Single Mother Relationship Dilemma.

LegacyUser · 26-02-2007 11:07PM #1

Ok,

Ok. Unregistered. I'm in my mid 20's and have been seeing this girl for a couple of months and she has a three year old child from a previous relationship. We met at a New Year's eve party and I didn't know about the child when we met originally and she only told me about him when we were on our second date (that's if you consider the new year's eve party to be a date, it was really just a party that we had both attended independently of each other). Anyway, I wasn't too happy the first second I heard but then she went on to tell me this story about how her ex-partner had treated her really badly etc and I really felt sad for her and I suppose I kind of forgave her not telling me straight out that she had a child and I just ended up telling her that it was ok and that I didn't mind.

Anyway, so now it's almost 2 months down the line and I'm still going out with her. I know for sure, 100% that she's mad about me and that if I broke up with her that she would be totally devastated. I don't love her, although I do care about her and I would hate to do anything to hurt her, particularly considering the fact that she has already been badly hurt before. I feel awful about the whole thing and just don't know what to do. I have never met the child as whenever we go out she gets her sister/sister in law to mind him and she always stays over in my place, I've never been to her house. I do care for her but at the same time I know that if we split now/soon that I could live without her, I'd be upset but I'd get over it soon enough. I suppose the bottom line is that I'm just not happy with the fact that she has a child. I just want to do something about this soon (one way or the other) before the issue of meeting her son and/or her family comes up for discussion. I would hate to introduce myself into the life of a child in circumstances where I thought that any relationship that might be formed would prove to be unsustainable. Furthemore, my own parents would crack up if they saw me with a single mum.

Bottom line is that I have to break up with her. It'll hurt me and probably devastate her but it's all I can do and I know the sooner I do it the better. Is this reasonable? I just feel shellshocked or something. At Christmas I hadn't a care in the world and now I feel like I'm going to be a father or something, it's just too much to take in.

What do you guys think of me just becoming really cold towards her and unmanageable and then kind of creating a situation where she got fed up with me and maybe initiated the break up herself? Would that be a reasonable thing to do? It would maybe mean that she wouldn't have to tolerate the rejection by being told that it's because of who she is right? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

P.S. I feel horrible about this whole thing so please try to understand it from my viewpoint. I'm not the kind of guy who just goes around preying on single mothers, I just kind of got myself uncontrollably tangled up in this whole thing.

metrovelvet · 27-02-2007 01:22AM

What do you guys think of me just becoming really cold towards her and unmanageable and then kind of creating a situation where she got fed up with me and maybe initiated the break up herself? Would that be a reasonable thing to do? It would maybe mean that she wouldn't have to tolerate the rejection by being told that it's because of who she is right? Any advice would be appreciated.

Dont do that, its passive aggressive and also shows cowardice. Its also mixed messages which is a very very cruel thing to do. You are not breaking up with her because of who she is, but because YOU cant handle who she is or the circumstances she is in. Just be clear to you and her about that.

Just tell her that you care about her,but you are afraid that you cant handle an instant family and you think its best to end things before they too complicated.

And as a side note, I wouldnt tell a man I met first t that I had a child. You cant be too careful of predators. Its not necessarily a deceptive choice, but a protective one.

daiixi · 27-02-2007 01:43AM

Oh my gosh you don't want to hurt her yet you're suggesting that you be a complete arsehole to her? Do her a favour and tell her that you don't want the package deal. Honesty is the best policy in a situation like this.

27-02-2007 02:59AM

Unreg111555 wrote:

I suppose the bottom line is that I'm just not happy with the fact that she has a child.

Given this, it would be in the best interests of the woman and child for you to move on.

What do you guys think of me just becoming really cold towards her and unmanageable and then kind of creating a situation where she got fed up with me and maybe initiated the break up herself? Would that be a reasonable thing to do?

No, it would be insensitive, dishonest, and brutal. Meet with her in a private, non-public setting, explain why you are breaking up with her, then sit there for as long as it takes for her to clarify, vent, and cry over the breakup. Don't lie to her, or just tell her and run. And don't do it on the phone, text, email, or snail mail.

Beruthiel · 27-02-2007 09:17AM

Unreg111555 wrote:

What do you guys think of me just becoming really cold towards her and unmanageable and then kind of creating a situation where she got fed up with me and maybe initiated the break up herself? Would that be a reasonable thing to do? It

No
That would be a cowards thing to do.
There is no easy way to break up with someone. It's only two months, she will get over you. Tell her straight and as soon as possible.

The_Conductor · 27-02-2007 09:28AM

Unreg111555 wrote:

I don't love her, although I do care about her and I would hate to do anything to hurt her, particularly considering the fact that she has already been badly hurt before.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will get, and the more hurt she will be when you do eventually tell her. Bite the bullet, do the grown-up thing and be 100% honest with her. Do not do the "really cold" thing towards her. Take responsibility for your actions.

When you date someone who has a child, you have to accept that you are making more than a regular commitment, and if you are not willing to accept this- you *must* move on.

Totally aside from how badly you hurt the mother, think of how hurt her child will feel if they get attached to you, and then you mistreat their mother.

Move on..... now.

ando · 27-02-2007 10:45AM

Yea have to agree with other comments, dont mess around with the girl if she has a child in the background. I was told by my girlfriend really early on that she had a child from a previous relationship and it didnt bother me cause i really liked the girl for her and wanted to get to know her for her. Im with her now nearly 10 months and its going strong and i really like the kid aswell and love being around him!

Sit down and think clearly about your future with the girl... do you REALLY like the girl enough, do you think you will love her in the future...? Just be carefull and dont mess around

koneko · 27-02-2007 11:13AM

If you don't want to be with her, break up with her. What do you think delaying that will achieve? She'll just become more "invested" in the relationship and it'll just be worse when you break up then.

LegacyUser · 27-02-2007 11:37AM

Do the girl a favour and break up with her for god's sake. Let her find herself a real man who'll love her and accept her the way she is, not judge and stigmatize her because she had a child with someone she thought she loved and it didn't work out.

Grow a pair and tell her exactly how your feeling so she can see you in your true light and get over you quicker.

Lets hope you don't fall pray to those wretched single mothers again eh?! For their sake.....

Femelade · 27-02-2007 12:08PM

Dont treat her bad just to make yourself feel better. I am a sinlge mother and that was done to me once..its not a nice feeling. Just be honest, she will understand!! Its ok to not want a relationship with a single mother, its not for everyone, but just be honest with her about it.

You might really like her, and you are not a bad person to have realised that its not for you, but dont drag it out and do it as soon as you can, in the nicest possible way. Yes, she will probably be hurt, its only human, but she will also appreciate your honesty.

shinners007 · 27-02-2007 12:28PM

i agree with the other posters,

dont delay - break up with the girl, face to face and be honest with her.
the fact that the child hasnt been directly involved is a good thing so if breaking up is what you really want to do then do it not in a cowardly way but in an honest way before things get too complicated.

im sure the girl may be upset but she'll appreciate your honesty in the end.

a quick question for you-- if she wasn't a single mum who you still be deciding to break up with her???

or is it that she is a single mum and your family or friends may not approve is the real reason your going to break up with her. just think about it does she make you happy, will you regret breaking up with her or do you belive breaking up is the right thing for you to do and your 100% sure about it.

best of luck
and remember honesty id the best policy:D

LegacyUser · 27-02-2007 01:05PM

shinners007 wrote:

question for you-- if she wasn't a single mum who you still be deciding to break up with her???

Maybe not, but isn't that like saying if she didn't have 2 legs would you be breaking up with her? The fact of the matter is she is a single mum and I'm just a 26 year old guy with the committment capabilities of an eleven year old boy. I'm going to tell her everything that's on my mind at the weekend, I'll let you know how I get on.

Thanks.

Nevyn · 27-02-2007 01:15PM

Are you of the opinion that she wants a series relationship with you and wants you in her childs life ?

You have already said she has her time with you sepreate from her child.

If could be she does not want that type of realtionship with you and is just happy to be dating you and does not want more then that.

Don't assume that she sees you interacting with her child at or that she wants a long term relationship with you rafter a few dates and a few over nights; it could be she only wants a casual relationship and some one to go out with.

I really think your real issue it this one

Furthemore, my own parents would crack up if they saw me with a single mum.

Beruthiel · 27-02-2007 01:32PM

Thaedydal wrote:

You have already said she has her time with you sepreate from her child.

That's just very smart parenting Thaed. I used to do the same, she only met the ones I had a serious relationship with, you don't tend to know that for quite a while.

now I feel like I'm going to be a father or something

You assume too much by this statement.
I never expected my b/f to take on that role. Over the years they have become friends, nothing else is or was expected. After all, I am her parent, not him.
As for what you're parents think, what you do with your life is your business.
I see a lot of 'excuses' in your comments, at least be honest to yourself.

Femelade · 27-02-2007 02:02PM

Unreg111555 wrote:

Anyway, I wasn't too happy the first second I heard but then she went on to tell me this story about how her ex-partner had treated her really badly etc and I really felt sad for her and I suppose I kind of forgave her not telling me straight out that she had a child and I just ended up telling her that it was ok and that I didn't mind.

.

I think you would have found it very strange if she had told you on the first night, for all ye both knew , ye might not have seen eachother again. i always had that dilema myself, to tell on the first or not. It is a tough one though.

Unreg111555 wrote:

my own parents would crack up if they saw me with a single mum.

.

My boyfriend of 6 months has mother that REFUSES to accept that he is going out with a single mother. I have never met her and i dont hink she has any interest in meeting me, which bothered me at first but now it doesnt. i'm in a relationship with HIM, not HER. You shouldnt be using your parents as an excuse...If you like her, it shouldnt matter what others think. Shes a single mother....thats not an infectious disease.

StormWarrior · 27-02-2007 02:16PM

It's ok that you don't want to date a single mother. But being mean so that she dumps you is just taking the coward's way out. Just tell her kindly and asap that although you've had a great time with her, you just don't feel it can go any further as your feelings just don't run much beyond friendship and you aren't ready for commitment.

Miss Fluff · 27-02-2007 02:49PM

Unreg111555 wrote:

What do you guys think of me just becoming really cold towards her and unmanageable and then kind of creating a situation where she got fed up with me and maybe initiated the break up herself? Would that be a reasonable thing to do? It would maybe mean that she wouldn't have to tolerate the rejection by being told that it's because of who she is right? Any advice would be appreciated..

I think your girlfriend has a lucky escape if you dump her. It's blatantly evident from your post that you don't have the maturity to handle a relationship. I was shocked, nay stunned, quite frankly to see that you are in your mid-20s. Have an ADULT conversation with her and tell her it's not going to work out. She showed remarkeable judgement not introducing you to her 3-year old, by the sounds of things the kid may have mistaken you for a foster sibling. :rolleyes:

warrenaldo · 27-02-2007 03:00PM

i agree with miss fluff. your 25 - i cant believe your 25 years old and your still worrying about what your parents would think if you went out with a single mother.
so bloody what - its none of their business. and im sure that maybe initially they would be reserved but long run - they wont give a damn.

this girl is getting a very lucky escape. at least she did the smart thing and not introduce you to her child.

Marksie · 27-02-2007 03:04PM

OP: Your g/friend told you very early on.. the second date is almost immediately(or first date). She therefore was entirely honest and upfront ....i am sorry but there was nothing for you to forgive her for!

You did not get yourself uncontrollably tangled up, you got what you wanted and now you don't want it anymore, because with it comes the responsibility.

There is a saying.."when the sacks are full the brains are empty". And THAT is exactly what i believe happened in your case.

Have the courage to face her with this and face it directly. See what your actions will do to her and learn by it.

You tell us that you feel horrible and that you are shellshocked...b/s total and unmitigated. What you are is waking up to the realisation that you have had your fun and want to move on, the fact that you would consider breaking with her in such a fashion as you first proposed does not incline my to any sympathy for you to be honest.
All your post is saying to me is self pitying look at me it was an accident.. i forgave her etc.... total rubbish. you are justifying things to yourself but i am afraid it doesn't wash with me.

It is hard enough for a single mum as it is. She told you the truth, you either selfishly ignored any indication of what you would do to her are were too immature to realise it.
Either way..the only thing i see that elicits sympathy is the effect you are going to have on her. It WILL devastate her, her confidence, her trust. there are so many single parents out there these days, many hoping that they will find someone in their lives. By the gods if they read this they must just think their fears will be confirmed.

BUT i am not going to advocate staying .. the best you can do is get out as its only two months. But grow a pair and look at what you have done.

Additionally, my parents had no option, i was in a relationship with the woman, not my parents. I was fully aware that... to keep it simple, her and her child were together. I am not sure if this is about the parents is an excuse, a reason or just spinlessness

shinners007 · 27-02-2007 03:15PM

OP STATED Maybe not, but isn't that like saying if she didn't have 2 legs would you be breaking up with her? The fact of the matter is she is a single mum and I'm just a 26 year old guy with the committment capabilities of an eleven year old boy. I'm going to tell her everything that's on my mind at the weekend, I'll let you know how I get on.

that statement says alot about you as a person. if my fiance lost is legs for example or had an accident that changed his life or appearance i would not just dump him.

from the second date she told you she had a child why did you carry on seeing her after that if you knew your parents wouldnt approve and that you have committment issues. i think the answer to that is when ya said ya'd the mentality of an 11 year old.

luckily she hasnt introduced her child to you which implies that the girl isnt expecting to marriage you, meet the family etc... at 26 your extremely immature and you still allow your parents to control aspects of your life.

break up with this girl, she deserves much better than you. the days of not going with some one as they have a child are well and truly gone in the past except when ppl like you act like this. she was good enough for 2-3 months for ya and then you suspect well things might be moving on- oh god have i to meet the child? will she want to meet my parents? ***alrm bells ***. that alarm surely went off the second date when she mentioned the child were probably ringing then too. that was when you should have broken up with her rather than giving the girl false hope.

so ya go do the right thing and leave her be.

PS: you need to grow up op

padser · 27-02-2007 03:24PM

WOOOO....can people slow down and let up a little bit.

The guy is perfectly entitled to say 'I dont want to go out with a single mother'. She didn't tell him immediately when they met up and made plans to see each other again. He is entitled to feel like he has 'ended up' in this siutation.

Fair enough you can dislike his plan to try to get her to end it, but that is exactly what he came here to get advice on. He was simply toying with different ideas. Can people not just express their dislike for his plan, without attacking the poster simply because you disagree with him.

'PS you need to grow up' for example doesn't help matters. #

OP, as you said, the sooner you break up with her the better. You have not done anything wrong or reprehensible so don't feel bad. It does't look like you are going to get much good and or non judgemental advice here so you probably need to look elsewhere.

Best of luck

Nevyn · 27-02-2007 03:26PM

Second date is soon enough and he could have bowed out gracefully then or a day or two afterwards.

shinners007 · 27-02-2007 03:30PM

yes padser he is entilted to say that. how ever he did not `end` up in a situation like this. the second time they met she told him about the kid. hence he could of and should have finished it then if he always knew he didint want to go out with a single mum and that his parents wouldnt approve etc..

the ps grow up to the op what the hell is wrong with that statement after at 26 he selfishly decided that he'd try to get her to end it with him and he stated his has the commitment span of an eleven year hold. this all coming from a 26 year old man. i think saying grow up was putting it nicely.

and btw i agree the sooner he ends it the better for her sake.

Beruthiel · 27-02-2007 03:38PM

padser wrote:

The guy is perfectly entitled to say 'I dont want to go out with a single mother'.

Indeed he is.
So why go out with her for two months then?

She didn't tell him immediately when they met up and made plans to see each other again.

Hi, my names Beruthiel and I'm a parent :rolleyes:
Is that what all single mothers are required to do these days?
She told him on their first 'official' date - she couldn't have told him any sooner.

He is entitled to feel like he has 'ended up' in this siutation.

He ended up in this situation because he allowed himself to.

PS you need to grow up' for example doesn't help matters

Actually in this instance, I think it's very helpful.
Thinking before you proceed into something you might regret later is a good thing and requires a certain level of maturity.
Did the guy not know from the very beginning that he had no intention of staying with a single mother? So why did he stay with her then?
I could hazard a guess.

padser · 27-02-2007 03:41PM

shinners007 wrote:

. the second time they met she told him about the kid. hence he could of and should have finished it then if he always knew he didint want to go out with a single mum and that his parents wouldnt approve etc..
.

Look of course he could gave done things differently, and it would have been better. BUT it is not unreasonable to take two months to get your head around the fact that you simply can not cope with a 'ready made' family. Sure it would have been better if he had realised this immediatly, but he didnt.

I just think that for someone who came here genuinely looking for advice, he is getting a pretty raw deal. He specifically asked if it would be better for her sake if he tried to get her to break it off with him. He may have been misguided in his logic here, but don't go getting abusive towards him over it.

shinners007 · 27-02-2007 03:41PM

well said b.

look padser. i understand to an extent what ur saying. how ever as he knew his parents wouldnt approve then he would have have had the intent of ending it anyhow. i nver abused or was aggressive to the op. at the end of the day my opinion from the op's posts is that at 26 he needs to grow up and he deserves no empathy as he allowed the situation to become where it is currently at.

at the end of the day this forum is about opinions and im entilted to mine as you are to yours. i simply believe he caused this situation and it was not caused as the girl was a single mum. he knew that from the second date and hence his behaviuor is not justified

Nevyn · 27-02-2007 03:45PM

Pff he was looking for an easy way out with out facing up to how he felt about the matter and what his issues are about it.

He should be honest and honourible about and see that it is about him and accept responsiblity for it and for what the out come will be.

Petey2006 · 27-02-2007 03:46PM

To be honest mate, grow a pair and break up with her yourself. She sounds like she could do a hell of a lot better, so do her a favour.

padser · 27-02-2007 03:56PM

Fair enough, i just think some of the posts directed at the OP were a little OTT and in many other circumstances wouldn't have been tolerated on this forum which is generally (and this is mostly Thaedydal in fairness) extremely strict on any kind of personal abuse.

I don't necessarily agree with the OP, I just feel that [aside from his plans for how to break up with her] didn't do a whole lot wrong - apart from not realising immediately that a single mother wasn't for him.

As for Beruthiel's final cynical comment :rolleyes: it takes two to tango, and from reading the OP's post, it looks like she was more then happy to oblige!

shinners007 · 27-02-2007 04:05PM

seriously padser, i think youve made your point. the op was not subjected to personal abuse- ppl simply stated their views opinions and ADVICE.

just cos i said the op should grow up doesnt mean that he will:p

. how ever in making a statement like that i would hope it would highlight errors that he made i.e suggesting making the girl break it off with him.

and i dont feel for him, he should have realised a single mum wasnt for him immediately as he stated his parents wouldnt approve. the sympathy lies with the girl in this one not the op.

lets just hope he does the right thing now.

as for baiting the mod's sooner you than me!!!;)

Nevyn · 27-02-2007 04:07PM

Please point out the personal abuse,
telling someone who grow up is not to my mind personal abuse.

Hi, my names Beruthiel and I'm a parent
Is that what all single mothers are required to do these days?
She told him on their first 'official' date - she couldn't have told him any sooner.

Ah bring back the old days when single mother's had to wear aScarlet Letter
and were shunned.

Single Mother Relationship Dilemma.

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