Cheating house mate, what is the right thing to do?

Powerpuff · 22-02-2007 07:14PM #1

Last night I had to listen to 2 hours of moaning, head board banging, balls slapping, spanking etc(very very thin walls) ... Usually when this happens I don't care but this time the girl wasn't his girlfriend.
I feel so guilty because I wont say anything to his girlfriend but we are friends (through him) and if he wasn't my house mate i'd probably tell her. This happened 6 months ago and I never said anything back then either.
They've been together 6 years and seem to be very much in love, (I hope I don't come across as a sneaky pervert here but it doesn't seem like their sex life is very exciting tho) . They're talking about the future, spending the rest of their lives together...

He has become a very good friend but I hate this about him, he has even tried it on with me twice the last month when we were drunk but I was just pretending he was joking... I wont move out cos this isn't a frequent thing but when it happnes I feel sick and seeing them cuddling in the sofa next to me when we're watching telly is getting awkward. He obviously doesn't care about anything when he's drunk, and even tho he is constantly flirting with everyone the gf trust him 100 %. It's strange because she's not naive or gullible or anything.

I don't know were i'm going or with this or why I posted. I will just pretend it never happened and just continue being a bad person.

What would you do? Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

Ruu_Old · 22-02-2007 07:21PM

Difficult situation you are in but its not really up to you though in my opinion. It'll make things very awkward for you if your roomate found out it was you who called him out on this. I think this roomate of yours has commitment problems and obviously isn't ready to settle down with one girl. I don't know, talk to him if it is putting you out and making you feel uncomfortable.

biko · 22-02-2007 07:31PM

You can tell him that he's an ass for cheating on his girlfriend even though you won't tell her. Might give him a wakeup call like.

It's not the evil of bad men that destroy the world but the silence of the good, or something to that effect.

iguana · 22-02-2007 10:18PM

How about talking to him. Tell him that it bothers you and ask him that if he has to have a random shag he goes to her's as that way you don't have to know about it.

ELLIEJ · 22-02-2007 11:01PM

I dunno I think I would tell her somehow..... As you say she is your friend. You could subtly 'by mistake' tease her about her grunting and groaning that night and she will cop it was not her.......
He is doing it cos he is getting away with it. Are you sure it wasnt his gf???

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 22-02-2007 11:08PM

invite the girlfriend over when you know the two of them are going to be at it

or do what ellieJ said..

Futureman · 23-02-2007 12:00AM

biko wrote:

You can tell him that he's an ass for cheating on his girlfriend

WOW - what a groundbreaking, amazing solution. Can we get this topic closed now please mods? We have found the answer!

While we're at it, Biko - can you PM me the meaning of life?

Nevyn · 23-02-2007 12:02AM

Futureman, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

biko · 23-02-2007 12:02AM

PMd :rolleyes:

Futureman · 23-02-2007 12:08AM

Thaedydal wrote:

Futureman, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Sorry Mod - just having some fun! No harm intended.

axer · 23-02-2007 12:16AM

Powerpuff wrote:

What would you do?

Its a tough call. Would love to tell you to tell on his sorry ass because there is nothing I hate more than cheaters but it is none of your business. You are better off staying out.

Powerpuff wrote:

Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

Couldn't do it myself to be honest. This is coming from a guy who has been never cheated on either. I just detest cheating. Not all guys are as your friend described.

humbert · 23-02-2007 12:16AM

It is possible. Especially if you don't dwell on them and just feel the two things, lust for one girl and love for the other, independently. Really it's between them, talk to him if you must but who benefits if you tell her?

I'm not defending him, his actions are selfish but everyone ends up hurt if you meddle.

iguana · 23-02-2007 12:32AM

humbert wrote:

but who benefits if you tell her?

Well his girlfriend would have the opportunity to meet a man who won't cheat on her. And also the heads up that she needs an sti check.

Nevyn · 23-02-2007 12:50AM

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Chucky the tree · 23-02-2007 01:18AM

Alot of men would take the chance(not the ones who post on boards, and who read this thread though - their true gentlemen)

Anyway, its none of your business so keep out of it. If the noise bothers you, tell him to keep it down. Otherwise concentrate of your own love life instead of his.

LegacyUser · 23-02-2007 02:38AM

Listen, you don't know how some people work. I personally believe the guy may be madly in love with her to the best of his knowledge but you don't know peoples reasons behind things or why he is doing this, let him learn the lesson his own way. I say leave it be and don't poke your nose in. It's just so unwanted to be honest.

23-02-2007 09:34AM

Powerpuff wrote:

What would you do? Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

If it really bothers you, perhaps you should have a talk with your cheating friend? I doubt that it will do any good. Personally, I would have no respect for him, given the circumstances you related.

Please realise that all lads are not like this cheater. There are some trustworthy ones worth having a meaningful relationship with.

23-02-2007 09:55AM

Thaedydal wrote:

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Sounds like a start, definitely.

I'd love to say "just tell her" but either do this or talk to him first.

tbh · 23-02-2007 11:29AM

been there. I said to my flatmate "Your missus is a friend of mine, and I don't like being put in the position where I have to lie to her. What you do in your own time is your own business, but bringing girls back here makes me involved. Don't do it again".

and you know what? He did. And he got caught. Nothing to do with me tho, but I'll never forget the look his g/f gave me when she realised I knew.

blue banana · 23-02-2007 11:45AM

If I was the gf I'd rather know.

BaZmO* · 23-02-2007 12:00PM

Powerpuff wrote:

And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts?

For some guys definitely.

Powerpuff wrote:

I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one...

He mustn't know that many guys so. It's like anything in life, you have some people that think cheating is perfectly ok and then you have some people that are absolutley abhorred by the very thought of it.

IMO the only thing that you can do is to tell your flatmate that while it's his life and he can do with it whatever he chooses, the fact that his girlfriend is a friend of yours puts you in a very awkward position. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he didn't do it while you were there.. He'll more than likely tell you to mind your own business, which he's entitled to do, but at least you'll have made your point.

The one thing that I most certainly wouldn't do is tell his girlfriend.

humanji · 23-02-2007 12:11PM

It may sound a little seedy, but maybe if you're going to confront him, get some proof. Just in case he decides that the best thing to do is tell his girlfriend that you were coming onto him! Not saying it'll happen, but it has happened to people before.

horsesnout · 23-02-2007 12:28PM

Mind your own business

Zambia · 23-02-2007 12:32PM

biko wrote:

It's not the evil of bad men that destroy the world but the silence of the good, or something to that effect.

All it takes for evil too truimph is for good men to do nothing.

However its a line intended for far worse situations than this. Its up to you who is more important to you him or his missus. If you have the go-nads TBH has the best advice.

Evzer · 23-02-2007 12:43PM

Evil? please... This board becomes more sanctimonious by the day. Its ****ty what he's doing but it's not your place to tell the girl. He is your mate after all have a bit of loyalty. Is this girl worth ruining the friendship over?

skywalker · 23-02-2007 12:58PM

Thaedydal wrote:

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Its really not her business to be getting involved with at all.

tbh wrote:

been there. I said to my flatmate "Your missus is a friend of mine, and I don't like being put in the position where I have to lie to her. What you do in your own time is your own business, but bringing girls back here makes me involved. Don't do it again".

But thats a much more honest way of going about it if she does want to get involved.

CodeMonkey · 23-02-2007 01:02PM

I feel so guilty because I wont say anything to his girlfriend but we are friends (through him) and if he wasn't my house mate i'd probably tell her. This happened 6 months ago and I never said anything back then either.

If you're a friend to the guy you should say something before he ruins his relationship. If they get married, the guy continues to cheat, the girl finds out, the girl will wish someone told her about his behaviour earlier. If you're a friend to the girl at all you should at least say something to the cheating boyfriend and see if he will or can stop. Even if you don't tell her at least you tried to help.

Evzer wrote:

Evil? please... This board becomes more sanctimonious by the day. Its ****ty what he's doing but it's not your place to tell the girl. He is your mate after all have a bit of loyalty. Is this girl worth ruining the friendship over?

Ah BS. If you're a real friend to the guy at all you'll stop him ruining his life over some meaningless sexual gratification. That's what loyalty is, not turning a blind eye. I'd say butt out only if the guy is just a housemate and not really a friend.

LegacyUser · 23-02-2007 01:25PM

'I was going out with someone and he was cheating with a colleague. I knew in my gut, but had no proof and when I asked him about it he denied it. His best friend was the one who actually told me in the end when I told him of my suspicions. I have never appreciated honesty so much in my life because I would have stayed with him as I didn't have any proof. I never said who told me and he never found out who it was. To this day I have so much respect for his friend for having the guts to tell me. However I was so hurt that I knew people had known and had never said anything.

I would tell your friend to stop what he is doing and if he continues on cheating then I would tell her. She may not appreciate it and he certainty won't but imagine if you were in that situation, wouldn't you prefer to be told..i certainty did.'

summerwine · 23-02-2007 01:56PM

Not all fellas are the same as this, I promise you that. It sounds like your housemate has a decision to make on who he likes. If your friends with his actual gf, I would suggest talking to her in a round about way that he is doing the dirt. Cause some ripples in this cushy scenario for the fella and then morally you are out of it.

Some people wouldn't agree with what I have written but I have been in the same situation but only with a girl doing the dirt on her bf of 8 years. I am close friends with both the fellas involved. I have managed to stay on good speaking terms with both of them after it all came to the forefront. And eventually it will come out in the open!

Good luck with your decision!

swine!

BaZmO* · 23-02-2007 02:58PM

summerwine wrote:

I would suggest talking to her in a round about way that he is doing the dirt

How? It's impossible to tell someone about something like that in a round about way, you're either telling them or you're not telling them. It's like telling someone to dig half a hole.

free2fly · 23-02-2007 03:40PM

I don't think you should tell the gf. But I do think that you should do what TBH did and talk to your friend. Tell him it puts you in an awkward situation and if he respects your friendship he'll stop doing it when you're around.

Cheating house mate, what is the right thing to do?

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