Single Mother Relationship Dilemma.

DeepBlue · 27-02-2007 04:07PM

padser wrote:

WOOOO....can people slow down and let up a little bit.

No. It's far more fun to impose idealised behaviour on the OP than actually address the issue he presents.
It's also far more convenient for people to confer ideals on others when they most likely don't actually have to live up to those ideals themselves :rolleyes: .

Reading some replies it appears some people think the "honourable" thing to do is commit to his gf or otherwise he's being a dick.

O.P. The best thing to do is be honest with your gf and let her know how you feel about things. She may take it well or she may take it badly but it's far better than "going cold" and have her wondering what the hell happened.

Nevyn · 27-02-2007 04:19PM

DeepBlue wrote:

Reading some replies it appears some people think the "honourable" thing to do is commit to his gf or otherwise he's being a dick.

Nope, the honourable thing is to break up with her honestly due to his issues instead of playing games stringing her along and blowing cold so that she breaks up with him or trying to put the blame on her for being a single parent and assuming she even thinks he would be worthy to be eventually allowed to met her child.

DeepBlue wrote:

The best thing to do is be honest with your gf and let her know how you feel about things. She may take it well or she may take it badly but it's far better than "going cold" and have her wondering what the hell happened.

wow pretty much what everyone else has been saying.

Marksie · 27-02-2007 04:43PM

DeepBlue wrote:

Reading some replies it appears some people think the "honourable" thing to do is commit to his gf or otherwise he's being a dick.

No the honourable thing would have been for him to keep the last in his trousers and not think with it. Because that is what it boils down to in the end.

Thead: its possible that mine could be construed personally, but i attempted to respond to points in the post which stood out.

As i said, my sympathies lie with his G/friend, i suspect the OP was looking for more than advice on how to finish it, but some endorsment. While yes, it is right that it does end, it is also justified to point out in no uncertain terms that it shouldn't have begun in the first place.

Deepblue: It is not imposition of "idealised" behaviour, it is basic respect. If the OP learns by it well and good. if not, well i for one am not going to rub savlon on his conscience.

Edit: Padser: how old are you 21/22... the OP is 26 and should know better, by his own admission he has the mental maturity of an 11 year old, he needs to grow up.
I find it ironic that, like some latterday St. Francis he forgives her and now expects absolution.
By his own admission he is going to devastate her.. i hop he has the courage to look her in the eyes when he tells her... in that way he will see what he breaks inside.

DeepBlue · 27-02-2007 05:04PM

Thaedydal wrote:

Nope, the honourable thing is to break up with her honestly due to his issues instead of playing games stringing her along and blowing cold so that she breaks up with him or trying to put the blame on her for being a single parent and assuming she even thinks he would be worthy to be eventually allowed to met her child.

Apparently the OP is not allowed to feel uncomfortable with his girlfriend having a child. Instead he has "issues" :rolleyes:.
Is it mandatory that he feel comfortable with the idea? Is he less of a man because he's not? Does it somehow make him "unworthy"?
Where do people get off coming up with this rot?

The OP has expressed his concerns in his initial post. It doesn't take too much reading between the lines to see that he's concerned that his girlfriend might be upset if he breaks up with her and she might attribute this to the fact that she has a child. He has asked for advice on how best he might break it off with her.

Beruthiel and others might think he should know exactly how much he cares about his gf by the second date but I think it takes longer than that to establish how a relationship might progress. IMO even two months is still early days in a relationship.
Perhaps others possess some deep instantaneous foresight that the OP and myself lack but for some of us it takes longer to know how we feel about our partners and to look at how we think the relationship might pan out.

IMHO the OP has already acted honourably. He's recognised that he doesn't love this girl and wants advice on how to end the relationship in the best way possible. Why not offer him that instead of jumping in with the sanctimonious, moralising nonsense?

marksuttonie wrote:

....i suspect the OP was looking for more than advice on how to finish it, but some endorsment.

That's quite an assumption.

marksuttonie wrote:

By his own admission he is going to devastate her.. i hop he has the courage to look her in the eyes when he tells her... in that way he will see what he breaks inside.

By that logic no guy should break up with a girl if she's going to be upset about it. They should just maintain the relationship whether they love her or not :rolleyes: .

Crea · 27-02-2007 06:22PM

I would worry about any parent being given a reason to resent their child. Why does having a child have to be mentioned in the break up at all?
The fact of the matter is that this is not the girl for him. If she were then having a child and what his parents think wouldn't be a problem for him.
OP - you need to break up with this girl asap. Just tell her that she isn't the girl for you and it's pointless continuing with the relationship. Yes, she will be hurt but there is no way of getting around this and she will get over it, it's only a 2 month relationship after all.
She told you about the child on the first proper date. Realistically that's probably the best time to tell you instead of after a snog that may not have gone anywhere. There is nothing for you to forgive. You are as responsible for the relationship lasting as long as it has so please don't try to pass blame to others.
Good luck with the breakup. It's not going to be easy but it's the right thing to do.

Crea · 27-02-2007 06:28PM

I would worry about any parent being given a reason to resent their child. Why does having a child have to be mentioned in the break up at all?
The fact of the matter is that this is not the girl for him. If she were then having a child and what his parents think wouldn't be a problem for him.
OP - you need to break up with this girl asap. Just tell her that she isn't the girl for you and it's pointless continuing with the relationship. Yes, she will be hurt but there is no way of getting around this and she will get over it, it's only a 2 month relationship after all.
She told you about the child on the first proper date. Realistically that's probably the best time to tell you instead of after a snog that may not have gone anywhere. There is nothing for you to forgive. You are as responsible for the relationship lasting as long as it has so please don't try to pass blame to others.
Good luck with the breakup. It's not going to be easy but it's the right thing to do.

LegacyUser · 27-02-2007 06:48PM

'U seem a decent, honest chap.
I think U should tell her the truth in a nice, gentle way.
Afterall, this is how U are feeling about the situation.

U might be surprised - she might have heard it all
before ; AND, surely will again.

And, in passing - isn't it always the same story :
U always hear only one side of the story - how
big a bastard the ex was ...
Well, it takes 2.'

King of Kings · 27-02-2007 09:25PM

Unreg111555 wrote:

I suppose the bottom line is that I'm just not happy with the fact that she has a child.

dunno why but I'm sure you have your reasons.

Be a man and end it. or else you'll end up being a prick like her ex.

Padser wrote:

BUT it is not unreasonable to take two months to get your head around the fact that you simply can not cope with a 'ready made' family

why do you assume she wants him for that?

Marksie · 27-02-2007 09:35PM

DeepBlue wrote:

Where do people get off coming up with this rot?

experience probably

DeepBlue wrote:

Perhaps others possess some deep instantaneous foresight that the OP and myself lack.

Yes

DeepBlue wrote:

That's quite an assumption.

A strong suspicion

DeepBlue wrote:

By that logic no guy should break up with a girl if she's going to be upset about it. They should just maintain the relationship whether they love her or not :rolleyes: .

Where on earth did you come up with that idea? Simply, he should realise the impact of his actions and learn by it and the best way to do that is to see first hand what affect it has.

DeepBlue · 27-02-2007 10:06PM

marksuttonie wrote:

experience probably

Prejudice probably

.

marksuttonie wrote:

Where on earth did you come up with that idea? Simply, he should realise the impact of his actions and learn by it and the best way to do that is to see first hand what affect it has.

The impact of his actions?
He embarked on a relationship, he discovered he didn't want to continue it and asked for advice on how to end it with the least possible distress to his girlfriend. That sounds commendable to me.
You make it sound like he took a baseball bat to her or something :rolleyes:.

MojoMaker · 28-02-2007 12:08AM

Presumably after ****ing her for two months he is now bored. By his own admission the kid is irrelevant to the relationship between them and not a source of inconvenience to anything they had planned. The realisation of suggested impending responsibility hitting home and the judgemental eye of his parents only now becoming a factor suggests that the poster is of a tender emotional age - 11 by his own mouth.

Blame the parents, blame the friends, hell even blame the kid, but whatever you do don't suggest for a moment that he might have exercised some control over his c*ck during the preceding 60 days. Now's he's done the 'single mum thing' - what's next? The 'foreigner'? The 'shop assistant'? The 'separated woman'....the mind boggles :eek:

Beruthiel · 28-02-2007 09:21AM

padser wrote:

it looks like she was more then happy to oblige!

Of course she was, she assumed she was with someone who was comfortable with her being a single mother, who respected her for who she was and who didn't have outdated hangups about her.

DeepBlue wrote:

Beruthiel and others might think he should know exactly how much he cares about his gf by the second date but I think it takes longer than that to establish how a relationship might progress

He plainly said that he could never be with a single mother because of his parents cracking up and him having a lot of hang ups about the situation.
This hardly came to him two months later, those hang ups were there for a lot longer than that, making your above point moot.

g-punkteffekt · 28-02-2007 09:37AM

I think he's worried what his parents will think because he obviously has a lot of respect for his parents and wants to find a girl that both he and his parents would be pleased with. I can't imagine any parents being happy if their 26 year old told them he was seeing a single mother, when there are so many single girls out there without another man's child. Don't pick on me for saying this but the truth is that no parents would want their young son with a single mother.

The Corinthian · 28-02-2007 10:18AM

Unreg111555 wrote:

Anyway, so now it's almost 2 months down the line and I'm still going out with her. I know for sure, 100% that she's mad about me and that if I broke up with her that she would be totally devastated. I don't love her, although I do care about her and I would hate to do anything to hurt her, particularly considering the fact that she has already been badly hurt before. I feel awful about the whole thing and just don't know what to do.

Break up with her. Whether or not you feel guilty because she has a child, or perhaps obligated because it was your child or even if it was simply a case of a woman who you didn’t want to hurt for any other reason, it is the worst idea in the World to stay with anyone if they’re not the person for you and you know it.

If you do, out of pity, responsibility or even guilt, you will eventually break up with her anyway because you’ll be so miserable with the relationship that wasn’t working anyway and in the meantime you’ll have made her miserable too because of this. Better that you bite the bullet and spare everyone a lot of heartache – I know this from very bitter experience.

As for how to break up, I certainly would not mention the child, even if that is a reason. Tell her you’ve met someone else, or that you’re still getting over someone and thought you were over it, but aren’t or any other plausible reason that she can believe that will not involve her blaming her child. Meet her and launch into it within the first fifteen minutes of doing so. Don’t procrastinate and certainly don’t have second thoughts once your decision is made.

You’ll feel bad for a short while after, but you’ll also know you’ll have finally done the right thing.

DeepBlue wrote:

Apparently the OP is not allowed to feel uncomfortable with his girlfriend having a child. Instead he has "issues" :rolleyes:.
Is it mandatory that he feel comfortable with the idea? Is he less of a man because he's not? Does it somehow make him "unworthy"?
Where do people get off coming up with this rot?

I’d tend to agree. If she was in a wheelchair and this was an issue, no doubt it would be his fault that he did not want to be with her. If she was divorced and this was an issue, no doubt it would be his fault that he did not want to be with her. If she was fat and this was an issue, no doubt it would be his fault that he did not want to be with her.

And to a degree it would be, but at the same time that does not make it wrong. People have various criteria for the individuals they’re with, whether we like them or not, and trying to impose political correctness on love really is less than acceptable.

He does seem to be trying to do what it the best think in a bad situation and telling him he has issues because he has a problem with her having a child is frankly irresponsible.

Marksie · 28-02-2007 10:35AM

DeepBlue wrote:

Prejudice probably .:.

Doubtful given the people involved

DeepBlue wrote:

The impact of his actions?
He embarked on a relationship, he discovered he didn't want to continue it and asked for advice on how to end it with the least possible distress to his girlfriend. That sounds commendable to me.
You make it sound like he took a baseball bat to her or something :rolleyes:.

Every action has consequences, either physical or emotional. His initial suggestion was not very commendable. However, It is one thing to break up with someone via a letter or phone call. It is another to see the direct conseqences of ones actions first hand it is a more salutory lesson and may give him pause for thought next time.
Glad to see you have discovered the smilies

The Corinthian · 28-02-2007 10:41AM

marksuttonie wrote:

Doubtful given the people involved

How so?

Marksie · 28-02-2007 10:52AM

The Corinthian wrote:

How so?

Given past posts Corinthian, they do tend not to be predjudiced. But if you want to be pedantic, the word predjudiced could be replaced with bias perhaps. So they would have a bias based on experience, as others with a different viewpoint would have a bias based on theirs

Iago · 28-02-2007 11:23AM

I was going to cut and quote, but I'll make some general points instead.

Most of the respondents are women, and are insulted that any man would consider breaking up with them that way. I understand that, the same way I understand that women often break up with men that way, and that insults me. So their responses are colored as a result, that doesn't make them any less valid, but colored none the less.

A number of the female respondents are also mothers, and the thought that their children could ever be the cause of some man not wanting to be with them leads to revulsion and anger. This is evidenced by their responses, and again while valid, colors the possible responses the OP will get.

Some of the mothers are single mothers and their response is aggresive and defensive because they themselves have been, or may be in a similar situation and so it hits home more than normal. These opinions are also valid, but colored.

OP,

You met a girl, she liked you, you liked her. Then she told you that she already has a child, of course that affects your thinking, and you responded in the right way by saying that's ok. because it is ok, it's perfectly fine for a girl to be a single mother. It's not ideal for her, but as long as she's doing the best for herself and her child then it's all good. Having had some time in the situation and a chance to evaluate where you want your life to go, you've decided that your future plans, at least in the short term, don't involve any responsibility to a child (and whether she likes it or not if you are involved with her, then you take on a measure of responsibility to her child. How much and what it actually means is a whole other topic more suited to humanities or parenting I think) and because of that you want to walk away.

As others have said you're best bet is to be honest with her, the honest truth being that you're not ready for a full-on relationship right now. You've thought it through and you think it would be best for you to be on your own, becuase you can't commit to developing a relationship fully it's best if you go your seperate ways.

I don't think you're particularily immature, I think you've tried to avoid being seen as "a bad guy" by mentioning parental pressure and trying to palm off responsibility on this girl for not telling you this as you were introduced. To me they're the actions of a rabbit in headlamps as opposed to an underlying immaturity. Anyway, tell her straight out and let her get on with her life while you get on with yours.

You're not a bad person, and nobody ever has a responsibility to keep a relationship going longer than they feel they're happy with. If either party isn't 100% committed for whatever reason, it's far better to walk away and give each other the chance for true happiness with someone else. Of course that's just my opinion, and it's colored by my experience

edited for spelling mistakes, if I missed any tough luck!

Femelade · 28-02-2007 11:41AM

g-punkteffekt wrote:

I think he's worried what his parents will think because he obviously has a lot of respect for his parents and wants to find a girl that both he and his parents would be pleased with. I can't imagine any parents being happy if their 26 year old told them he was seeing a single mother, when there are so many single girls out there without another man's child. Don't pick on me for saying this but the truth is that no parents would want their young son with a single mother.

But really like, really....is it such a big deal in this day and age?? Not ALL Parents are like that. My sister was going out with a single father..is that different? They didnt have a problem with it, she was happy and that is the most important thing, she wasnt becoming an instant mother to this child.
I had a child from a relationship that went very bad, i now have a boyfriend who has no problem with me having a daughter, but that said, his mother has a problem, but i am passed caring...I deserve some happiness after all that i went through. People need to be more open minded about things like this, its happening everywhere.

blue banana · 28-02-2007 12:08PM

The Corinthian wrote:

As for how to break up, I certainly would not mention the child, even if that is a reason. Tell her you’ve met someone else, or that you’re still getting over someone and thought you were over it, but aren’t or any other plausible reason that she can believe that will not involve her blaming her child. Meet her and launch into it within the first fifteen minutes of doing so. Don’t procrastinate and certainly don’t have second thoughts once your decision is made.

Don't tell her you've met someone else, that's just going to make her feel more heartbroken than she already will be.

Marksie · 28-02-2007 12:14PM

Femmy wrote:

But really like, really....is it such a big deal in this day and age?? Not ALL Parents are like that. My sister was going out with a single father..is that different? They didnt have a problem with it, she was happy and that is the most important thing, she wasnt becoming an instant mother to this child.
I had a child from a relationship that went very bad, i now have a boyfriend who has no problem with me having a daughter, but that said, his mother has a problem, but i am passed caring...I deserve some happiness after all that i went through. People need to be more open minded about things like this, its happening everywhere.

Femmy a close friend of mine started dating a man with a child from a previous relationship. She too was worried what her parents would say... it didn't stop her though. Bottom line they are happy.

LegacyUser · 28-02-2007 12:18PM

The Corinthian wrote:

People have various criteria for the individuals they’re with, whether we like them or not, and trying to impose political correctness on love really is less than acceptable.

He does seem to be trying to do what it the best think in a bad situation and telling him he has issues because he has a problem with her having a child is frankly irresponsible.

This makes me feel much better. The bottom line is that if she didn't meet any other criteria that I felt was important then I wouldn't think twice about breaking up with her e.g. if she was unintelligent/rude/insensitive etc. I'm just delaying on this issue because it is one that I consider to be of some substantial delicacy and to be honest I feel bad about it but what should I do? Stay with her and be unhappy in order to avoid being politically incorrect? As for people who have said that I shouldn't let my parents run my life then all I have to say is that I respect my parents and that I wouldn't do anything to hurt/upset them and bringing home a girl with a little child by her side would upset them and would perhaps upset my teenage sibling too and I am not prepared to do that. It's settled then. I'll break up with her face to face as soon as possible.

Thanks.

The Corinthian · 28-02-2007 01:51PM

marksuttonie wrote:

Given past posts Corinthian, they do tend not to be predjudiced. But if you want to be pedantic, the word predjudiced could be replaced with bias perhaps. So they would have a bias based on experience, as others with a different viewpoint would have a bias based on theirs

So you mean they are predjudiced? Either they have a bias based upon whatever reason that causes them to colour their thinking or they don't. TBH, I think Iago has pointed out why quite well.

Femmy wrote:

But really like, really....is it such a big deal in this day and age??

Well, for some people it is, just the way that some will avoid relationships with divorced people because it might mean they cannot get married in a church or some will not date fat people because they're... well... fat. Is that fair? Probably not, but it is life.

Othertimes it's not a bid deal, but it can be one small deal too many. After all, a child from a previous relationship (even if they are not the primary custodian) is not nothing and if you end up in a lifelong relationship with this person it will have an affect upon your future together.

blue banana wrote:

Don't tell her you've met someone else, that's just going to make her feel more heartbroken than she already will be.

Fair point.

Marksie · 28-02-2007 02:16PM

The Corinthian wrote:

So you mean they are predjudiced? Either they have a bias based upon whatever reason that causes them to colour their thinking or they don't. TBH, I think Iago has pointed out why quite well.

Nope.

To be honest corinthian i don't intend to waste my time with playing with words with someone who is usually on my blocked list anyways.

PinkPrincess26 · 28-02-2007 02:58PM

g-punkteffekt wrote:

I think he's worried what his parents will think because he obviously has a lot of respect for his parents and wants to find a girl that both he and his parents would be pleased with. I can't imagine any parents being happy if their 26 year old told them he was seeing a single mother, when there are so many single girls out there without another man's child. Don't pick on me for saying this but the truth is that no parents would want their young son with a single mother.

I know that the only thing that my parents would want for me was that I was happy, regardless of who I was with, and sure the majority of parents would think that way. No back to the point.

If you knew on the second date that she had a child, obviously at this point you knew that mammy and daddy wouldnt approve,so you should'nt of had a third date. Be an adult and tell the girl you just dont want to be with her anymore and grow up if mammy and daddy let

The Corinthian · 28-02-2007 04:19PM

marksuttonie wrote:

To be honest corinthian i don't intend to waste my time with playing with words with someone who is usually on my blocked list anyways.

With respects, I'm not playing with words, I'm just pointing out that you don't appear to know what you're talking about. But do feel free to use indignation to wriggle out of this one.

Tweeter · 28-02-2007 04:41PM

He should have finished it after the 2nd (1st ?) date when she announced to him that she had a child - Totally unhelpful and pointless rubbish, he can't turn back the clock.

Maybe he thought it was worth a shot, and if he had fallen madly in love with her the kid and his parents (supposed) disapproval wouldn't have mattered to him. Don't jump on him for testing the water and making pointless comments about him thinking with his cóck, you could argue that she was thinking with her fanny if you like, but it doesn't help one bit now does it?

OP, you've both obviously had a bit of fun over the past couple of months, and if her having a child is clearly not the package you want long term then that's perfectly acceptable to me. Simply end the relationship, but don't don't quote the kid as being an issue, simply say that you feel the relationship has peaked and you feel there's nothing more to be gained by continuing

metrovelvet · 28-02-2007 04:44PM

When you love someone, you accept and dare I say it even love the circumstances they come with.

However,arent well all limited in our capacity to love and surely this is correlative to age and maturity in that how well you can love at 16 is different to how you are able to whenn you are 45.

As much as you love her, you do not love her enough to follow through with all that would be required of you to enter this picture with her, like face up to your family, meet her son, and probably come into frequent contact with her ex.

It takes a certain strength for all that, and if you are teoo weak then its better to bow out, but do tell her that you just dont think you can handle it.

If it makes you feel any better, single mothers get dropped for having kids, even by the very fathers of those same children, for the very same reasons you are citing.

Iago · 28-02-2007 05:42PM

metrovelvet wrote:

It takes a certain strength for all that, and if you are teoo weak then its better to bow out, but do tell her that you just dont think you can handle it.

Your post was going great until this part. If somebody does not, on mature reflection, want to continue in a relationship with a single parent then that doesn't make them weak by default. It's a lifestyle choice, not a lack of mental and/or moral strength. Regardless of how active you are intially in a childs life you will become more and more active as time goes on, that carries with it a level of responsibility and no small degree of self-sacrifice.

Declining that road for yourself is not an indication of weakness, more a personal choice. After 2 months in any other relationship you would generally still be getting to know each other, and could afford the luxury of carrying on for another while to confirm your feelings, personally I think the OP is showing some maturity to know that he has to end it now and not drag it out on the hope that somehow his feelings will change.

metrovelvet · 28-02-2007 05:56PM

Yes thats fair. I was projecting my impression of him as having a weak character based on his initial strategy of lying and pretending to wiggle out of the breakup under the pretentions of "not wanting to hurt her" when really he doesnt want to deal with her pain. IMO that is weak and I carried that impression with me on my last post.

Yes, its not a sign of weakness but of self awareness to know what you can handle and what you cant.

Single Mother Relationship Dilemma.

Comments