Who's in the wrong

LegacyUser · 11-01-2007 04:45PM #1

Going out with a guy awhile now and everything with him is going fine but i'm having problems with his flatmate.

I spend quite abit of time in the flat (about 4 nights a week because my boyfriend asks me over). When his flatmate had his own girlfriend he didn't seem to mind this but they broke up over christmas and he has slightly changed.

I frequently do their shopping for them (pay for it aswell) because i know both of them are low on money.

Anyway i got some food and over the last week we've all been eating it. He made a comment the other night when all the food (that I had bought) was gone that there needed to be a discussion about the food situation in the house.

He basically said that its not fair that I'm eating their food.

I have never once denied him any of the food that i bought, but if i was to eat something he had bought he would ask me to replace it.

My boyfriend kicked up and said that i had bought the food and his flatmate didn't really see the relevance to that. He said that its their flat and if i want to eat food there i should be paying rent.

Is he right?

BoozyBabe · 11-01-2007 04:56PM

I can see both sides.

You bought the food, you are entitled to eat it & entitled to to stop him from eating it. So, he's wrong to discuss the food situation (& looking at it another way, you buying the food might make up for my next point)

On the other hand, he's paying rent, & as you said, he's short on money.
Then he sees you living there scot free for over 1/2 of that week, using their electricity / water / loo roll etc, etc, etc, all of which he shares in providing.

I can understand why he'd get narked.
If you're practically living there, he's thinking rent could be split 3 ways instead of 2, leaving him with extra dosh at the end of the week.

Do you pay rent somewhere else?

Skiesonfire19 · 11-01-2007 04:58PM

Is he right, no!

Is he an asshole, yes!

If you but it, you can eat it!

And being invited over is not a reason to pay rent!

Skies

LegacyUser · 11-01-2007 05:02PM

I live with my parents and pay rent there (not alot but i contribute)

I buy their loo roll aswell and often bring some of their clothes back to my house to wash as they don't have a washer or dryer.

I work until 11 every night at leave there at 8 in the morning so although i spend 4 nights a week there i don't spend alot of time there.

I've never gotten his way, i spend most of my time there in my boyfriends room.

calex71 · 11-01-2007 05:05PM

Are you sleeping there 4 nights a week or just calling over?

Was all this really a non issue when he had a girl friend?
Ie the situation was the same you buying food etc staying over
the same amount of time? If so he has some cheek.

podge79 · 11-01-2007 05:07PM

ask him plain and simple did his ex pay rent when she was there! hes just been awkward he's p*ssed that he's broken up with his missus and cant stand the sight of anyone else been happy in a relationship.. f**k him have ur fella stay over in ur place a few nights and then see how has ur man has survived without getting food for free

Ruu_Old · 11-01-2007 05:12PM

I can see where he is coming from being stuck for cash and you staying over there fairly often. Maybe have your partner at your place more often for a quiet life at least. He will cool down hopefully.

BoozyBabe · 11-01-2007 05:13PM

confused12121 wrote:

I live with my parents and pay rent there (not alot but i contribute)

I buy their loo roll aswell and often bring some of their clothes back to my house to wash as they don't have a washer or dryer.

I work until 11 every night at leave there at 8 in the morning so although i spend 4 nights a week there i don't spend alot of time there.

I've never gotten his way, i spend most of my time there in my boyfriends room.

Well then yes, he's in the wrong & being a twat.

Ignore him, don't allow him to eat your food & don't do his washing.
Why should you?
Is attitude would soon change then, I'd imagine.

humanji · 11-01-2007 05:15PM

The simple way to settle it is to tell him to go f*ck himself. Demand money everytime he uses something you buy and you'll soon find that he stops complaining. He's jsut jealous and he'll have to get over himself at somepoint.

calex71 · 11-01-2007 05:18PM

sorry OP just posted a second b4 i asked my question so i didnt see it.

So it isnt even like you and the BF are lying spralled on the sofa hogging the TV or being all kissey and stuff on it in front of him or anything else that might annoy a recently single guy.

This asshole should be kissing the ground you walk on.

event · 11-01-2007 05:33PM

stop doing all that you do for a week and dont call over

then call over the following week and see if he has changed his tune

ChRoMe · 11-01-2007 05:45PM

confused12121 wrote:

I buy their loo roll aswell and often bring some of their clothes back to my house to wash as they don't have a washer or dryer.

I'll comment on the whole post in a second. But WTF they live in a place with no washer??? Please just for my curiousty explain how they rented a place without a very basic piece of domestic equipment.

If you do their shopping and far more importantly pay for it this guy should be laying on the charm with you in the hope that you will contuine that. To echo the other posters I'd stop doing anything for him and see what happens.

Dont know what you've got til its gone etc

Ps This all sounds like he just really doesnt like spending 4 nights a week with a happy couple which I can understand hurting after just breaking up with his own girlfriend. However its not a excuse to being a prick.

LegacyUser · 11-01-2007 05:48PM

'There is a washer but it doesn't work and their waiting for the landlord to get it fixed.

I think i'll do what you all suggested and not buy anything or do anything for him.'

theluckyduck · 11-01-2007 05:48PM

A swift kick to the testis is in order!

But seriously just ignore him for the moment.
Take a list of everthing that he consumes of yours and vise versa. If he kicks up a fuss show him the list and the price differnce between the two. Assuming that you contribute more of course, which is hot is sounds!

good luck!!

LegacyUser · 11-01-2007 06:03PM

'I lived with 3 girls in a 3-bedroomed house once.
I had my own room.

However, when the b/fs came over, the rumpy pumpy
was flying right, left and centre. Not to mention the
other problems like - the cleaning, the washing up,
running off all the hot water, use of the phone (!!!),
skid-marked panties with clear imprint of crotch left lying
around the place for all to see.

So ... 4 nights a week ???
The other guy didn't notice you when he had a g/f himself
because he was too busy handing out his own meat injection.

I suggest that this is a little much. I know you are being
kind about the shopping. So, why not get your own place
with your b/f - and give everyone a little, bit of privacy.
Plus U can scream your head off as well !!!'

tinkerbell · 11-01-2007 07:05PM

Just don't call over there for a week or two and see how he gets on without you buying the shopping! He's a right idiot. The amount of electricity that you would use is probably miniscule, as for loo roll - use the loo roll that your bf has bought.

As for the food - he is being a right twat about that. You bought the food, so it's YOURS. You're only being nice in letting him eat it. Tell him to go shove it up his a$$ and see how he likes it when you don't buy his groceries.

And get your bf to call to your place instead from now on.

Fanny Cradock · 11-01-2007 07:30PM

I've got a few questions:

How often would you do their shopping and how much would it come to?

Did he actually sat that you shouldn't be eating my food after you just stocked up the shelves?

Also, what does your BF make of all this or is he even aware of how the other guy is treating you?

It's time for a chat with the guy. He may have a case or he may be resentful. Only one way to find out!

super_furry · 11-01-2007 09:16PM

If you're actually spending four nights a week there, then I don't blame him for being pissed off - you should be paying rent. I'd resent someone staying in my house for the majority of the week without a proper arrangement in place, if you're going to continue spending so many nights there you're going to have to sit down, have a talk and come to some kind of arrangement.

I've been in a situation where a housemate's significant other was taking advantage and it lead to a lot of friction. Not saying this is the same as your situation but there's obviously something up.

AngryBadger · 11-01-2007 10:29PM

Flatmate's a gob****e and way out of line. If he has a problem with you spend that much time there that that's the complaint he should make, but if he's eating the grub you're paying for he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

This goes double if things were the same when he had a girlfriend!

tbh · 11-01-2007 10:38PM

the flatmate isn't pissed off with you, he's just pissed off, so first and foremost, don't take it personally. Tell him that you're sorry he feels the way he does, explain that the only reason you were eating the food was because you bought a lot of it, and you thought you had contributed, and ask him what he wants done to resolve the situation. In my experience, this will take the wind out of his sails (as long as you keep calm) and he'll have an opportunity to scale back and save face. If he abuses that, you're probably never going to get on with him anyway. Try not to get into arguments, he's going to feel differently about things as he moves on, and neither of ye want to be somewhere you can't get back from when that happens.

randylonghorn · 11-01-2007 10:54PM

confused12121 wrote:

When his flatmate had his own girlfriend he didn't seem to mind this but they broke up over christmas and he has slightly changed.

I think you answered your own question, OP. The guy is lonely / fed up, and looking at you two is rubbing salt in the wound, and as he doesn't want to say what's really bothering him, he's lashing out at other, irrelevant things.

I'm not defending him, he's being an asswipe, but I can remember being that asswipe on occasion!

If you were staying 4 nights a week and genuinely not contributing, that would be different, but it sounds like you are contributing significantly.

dr.bollocko · 11-01-2007 10:59PM

Just get a place with your b/f. Ye are left alone, you dont have to live at home, and the twat is out of the picture.
Thats the great thing about renting, U can just up sticks when it pisses you off.

LegacyUser · 11-01-2007 11:06PM

'Well tonight took the biscuit.

Came over early because i had to collect something from the flat. His flatmate came in from just going shopping and said "I'm making you and me xxx" referring to my boyfriend. Didn't offer me anything or make any sort of comment that i was welcome to some.

So i left (was leaving anyway) and my boyfriend walked out with me. I told him how furious i was and how hungry i was. He rang him and told him he was going to go get food with me instead because i was starving. You'd think he'd offer then? NOOOO.

He's being a complete asshole.'

Sleepy · 12-01-2007 01:27AM

Yeah, I think a lot of the other postershere have it right: the guy's hurting and just looking for someone to lash out at. Listen to tbh's advice. A civil chat will take care of this.

tinkerbell · 12-01-2007 11:39AM

I'd say from this stage OP, he's extremely pissed off that him and his gf broke up. You are your bf are probably the only two people he can take it out on. Just stop calling over there for a while, he'll get over himself eventually.

LegacyUser · 12-01-2007 12:33PM

'why don't you do it the following way..

tell ur bf to set aside a cupboard for you two to but all your food in and 2 shelves in the fridge. do the same for the other guy. tell the other guy he's to buy all his own food etc and there'll be no more of you doing shopping or using ur food.

in a way i can understand him being pissed off. I had a friend stay with me recently and as soon as he started bringing her over to stay over most of the week i put a stop to it. so he goes to hers now. he buys all his own food etc and bills are split 50/50. works well for us both.

the way i see it is ur bf flatmate pays rent- he wants to come home and put his feet up in his bachelor pad and relax without having someone else in the house. people can be funny ya know? even though u buy ur own stuff, you are using electricity , hot water etc etc which does add to his bills....

also have other mates who do the above too and it works...

either have ur bf come stay with you a few nites a week or offer to pay an extra 20 quid towards ur bf's bills..'

astrofool · 12-01-2007 12:48PM

confused122121 wrote:

'Well tonight took the biscuit.

Came over early because i had to collect something from the flat. His flatmate came in from just going shopping and said "I'm making you and me xxx" referring to my boyfriend. Didn't offer me anything or make any sort of comment that i was welcome to some.

So i left (was leaving anyway) and my boyfriend walked out with me. I told him how furious i was and how hungry i was. He rang him and told him he was going to go get food with me instead because i was starving. You'd think he'd offer then? NOOOO.

He's being a complete asshole.'

While he's not being nice in this case, he's never going to then ask you to have dinner. He's trying to make you not welcome in the house, and you're responding to it and making a very big deal out of it. Need to calm down, the reaction you gave was EXACTLY what he was looking for, and it's not like he needs to be nice to you, like your bf does.

stooge · 12-01-2007 01:05PM

its obvioous he's pissed off cos he's broke up with his g'freind. If you buy the food often then you are entitled to eat it. thats the way I see it. If he thinks you should be paying rent then ask him whether he will stump up money for when his ex-g'friend was in the house.

I wouldnt like it if my flatmates girlfreind came over and got food made for her all the time, but in your case you bring your own food and cook for everyone. He's obviously a selfish arsehole, but then again he pays the rent....so...

....my advice -
1. Only eat dinner there if your b'friend cooks it
2. Don't worry about the flatmate not asking you for dinner, just bring your b'friend over to your house instead and cook something together.
3. If you can't bear to be without your b'friend every day then look into sharing a house with him.
4. Cook a nice dinner for all but lace the flatmates food with copious amounts of laxatives...also ensure the is no bogroll in the flat.

Who's in the wrong

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