Seriously worried about my 28 yr old sister

Genghis · 27-03-2007 02:18PM #1

The story begins over two years ago with a long-term relationship break-up. After 6 or so years together, including time away together and time spent living together, my sister and her bf split up. No one is really sure why exactly; at 25 years of age my parents and I felt rightly that if she wanted to tell us she could; if she prefered not then that was fine.

Since that time she has moved back home with my parents and become a virtual recluse. Her day pattern is get up, go to work, come home (circa 6pm), get into pyjamas and either watch tv for an hour or two and then head to her bedroom with a book, or head straight to her bedroom. She doesn't emerge til next day. Then she repeats. Weekends are the same, only with no work (i.e. TV / bedroom and sleep).

The ex stays in touch and so, my theory is, her hope of re-engaging is still there. My parents have spoken to her about this, but the only exception to her life above is the times she gets to see him (about once every 1-2 months). She refuses to break contact - it is almost as if he is a lifeline of sorts.

Over the last 18 months all sense of the good relationship I once had with my sister is gone - she never texts / calls, is very formal towards me; never delays when I phone her, and doesn't seem to be around when I am calling on my parents. I had some good news recently (starting a family) and this would be something she once would've been very keen to share with me - I barely got a congratulations before she reverted to type.

Now my mother thinks that she is anorexic - I won't bore you with the details, but she has not been seen eating more than a few biscuits in recent times, she avoids going out for lunches etc with my parents (something she loves), and she is sick (vomiting) a lot.

She has no interest in hobbies, exercise, taking classes or otherwise socialising - as I said, she is even starting to avoid family occassions.

Does anyone have any idea how to approach this? I would like to hear from anyone who was once in a similar place, or even someone who has a close relation who had a similar problem.

Thanks.

slumped · 27-03-2007 02:47PM

try and get her to a doctor.

S

Genghis · 27-03-2007 02:54PM

She is seeing a doctor for a problem she has (requires minor surgery). My Mam has already tried to use the forum of her regular visits to a specialist doctor as a solution.

However, as my sister is 28, the doctor won't discuss anything other than the medical condition with my Mam (which sister given consent for), and appears not interested in broaching the subject of her other problems directly with my sister.

I will check with my Mam if she goes to a GP - am not sure that she does. That could be a potential solution, thanks.

Snail30 · 27-03-2007 03:33PM

Hi Genghis,

To me it sounds like she is displaying all the symptoms of someone who is depressed...her GP should have or should be able to recognise this and if not you need to get her to go to see someone else...this is vitally important - she needs professional help.

Maybe you should try and talk to her or even offer to take her away for a girlie weekend and she might open up to you...sounds like she is stuck in a rut so this might help. Also you parents should try and get her into a routine of going for a walk every evening as this really helped a friend of mine suffering from depression...the evenings are longer now so it's a good excuse.

Best of luck

padser · 27-03-2007 03:33PM

Don't know how much a doctor will be able to help unless she is depressed. To be honest I would be more worried if she wasn't living at home. At least she isn't out living by herself. I know 18 months seems like an incredibly long time but maybe its genuinely taking her that long to get over a 6 yr relationship. It could easily take 3 months to get over a 1 yr relationship after all....

slumped · 27-03-2007 03:34PM

you could call her GP and tell him/her in confidence your concerns.

The GP can then check it out when she is with him again or better still, make a phone call to see how she is.

S

dellas1979 · 27-03-2007 03:35PM

I think you need to provoke her a little.

I went through very hard times when I split up with my partner of 5 years. I basically did not function for about 6 weeks. Seriously.

I needed a kick up the behind, by various family and friends.

Does she have any friends?

I got to the point where I got physically violent towards my sister - but I didnt care at the time.

I went to the doctor for sleeping tablets, as I wasnt sleeping or eating through anxiousness (I lost a stone and a half).

I told her why and she said help was available to me if I was becoming depressed.

I went home and thought about the sleeping tablet etc and I said to myself that I wouldnt use them. I never did. Something clicked in me. I didnt get that far as to need medical intervention, but it nearly came to that.

I know you have great things going on in your life (I hated the sight of kids - my niece - while I was like that. I would refuse to go into the same room and thought I hated her), but your sister doesnt seem to be coping with things changing around her.

Normal people are normally happy. She isnt acting normal.

I think you need to provoke her a little to see what is going on. I cant believe in someway that you didnt approach her already. She is 20 whatever years old, but sometimes no matter what age, you need help/friends/family to rely on.

xebec · 27-03-2007 03:36PM

A GP would be a good start. Even just on the premise of getting her to go for a general check-up. Another option would be putting her in touch with a counsellor.

BoozyBabe · 27-03-2007 04:04PM

Genghis wrote:

The story begins over two years ago with a long-term relationship break-up. After 6 or so years together, including time away together and time spent living together, my sister and her bf split up. No one is really sure why exactly; at 25 years of age my parents and I felt rightly that if she wanted to tell us she could; if she prefered not then that was fine.

Since that time she has moved back home with my parents and become a virtual recluse. Her day pattern is get up, go to work, come home (circa 6pm), get into pyjamas and either watch tv for an hour or two and then head to her bedroom with a book, or head straight to her bedroom. She doesn't emerge til next day. Then she repeats. Weekends are the same, only with no work (i.e. TV / bedroom and sleep).

The ex stays in touch and so, my theory is, her hope of re-engaging is still there. My parents have spoken to her about this, but the only exception to her life above is the times she gets to see him (about once every 1-2 months). She refuses to break contact - it is almost as if he is a lifeline of sorts.

Over the last 18 months all sense of the good relationship I once had with my sister is gone - she never texts / calls, is very formal towards me; never delays when I phone her, and doesn't seem to be around when I am calling on my parents. I had some good news recently (starting a family) and this would be something she once would've been very keen to share with me - I barely got a congratulations before she reverted to type.

Now my mother thinks that she is anorexic

I thought you were writing about me up until that very last line.
My mum defo does not think I'm anorexic!!!!

I don't have a whole pile of advice for you.
But seriously, your 1st four paragraphs describe me almost completely, & tbh, I'm perfectly happy & 'normal'

1st paragraph:- exactly as I'd have written about myself.
2nd paragraph:- exactly as I'd have written about myself, except on a Sat / Sun I might go to shops, or maybe go out, might spend a bit of time with bf.
3rd paragraph:- I also have kept in contact with said ex. Like to go he's doing ok, don't regularly meet up though. I don't want to rekindle anything.
4th paragraph:- Again, pretty much what I'd write about myself

Why? I like my own company. I enjoy the peace & quiet. I'm not the type of person who can get hyper & overly excited. I find it hard to express my emotions with out breaking down & crying, so I don't share them.
I also avoid family occasions as much as I can:- too much fuss.
I did recently get myself a few hobbies, for no real reason except I thought it was a good idea that day, but I spent many years without any & was perfectly happy.

If that's all you had said, then I'd have told you your sis is perfectly fine.

Pretty much your whole post seems to me like she COULD be perfectly happy in her own wee world, except for when you mentioned not eating & vomitting a lot.

Could she have seen herself as ugly & unattractive & overweight & so would never be able to get herself someone else?
Perhaps she's making heself throw up every little bit of food she eats in an attempt to lose weight.

If that's the case, you've to try & get her to see sense, tell her you think she has an eating disorder & that you want to help her before it gets out of control.

Not much advice, I know, but I hope things improve for you,

Genghis · 27-03-2007 04:06PM

Thanks all, especially xebec. The walk idea is a good one. She doesn't have a whole heap of friends - a couple at work, a couple from growing up, a couple in the same circle as her ex. I wonder do they realise there is any problem - she is good at appearances.

I think she ultimately does need counselling - but this is naturally something that is very difficult to bring up.

One other thing - I do not live at home, in fact I live some way away. If I were to try to talk to her about her habits, it would be obvious that my Mam has been talking about her to me, and much worse, asked me to intervene. I don't think this is would be productive; in fact I think that it could be a reason for her to move out away from my Mam.

Oh, and Snail30 I can't do a girlie weekend - I'm her brother

b3t4 · 27-03-2007 04:10PM

Op, by your original post it sounds like you've been tip toeing around the issue with your sister.

Ask your sister straight how she's feeling and if she replys "fine", ask how is she really feeling? Not in a pushy way but in a way that lets her know that you are there to talk to and that you are concerned about her. Tell her how if she doesn't feel like talking right then and there let her know that she can come to you. The key for you is to listen and not rush in with solutions. Do remind her and yourself that you aren't a counsellor or a doctor.

Your news is wonderful about you starting a family to you but for her it probably reminds her even more of what she doesn't have.

A

dellas1979 · 27-03-2007 04:22PM

You know, some people will wail and scream and be horrible for a bit - getting it out of their system, and some people go intravert to cope.

But the point is, even if she is just being intravert, from what youve said, she doesnt seem to be coping.

Was she ever like this pre-boyfriend/during relationship?

I would encourage you to talk to her before medical intervention........what about by saying something like "starting a family is pretty scary......lalalala" or something which provokes her and see how she reacts. She might open up indirectly.

Snail30 · 27-03-2007 04:35PM

Oops sorry!

little lady · 27-03-2007 04:39PM

If you can’t go on a girlie weekend \ night how about your wife (if they get along) or your sisters friends, something like a spa day and then a meal \ drink afterwards, it would give her time to herself in the spa (but will relax her), it will make her feel better about herself and then she might open up a bit at dinner\pub.

I would suggest that whoever goes with her wouldn’t probe too much, if she doesn’t want to talk about it, she will only clam up even more if pressurised. She needs to realise that there is life after her ex and that it can be really good, but she has to realise this herself, no one can make her see it, they can only help her to see it.

LegacyUser · 27-03-2007 05:46PM

She doesn't have a whole heap of friends - a couple at work, a couple from growing up, a couple in the same circle as her ex. I wonder do they realise there is any problem - she is good at appearances.

just a thought but maybe the reson shes become such a recluse is because she doesn't have anyone to go out with? i mean shes prob trying to avoid the friends who are in the same circle as her ex, as for work friends? meh i wouldn't socialise with my work friends?

maybe its a confidence thing?
i presume she used to socialise when she was dating her ex, i mean if shes being in a relationship since she was 19, ( which is awfully young ) maybe the knowledege or saftey of the relationship allowed her to be more outgoing than she actually is? as boozybabe said some people just like their own company? yes her behaviour may have changed since the breakup but if she was always a bit reclusive and quiet before she started the relationship maybe thats just her nature?? if she was always outgoing however it would seem that she may be depressed.

Overheal · 28-03-2007 02:15AM

She might get some good out of an anti depressant. The first one that springs to mind is (surprise) thc. Course, there are others that are easy to get through a GP, like prozac. These can help to help her chemical depression, but she still needs to talk about her problem for it to be effective.

Sleepy · 28-03-2007 05:07PM

Could you invent a weekend away that you've won in a competition that your girlfriend / best mate / significant other can't join you on for some fictitious reason and take her away somewhere for the weekend? Might give you some time to have a proper chat with her?

Cindirs · 01-04-2007 10:05PM

Hi Genghis,
Just quick comment to say how fantastic u are and even if ur sister isnt acknowledging ur help, I know she must appreciate what a kind generous brother she has. Dont be worrying. It Takes us sensitive girlie souls time.Sum longer than others to adjust to changes in the luv life. Am sure shell be fine, just needs to be able to see how shes wasting time to enjoy life- it will hit her any day. Relax and enjoy ur own life and luk forward to ur own dreams being fulfilled. Things will only get better 4 her, im sure.
Teke care,
PS Have u any single brothers/ close friends as caring as urself!!!!:D

Seriously worried about my 28 yr old sister

Comments