Is cheating forgivable?

Pixie4 · 29-03-2007 02:49PM #1

Hi

This question is eating away at me for the past couple of weeks and I need some advice. My b/f of nearly a year cheated on me almost three weeks ago, when pushed he said it was a snogging session and he didn't sleep with her. He did it 'cos he was peed off at me about a small tiff (and it was small) we had earlier that day. A friend of mine saw him with this other woman that night. Long story short, I confronted him about it four days later but he only admitted to texting her. Three days after I finally got what I think is the truth out of him. He said he was going to tell me but not over the phone and was waiting to admit it face to face.

Since then he has been in constant contact saying how much he loves me, how he realises what a dope he's been and wants me to give it another go. My head tells me to run a mile as to me trust is the most important and sacred thing in a relationship but my heart is telling me that I still love this guy. By the way we are both in our late 20's.

Please help...is there anybody out there who has had a similar experience? I have really important exams coming up but my head and emotions are all over the place. It really comes down to "Is cheating forgivable"??

Cheers for reading.

padser · 29-03-2007 02:52PM

You are going to get loads of different answers from different people. None of which are likely to help you because the only question that matters is

'Is cheating forgivable for you'

and you are the only person who can answer that (or possibly you don't even know yourself).

There will be people who will say it can never be forgiven, load of cr@p in my opinion as it regularly is forgiven - different strokes for different folks.

boils down to you personally tbh

Vegeta · 29-03-2007 02:53PM

really tough question but if the guy is in his late 20's, has a small tiff and then snogs a another girl i'd seriously question his "love" for you. You deserve better treatment than that.

I do not think its forgivable.

lady_j · 29-03-2007 02:54PM

Personally no I dont.

I'm guessing from the fact u posted this then its not for you either. You are always going to question how he feels about you from his previous behaviour. Its not worth the heartache of going through that.

DonkeyStyle \o/ · 29-03-2007 02:55PM

Well... if he thought you were on a break.

magick · 29-03-2007 02:56PM

He did it 'cos he was peed off at me about a small tiff (and it was small)

yeah and imagine what he would do if ye had a serious fight?

He sounds v immauture, maybe he needs to grow up a little before you can see yourself with him.

aibby · 29-03-2007 02:58PM

If he loves you, as he claims he does, he would not cheat. Get yourself a guy who wont do that to you. You deserve better. Some guys just cant stay faithful, and maybe he's one of them?

Poppy84 · 29-03-2007 02:58PM

Hi Pixie

No-one can tell you if cheating is forgivable each situation is different, different people, different circumstances, different situations.

What you need to decide is if you can forgive him.

From how you explained it this was intentional, he was annoyed at you and he knew cheating would hurt you. So can you trust him in the future that when ye have a row he wont do it again. And if the row gets worse does he take cheating one further step?

He has commited the ultimate betrayel can you ever trust him again?

The head and the heart are constantly conflicting it is a part of life. It will take a lot of hard work and time to build up your trust in him again if you were to forgive him.

To be honest if it was me I'd leave, he cheated intentionally over a trivial row, then he tried to deny it to save his own skin only eventually having to admit it - he lied and cheated - save yourself the heart ache and dont give him the chance to hurt you again. In the long run you will be fine and you will most definitly find a guy who will treat you right!

little lady · 29-03-2007 03:01PM

It is a personal decision as to whether cheating is okay or not. If you think that he really is sorry, that you can completely forgive him; that you can get over what he did and that you can learn to trust him again, then yes.

Personally I couldn't trust anyone again if they cheated on me; so for me it would be the end of the relationship, but as I said it is up to every individual and their circumstances.

Maybe you should cool things with him until after your exams, you don't have to break-up with him but just hold off making any decisions until after your exams when you have more time to think about him and what you want.

Pixie4 · 29-03-2007 03:04PM

Thanks for all replies. I guess the thing is, before this happened, I would never ever in a million years agree with somebody cheating but it's hard to call when you are in the situation. I obviously have very strong feelings for this guy even though I am incredibly hurt...... Just to address something magick said, we have had major tiff's before and he didn't go off with somebody else.

Shelli · 29-03-2007 03:08PM

It's totally up to you, and not what anyone else thinks.

But whats wrong with giving youself time? If you really love him, why not give forgiving him a try, tell him that you'd like to try but give him no promises. You'll soon know if trusting him has become an issue, and deal with it then.

No-one can see into the future, all we can do is have some faith in our own judgement and hope things work out.

Good luck.

Acid_Violet · 29-03-2007 03:11PM

He scored with the excuse that he was a bit pissed off with you? Wanker.....

He sounds like he can get easily abusive and as if he's completely lying through his teeth. If that's the case then there's no relationship worth having yet. If you do take him back, let him know where you stand, and that he'll be kicked to the curb if he does anything again. I know how situations like these turn out as I've witnessed many myself and if he's in denial than there's usually no point.

jacool · 29-03-2007 03:15PM

hi Pixie. I am available for some snogging ! You can then tell your B/F that it was just to even the score and see how he reacts when the shoe is on the other foot.

I do think though that once a cheat always a cheat and if you need 100% then you may not get it.

Padser at the top probably wrote the most sense here btw.

ZiabR · 29-03-2007 03:19PM

For me cheating is not forgivable. I have no time for it. If someone really cares about the person they are with then they would never do it. To say that he did it because he was mad is such a lame excuse.

But as mentioned above, your question really is, "is cheating forgivable for you". You are the only one that knows the answer.

BoozyBabe · 29-03-2007 03:23PM

As others have said, only you can answer the question of whether or not YOU can forgive him.

Personally, I couldn't forgive someone who cheated on me. If we don't have trust, we have nothing.

So what about the next time you have a little tiff. Is he gonna run out & find another randommer to snog?
Even if he's not, will you be sick with worry every time you do have a little tiff in case he does, or will you avoid bringing up things that are bothering you in case it leads to a tiff, etc, etc....

Pettals · 29-03-2007 03:26PM

Look to be honest I don't think that cheating is forgivable. He only "kissed" her now and got away with it, he could think to himself he would get away with it again in the near future.. I'm my opinion i would make him sweat, tell him you need time for your exams, have a break and see how things go after that. It's up to you but this is what i would do, if he decides to go off with someone else it's just not meant to be and he's a pig.

Tiff's shouldn't lead someone to cheat on the other person, fights or rows shouldn't either. If the person loved you the thought shouldn't have crossed thir minds.... espaecially after a small tiff..

Good luck with your decision!

LegacyUser · 29-03-2007 03:29PM

Two things,

this happened to me when i met this girl, it was early at the start so i decided to let it go, she straightnend up after that completley, i am happy with her but everytime she goes out theres a part of me thats always awkward and paranoid, so i dont think there is 100% trust on my part, lets just say if this was to happen one year on i wouldnt accept it but only considering the past.

for you, i would advise if you really like him, give him another chance, but only if you think you will be able to trust him cause in the long run you will lose sleep over it as opposed to losing a few weeks sleep over the break up.

better early than late, if you do decide to let him off, get back slowly, dont let it be all rosey so he realises how much its effected the relationship. so maybe say you need time to think then talk about it and get together without being all touchy.

good luck

OLDYELLAR · 29-03-2007 03:32PM

No its not and if he even thinks for a minute that having a tiff is a reason to go snogging somebody else then he needs a good smacking.

You`ve not been going out that long and hes already shifted somebody else, Id say cut yer losses and get a fella that doesnt feel the need to shift somebody else after a row.
Its very easy say I love you , doesnt necessarily mean anything , actions speak louder than words , love needs to be shown just saying it doesnt mean Jack sh*t.

TBH He sounds like a twat..........Yer best off out of it.

Nevyn · 29-03-2007 03:54PM

OLDYELLAR advocating voilice will get you banned from this forum.
Wether spanking or smacking is par tof your relationship that does not mean it is a solution for other couples and is legally assulating a person.

OLDYELLAR · 29-03-2007 04:06PM

Thaedydal wrote:

OLDYELLAR advocating voilice will get you banned from this forum.
Wether spanking or smacking is par tof your relationship that does not mean it is a solution for other couples and is legally assulating a person.

Point Taken.

snakybus · 29-03-2007 04:17PM

you filthy young man

I suppose you think this is funny?

It's not

(did you take a photo?)

thad wrongcock · 29-03-2007 04:21PM

if he was all like, ooh i'm like sorry, maybe you should be all - so what??? if my GF was with my VBF i'd be all like "i trusted you - NO WAY" . Get that major LoSeR a one way ticket to Dumpsville - FROM RYANAIR!! lOLZ

be strong xD

garthv · 29-03-2007 04:21PM

In my experience....no.
About a year ago I found my girlfriend cheating on me and I forgave her....6 months down the line the same thing happened so I got rid of her.

Maybe thats just my personal experience!

Nevyn · 29-03-2007 04:33PM

Damon_Kind Banned.
snakybus don't repond to trolls use the report post feature .

Pixie4 · 29-03-2007 06:13PM

At the moment, he's saying that he'll move heaven and earth to sort this out.....wants to meet me face to face and discuss it all. He cheated before in the early stages of a previous relationship, sorted through it and they went out for a further 5 years. I guess it still comes down to the fact that he did it, relatively sober (he denied he was drunk) because he was annoyed at me. I'm sorry for ranting but I'm so flipping confused and it's totally messing up my studies at the moment.....:(

LegacyUser · 29-03-2007 06:31PM

Hi Pixie. Its hard to let go. You probably want people to tell you to take him back, it sounds like thats what you want.

Was in a similar situation once, in my opinion cheating is a trait as much as the color of your eyes. I would die before I cheated, sadly I feel sometimes I am in a minority. I think once a cheater, always a cheater, you can mask it, even fool yourself, but eventually, it comes back. Just like it has for your fella, it will probably come round again too. Hard to hear.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you. Its such a helpless feeling when someone commits the ultimate betrayal. I used to think I'd walk away and not look back, but it was so difficult (I was late twenties when it happened having just bought a house together). Found someone much better though... albeit it took some time and to be honest I am not sure I will ever truly trust anyone except myself again...

B*stards who do this, always cause more damage to you than they do to themselves.

D

King of Kings · 29-03-2007 11:41PM

Pixie4 wrote:

It really comes down to "Is cheating forgivable"??

yes it is forgivable. but in your case it's not. He cheated on you over some minor tiff - he cannot be trusted cos he did it out of spite to hurt you rather than any of the more forgivable reasons.

I suppose he was honest why he did (give him that) but he showed himself to be a nasty selfish boy and he'll do it again. defo

Pixie4 · 30-03-2007 12:33PM

Once again thanks for all the replies. I have just told my now ex boyfriend that I cannot continue to be in a relationship with him after what he has done. The more I discover....he gave her his number....he continuously texted her for days after whilst also texting and ringing me... convinces me that he really just wants to have his cake and eat it . The fact that we are in a LDR relationship at the moment only makes things worse as I'll suspect he's up to all sorts since I'm not there. I don't want to be that kind of a person, suspicious and untrusting but thats exactly what I would be like if I stayed. Thanks to all, appreciate the advice.....

BoozyBabe · 30-03-2007 02:06PM

Hi Pixie4.

Think you made the right call there.
Best of luck in the future.

ILMF · 30-03-2007 03:23PM

Who says that the young man in question shouldn't be with them other chicks too? He told you the truth, so he really hasn't cheated. Monogamy is part um a Judeo-Christian value system, like. Have fun.

So its not a question of cheatin?(staying on topic, sorry)

Nevyn · 30-03-2007 03:38PM

ILMF, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Is cheating forgivable?

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