This looks like a breakup!!

LegacyUser · 14-02-2007 09:08PM #1

Yeah, so i'm here to moan... no! i'm not here to moan.. i wanna save a relationship before i lose it forever!!! Yeah, so this is sorta complex. My gf feels she cant make things work and she wants me to leave her. Now she loves me a lot and all.. but she's depressed, unstable and insecure. we've known eachother for 6months now. she feels i deserve something better than her. She suffers from extreme self-hate, thinks she's ugly, while she is quite pretty, and wishes i had a hot gf.

She feels i cant get anything from her from her but she, she wants me to leave her and go away find another girl. while she can rot in her ****. She wants the best for me. She is not the best. She cant make anything right, she cant change, this is the way she is gonna be. I should leave her and go find another girl (which is as easy as snapping my fingers!). So she now needed me to leave her alone, i wouldnt let her go, so she left leaving me here to moan to u guys...!!

Now i love this girl. She is an awesome person. I can never find another person like her. Now she is as close to the perfect girl i was looking for, just remove her insecurites and she is perfect. Okay, she's doesnt look like a supermodel, but she's the most beautiful thing under her skin. My point is. I DONT WANNA LET HER GO AT ANY COST!!!! I need to save this!! I need help!! She is gone.. She might be back cuz she loves me a lot.. but i dont wanna count on that.. I care bout this girl, i care for her a lot! Even if i leave her, the fact that I left her alone will kill me! She needs me too. She is just running away from all her needs to live alone a life of suffering (i wont go into any details there).

I cant let her go. I dont know how to make her feel better. Dont tell me she needs counselling cuz i know she does, i also know she wont be able to afford it! I try to help her myself, she says she cant help herself, she's tried all her life, she only fails, she's gonna stay the way she is. I just dont know what to do. I cant leave her. I wouldnt be able to get over her. She loves me and she needs me. I dont know! I cant leave her alone. This is crazy!! I need her too!! She's all i have! I cant see this happening to my relationship which i once thought was perfect and would last forever!! I need to do something to save this!!

Crea · 14-02-2007 09:27PM

Oh God - She needs so much help it's not even funny. She can't do it on her own, you can't do it for her. Get her to talk to her doc - go with her. They will be able to point her in the right direction. She might get a referral to the public system (don't know the waiting lists there). My sis got phychotherapy privately and it was as expensive as GP visit so managable for her. Maybe she could do that until she got into the public system.
She sounds like she is on a major downward spiral and i'd be very afraid of what she would do to herself. You are not equiped to deal with this. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP PLEASE.

loismustdie · 14-02-2007 09:46PM

anything to do with mental health is very expensive but a trip to her gp would be a good start. do her family know? is she always talking like that or what brings it on? does she have friends/hobbies/direction on life?

LegacyUser · 14-02-2007 09:57PM

She's a completely normal girl on the outside. When you meet her and all, u'll find her like just another normal girl. Its whats deep down inside of her thats a mess. She had a really ****ed up childhood (school was no better)... Root of most of her problems.

She's back, she realised she cant leave me... I always take her back without any troubles. Yeah, she is a big mess. A really big mess. I need to help her. She's been to a professional once. He gave her a few results.. She's saying it all to me. I dont think i can discuss it with u guys here. I wont. I'll try to help her as far as i can, then she needs professional help!

Any more suggessions on how i can go about with this? She is an awesome girl with a really really ****ed up past. I care for her a lot. I need to get her right...

KingKenny7 · 14-02-2007 10:06PM

She sounds like my ex. 3 years later and I still love her and I still wonder what went on in her head. Our sitution were slightly different, but he same idea.
I've learned one thing, dont let things go that far. If you love her and are meant to be together sort it out with her.

Its valentines day adn I just drank in all our locals alone and now I feel soo lonely and sad......

sort it out lad if you can, but at he same time dont be too pushy, you need the fine line to thread on not break. Gud luck

miabella · 14-02-2007 10:09PM

Hey just say to her that maybe ye should just cool things for a while..but be sure to still be her friend and see her and stuff.she needs support not someone confusing her more.let her know u care but don't get mad or angry at her cause this is her own issue and nothing to do with you probably.your so caring and helpful.she maybe just be feeling
cramped and if ur young, love and feelings can be scary!:)

Alter-Ego · 14-02-2007 10:17PM

A "break" would cause a lot more confusion and make her feel worse. Bad idea imo.

dr.bollocko · 14-02-2007 10:23PM

Maybe you being with her is causing her more pain than if she was alone, and this is why she wants you to leave her. I dont mean to imply that you are a bad boyfriend, quite the opposite I think, but it seems pretty obvious that she just isnt happy with her life at all, and doesnt want to drag you down to where she is now.
Or maybe she just needs less in her life so she can stabelise her life a bit more. When she feels deep love for you, maybe her deep feelings and worries cement her depression because she feels trapped by you in some ways, forced to be a person that she doesnt feel she can be anymore.
Its a hard one to judge, but I hope you get what you want.

Nevyn · 14-02-2007 10:36PM

You can't fix her.
Infact you can't even help her.
If you try you can wear yourself out end up resentful and make things worse for you both.

What you can do it support her as she helps herself and find the professional help she needs to fix herself.

St Bill · 14-02-2007 11:57PM

It's such a tough situation...eight years ago, I was in the same position as your girlfriend. I was going out with a guy who was a pure gentleman, he never did anything to hurt or upset me. I went out with him on and off for three years. I used to tell him he deserved someone much better but he wouldn't hear of it. We finally broke up because, as Dr. Bollocko said (such a serious topic, but your name cracks me up Dr. Bollocko!!) I felt like I needed to stabilise my life and I didn't want to be dragging someone else on such a miserable trip. Thank god everything is good for me now, although it took a fair few years to get on track.
Your girlfriend does need to talk to a professional, she'll probably swear black and blue that she doesn't need to talk to anyone though. You, as her boyfriend or friend if it comes to that, can be her support through this (if you feel you can do it). Keep reminding her that she can beat this (when you're in such a situation as your girlfriend's, it's very hard to hear what people are saying, hence the constant reminders). Tell her she WILL turn the corner.
Good luck, keep the chin up and don't forget to take care of yourself too!! There's only so much you can do

tensecyclist · 15-02-2007 07:02AM

Well, stay stucked with her or lie low but let her know you're as close as a single ring on the phone. she'd get out of that state pretty soon.;)

king_of_inismac · 15-02-2007 09:59AM

First, well done for trying to stay with her, and help her!

Have a long talk with her. She has a problem. From my own experience with relationships, her decision to end it with you is to some extent pointless, and she is just delaying the time when she will have to face up to the problem.

She might break up with you, but the problem isnt going to go away when she meets the next guy, the problem will simply transfer onto him.

Now, I'd advise you to explain to her exactly how you feel (not how she thinks you feel). Tell her you're willing to stand-by her while she gets help. (she MUST get help, that's her half of the bargain). All relationships have to deal with issues, and the key is to work through them as a united team. As I always say to my beautiful girlfriend, its you and me against the world!

If she still decides to finish it, at least you know you've done your best, and thats all anyone (including yourself) can ask!

Villaricos · 15-02-2007 04:16PM

oh god this girl could be me! seriously Ive done that before told a bf that he would be better off without me and could not for the life of me undestand why the guy liked me. I told him all that and he quie frankly thought I was a bit mad but he didnt end it with me, he kept insisting he liked me.

Anyway it was simply down to a complete lack of confidence and low self esteem on my part and the only thing that helped me was counselling. If your gf wants to move on from all this her only option really is counselling. It helped me so much.

When I first went I literally could not say anything good or positive about myself. absolutely nada. I couldnt think of anything. So the lady made me write out a list of things I liked and things I didnt like about myself. Each session we went through things on my very long bad points list and then slowly added things to my good points list.

Im much better now for it, much more confidence in myself. I really hope this girl can get better too. Your very good to be so concerned but (and this may sound harsh) you cant take this on yourself, it is her responsibility to get past this not yours. you can help her of course but its up to her.

LegacyUser · 15-02-2007 05:37PM

'Thanks guys for all your help and advice...

Yeah, we spoke last nite. she's got a problem, she needs me to help her. she cant leave me. i wanna help her. i wanna do everything possible to help her. She's been a really brave girl to go through all that she went thru and come out normal. Her history is absolutely shocking and terrifying. It got me completely disturbed when she told me bout her life. I need to help her. I cant leave her alone. She really needs me too.

The problem is we are both just students and we dont have enuf money. her family consists of just her mom and two lil brothers whom she's gotta look after most of the time. So basically, we dont have money for a councellor or a psychotherapist!! She also lives a lil far away from me so we dont get to see each other very ofter... Now no other guy will help her with this. Im the only one whom she let in that deep into her life. She has a problem trusting guys, she trusts me. And i've been strong staying with her. I think most other guys she knows would leave her by now and just give up on her. I need to help her. I love her a lot!! I need to see her happy and fine like all other girls... I need help!! I cant give up on her!! I need to get her right. I lover her... She needs me...

SO yeah, any suggestions on how i go about with this. And where can i find a good councellor?? I have very little to spend... so like.. i cant afford an expensive one...'

chuci · 15-02-2007 06:44PM

if she is a student most collages offer free counceling i know it helped me out a lot i was kinda like you explained above and my boyfriend stuck by me made all the difference i still have a wobbley now and then but he understands whats going on. but your girlf needs to admitt to heself that she needs help but she seem s to have the attitude that she has tried before and it wont work that mentaliity wont get her too far if you tell her she neeeds counciling. you cant fix someone either as much as you would like to you cant its up to her to fix herself. you really sound like you care for this girl which is fantastic tell her what you told us in the second paragraph of your op it really showed how you feel about her.she could visit her gp i guess if she wants to make a start but this is really a job for a good psychotherapist or a councelor to help her through this and of course a wonderful boyfriend. best of luck.

Nickibaby* · 16-02-2007 07:13PM

It's really admirable that you want to help her. Since she is a student there should be a counsellor in the college or if not a doctor which could refer her where she needs to go.

It must be very hard to have a happy relationship with all she is going through.

Best of luck with it

Pettals · 18-03-2007 06:58PM

Hey, look, by the description you gave of her and what she said, it sounds like how i feel with my Boyfriend, It's strange really. Maybe i can help. I think i might know whats going on in her head. She's depressed, self conscious, the world is against her. She wants everything good in her life to go now before her heart is broken anymore than it already has been! She loves you, wants to be with you, but feels she does not deserve you. It's strange i had a conversation with my boyfriend last night about the same thing, and one thing that made me feel that little bit better was the reassurance that he really loved me and i was his one priority in life.

To get her back first, show her you love her, not tell her.. SHOW HER! a little romance maybe. reassure her that you are hers and hers only,tell her everything you feel about her. Don't keep any secrets of any sort. If she's quiet hug her hold her. once your back together let her talk about all her problems talking helps alot more than people think, but she may really want to talk but won't want to, she doesn't wat to give you her problems but let her, tell her somehow to tell you that you will love her no matter what. I'm not sure if im making much sense but if any of it does i hope it helps..

good luck

xxx

limklad · 19-03-2007 02:07PM

OP,
Well done so far in sticking with her.
You need to tell her what happen to her in the past, is not her fault. She is not to blame and the future is waiting for her. She needs to let it out so both of you can have a brighter future together.
You love her for the person she is. You love her know better than any of us. So you know what makes you click with her. Tell her that. Tell her life is much better from what she experience in the past and you will be there to help her face the past and overcome it. Tell her she will be better off because she will become stronger from it. She will understand more what other people are going through in their lives than the ignorant twats that say "cop on".

Again well done on reassurance her and keeping that loving bond you have with her.

Talliesin · 19-03-2007 09:27PM

While you can't help her, you can try to keep track of what messages different things send her.

When you do something typically romantic (buying her flowers, complimenting her) or gestures about where romance and sexuality meet (when you tell her how you think she's hot) or good but outside either of those things (when you tell her about how your happy to have her in your life)* does that seem to make her react badly?

Unless it does, then having some voice in her life saying good things can be a good thing. Obviously if things like that just put her into defending her position of self-hate then that's another thing.

If she says you deserve the best and she isn't the best, don't counter defensively ("ah no honey, that's not true" has too many negatives to make a good mental impact), tell her directly that you're making damn sure you get the best and that's why you are with her.

*This is assuming you buy her flowers, compliment her, tell her about your thinking she's hot and are happy about her being in your life. Of course if you don't the question is why not?

cousin_borat · 19-03-2007 10:21PM

The biggest mistake Men make is thinking they can fix a Woman. She needs to seek counseling.

This looks like a breakup!!

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