get under someone else to get over another?

Talliesin · 20-12-2006 11:11AM

Yeah, pretty much everyone is saying that it might work and it might not.

I'd take whether at least part of you is thinking "well, at least I can go out and have a shag/do that thing I like doing he didn't like/screw someone that's better at it/etc." then it's more likely to work for you.

If what you're looking for isn't actually sex then it's more likely to not work for you.

Silent Grape · 20-12-2006 12:53PM

you mean if im looking for more than sex, like a relationship?

Talliesin · 20-12-2006 01:04PM

I mean if you're looking to feel pretty and wanted.

spudington16 · 20-12-2006 01:08PM

Aoife-FM104 wrote:

Having sex with someone else definitely takes your mind off things! In my opinion, and experience, it does work. The key is not to develop a relationship with the other person, but to use the sex as a kind of ego boost/distraction.

I would only do it if you are finding it difficult to cope. Otherwise, it's probably healthier to spend the few weeks grieving.

PM me if you want more intimate details!!

With all due respect, that's possibly the worst advice you could have given, Aoife. Only a total lack of self esteem would make sleeping with someone else to get over the end of a relationship seem a good idea. Can't believe you were seriosuly suggesting that. :eek:

Nalz · 20-12-2006 04:26PM

Beetlebum wrote:

on. I found it so hard to accept the fact that it was over and I acted abit crazy. I sent him a few desperate emails and he wouldn't even respond. I had a few one night stands and felt empty and cheap afterwards. I drank almost every night and sent him upset and angry text messages. It's fair to say that it was rough!

Bored in work, I just read that there now...are you the female version of me? Jaysus you'd swear I wrote that. Exactly what happened to me.

akw_old · 20-12-2006 05:29PM

Silent Grape wrote:

thanks everyone.
but why this cruel callousness now?

this is what i cannot get over.

i'd say thats cos he is hurting too. its good that you threw everything into the relationship. you didnt do anything wrong, its been his decision, nad by how nice you sound most likely his mistake too.

he's going to australia in February. i dont see the need to break up with you now and not enjoy christmas. what was the big problem anyway, could he not do long distance.

basically sounds like you got lucky to get out in a way. you will get over it. i'm finally over my ex now in the last month or so. just take a bit of time. i did find doing exercise a big help, swimming helps, and any thing you could with your mates like jogging.

you'll be fine in time. and you'll meet someone better in time too.

Aoife-FM104 · 20-12-2006 05:48PM

spudington16 wrote:

With all due respect, that's possibly the worst advice you could have given, Aoife. Only a total lack of self esteem would make sleeping with someone else to get over the end of a relationship seem a good idea. Can't believe you were seriosuly suggesting that. :eek:

But only if you think sex is degrading or "special" etc.

There are lots of people who don't think like you, and are able to have sex because it's fun.

Talliesin · 20-12-2006 06:04PM

No, you can think sex is the most wonderful thing in the world, be very happy with your previous 1,342 sexual partners and still not be in a place where it would be a good idea.

Or for that matter the OP could well think that sex is degrading or "special" (how did you manage to get that into the same breath).

OP, prudes like this will always be there to tell us what to do sexually, but it generally isn't very useful. Working out what your own sexuality is about, and how to best express it and nurture it in a given situation is.

Aoife-FM104 · 20-12-2006 06:17PM

Talliesin wrote:

No, you can think sex is the most wonderful thing in the world, be very happy with your previous 1,342 sexual partners and still not be in a place where it would be a good idea.

Yes, she asked is it a good idea, and the answer is "it works for some people and it doesn't work for others".

You can't just say it's a bad idea.

Talliesin wrote:

OP, prudes like this will always be there to tell us what to do sexually, but it generally isn't very useful. Working out what your own sexuality is about, and how to best express it and nurture it in a given situation is.

LOL, you are trying to suggest I'm a prude? Because I think everyone is different when it comes to sex, and because I happen to think sex is not "special" or degrading or whatever people with sex issues think?

Weird logic...

LundiMardi · 20-12-2006 07:21PM

If you need to have sex to make yourself feel better then IN MY OPINION that certainly doesn't say much for your self esteem or self respect. Being a prude doesn't even come into the aquation.

Sex doesn't have to be special, it feels good and it's fun.. You do it because it feels good and it's fun, not because you're feeling down or unwanted or ugly.

Aoife-FM104 · 20-12-2006 08:21PM

Using that logic, anything she does to make herself feel better doesn't say much for her self esteem or self respect.

Unless you do actually consider sex to be something special...?

Nevyn · 20-12-2006 08:30PM

Some people will look to sleep with someone else so that the last person thaty kissed ect is not thier ex, it can be done to put in some distance.

Please keep your posts peritant and on topic.
There is another forum for the disscussion of sex and sexuality.

Silent Grape · 21-12-2006 11:37AM

hi everyone, thanks again for all the support and replies,

i was asked out on a 'date' for tonight but no, if ive only been crying about him this morning then im in no state to even consider someone else. i wake up and he's my first thought, and of course i go to sleep thinking of him.

i think he has a lot of his own stuff to deal with, and i agree thats why he's being so cold, but he doesnt have to be so uncooperative when it comes to something simple like getting my books back.

im heartbroken, and he's actively making it harder for me. but i think im making it harder too by contacting him. beetlebum is right, no contact is the only way to go. everytime i talk to him or get a text from him, of course it wont be the way it was before, and it sets me back another week of moving on.

this is my plan of action, let me know if you think its a good one:
its kind of a perk me up mission, but as i cant talk about these things to my familly very much, no one knows about it but me!

-im going clothes shopping with my sister later today

-im getting my hair done tomorrow spending the day researching an essay

-im going to the work christmas party tomorrow night with an open mind about a boy i kind of like being there.

-on saturday im getting my books back from dan but there will be no contact. he'll either drop them up to my house, or ill pick them up from outside his house. i want either that we meet up and properly talk, or nothing. i dont want small talk leaving me feel worse. so we will either have a proper conversation on saturday, or nothing at all. either way i have to protect myself for christmas so i can have a semblance of a nice time.

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

it seems like as soon as he was aware of how into the relationship we were, he freaked out.

i am not going near another man for a long time. i'm going on erasmus to italy in february anyway, so if anything happens it will always be on a bit of fun basis. i was so ready for a relationship, and its been cut short. its killing me. this pain isnt worth it for the length of the relationship.

now i feel strong now, but on friday night i could be weak and desperate, but im going to do my best to be good, fun, company to my work friends, do my college work, try to imagine him being there on christmas day and new years eve, and keep busy.

i completely respect everyone i know who has been broken up with tenfold now. its so tough.

Nalz · 21-12-2006 12:06PM

Silent Grape wrote:

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

You have to stop doin that to yourself, you dont have 5 questions for him. This is tough, and regardless of how you feel or what you think you have move on...get over it completely. Snapping out of it is hard, but you know that you wont be miserable forever over this, and time is a healer so why not speed up time a little bit by concentrating on you. Sure you can cry and feel down, but avoid contact with him and hold your head up high. I wish I did that instead of making a complete muppet of myself. I still have some small liccle feelins for my ex. She was my first real relationship and I wont forget her, regardless of what happened after breakup and how we dont get on now. But having said that its crucial for you to be thinking of yourself, and how you can stay positive and make this shítty situation better.

Jumpy · 21-12-2006 12:19PM

Silent Grape wrote:

hi everyone, thanks again for all the support and replies,

i was asked out on a 'date' for tonight but no, if ive only been crying about him this morning then im in no state to even consider someone else. i wake up and he's my first thought, and of course i go to sleep thinking of him.

i think he has a lot of his own stuff to deal with, and i agree thats why he's being so cold, but he doesnt have to be so uncooperative when it comes to something simple like getting my books back.

im heartbroken, and he's actively making it harder for me. but i think im making it harder too by contacting him. beetlebum is right, no contact is the only way to go. everytime i talk to him or get a text from him, of course it wont be the way it was before, and it sets me back another week of moving on.

this is my plan of action, let me know if you think its a good one:
its kind of a perk me up mission, but as i cant talk about these things to my familly very much, no one knows about it but me!

-im going clothes shopping with my sister later today

-im getting my hair done tomorrow spending the day researching an essay

-im going to the work christmas party tomorrow night with an open mind about a boy i kind of like being there.

-on saturday im getting my books back from dan but there will be no contact. he'll either drop them up to my house, or ill pick them up from outside his house. i want either that we meet up and properly talk, or nothing. i dont want small talk leaving me feel worse. so we will either have a proper conversation on saturday, or nothing at all. either way i have to protect myself for christmas so i can have a semblance of a nice time.

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

it seems like as soon as he was aware of how into the relationship we were, he freaked out.

i am not going near another man for a long time. i'm going on erasmus to italy in february anyway, so if anything happens it will always be on a bit of fun basis. i was so ready for a relationship, and its been cut short. its killing me. this pain isnt worth it for the length of the relationship.

now i feel strong now, but on friday night i could be weak and desperate, but im going to do my best to be good, fun, company to my work friends, do my college work, try to imagine him being there on christmas day and new years eve, and keep busy.

i completely respect everyone i know who has been broken up with tenfold now. its so tough.

Right. As someone still grieving after 8 months AND in another relationship, lets answer a few of those.

why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?

He didnt, its never just one day, and I am pretty sure hes freaking out almost as much as you are. Dont take this the wrong way, he is freaking out from guilt, it doesnt mean you can push him back into it.

why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?

I got this too, I cant answer it, things change.

why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?

Because he has been thinking of telling you for a while, he couldnt answer you without lying, so he had to answer you truthfully and end it.

why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?

See previous answer.

why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

I also got this, friends of hers told me she was a mess as well, it was that she didnt want to give me false hope. Which is smart in some ways, but very inconsiderate.

If you do want to sleep around, then there is no shame in it, just MAKE SURE the other person doesnt want a relationship, rebounds do not work, you cant replace him in such a short time, and unless its his twin you are going to judge him on the wrong scale, people are not the same, but the only thing it is going to give you is the feeling of "Yeah! I have still got it" you wont get much satisfaction.

As a really good friend told me "For a while you are not going to rate girls on a scale of 1 to 10, you will judge them on a scale of 1 to *insert girlfriends name here*"

Silent Grape · 21-12-2006 03:12PM

he was being perfectly normal , calling me the names he has for me on the same day, texting me 'hey kitten, hows the head? ill call you later' etc etc. it was only after the argument on the phone that he said maybe we should break up , he promised me he hadnt been thinking about it longer than that, and i believe him. but i do appreciate what you said jumpy, and thankyou for the advice

spudington16 · 22-12-2006 11:31PM

Aoife-FM104 wrote:

But only if you think sex is degrading or "special" etc.

There are lots of people who don't think like you, and are able to have sex because it's fun.

I wasn't for a second suggesting sex is either degrading or "special", as you put it; nor do I believe it. However it is undoubtable that anyone - especially females (no offence, but let's be frank) and perhaps men also - can entirely seperate themselves emotionally from sex, even if they claim it's just "for fun", as you suggest.

Ickle Magoo · 23-12-2006 02:17AM

OP,

To answer your original question, I think getting under someone else will help you get over someone else in some respects & is the worst thing you can do in other respects.

If you want to feel like you have lots of opportunities, that you can see/be with other men, that you have a lot of fun & excitement still to have - then having sex with a man you find attractive, even while grieving the end of your relationship can be a great thing to help you move on. However, it may remind you of how a warm body snuggled up to you feels, how those arms around your waist will never again be Y's, how this man smells/moves/has sex/etc differently to your ex bf & it may accentuate everything that you are/will miss about him.

To answer your other post...

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

I have a question for you. Does it matter? The bottom line is he wanted out of the relationship & I don't think torturing yourself with questions as to why, where & how makes any odds. Accept he just did & the best thing for you is to cut off contact (even for a few months) to get over him. Whether sleeping with someone else will help you to do that is a question only you can answer. Best of luck.

easyontheeye · 23-12-2006 02:18AM

i suppose for a bloke getting under some is always the best way! lol

get under someone else to get over another?

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