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Boyfriend issue

  • 09-01-2007 10:57PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there

    I have a situation with my relationship that I'd like to get others opinions on. I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We get on very very well, he is a lovely guy who my friends and family all love. Over the course of the 3 years, about a year of that was long distance due to me living abroad but we kept going through this fine. I'm back at home now for some time but living in a different county to him (work reasons - I couldn't get a job where he is Cork City) so only seeing him at the weekend and sometimes not even due to work commitments and other things. Obviously we want to spend more time together and so I will probably move to Cork later in the year (August). Now we had previously discussed our future together in a vague way and the possibility of living together. I brought up the issue of me moving to Cork recently and broached the issue of where to live and whether we might live together. He told me he didn't feel ready. I queried him on this and while he does want to move in with me at some stage (couldn't tell me when) he wouldn't be ready by lets say August.
    I've thought about this and am a bit confused. If he knows he wants to move in with me why would it be so wrong to move in together sooner rather than later and how could he say he wouldn't be ready in a few months time? I am a very independent person (as he is) and have my own interests, lots of friends and would not be overly reliant on him or limiting his freedom.
    I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him into anything but am concerned that he's not ready to make that kind of commitment to me despite him saying that he definately sees a future for us. It seems to me to be a contradiction and worries me as to whether he does in fact see a future for us.
    I just think it makes sense for us to move in together. We love each other, get on so well and I think it would be a really positive thing to do.
    On another point, I would be making this move to Cork for him, i.e. I don't want to settle down there but he has made it clear that he will not be leaving Cork for the forseeable future but will eventually move elsewhere.
    So if I move to Cork without moving in with him, I am moving in with strangers (maybe) and seeing him a few times a week. I don't think this really brings us much further along in the relationship and is (in my opinion) wasting time if we are going to be moving in together anyway.
    The whole thing is making me question our relationship and how he feels about me. I don't know whether I am justified on this one or being too pushy.
    Has anyone got any opinions on this, would love a guy's opinion, good, bad or indifferent. I know how I feel on it but maybe I would benefit from other points of view.
    Thanks so much.


Comments

  • #2
    Ruu_Old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 36,634 ✭✭✭✭Ruu_Old


    It could be that he feels it might restrict his movements when ye both move in and is possibly afraid of that. It seems like the most logical step to move down there since doesn't want to budge. Maybe when ye are around each other a bit more (i.e, you move down there but not move in), he might like the idea more? Just some ideas. Best of luck.


  • #3
    ArphaRima
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,678 ✭✭✭ArphaRima


    I'd tend to agree with you alright. I think everything you said makes sense, and I would most certainly be thinking of doing what you are considering in the same circumstances.
    However, in the end, if your boyfriend is not ready he isnt ready. Mind you, I wouldnt move my life to another city for somebody if they werent willing to live in the same house as me. Perhaps that is what you should be thinking about.


  • #4
    Beruthiel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 42,361 ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    fluffer wrote:
    Mind you, I wouldnt move my life to another city for somebody if they werent willing to live in the same house as me. Perhaps that is what you should be thinking about.

    Couldn't agree more.
    I would have said you were pushing it if you were only together 3 months. If however, after 3 years he still cannot make up his mind, then I would be asking the tough questions now before you think of moving anywhere.


  • #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 36,733 CMod ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    jumpingthegun? wrote:
    I brought up the issue of me moving to Cork recently and broached the issue of where to live and whether we might live together. He told me he didn't feel ready.
    He is not ready for a commitment.


  • #6
    AnonoBoy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    Since a year of your relationship was you in another country you didn't see each other half as much as you would in a normal relationship so even though you've been together for 3 years you haven't seen each other on a day to day basis for 3 years so your relationship is at a different level to say somebody who has been living in the same town and seeing a whole lot more of each other. Just a point.

    Now - some people like the idea of moving in together soon. I've seen people do it after a few weeks, a few months and a few years. It's wahtever feels right for the individuals involved. Me, I feel a lot of people do it far too quickly and it kills off a relationship that could have gone somewhere because people are living on top of each other too soon because they think it's what they should be doing. It's 'grown up'.

    Perhaps your boyfriend isn't ready for a commitment but perhaps he just feels that it's too soon to move in together - maybe he doesn't want to ruin what he sees as something with lots of potential.

    This is all just guess work of course.

    But if you start to make this into a huge issue and force him to move in with you even though he doesn't want to yet then you'll drive a huge wedge between you.

    Obviously you're not going to wait around forever, but you have to see things from his point of view. If he honestly isn't ready for it then you have to respect that. Asking him 'Well, when will you be ready?' and looking for a date is not going to help.


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  • #7
    free2fly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    If he's not ready, then he's just not ready. It doesn't necessarily mean anything more or anything less than that. Living together is a huge commitment.

    I wouldn't be in any hurry to move to Cork though. Leave things as they are until, or if, he is ready to move in together. You'll probably be happier staying where your friends and family are at the moment. If you move to a strange city, live with people you don't know, and don't have any friends other than his friends, you may find the pressure on him to be with you all the time to fill in for what you are lacking could destroy your relationship with him.


  • #8
    misswex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 745 ✭✭✭misswex


    I think that you should definitely not move to Cork until ye know where you stand with regard to this relationship as moving in with strangers and still only seeing your bf occasionally isn't any different to what you are doing now but you will still have all your support system in place.

    I think you should sit him down and ask him where he sees the relationship going, proper answer not just vague suggestion of what he wants.


  • #9
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    To be honest as terrible as it sounds i would put a time limit on it.

    It seems to me that he is happy with the part time kind of situation that has become the norm for him. He has lots of freedom yet still has the security of a long term relationship.

    Try spending a bit more time with him if possible.

    Living together is huge and it is a big adjustment for both of you.

    However despite what others are saying i wouldnt wait for him to be ready unless you are willing for a long wait.

    This is your life, 3 years is a long time to invest in someone even though some of it was long distance. If he is not willing to go the extra mile its best to find out soon before you waste another 3.

    Talk to him again. If you feel passionatley about beginning your life together with him tell him.

    If you are willing to wait longer then wait or even if you can reach a compromise then do it if he is worth it.

    But DO NOT lose sight of your wants and needs or let him totally dictate the pace of the relationship. Tell him what you want from life and where you would like to go from him and ask him along for the ride. It should be a two way street of course but it sounds like you are on different roads.

    Best of luck with it either way.


  • #10
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    For once I'm inclined to agree with the lady :D

    He's not willing to move out of cork, fair enough, you're willing to move to cork, but he doesn't want you living with him....what?

    It could simply be that he feels you moving in will encroach on his lifestyle, and in this he's correct. Regardless of how independent you both are, there will be changes (for both of you) once ye move in together.

    I'm assuming you've never lived together before? And I have to point out that a lot of this relationship has been long distance, and to me I'd wonder how well you really know each other at this stage given the amount of time you're not spending together, which would easily account for his unwillingness to move in with you.


  • #11
    hunnymonster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    DOes he want you to move to Cork or does he prefer a LDR?


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  • #12
    Drift
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,395 ✭✭✭Drift


    Maybe he's just nervous. I know for me moving in with someone would be a massive step ..... not far off marriage.

    I think the only way you're going to know is to sit him down and have a serious talk about your future and where he see's you two in years time, 5 years time etc. If he's unwilling to discuss it then you have to tell him that you're beginning to wonder about the whole relationship. If he does discuss it then you'll know for sure what he wants from the relationship and you can work with that.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'hi guys

    thanks for all the feedback guys and girls. Appreciate it http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/images/icons/icon7.gif
    Hunny monster, he would prefer me to move to Cork rather than keeping it going as it is.
    Its worth mentioning, I do have friends there and would have my own independence rather than depending on him. However moving simply to be near him without any plan in sight for when we could take it to the next step is daunting. I know it seems strict to talk about a planned time in the future but I think its necessary for me.
    Angry Badger thanks for your thougts but in fact I did stay with with him for a month (lived in his apartment) when I returned from abroad and that was great in fact. I know moving in is a big step, I would totally agree but I feel I'm ready.
    The problem is he's not(!) I think that while we both agree on where we're eventually going to end up, we have different ideas of how we want our lives to work out within the next few years.
    What I'll do I think is sit down with him again and discuss in more detail what I've said before. I don't want to drive a wedge between us but this is something thats in my head and what I want so I think it needs to come to a head or else I'll be in the same position next year. Hopefully this can be sorted out.
    Thanks again.'


  • #14
    sweet-rasmus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,128 ✭✭✭sweet-rasmus


    sure he could be nervous. maybe he thinks you'll restrict what he feels he is allowed to do in his house. maybe he thinks you'd distance him from his friends. understandable. but talk to him about it.

    still, i agree witn fluffer
    fluffer wrote:
    I wouldnt move my life to another city for somebody if they werent willing to live in the same house as me.


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