GF hates me drinking and wants to break up

LegacyUser

My girlfriend (whom I'm engaged to) has a big problem with drinking. She hates it and everytime I drink we have huge fights. I meet my friends about 2 - 3 times a month and have about 4 - 5 pints when I'm out with them. Our fights are getting really bad and it has all come to a head now. She doesn't want to be with me if I continue drinking. I am not abusive or anything like that when I drink. I know this all seems very unreasonable on her part (or does it?) but she comes from a country where drinking is not the norm, and certainly not drinking in the way Irish people do. I really love her and I don't know what to do. I don't want to choose alcohol over my wife to be but yet I can't bring myself to stop drinking totally. I drank when she met me but her anti-alcohol feelings are getting stronger over time.

Just looking to hear for some other people's opinions.

Thanks.

StormWarrior

hmmm this is a tough one. I think drinking with your mates 2-3 times a month is perfectly reasonable. Why does your girlfriend hate it so much? There must be some reason.

Kell

StormWarrior wrote:

hmmm this is a tough one. I think drinking with your mates 2-3 times a month is perfectly reasonable. Why does your girlfriend hate it so much? There must be some reason.

Agreed. OP there seems to be more of a reason behind this than just a dislike. What country is she from BTW? Is it a religious thing that she doesnt drink?

I mean, if you drank when she met you then the issue is hers not yours. I dont think you would be making a choice of your wife to be or drink more of a making a choice to stay with someone who accepts you for who you are or not.

K-

seamus

There has to be a reason why you have fights when you've been drinking. Do the fights start because you've been drinking and she's giving out to you, or do the fights start because the drink loosens your tongue?

That's really the biggest question here as I look at you situation. If, for example, a man was going out with a vegetarian girl, who starting telling him, "Become vegetarian or I'm leaving", I'd advise him to show her the door. The same thing here - if she's threatening to leave you, purely because she's anti-alcohol, then I'd show her the door.

Relationships are not about relenting to the other side, or making demands of the other side. They're about accepting the other person as they are and allowing them their personal foibles/tastes (even if you hate them). If one or either party in a relationship can't do this, then it has to end.

super_furry

Tough one. Personally, I wouldn't give in to her. If the situations is as your describe it she's being unreasonable and if she see's that she's able to bully and threaten you into changing, it could be the start of a slippery slope.

JC 2K3

http://www.goyk.com/text.asp?id=38

Seriously though, I wouldn't give in. I think you need to have a serious talk, if she refuses to compromise your relationship is going nowhere.

leeroybrown

The impression I get from your post that your girlfriend has a problem with you consuming any alcohol. Am I right in saying that? If that is the case and it's a dogmatic principle that she won't compromise on then you probably will either need to stop drinking or break up with her.

I can quite happily go for months without drinking alcohol but it doesn't mean that I would be willing to completely stop drinking alcohol to appease another person.

Boston

Maybe it's not the alcohol at all. Maybe it's the going out with your mates every other week. Is she the jealous type? Does she wonder what you're up to?

cast_iron

Yes, she is being unreasonable - completely unreasonable. It's Ireland, for God sake!

tinkerbell

I think that it's a bit odd that someone would go ballistic over drinking 5 pints about three times a month ... it's a bit too strange ... Maybe there's some other problem. Has she got trust issues and the like?

Boston

Hey, maybe just maybe, she doesn't like being around him when he's been drinking?

Drift

LiouVille wrote:

Hey, maybe just maybe, she doesn't like being around him when he's been drinking?

If this is the case and its only 3 nights a month then maybe he could stay over at a friends house the nights he goes out with him. That way she doesn't have to be around him when he's been drinking and there isn't a possiblity of an argument occuring.

Just read the OPs post and it doesn't say they're living together so maybe we're missing the point on this one.

Lorax

Tell her to get with the times or feck off back to her own country..

rediguana

It seems unreasonable alright. You can't discount her cultural background though. This isn't to say that you have to change. But you two do need to have a serious talk and discover (a) What exactly her issue is with what seems to be a moderate amount and low frequency of drinking, and (b) What you can both agree on. 2-3 big fights a month are too many.

She may well be jealous, as someone mentioned. It would be interesting to see if she had a problem with you consuming a few glasses of wine with her over dinner.

ferdi

seems ott to me, if she's going mad over this (something you've done since before you met) who knows what she'll start getting annoyed with next, be careful with this girl OP, thats all i'm saying.

Lou.m

I actually think it is just the alcohol, Ireland is one of the very few countries where it is socially acceptable for a man to drink more than two pints in a night. And mst other countries do not 'go out drinking' they have a drink with a meal. Saying you are going out just to drink is alcoholic talk in most countries.We as a country are not really the norm when it comes to drink. If she is not use to it it could be just that you need introduce her to the cultural side of it, expalin the role of the Irish pub in our society and that drinking is also about socialising, she may have a totally sleasy view of alcohol because that is what her country views it as. IN her country what you might drink may be considered unreasonable and someting that she did not expect to have to deal with and here she may be seen as the unreasonable one which is something you may not have expected to have had to deal with. Ask her how they treat alcohol in her country and how they drink it may give you a better understanding of her view.
Anyway talk to her about it.
If the rest of your relationship is good then it may not be her being controling otherwise she would try to control you in other ways and not just about alcohol.
Talk to her and the best of luck, maybe you can get her to loosen up!
I kind of know what it is like though i am a non drinker always have been. People do not believe i am Irish sometimes, just goes to show our reputation.
But it sounds like you are being moderate about alcohol so just talk it out.

DAVE_K

Is she muslim BTW? My wife is and for the most part doesn't drink - she's moderate enough about most things and can handle the alcohol side of things. Not all are like this though so if this is the case you need to start having serious thoughts about your future with her - a lot of compromises and agreements have to be made in this scenario. If she's not then I obviously don't know what I'm talking about.
I've given up drinking myself - i used to think that the missus was being a right harpie going on at me for going out drinking with the boys once a month. Thing was I was having cold beers at home most nights too!!!

Faith

Is that really all you drink?

If it is, then it seems a bit strange.

haunted-room

Do you start fights with her after drinking? Some people become aggresive after a few drinks. Maybe she fears that you will start going out drinking more often in the future?

masterK

If you really only have 4 or 5 pints and can handle them then she has no reason to complain, if on the other hand you have you're few beers and go home like a man possessed then that's another thing all together, only you really know.

Maybe she's had some bad alchohol related experiences at home.

Either way you need to decide if you want to have a few beers throughout your life or whether your willing to give it up for the girlfriend.

the_syco

Try doing an alcohol free evening, such as bowling, and see if she still goes mad. May be a control freak.

NADA

Maybe she lives by the Philosophy, "Once a loser, always a loser". Lol. No seriously you gotta ask what her problem is. That will help you solve it. You don't really seem to know yourself. Where is she from?

secret_squirrel

Lou.m wrote:

Ireland is one of the very few countries where it is socially acceptable for a man to drink more than two pints in a night.

Ahh come on now - In most of europe its socially acceptable to drink a couple of pints - even if its not the cultural norm. Its accepted as a Northern European thing to do.

OP : Either you drink more than you are claiming, or cant handle it and are an arse, or its your GF who has the problem. Tbh Im torn between the two.

Assuming you arent totally self deluded then you need to follow the advice of the multitude of posters here and have it out with your GF, and if she cant accept the drinkig, break off the engagement. If she is this controlling now - whats it going to be like after the wedding?

thebman

I think you need to find out what aspect of the drinking pisses her off.

If its just drinking in general that she hates with no real logical reason for hating that you drink (like you acting differently when drunk) then she needs to get over it.

If shes been fine with it up to now, why is it suddenly an issue?

cuppa

Tell her im going out for a few lines and gona drop a few E`s no drink just going to a rave ,,they might turn on the tap water ,,
dump her, not worth it un less u convert her to out IRISH ways..
bTW i do none of the above..:p

Black Swan

Lost99111 wrote:

I meet my friends about 2 - 3 times a month and have about 4 - 5 pints when I'm out with them.

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

JC 2K3

secret_squirrel wrote:

If she is this controlling now - whats it going to be like after the wedding?

Or on the wedding day!? :eek:

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

Not really, she's not even around him when he's out and 4/5 pints wouldn't make a regular drinker very drunk at all.

ferdi

DAVE_K wrote:

Is she muslim BTW? My wife is and for the most part doesn't drink

how does that work out for yous? i was under the impression muslim women were not allowed to marry outside their faith \sorry off topic/

faceman

I dont think anyone can give some worthwhile advice without more info. There has to be a reason for her dislike. Maybe the OP doesnt know himself and should talk to her.

DAVE_K

how does that work out for yous? i was under the impression muslim women were not allowed to marry outside their faith

A few porkies were told to the parents - how's the best way to say it - I was muslim for a day. I've no religion as it stands and I've no respect for anyone who tells me what I must believe or what I'm allowed. I'll say whatever you want but that doesn't mean i'll believe it.
My missus wanted out of there but didn't want the hassle of a bust up with her parents. I didn't want to see her go through the grief - if she'd stayed where she was she'd have been a woman in male dominated society and have never got a chance to do anything with her life. She'd walk down the street and get hassle cos she was wearing a t-shirt rather than a long sleeve shirt or her pants weren't long enough and you could see her "ankles"!!! It drove me nuts.
As well as that we were in love. So it was a case of what do i have to say and lets get away from here. We've been in Ireland a few years now and have 2 kids. The religious thing is a weird one to get around - we've come to the agreement that the best way to raise our children is to teach them about as many religions as we can and when the time comes they can make their own mind up about what way they want to go.

P.S. I know this is off topic but I thought the question was deserved of an answer.

dudara

Dave_K, fair reply, but back to the original topic now.

We need to hear from the OP for further details before we assume anymore. We don't know all the details. A lot of questions have been raised here by posters and I'd like to hear some answers, if possible, from the OP so that we can offer advice instead of speculation.