardless of the size it comes in. if your hourglass, or pear, you should be ok. but im not a guy, so i can't say for any real certainty what men want. other then the obvious immediate physical satisfaction. and thats not all men only some, before anyone gets insulted.

    Attitude has a lot to do with it- geuine self confidence works better then over-acting the "im attractive me" thing.

    just relax, maybe join a gym or dance class, or a drama group. get out of the pub mindset- like it or not, the popular pubs are mostly populated by the "beautiful people". so if you're outside of that accepted view of norm, you probably won't pull there.

    pubs and clubs are full of shallow peple- esp men! men these days are becoming more shallow- after 1 thing from as many people as possible while they are "young". or at least 98% of the guys i know are. you're their mate- or their conquest.


  • #15
    Stabshauptmann
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,885 ✭✭✭Stabshauptmann


    shakenbake wrote:
    Why?

    See the significance of the word alone.
    If you base things on one single criteria then obviously you lack depth.

    Now to say that its immaterial is stupid. For me its important, bit not everything.
    That being said, 18st at 5'7, thats a bit much


  • #16
    WindSock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,239 ✭✭✭✭WindSock


    You said you do a lot of comfort eating. You are obviously not happy with yourself. Your biggest problem is in your own head, I would say try to get to the root of your own problems first, maybe see somebody that can help you work through whatever it is that makes you turn to food for comfort. And yes, the cold hard truth: looks are important. And so is mental and physical wellbeing.


  • #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am no skinny minnie at 11.5 stone and 5ft 6, and I have to exercise like a demon to even stay that weight (gym, swimming, walking and cycling everywhere I go) so I understand how hard it is to lose weight and how it feels not to be a size ten in the dating scene...

    I also know that the times I put on weight are sometimes holidays or celebrations, but more often from negative emotional stuff. For example, work has been stressful with very long hours for the past year, and I know myself I am eating lots of high fat crap that I don't need or want because it's the only thing I'm getting any pleasure and indulgence out of at those times. I don't know your situation, but maybe you need to address why you eat when you do and what's the motivation if you're eating things when you're not even hungry...

    When I am on a negative eating buzz, from eating so much crap, my whole system feels awful so eventually I end up copping on and eating healthily again. If you don't know how to eat healthily, but I really really recommend Weightwatchers to find your balance.

    I know you don't want to be told to go on a diet, but you don't sound happy with your weight, and I know myself, not being a size 12 never mind a size 10, it really does make a difference to your mental health, your confidence, and your appearance when you have weight on that you're not comfortable with. I also think that there's NO WAY my boyfriend would be with me if he met me with a few stone more on me. he's not some awful superficial slither of a man - he's really really sweet and not shallow, but I know he wouldn't have looked at me twice, and I wouldn't have had the confidence to pursue him either...

    Of course there'll be men who will appreciate you for being a wonderful person irrespective of weight, but maybe they are not the men you want to be with...?

    In any case, it's all within your power! Best of luck! :D


  • #18
    ali.c
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,022 ✭✭✭ali.c


    Hey Op, *hug* it sounds like you need it. It doesnt sound like you are happy with your weight and as already stated that can be a bigger turn of for guys than the weight itself. Taking care of yourself is a something that IMO is more important that what you actually weight. This can be also be expressed in how you dress and how you take care with your appearance. Equally important is how confident you are. If you want to lose the weight and then make sure you are doing it for you and no-one else. you can drop by the fitness forum, where there is loads of information and loads of supportive people!!


  • #19
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Are you sure it is because you are fat ?
    It can be quiet easy use that as a scape goat and not look at the other issues.


  • #20
    spinandscribble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    your post should be "where are the men that fancy morbidly obese women?". im sorry to be so blunt but you cant force men or begrunge them for not finding you attractive.
    you might have a lovely personality but the truth is looks is want catches a person and its human nature.
    i think your problem is that you are desparate and let men walk over you.
    this isnt going to get any better until you feel more confident and i dont think that will happen until you silm down a few stone but you know that.
    comfort eating means your foes win. PROVE THEM WRONG. you can do it.


  • #21
    Reku
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,766 ✭✭✭Reku


    As long as it doesn't affect you health I wouldn't worry about it. I'm young & certainly not fat but I've been single for... think it's 5 years...


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  • #22
    super_furry
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 27,387 ✭✭✭✭super_furry


    Personally speaking I don't think weight would ever be an issue for me when it comes to girls, I've never let it put me off and I think a lot of blokes would be the same.

    I don't mean to be cruel, but you say that you've had two pregnancies, and to my mind, a woman having two children would be much more off-putting for some single guys.


  • #23
    DD
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 327 ✭✭DD


    i have a friend that did everything he could and he lose some weight, now hes very happy and he feels GREAT
    u will see, start sports, walks and u will be a happier man
    stop being lazy and complain, just do smth about it !!!

    SortOfLonely wrote:
    Have been single for quite some time now, 3 years to be precise. Wouldn't consider myself ugly but I am indeed a heavy person (18 Stone at a height of 5'7") Thing is that for most people I just seem to be the fat, lazy cow that happens to have a pretty face. I'm trying very hard to lose weight (gained it after 2 pregnancies) but end up comfort eating again when someone hisses or mutters abuse at me.
    thanks for letting me get rid of some steam!
    Luna


  • #24
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,360 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    super_furry wrote:
    Personally speaking I don't think weight would ever be an issue for me when it comes to girls, I've never let it put me off and I think a lot of blokes would be the same.
    I have to agree. You would be pleasantly surprised how many men like curvy women. It's not that they look past that, they actually like it(though few enough will admit it). There is generally a cut off point, but even then there are men who will look past that.
    I don't mean to be cruel, but you say that you've had two pregnancies, and to my mind, a woman having two children would be much more off-putting for some single guys.
    I have to agree here too. That would put off more than the whole fat issue. Sad but true. Think of it as an arsehole filter though.
    dianaangeleyes wrote:
    start sports, walks and u will be a happier man
    Good advice, but you might put her off slightly if she thinks exercise may turn her into a man. :D

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #25
    Reku
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,766 ✭✭✭Reku


    Wibbs wrote:
    I have to agree here too. That would put off more than the whole fat issue. Sad but true. Think of it as an arsehole filter though.
    Didn't want to say it but since others are, yup, single mother with 2 sprogs, tends to send most guys running unless they are themselves feeling quite broody/eager to settle down, and I doubt those on the internet sites are there for that. Thankfully we're not as bad as some other species, where killing the offspring of other fathers is common, so as to improve the odds of your own surviving to procreate.
    I remember laughing years back when there was a discussion on the radio regarding equality and that women should have to pay into clubs just like the men. The point being raised was that it was done to get the women in there so as to attract the men, the only women who complained about it were the single mothers, upset that they couldn't get their nights out as often, all the others said they were ok with having to pay the door fee. A club filled with single mothers, yeah, that'll draw the lads...


  • #26
    Rev Hellfire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,346 ✭✭✭Rev Hellfire


    To answer the OP while the reason you're not getting dates is not mostly likely exclusively because you're fat. I'm pretty sure it’s a fairly large contributing factor.
    The simple fact is (IMHO) that first impressions count and at 18 stone and 5'7 you are not simply fat but obese which for the vast majority of people is a negative.
    Those who say to you that been fat/obese isn’t an issue are just issuing platitudes.


  • #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Look its simple, guys are shallow, no matter how many times they say theyre not.

    I'm gonna give you the best advice in the world, not only for your own health but sanity aswell.

    Lose some weight to get some dates, (it even rhymes so its gotta be good)'


  • #28
    angeldelight
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,176 ✭✭✭angeldelight


    OP.... don't give up hope. I'd been single for a while, apart from a few mistakes, and had sort of resigned myself to that not changing for a long time when I met my bf... we've been together 11 months now, and I totally believe he's "the one", he's said the same about me. I'm even shorter than you and overweight too but we get on so well and he gives me so much self-confidence that I've genuinely never been happier. Why do't you try and take up a new activity where you might meet a different circle of people... the more people you get to know the more chance of finding one who is right for you!


  • #29
    neuro-praxis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,184 ✭✭✭neuro-praxis


    OP, I am one of those women who is in an ongoing battle with their weight. I shed a couple of stone, I regain it, I shed it, etc. etc. for similar reasons to you - I am a comfort eater like many women. I have had weight issues since I was 17 or 18, but I can honestly say I've had no problem attracting men at any stage.

    There is this culture in the US of Big Beautiful Women who accept their obesity, embrace it even, and carry on their lives happy as larry. But when you are 5' 7" and 18 stone you shouldn't be embracing that weight - it's a hindrance to you in almost every way. I think that US culture is creeping in here...but you are facing heart disease, stroke, diabetes, joint trouble etc.

    I would encourage you to try to lose even 10% of your body weight and forget about men for a bit. When you are healthier and happier this will show. There is curvy and then there is dangerous, you know?

    As for people who insult you about your weight - fuc|< them (not literally of course :p ). These are not the kinds of people you would want to be around anyway. It is wonderful that you like yourself - just go one step further and treat your lovely body with the respect it deserves. Easier said than done though eh!


  • #30
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 24,877 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    OP, tbh, at your weight yes, you would be undatable to me. That's not going to be true of all guys but I'd be pretty certain I'd be in the majority. I'm not trying to be cruel, and I apologise if my being honest is upsetting, it's not my intention and I'm making the (big) assumption you didn't just post here looking for everyone to tell you that it's everyone else that has a problem and not you.

    Like someone said above, never mind about attracting guys, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get back down to a healthy weight.

    You mention you suffer from comfort eating. It's actually something which is very easily solved: don't keep junk food in the house. Your kids may not thank you for it now, but ten years from now when they understand the importance of a good diet they will.

    Now the shocking bit: disregard *everything* you read in magazines when it comes to weightloss. It is in any magazine that has a 'lose 8lb's in a week' headline on the front cover's interest to keep you fat. Remember that and learn to disregard the "advice" they sell. You didn't put on your weight overnight and it ain't gonna shift overnight either. Getting leaner ain't easy, but it sure is simple: move more, eat better and luckily there's some great advice at hand: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054886861 is a fantastic guide to the essentials of healthy eating.

    The Fitness forum here is a mine of valuable information , I've lost nearly 3 inches off my stomach since February following the advice of some of the posters that frequent the forum. Some of the posters there are professional personal trainers that help the girls you see in the Irish style pages keep in shape, others are competing body-builders, powerlifters, athletes etc. and we even have a double world-record holder who's incredibly generous with her time when it comes to answering questions and giving advice. They can't do the work for you, but they can set you on the right track.

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  • #31
    togster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,931 ✭✭✭togster


    I agree in part to the above poster. If it affects you change it. I know its not that easy but if you want to you can. In fairness you cant expect men to treat you with respect if you dont respect yourself.
    Best of luck and kind regards


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