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step mom??

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Comments

  • #32
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    luckat wrote:
    Corinthian, no; circumstances vary.
    They do, which is actually part of my point. We don't know exactly what happened that caused the father in this case to apparently reject the child, but he was instantly demonized by half of the posters here. Yet if a mother chooses adoption or abortion and essentially does the same, we are expected to feel nothing but sympathy for her.


  • #33
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    luckat wrote:
    Really? Is this an Irish figure? Where did you get it, please? Interesting!

    Its an American figure. Irish figures cant really be collected with all the "unofficial divorces". You know those people who aren't together but are still legally marrried, despite having moved on and created new families.

    There is a lot of data on blended families and step parenting on the web and in bookshops. It will be easy for you to find.


  • #34
    luckat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,366 ✭✭✭luckat


    Mm. Wonder why it would be. I suppose it's more difficult to live with people with all the insecurities and jealousies, and everyone already perhaps feeling wounded by a broken-up relationship, while an original marriage - if it 'takes' - might have fewer strains.

    It's a sad thought. From my own, tiny, limited experience among a circle of friends, those who've settled into a relationship after a few tough experiences have stayed with it for 20 years or more. But it is a tiny circle of friends that I have, obviously, not a big international study group!


  • #35
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    1. financial strain

    2. Loyalty issues

    3. Geographic conflicts

    4. Parenting issues

    5. Housing and space issues

    6. Jealousies

    7. Lack of incest prohibition within step families

    the list is endless.


  • #36
    luckat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,366 ✭✭✭luckat


    I can understand why there might be extra strains - I'm just surprised at the figure, because in my own small circle, none of the stepfamilies have broken up. The stepfamilies were second, more mature marriages (or non-marriages, though mostly they've got married for financial reasons about 15 years or 25 years after getting together), while the first marriages (or non-marriages) were impassioned early relationships.


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  • #37
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    In fairness, most divorce statistics show that there is a considerably higher divorce rate in second marriages than in first, regardless of stepchildren. This may well be down to the unfortunate probability that those who have failed in a relationship in the past are more likely to fail again in the future.

    Certainly stepchildren would add to the stresses imposed on any relationship, but simply noting a correlation is not enough to claim causation without looking at the bigger picture.


  • #38
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    30% of all weddings in the US give birth to a stepfamily (i.e., are stepcouple weddings), and now we know that without intervention around 70% will end in legal divorce.

    http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view.php/id/176


  • #39
    Nasty_Girl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,327 ✭✭✭Nasty_Girl


    The Corinthian wrote:
    Yet if a mother chooses adoption or abortion and essentially does the same, we are expected to feel nothing but sympathy for her.

    I've never heard anyone feel sorry for a women who has an abortion.
    Unless it has the "Oh she was raped" tagline strapped to it.

    Women who have abortions are called murderers and inhuman. Even the bloody MAP is still frowned upon in this country!

    Check out the first few posts of this for example, I couldn't read all of it because it was sickening
    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055056702
    Women who give up kids for adoption are called monsters and unfeeling.

    A woman can't just walk away from a child she doesn't want she has to make a concious effort to "get rid of it".

    Why does everything on boards have to turn into a battle of the sexes?


  • #40
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Indeed.

    And what everyone seems to be forgetting is that the father knowlingly or not, is practising is child abuse and OP is absolutely powerless to stop it and that this child will be and probably is in emotional pain.


  • #41
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Nasty_Girl wrote:
    I've never heard anyone feel sorry for a women who has an abortion.
    Unless it has the "Oh she was raped" tagline strapped to it.
    I said that we are expected to feel nothing but sympathy, not that we always do and your post, complaining that we don’t, underlines this.

    And many people do feel sympathy for women who had abortions, for the circumstances that brought them there and the repercussions, social and psychological, that they have had to endure as a result.
    Women who give up kids for adoption are called monsters and unfeeling.
    No they’re not. Outside of a few nutcases who believe that adoption is a crime against humanity, that’s simply not true.
    A woman can't just walk away from a child she doesn't want she has to make a concious effort to "get rid of it".
    Yes, she does. But in the case of the father in this thread, he is not allowed to do even that, or if he attempts to he is vilified.
    Why does everything on boards have to turn into a battle of the sexes?
    Everything doesn’t, but this issue does because it is built on a gross legal injustice that is entirely gender biased.


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  • #42
    flamingo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭flamingo


    The Corinthian wrote:
    Everything doesn’t, but this issue does because it is built on a gross legal injustice that is entirely gender biased.

    Not sure I can agree with this ... the child's health and well-being are paramount, and this father's neglect of his child is inexcusable. In fact, in this case, it's not simply neglect, so much as complete & utter overt rejection, it would seem -far better for a child not to know their father, than to be faced with a cold and uncaring rejecting father!

    Regardless of whether or not he is 'ready' for the child, the child is here, and he has responsibilities. It's not a 'gender' issue, per se. I would be (and very much am) as critical of mothers who do not acknowledge their children's needs, who reject their children, who refuse to let their children hug them, who believe that their own behaviours will have no impact on the neglected child. I work in this field every day, and see, day in day out, the long-term impact of parents who chose not to take proper responsbility for their children. It is inexcusable.

    So, no, it over simplifies the issues to try to make this an issue of gender inequalities. It's not about the father OR the mother, it's about the child.


  • #43
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    flamingo wrote:
    In fact, in this case, it's not simply neglect, so much as complete & utter overt rejection, it would seem -far better for a child not to know their father, than to be faced with a cold and uncaring rejecting father!
    I would tend to agree with this. Of course, we don’t know the circumstances behind his unwilling contact; his parents appear to be the driving force there.
    Regardless of whether or not he is 'ready' for the child, the child is here, and he has responsibilities. It's not a 'gender' issue, per se.
    Well it is. The child is here because he had no choice in the matter. Had he been a woman who did not want to become a parent, then she could have chosen otherwise and we would not be discussing responsibility. So unfortunately the rights afforded by gender does play a significant role in this.
    I would be (and very much am) as critical of mothers who do not acknowledge their children's needs, who reject their children, who refuse to let their children hug them, who believe that their own behaviours will have no impact on the neglected child. I work in this field every day, and see, day in day out, the long-term impact of parents who chose not to take proper responsbility for their children. It is inexcusable.
    Again, I’d tend to agree with you. If a mother or father chooses to be one, then they certainly have that responsibility.

    It’s difficult to say what happened in the case of the father in this thread. It’s certainly possible that he made that choice then changed his mind after the fact, in which case I certainly agree that he is in gross dereliction of at least his emotional responsibilities towards his child. However, his parents may have forced the issue and chosen to involve themselves regardless of his wishes, in which case he’s simply been put in an even more difficult situation. Either way, it’s difficult to say.
    So, no, it over simplifies the issues to try to make this an issue of gender inequalities. It's not about the father OR the mother, it's about the child.
    Yet all you’re doing then is replacing one oversimplification with another. It’s not about the father or the mother or the child, it’s about the father and the mother and the child.


  • #44
    simu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,730 ✭✭✭✭simu


    The thread seems to be going in a humanities direction...

    Back to the OP - I don't know if there's a correct response in this situation - how you react will depend on how you feel about the issue, how serious you are about your bf, what sort of qualities you expect in a bf, how your bf feels about the whole thing. Personally, I wouldn't be happy to see someone close to me neglecting a child of theirs, I would try to encourage the father to build a better relationship and if it didn't work out, I would seriously reconsider my relationship with him. (That's if it was a serious relationship - if it was casual, I'd leave things be). But that's only one way of going about things. The situation obviously bothers you though - have you ever got your bf to talk about how he feels about his daughter? That might provide some explanation of his behaviour - better than endless speculation, anyways.


  • #45
    Nasty_Girl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,327 ✭✭✭Nasty_Girl


    The Corinthian wrote:
    I said that we are expected to feel nothing but sympathy, not that we always do and your post, complaining that we don’t, underlines this.
    Where exactly did I complain that we don't???
    I just said I've never heard it.
    I rarely hear people feel sorry or "nothing but sympathy" for them.
    I didn't actually give my opinion on how I feel about abortion or adoption I just indicated the views that I as a female have encountered.
    The Corinthian wrote:
    No they’re not. Outside of a few nutcases who believe that adoption is a crime against humanity, that’s simply not true.
    If you say so, but I've heard otherwise. Mostly by women. I'm not going to argue because unless we go around to every person in the world and record their views we're not going to have any proof are we?
    The Corinthian wrote:
    Yes, she does. But in the case of the father in this thread, he is not allowed to do even that, or if he attempts to he is vilified.
    How can you just walk away from something living inside of you. You either have to be pregnant for 9 months or have an abortion. Either way you can't just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.
    The Corinthian wrote:
    The child is here because he had no choice in the matter. Had he been a woman who did not want to become a parent, then she could have chosen otherwise and we would not be discussing responsibility. So unfortunately the rights afforded by gender does play a significant role in this.
    She raped him did she? Milked him while he was asleep and then used a turkey baster or brought his stuff down to the IVF clinic??
    I'm really sick of this "poooor men are forced to be parents by evil selfish women" bull****.
    If you don't want kids, have a vasectomey, don't have sex or do it up the ass.
    The pill fails and Condoms break. That's life. Everytime you have sex there's a chance you'll cause a baby and it's time everyone realised that and took responsibility for their actions.
    Abortion and Adoption are not easy run of the mill things to do, so its not a simple black and white case of "sure a women can just have an abortion", especially not in this country anyway.

    Anyway none of that helps the OP really.

    Its sad that this guy isn't interested in his kid, but then plenty of dads (and mothers for that matter) aren't interested in their kids even when they have "chosen" to have them and live with them, maybe he just doesn't like children at all. Some people don't.


  • #46
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Nasty_Girl wrote:
    Where exactly did I complain that we don't???
    I just said I've never heard it.
    Sorry, I got the impression that you disagreed with the situation whereby sympathy is withheld from women who’ve had abortions. I was obviously wrong.
    If you say so, but I've heard otherwise. Mostly by women. I'm not going to argue because unless we go around to every person in the world and record their views we're not going to have any proof are we?
    Indeed.
    How can you just walk away from something living inside of you. You either have to be pregnant for 9 months or have an abortion. Either way you can't just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist.
    I certainly am not suggesting anyone should or can ignore the situation but women do choose to walk away from something living inside them every day. As you said yourself, it’s life.
    She raped him did she? Milked him while he was asleep and then used a turkey baster or brought his stuff down to the IVF clinic??
    Are you suggesting then that a woman who gets pregnant through consensual sex should be forced to bring the child to term and contribute to its upbringing? Because that is in effect what you’re suggesting of men.
    I'm really sick of this "poooor men are forced to be parents by evil selfish women" bull****.
    And TBH, I’m pretty sick of the same women crying out that it’s their right to choose one minute and then whinging how we should think of the children the next, whenever it suits them.

    You can’t start moralising about people taking responsibility for their actions and then claim that some of those people should be given an ‘out’, however difficult, from doing so. It’s pure, unadulterated hypocrisy.
    Anyway none of that helps the OP really.
    No it doesn’t, but all I’ve tried to do is put forward a counter to the automatic vilification of the father that took place here. As I’ve repeatedly said, he may be the total wanker that’s been suggested by some here, but there may also be another side to the story, of which I have simply suggested a few (not even just one) possibility.

    I do think ultimately this thread is going down the humanities road at this stage and that the OP has been given enough opposing views to at least feel that the situation may not be as black and white as some here believe.

    Beyond that, she should discuss the matter with him, taking into account that she may only get one side of the story.


  • #47
    Beruthiel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 42,361 ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    OK
    What exactly has all of the above to do with helping the OP?

    I suggest you lot take your debate to the Humanities forum.
    B


  • #48
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Why are people assuming this child is the result of something unplanned?

    Why are people assuming that he didnt want the child?

    Why are people forgetting that this is a child who is being abused and she is at the heart of this?

    Why dont people notice that there are horses in kildare who get better treatment than this little girl does from her own father?

    Why is this about rights and entitlements of grown ups when it should be about the rights of the child to receive love from both her parents?

    Why do so many threads turn into WHY CANT A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN?


  • #49
    luckat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,366 ✭✭✭luckat


    The Corinthian wrote:
    Everything doesn’t, but this issue does because it is built on a gross legal injustice that is entirely gender biased.

    http://tinyurl.com/2hrmwk - Carol Coulter's report, Family Law Matters, on the *actuality* of divorce in Ireland, rather than the weepy fantasy of some men.


  • #50
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,772 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    luckat wrote:
    http://tinyurl.com/2hrmwk - Carol Coulter's report, Family Law Matters, on the *actuality* of divorce in Ireland, rather than the weepy fantasy of some men.
    WTF is your point? We're not even talking about divorce, where the issues surrounding parenting would already be different, let alone all the other ones. But feel free to add in your straw man if it makes you feel better.


  • #51
    Beruthiel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 42,361 ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    luckat and TC
    Did either of you see my above comment?

    I said take your debate to the Humanitites forum.
    Consider this your last warning.
    B


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  • #52
    the14me
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭the14me


    i am madly in love with this guy, and i know he loves me too.
    thanks for all your opinions its a great help to see other ppls views
    about how he reacted to the pregancy; he never suggested she "get rid of it"


  • #53
    ILOVENYC
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭ILOVENYC


    Hey there,

    I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and he was married with two kids. He sees his two daughters every evening after work for a couple of hours and at the weekends (saturdays) he sees them from 11 to around maybe 5 or 6. They stay with us every second weekend. His youngest is 8 and when they stay with us she follows me around, and the 14 years old and myself get on great too.

    My boyfriend gets on well with their mother which is great I think, it shows the two girls that just because Mammy & Daddy aren't together anymore doesn't mean they can't be friends. It also shows a united front to the children when it comes to rules and punishment.

    To the OP I would say talk to her boyfriend about the way he treats his daughter when he is with her. To me this is a clear guideline as to how he will treat his (if any) future children. I would also say it to him about his parents being so involved maybe they should take a step back they are after all the GRANDparents. They more they do the less he will do. This man needs to step up of the plate and be a father.


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