We all make mistakes

LegacyUser · 22-12-2006 01:47PM #1

So heres the story. Going out with my GF for 8 years and bout 2 years ago slipped and slept with a person at work. Now not looking to get ate about what I did, I realise the error but here is the thing.

This girl is still working with me and on occaision we all go out drinking as a staff and she gets drunk and abusive mainly towards me.

At this years Christmas party she gets flaming drunk falls down in the toilets I try and help and she roars out exactly what happened 2 years ago to all my colleagues and friends. Then she proceeds to accuse another workmate of trying to seduce her the lad would never even think of it.

Anyway how do you deal with a person like this. I am just afraid she will arrive at my door some night langered dragging up the past and screwing my relationship that I have now.

Any and all help appreciated

Drift · 22-12-2006 03:09PM

I've never been in the situation, but if you considered telling you gf about it then you'd have nothing to fear even if the other woman did turn up at the door.

Misticles · 22-12-2006 03:23PM

you should tell ur gf what happened.. in the event that this girl did turn up and do this, think how your gf would feel. humiliated and hurt.
just come clean, you've been together so long. plus girls have a funny way of finding stuff out, even by accident.
if you dont tell her, you're going to be stressed thinking what if someone tells her.. now that even more of your colleagues know now.
depending what the people you work with are like, they could hold it against you, bribing etc... that would be extreme though.
in short, just tell her, after 8yrs, you owe her that much.

King of Kings · 22-12-2006 05:24PM

you shouldn't tell your gf. what benefit would that hold?

if the girl turns up ever deny it and have the police removed her.
her penchant for getting asreholed and accussing lads of what not is well documented ie. your last chrimbo party.

if your relationship means that much to you and you are in that much fear of teh mad lady then get a new job.

Me - I'd brazen it out.
I really think you are making a mountain out of nothing

Idbatterim · 22-12-2006 05:27PM

do not tell her, if i was in your situtation and she turned up to the door id throw her under the next passing car, im not joking, your hardly going to invite her in for tea with your gf. The people in your office know shes a psycho, you said yourself she is lying about the seduction, so shes lying about having slept with you... simple.

Peace · 22-12-2006 05:27PM

What were you doing in the womens toilets with her? Same question if she was in the mens....

6th · 22-12-2006 05:30PM

Deny it, if what she said about the other guy is obvious crap then people might not believe what she said about you either.

Oryx · 22-12-2006 07:23PM

Whether you tell her or this woman does, your gf will shattered to hear about this. Its over and done, your not going to do it again, so I dont see any point in spilling the beans yourself. To be honest you might as well sit it out and hope she doesnt hear. If she hears from the crazy woman or a colleague you can deny all, but if she can read you well she might not believe you. So your call on whether to be honest if it does all come out.

Bet you now understand the saying 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2006 12:08PM

Thanks folks just really needed to get the advise Defo not going to inform the GF but the pushing yer wun under a car probably a bit too excessive just not going to let the beeotch ruin my christmas

Eggonaspoon · 23-12-2006 01:43PM

Oh that’s funny, the girl is the beeotch now. I guess in your mind that must make sense. After all, you’re only interested in not getting caught. Maybe it is time to take some responsibility for what you have done. Be a man and deal with the consequences of what you have done. Time to let your gf decide if she really wants to be with someone who not only cheats on her but is a liar as well…

23-12-2006 02:07PM

This post has been deleted.

chump · 23-12-2006 03:22PM

Don't tell. Just ignore the girl as much as is possible and deny it all to the death.

faceman · 23-12-2006 04:25PM

You sound genuinely remorseful so what i suggest is just avoid going out where there is a possibility your colleague will be around getting drunk. Not an ideal answer but if you add up whats more important im sure it makes sense.

I wouldnt worry about her turning up on your doorstep.

hmmmm · 24-12-2006 11:53AM

It might seem a bit excessive but you could always change jobs. That way you won't have to meet the girl again, which reduces the risk of it reaching your girlfriend.

Personally, I could never look my girlfriend in the eye again knowing that I'd cheated on her and not been honest with her about it. But I guess some people can handle dishonesty/lying to the ones they love better than I.

super_furry · 24-12-2006 12:15PM

chump wrote:

Don't tell. Just ignore the girl as much as is possible and deny it all to the death.

Exactly. She sounds like a crazy anyway, so just make out that she's a nutter.

BackwardRussia · 24-12-2006 06:22PM

Seriously man, do not tell her. I am only saying this because it was a once-off thing that happened 2 years ago. I wouldn't say tell her if you were going out doing it every weekend, but you're not, and it's obvious you regret it.

The only thing that would come from telling her is she would be really really hurt, and depending on the girl it will make her insecure about trusting guys in the future too, and insecure about herself and what she did to deserve being cheated on. She does not need to know. Why would you want to hurt someone you really love.

You are always gonna get the idealists coming on here and saying "Ooh bla bla but if you really loved her you wouldn't have done it" etc, that's just bs, we all make mistakes. It's human nature. And crazy as it sounds sometimes good can come from these situations, if it made you realise just how much you love your girlfriend.

Without giving away too much, I have been in your situation and it worked out for the best in the end by not telling her. So keep it to yourself, if it gets back to her from someone else, which it probably won't unless it's just a vague rumour which you can deny to the ground.

hmmmm · 24-12-2006 07:38PM

BackwardRussia wrote:

You are always gonna get the idealists coming on here and saying "Ooh bla bla but if you really loved her you wouldn't have done it" etc, that's just bs, we all make mistakes. It's human nature.

Thats a load of crap. There is nothing idealistic about it. Our hormones do not have that much control over our actions unless we are very very weak individuals - and even at that people still have a choice. Maybe a kiss I could understand as it is one simple step but sleeping together is a different ball game. When people cheat they make a conscious decision to cheat.

And no, I don't believe it is human nature to cheat and lie to loved ones - thats just an excuse created by those who do it.

/rant

OP I don't think it will ever go away unless you ensure you have no more contact with this girl ever. People will get drunk again.

abelard · 24-12-2006 07:49PM

hmmmm wrote:

It might seem a bit excessive but you could always change jobs.

Nahhhh, get her fired - much easier.

Húrin · 24-12-2006 08:29PM

Unreg145896 wrote:

Anyway how do you deal with a person like this.

Don't hang around with the bitch when she's drinking.

greenteaicedtea · 24-12-2006 08:47PM

Here's my two cents worth:

Okay, you had a thing with a girl at work, she probably thought you might leave your girlfriend for her. You didn't, I guess. So she probably is angry, which is why she talked so much crap when she was drunk. She is probably angry that your girlfriend doesn't know, because if your girlfriend knew, she might have left you when the whole affair happened. So if she hears about you and your girlfriend and your happy relationship all the time, she is staying angry, because of all the lies.

You have to get her to not be as angry. If that means talking to her, apologizing and saying how wrong you were to have the affair with her, that you're sorry that you hurt her feelings, even if you have to exaggerate a bit, and eat some crow, it's probably worth it, so that you keep your relationship at home that you REALLY want to keep, and you can get the girl at work to keep her mouth shut.

It's best to stay friends with the people you hurt, because a friend will keep secrets for you.

hmmmm · 24-12-2006 09:51PM

greenteaicedtea wrote:

Here's my two cents worth:

Okay, you had a thing with a girl at work, she probably thought you might leave your girlfriend for her. You didn't, I guess. So she probably is angry, which is why she talked so much crap when she was drunk. She is probably angry that your girlfriend doesn't know, because if your girlfriend knew, she might have left you when the whole affair happened. So if she hears about you and your girlfriend and your happy relationship all the time, she is staying angry, because of all the lies.

You have to get her to not be as angry. If that means talking to her, apologizing and saying how wrong you were to have the affair with her, that you're sorry that you hurt her feelings, even if you have to exaggerate a bit, and eat some crow, it's probably worth it, so that you keep your relationship at home that you REALLY want to keep, and you can get the girl at work to keep her mouth shut.

It's best to stay friends with the people you hurt, because a friend will keep secrets for you.

Im not sure its a good idea to have any more contact with her as I doubt she will be happy no matter what the OP says to her. Even if she does seem happy for now - what will happen when she gets drunk again? Plus if the OP's girlfriend found out it happened and also found out that he met up with this girl again albeit for innocent reasons - what would she think? as well as that the girl in question might start to think about approaching his girlfriend to inflict the "hurt" she is feeling on her or something like that.

I think you should stay as far away from this girl as possible.

LegacyUser · 25-12-2006 01:06AM

Eh, yeah, to hell with idealism. Monogamy and polygamy are both part of human nature, you still can't write this off to biology. Lots of people manage to say perfectly faithful in the face of temptation. The "we all make mistakes" line is a total cop out. You may be sure you're not going to do it again, but at the end of the day it's really not your call to make - it's your girlfriend's. Tell her and let he judge if she wants to trust you. If you love her, don't try to make that decision for her.

And if you still need a more deeply cynical and self-absorbed reason to tell her - you better believe she's going to find out eventually anyway, so for your own sake it better be you telling her. Think seriously about this for a second: a whole bunch of people now know, and most of them have probably seen enough to know it's true. People talk. And people love to talk about things like this. It might start amongst friends, but it will circulate, and sooner or later people who don't have your selfish interests at heart are going to know about it.

And no matter how much grovelling you do, there's still no way you can possibly guarantee that this girl herself isn't going to show up to drop the bomb on you some day. Come clean, and she holds nothing over you.

Geek Nose · 25-12-2006 02:31AM

Eggonaspoon wrote:

Oh that’s funny, the girl is the beeotch now. I guess in your mind that must make sense. After all, you’re only interested in not getting caught. Maybe it is time to take some responsibility for what you have done. Be a man and deal with the consequences of what you have done. Time to let your gf decide if she really wants to be with someone who not only cheats on her but is a liar as well…

He asked for advice, not for the prude brigade to come a knockin'!

iguana · 25-12-2006 02:57AM

Unreg145896 wrote:

I am just afraid she will arrive at my door some night langered dragging up the past and screwing my relationship that I have now.

I'm sorry but it was your actions that have caused this situation and your actions that have endangered your relationship. This girl has no responsibilty to your girlfriend, you do. And part of that responsibility was not to cheat on and lie to her. You can't expect this girl to show the respect you didn't show to the girl you claim to love and she has no ties to.

You've said you have no intention of telling your girlfriend, which shows a basic lack of respect for her. However it now seems not unlikely that your girlfriend will find out if many of your workmates know, so you might want to reconsider telling her.

If you are still unwilling to reconsider telling her, your only option is to try and make peace with the girl and try and find peace with each other.

BackwardRussia · 25-12-2006 02:12PM

Tryptophan wrote:

You may be sure you're not going to do it again, but at the end of the day it's really not your call to make

And if you still need a more deeply cynical and self-absorbed reason to tell her - you better believe she's going to find out eventually anyway, so for your own sake it better be you telling her.

Absolute bs. If 2 years have already elapsed, what make you so sure she's definitely going to find out now? Do you have inside info on the situation or something?

I was in the op's situation before, and it was a once off, and it worked out for the best for everyone that I didn't tell my girlfriend. We broke up about a year later for travelling reasons. If I had told her, all it would have achieved is

a) emotionally hurting her.. badly
b) making her insecure about trusting men in future relationships
c) making her wonder what she did to deserve being cheated on

etc, no good could possibly have come from me telling her in my particular situation, which is why I'm only speaking from my experience.

LegacyUser · 25-12-2006 02:52PM

a) emotionally hurting her.. badly
b) making her insecure about trusting men in future relationships
c) making her wonder what she did to deserve being cheated on

a) Theres always a chance she'll find out on her own anyway in which case the emotional hurt would likely be worse.

b)Insecure about men in future?? hahaha....... Going by some of the posters in this thread id say women have quite a valid reason to be insecure about men.

c) I think its pretty obvious that she didn't deserve to be cheated on....at least not from what the op has given us......in which case a PROPER explanation that it wasn't her fault should dismiss any notions she may have about her supposed responsibility in her partners actions.

I know OP, that u didn't come here to be taken up on ur past mistake........but frankly i don't care. Yes u did make a mistake!! But rather than taking responsibility or even showing remorse for ur actions ......you've used some sort of imaginary conscience get out of jail free card. The "we all make mistakes" bs line.This woman from ur workplace as i see it is a wakeup call for u to sort out past errors. For the sake of us men own up and show women that we have some sort of bloody morals .

Vi

hmmmm · 25-12-2006 02:56PM

BackwardRussia wrote:

I was in the op's situation before, and it was a once off, and it worked out for the best for everyone that I didn't tell my girlfriend. We broke up about a year later for travelling reasons. If I had told her, all it would have achieved is

a) emotionally hurting her.. badly
b) making her insecure about trusting men in future relationships
c) making her wonder what she did to deserve being cheated on

etc, no good could possibly have come from me telling her in my particular situation, which is why I'm only speaking from my experience.

Its not impossible for the other half to find out no matter how much you cover your tracks. How would she feel then? If someone is weak enough to cheat once...

BackwardRussia · 25-12-2006 03:29PM

hmmmm wrote:

Its not impossible for the other half to find out no matter how much you cover your tracks

I never said it was impossible, I just said if 2 years have already gone by then the chances of her finding out are probably low. Even in my situation it wasn't impossible for her to find out, but the chances were very low and if she had found out I would have just denied it.

If she finds out from the OP telling her, or through a friend, the effects on her will be the same. The relationship will never be the same again, and she will have all of those emotional problems I listed above.

iguana · 25-12-2006 07:26PM

BackwardRussia wrote:

I never said it was impossible, I just said if 2 years have already gone by then the chances of her finding out are probably low.

For the last two years only a small few people have known, but very recently everyone at his work was told. It has suddenly become extremely likely that she will find out.

Miss Fluff · 25-12-2006 10:38PM

hmmmm wrote:

If someone is weak enough to cheat once...

Just reading through your posts there hmmmm it must be fabulous to be as perfect as you are hmmmm???????????;)

OP, unlikely anything will come of this but foolish to go on work nights when you are both so drunk. Sounds like she may like it to happen again so just avoid all temptation and don't socialise in places where you know she will be.

King of Kings · 26-12-2006 12:21AM

Eggonaspoon wrote:

Oh that’s funny, the girl is the beeotch now. I guess in your mind that must make sense. After all, you’re only interested in not getting caught. Maybe it is time to take some responsibility for what you have done. Be a man and deal with the consequences of what you have done. Time to let your gf decide if she really wants to be with someone who not only cheats on her but is a liar as well…

cope on - you really are a clod.
a drunken fumble 2 years previous does not give her the right to act in the way she did. One shag doesn't mean she owns him.

Also I don't think he deserves to lose his relationship of 8 years for one mistake.
What do you propose "hey babes i cheated on you once, do I deserve your love" maybe we can get bruce forsyth in and offer her a brucey bonus if she guesses right:)

It might please the moral brigade like like yourself but will only serve to hurt everybody else.

We all make mistakes

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