GF hates me drinking and wants to break up

LegacyUser · 18-12-2006 12:17PM

'Thanks for the replies guys. More info needed I suppose. Dave K is right, she is Muslim. She thinks it's wrong to have any amount of alcohol. It is nothing to do with me coming home drunk and being abusive or anything like that. In any case we don't live together so I am not coming home to her after drinking. I don't drink when we are together as I know she doesn't like it. Drinking is not a big deal for me, I can go for weeks without drinking or wanting to drink, but I do like a few pints every now and again with the lads and don't want to give this up. However it kills me that I would give up the love of my life for the sake of alcohol.'

Kell · 18-12-2006 02:30PM

Lost99111 wrote:

However it kills me that I would give up the love of my life for the sake of alcohol.'

Its not the alcohol that is the problem here, its your wife to be's unwillingness to accept you as you are. It has started with alcohol, is it going to be something else in a few years and so on?

K-

Beruthiel · 18-12-2006 02:59PM

Lost99111 wrote:

'Thanks for the replies guys. More info needed I suppose. Dave K is right, she is Muslim. She thinks it's wrong to have any amount of alcohol.

Then perhaps ye are just not compatible?
I also like my few drinks at the weekend. There's rarely a friday night goes by without me opening a bottle of red. I've worked all week, I deserve a little enjoyment. Were anyone to try and suggest I never do that again, they would be swiftly told where to go. It wouldn't matter how much I cared for this person, they have no right telling me what I can or can't do. (This does not apply if you're a raging alco with severe problems affecting your whole life)
I am also of the opinion that you love me for me, warts an' all, or take the high road.
Sorry mate, but you shouldn't have to change a part of your life for anyone, unless you wish to do so and you are happy doing it. You don't sound like you are, so a serious discussion must be had with your partner.

Mighty_Mouse · 18-12-2006 02:59PM

but she comes from a country where drinking is not the norm, and certainly not drinking in the way Irish people do. I really love her and I don't know what

Ah the joys of multi-cultural marriage.

IMO you should cut your losses and move on. Or realise now that this woman will want to control your life. Even if you did give up the booze and meeting your friends..............................i mean ffs what else is there to be doing at the weekend!!!

seamus · 18-12-2006 03:00PM

Kell wrote:

Its not the alcohol that is the problem here, its your wife to be's unwillingness to accept you as you are. It has started with alcohol, is it going to be something else in a few years and so on?

K-

Well, that's pretty much it. First it's alcohol, then it's late nights, then it's not coming home at 6pm on the dot after work, etc etc. Leave the ball in her court. Don't break up with her, but refuse firmly to sacrifice your socialising. It's not excessive, far from it.

There are times when a person must change for the sake of a relationship, but there are equally times when it's important that someone doesn't change for their relationship.

Tuesday_Girl · 18-12-2006 03:10PM

I don't think it's as straightforward as his gf trying to control his life or tell him what to do. For many Muslims drinking alcohol is wrong, plain and simple, if she were doing something which the OP viewed as wrong, he may also want her to stop. Tolerance and compromise should be a part of any relationship and this case particularly so, but where religion is involved it can be difficult to reach that middle ground.

I have had 2 Muslim boyfriends, the first one drank and loved going to the pub when we visited Ireland, the second did not drink but had no problem in me doing so. If either of them had wanted me to stop drinking, it would have been an issue for me too.

carpenoctem · 18-12-2006 03:34PM

Ok... here is my opinion.

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious TALK about this. Now, the trick is that it can not include screaming, threatening, accusing or any kind of over emtoional behaviour, just find a day and time when you're not stressed and both have time to talk things out.

This being a discussion you should both be able to state your views on the issue without the other interrupting. Then give opinions on the other persons views. Then try your very hardest to find a compromise somewhere in the middle that you're both happy with. Make sure you find out if there are any other worries she has other than just her culture being against drinking, and adress these. Perhaps it's an issue where she doesn't know where you're going out? I know some people see it as keeping tabs or control but I always make sure my partner knows where I am going and who I am going out with, and he does the same to me. In my opinion it's really just respectful to do this.

In the end, it's all about being able to meet in the middle, the relationship will never work out if one partner expect the other to give in. Of course, it's all give and take but I think in this situation, if you don't see yourself as someone who will stop drinking, then fair enough, at least you're being honest. It would probably be easy enough for you to just go behind her back, but the fact that you're being straightforward with her should count for something.

And hard as it is to say it, if she finds one or two drinks every now and then impossible to accept, even when you have tried your hardest to discuss it in a calm manner and tried to find a compromise, then you should probably part ways sooner rather than later.

DAVE_K · 18-12-2006 04:49PM

I don't think it's as straight forward as her just trying to control you full stop. She comes from a place where people don't drink. She'll have been told all her life that drinking is wrong and will have learned that through her islamic studies too (and BTW if you were to walk down O'Connell street late Saturday night you'd think she might just have some sort of a point). She's not going to be able to suddenly start thinking its OK just cos she's moved country. She loves you (hopefully!!) and doesn't want to see you doing something that's so wrong where she comes from.
At the end of the day though this is the litmus test for the future and could be the first of many problems you're going to encounter if ye do decide to go through life together. What you'd really want to be talking to her about is what life is going to be like after marriage. Are ye going to have kids - how does she see ye bringing up those kids - will Islam be forced upon them. What about circumcision - will she insist on this if you have boys?? If she is can you handle this being forced upon them (i for one cannot and this was the nub of many an argument). Worse still does she come from a culture where girls get circumcised (which is f*cking brutal BTW). How are ye going to deal with these issues. These are things ye need to get sorted out before ye proceed. If ye don't get them sorted and split later over them - chances are you'll lose the kids, she might go home and then it'll all happen anyway.

Other questions - has she been here long - if not she might relax a bit on the religion front after a while.

You say ye're engaged - are ye actually planning to get married or is it a loosely binding arrangement - what about the wedding - where's that going to be - are you going to have to get circumcised for that yourself!!! (or had you thought of that - maybe it's time to run!!!!).

On a lighter note if you ever want to really p1ss her off you could do what I did a few years ago (un-be-knownst) on Paddies day. Got up with a stinking hangover - went to the shop and got the works - rashers, sausages, black pudding, white pudding and whacked it all on the pan. She awoke to me frying the whole lot up and went F**CKING NUTS. Put it this way I was out the door in about 5 minutes seeking refuge in the closest friends house.

LegacyUser · 18-12-2006 06:18PM

'Ha ha ha Dave K, you are giving me a good laugh here actually. The issues you are talking about are ringing lots of bells but thankfully we have agreement on all those issues although did have many heated debates in the past few years!! The only issue is the alcohol. She just thinks it is wrong, she thinks I will go to hell for drinking it, she thinks she will go to hell for marrying someone who drinks, she thinks me drinking will set a bad example for our children. She is from Africa but has lived in the UK for 20 years so I don't think she is going to change her opinion on it now. If your wife said she was leaving you if you didn't stop drinking what would you do?'

DAVE_K · 19-12-2006 07:29AM

I don't know mate. With children already on the scene I would have opted for giving up the beer as it's a hell of a lot to lose just cos you like a beer. Before that i would have been too stubborn to even consider it. She sounds like she can't help the way she feels on this one. If you were to remove this one problem is she really something special - if she is then maybe it's a price worth paying. If you really had to - you could always fit a beer or two in on the sly.
Or you could always just go out for a beer every now and then and just weather the storm when you come home - just keep the head down and wait for it to pass.
I used to be coming home in the cab going "goddammit, this one is going to cost me dearly in shopping money". You'd go out and blow 100 spots in the boozer and come home and have to give her another 100/200 to go get herself something nice in the shops. She'd be p1ssed for a day or two and you'd be on the back foot around the house, and then it'd be over.

miles teg · 19-12-2006 10:32AM

Lost99111 wrote:

...The only issue is the alcohol. She just thinks it is wrong, she thinks I will go to hell for drinking it, she thinks she will go to hell for marrying someone who drinks, she thinks me drinking will set a bad example for our children.

This is the sort of thing that started crusades and jihads. She knew your religion before going out with you. Tell her that your God (presuming you're Catholic) was known to enjoy the odd snifter at Christmas and you're following in his footsteps. Plus one of his top 10 miracles was making wine. Now that I think of it, priests have to drink wine/blood at communion so alcohol is pretty important stuff. Finally, you can only go to hell for sins defined by your own religion.
Happy Christmas

spurious · 19-12-2006 10:50AM

Her and the kids or the drink.....well the drink of course!!!!

Seriously - of course you think the 4 or 5 pints has no effect on you. That's the point of drink - it makes us think all sorts of ridiculous things are true.
I'm a better driver, I look like Brad Pitt, I am Angelina Jolie, I can pull anyone in this place.

I wouldn't want my children seeing me stagger in drunk weekly. It's about priorities - which is more important to you - your family or your drink?

miles teg · 19-12-2006 10:57AM

spurious wrote:

...Her and the kids or the drink.....well the drink of course!!!!
...
I wouldn't want my children seeing me stagger in drunk weekly. It's about priorities - which is more important to you - your family or your drink?

I don't think the OP has children or is even married to the woman so it's not really a choice between drink or family. It's more between drink and nagging. Also, by the time most people get to having kids, alcohol consumption drops a lot anyway

skywalker · 19-12-2006 10:57AM

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

Does it though?

Sleepy · 19-12-2006 12:54PM

OP, why would you want to marry someone so closed minded?

Wibbs · 19-12-2006 01:44PM

This is a hard one. She seems to be picking and choosing aspects of her faith though(like a lot of religious types). Balancing her stance against your drinking for a moment; for a start as was pointed out she can't marry outside the faith, indeed if she's that strict she shouldn't even be seeing you without her parents OK and even then she should be chaperoned. Do you meet her alone? I suspect so. Well in that case she's equally "going to hell" for that and the fact that she will marry a man not of her faith. Are you willing to convert in the future for the wedding day(depending on her parents that will be a big issue)? What about any kids that come along? What will their faith be? If there are already kids involved then that's a major no no(Though I don't think there are). If you don't sort out the differences now the drinking part will be the least of your worries. IMHO.

Tuesday_Girl · 19-12-2006 01:49PM

Sleepy wrote:

OP, why would you want to marry someone so closed minded?

She has lived her life in the belief that drinking alcohol is wrong, in the same way as our religion/upbringing/education has taught us that many things are wrong. It's not a case of her being closed-minded, people cannot just change their views overnight over something which is clearly an important part of their religion.

Tuesday_Girl · 19-12-2006 01:58PM

Wibbs wrote:

This is a hard one. She seems to be picking and choosing aspects of her faith though(like a lot of religious types). Balancing her stance against your drinking for a moment; for a start as was pointed out she can't marry outside the faith, indeed if she's that strict she shouldn't even be seeing you without her parents OK and even then she should be chaperoned. Do you meet her alone? I suspect so. Well in that case she's equally "going to hell" for that and the fact that she will marry a man not of her faith. Are you willing to convert in the future for the wedding day(depending on her parents that will be a big issue)? What about any kids that come along? What will their faith be? If there are already kids involved then that's a major no no(Though I don't think there are). If you don't sort out the differences now the drinking part will be the least of your worries. IMHO.

Have you heard of moderate Islam?

Irish Catholics also practise their faith as it suits them, how many people have not been inside a church since last year but will be there on Christmas Day, having practised few if any of the Church's teachings in the meantime? Me, for one.

Wibbs · 19-12-2006 05:35PM

Razzle wrote:

Have you heard of moderate Islam?

Yes.

Irish Catholics also practise their faith as it suits them, how many people have not been inside a church since last year but will be there on Christmas Day, having practised few if any of the Church's teachings in the meantime? Me, for one.

That's precisely my point.

The issue comes with which aspects are likely to impinge on both their lives in the future. Obviously him not being a Muslim is OK with her, or at least they've agreed to disagree and that would be a biggy for a lot of Muslims if not their families(depending on religious adherence). Hell she could be a sun worshipper for all that matters. What matters here is the compromise that has to be reached on both sides. If she's willing to meet him alone now and marry him later, both of which would be frowned upon by many of her faith then surely she can also let him have a social drink once a month?

Tuesday_Girl · 19-12-2006 06:32PM

Wibbs wrote:

Yes.

That's precisely my point.

The issue comes with which aspects are likely to impinge on both their lives in the future. Obviously him not being a Muslim is OK with her, or at least they've agreed to disagree and that would be a biggy for a lot of Muslims if not their families(depending on religious adherence). Hell she could be a sun worshipper for all that matters. What matters here is the compromise that has to be reached on both sides. If she's willing to meet him alone now and marry him later, both of which would be frowned upon by many of her faith then surely she can also let him have a social drink once a month?

Ok gotcha, we're on the same wavelength then

As I mentioned above, I have had 2 Muslim bf's, neither of whom minded me drinking (one drank himself, one didn't). We each compromised in areas where our religions/cultures differed and that worked out fine for us. I think compromise is going to be key here, cos if the OP is not prepared to stop drinking and his gf is not prepared to accept his drinking, then they need to decide if they can even continue their relationship. There will be much bigger issues in life on which compromise will be needed, this issue could be the test.

the_syco · 20-12-2006 03:21PM

Look at your religous value's, and make a list that you've bended for her, and see has she bended any of her beliefs for you. If its even, then maybe think about the drink issue. If its not, you have something to discuss.

GF hates me drinking and wants to break up

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