whats a guy to do ?

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 2:05pm #1

Im a 19 year old guy. I have really liked a friend of mine for a long while and had been haning out with her alot. I recently told her how I feel and kissed her. Thing is since then she has been quite distant and I figure she doesnt feel the same way. That I can deal with, even though rejection stings quite badly. What I can't deal with is tip toeing about, if she doesn't like me the same way why doesnt she just say it and be done with it? Is she trying to let me down easy by distancing herself from me and at times ignoring me altogher. I have asked her if everyting is alright before and she just says she grand and all that. I think I am coming across as quite needy and I hate it but I just dont know what shes thinking or anything. Thing is if this were just someone I had met and asked them out it would be fine I'd take the hint and feck off. However she is a friend of mine and I really do like her and I think this complicates matters. I was thinking of calling over to her house this week as I havnt seen her in 2 weeks and just saying "if you dont like in the same way thats cool I can deal with it just don't leave me in the lurch", This i think will be harder than telling her I like her because theres no hope of a happy outcome. She's a really cool girl and I love spending time with her but I really want to move on.

Any thoughts? Should I go to her? Should I just leave it is?

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 2:47pm

'Sorry if this problem is quite childish compared to other peoples problems on here, but it is weighing on my mind.'

Drift · 20-11-2006 2:58pm

You expressed your feelings well in that post, maybe an email saying exactly that? Or else say it to her face next time you see her.

Kell · 20-11-2006 3:08pm

messedupagain wrote:

Any thoughts? Should I go to her? Should I just leave it is?

Some women are b*stids.

Had a similar situation to yours last year. Told mate, she said she wasnt interested, then maintained everything was OK but stopped being "as" friendly. Tells me several months later she's not OK and still really uncomfy (months after I had well and truly moved on and shagged everything in sight).

As I said, some of them are just b*stids.

Advice- leave her be. Tell her to get over herself and that you have moved on. Might even lead her to chase you.

K-

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 3:17pm

Kell wrote:

Some women are b*stids.

I should certainly hope and believe that this is not the case.

Beetlebum · 20-11-2006 3:32pm

I was also in a similar situation myself a few months ago. One of my really close friends told me one night when we were out that he had feelings for me. I didn't feel the same way so I set him straight and told him not to worry about the friendship being affected by it. I admit I felt a bit uneasy at first, just with little things like talking about guys in front of him and I watched what I said abit so as not to give him the wrong idea.

I really respected him for telling me how he felt though. Thats not an easy thing to do so fair play to ya for being so brave. I wouldn't call for her or anything. Just play it cool, she knows how you feel now. Next time she contacts you and you meet up ask her how she feels about it. Beats wondering about it.

Good Luck!!

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 3:38pm

Beetlebum wrote:

Just play it cool

I don't think I have played it very cool so far tbh.

Beetlebum · 20-11-2006 4:18pm

Think about it in a push & pull kind of way. If you push the issue, she'll pull away. Play your cards a little bit closer to your chest. You've let her know you like her now sit back and see what she does next. In the meantime try to put it out of your mind as best you can. If you come across in any way needy she will lose any interest she might have in you.

biko · 20-11-2006 4:25pm

You should talk to her - try to clear the air.
If you just leave it now things are unfinished. Take her out for a walk or a coffee (somewhere neutral ground). Your OP sounds mature and I think therefore that this is what you should act like. Just tell her that you don't want to leave things hanging. The very least she will respect you for that.

If she does not want romance, back of for 3-4 weeks and then ask her out with some other mates and go get pished and laugh the whole thing off.

Point is that you have already taken the first step (brave!) and if she does not want to pursue that then there isn't much you can do but tell her that you still want to see her from time to time, albeit as friends.

py2006 · 20-11-2006 4:30pm

If she hasn't contacted you in a couple weeks after you telling her how you feel then you can pretty much take it she doesn't have feelings for you.

I wouldn't go chasing her friendship. Take a step back and whatever you do don't be texting/calling her every day.

Its up to her to make contact now and say yay or nay! If she is a good friend she will make the effort to keep the friendship.

I had a friend recently who I had strong feelings for. She knew it and messed with my mind for a bit. I never worked up the courage to say anything to her as I knew deep down she didn't have any feelings for me. It wasn't till went away for few months that I started to move on.

As harsh as it sounds I think its best to cut off all ties in these situations as it only wrecks your head. Its easier to move on when your not seeing the person anymore.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 4:32pm

'This is I think I have acted slighty needy. i.e. asking to speak with her, seeing if she wanted to do anything (altought at the time i though asking if she wanted to do something didnt seem too bad). Like I'm not really a smooth operator and sitting here thinking about it I feel like I've done all I could and yet still feel like an idiot cause I havnt really heard back from her and its killing me.'

Faith · 20-11-2006 4:33pm

Aye, I'd say she's trying to "let you down easy" or whatever. It's a tough situation to be put in, I know. When it happened to me, initially I distanced myself from my friend, but after a while I told him straight out how I felt. I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but he just appreciated my honesty.

I'd say ask her straight out, because it's going to be very difficult for her to tell you, and she probably won't do it of her own accord.

muppetkiller · 20-11-2006 4:33pm

Very similar thing for me two at the start of the year..told her how I felt and we had a bit of a kiss..
but as she had just broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years she didn't want to commit to anything so we said we'd let it rest for the time being.
Except she's still my buddy and tells me everything about her weekends (Who she shagged etc...) So basically I gave out to her at the weekend for being such a heartless cow...

She then apologized and said "She didn't know I felt that way about her" ??? Are women this dumb (I know they're not but she obviously is) ..

So now i've hooked up with someone rather yummy and guess who's rather keen to meet up and pop over to the house again...but she can just f3ck off...

My advice treat her like a friend for once as I've a feeling you've been treating her rather special since you met her. Maybe too special for a friend and not a girlfriend.That was my downfall.....

But on the plus side i'm not bitter (it may sound like it ) My friend isn't a patch on the new lady in my life.

watna · 20-11-2006 4:38pm

i've been in the girls situation. I was friends with this guy and had a great time with him. I knew that he liked me (people had told me). All I could think was that it would make things complicated. I wasn't thinking of how good it could be. It made me really uncomfortable because although I got on so well with him I was always on tenterhooks expecting him to say something and make things awkward. I think this made me appear standoffish or cold (so I was told afterwards!) We kissed once after a really good night together and I was so worried afterwards because I was just out of a long-term relationship and didn't want anything serious. The kiss was really good but I couldn't let myself go and enjoy it because I was worrying about the consequences far to much.

Anyway, one evening he just told me what he felt. I respected what he said, the way he said it and how he respected what I felt. Once he said how he felt and said he didn't expect anything from me, that we'd take it easy I relaxed.

We've been together for a good while now and I'm head over heels. Him handling the situation with so much maturity opened my eyes to what a special person he is (sorry, soppy I know!).

By telling your friend how you feel, and that you don't want to pressure her or make her uncomfortable will give her the chance to think about you and not how all over the place the situation is.

Kell · 20-11-2006 5:06pm

messedupagain3 wrote:

I should certainly hope and believe that this is not the case.

Oh trust me. B*stids some of them be. You wouldnt believe some of the stories if I told you.

You told her how you feel, she changes the way she is towards you. Sounds like she is too immature to waste anymore time on if she is behaving like this without hearing you out.

K-

littlesurfer · 20-11-2006 5:55pm

i've been in this girls situation before. Its not that easy. In my case i realised that this guys had been trying to get stuck in for about six months which really pissed me off cause he hadn't been straight with me....i really thought we were just great mates.

Maybe she feels like you betrayed her trust. It might sound dramatic but thats exactly how i felt...maybe shes the same

Black Swan · 20-11-2006 7:31pm

messedupagain wrote:

Im a 19 year old guy. I have really liked a friend of mine for a long while and had been haning out with her alot. I recently told her how I feel and kissed her. Thing is since then she has been quite distant and I figure she doesnt feel the same way.

You got your answer, when she distanced herself. She does not feel the same way, but just perhaps she is conflicted? You were her friend, then you crossed the line, which may have been natural with the way you felt (but not with the way she feels)?

Don't listen to the posters who call her names. After all, she is young like you and inexperienced? Maybe she would like to keep you as a friend, but now that you have crossed the line, she doesn't want to send you the wrong message? She probably feels conflicted and doesn't know what to do? Sure, if she was mature, she would just tell you that she does not feel that way, but you could stay friends?

Me thinks you need to meet her face-to-face (for coffee or tea... but not dinner or drinks cause what that suggests), tell her that you want to stay friends, and will not bug her about being something more? Whatever you do, don't text her this! It's so impersonal, and you will miss out on the subtle cues from her when she responds, and she will miss out on yours, too.

If she is in fact a friend you wish to keep, you will not be defensive about her (and immature) by trying to strike back cause it hurt to be rejected. If not, then just move on.

Carrigart Exile · 20-11-2006 8:35pm

py2006 wrote:

If she hasn't contacted you in a couple weeks after you telling her how you feel then you can pretty much take it she doesn't have feelings for you.

I wouldn't go chasing her friendship. Take a step back and whatever you do don't be texting/calling her every day.

Its up to her to make contact now and say yay or nay! If she is a good friend she will make the effort to keep the friendship.

I had a friend recently who I had strong feelings for. She knew it and messed with my mind for a bit. I never worked up the courage to say anything to her as I knew deep down she didn't have any feelings for me. It wasn't till went away for few months that I started to move on.

As harsh as it sounds I think its best to cut off all ties in these situations as it only wrecks your head. Its easier to move on when your not seeing the person anymore.

This I must admit was my concern. A friend of mine wears his heart on his sleeve for a girl in our group and my God does she dangle him. She can get drunk and be all over him and the poor sap thinks he is in with a chance of a relationship, then its 'go-away we are just friends'. This has now been going on for years.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 9:42pm

'

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

You got your answer, when she distanced herself.

Me thinks you need to meet her face-to-face

Whatever you do, don't text her this!

trying to strike back cause it hurt to be rejected

Sorry I was out. I don't accept distancing yourself from someone as an answer, I also am pretty bad on picking up these subtleties. A face to face meeting is hard to get when the other person is being very distant. I would hope that I would have the balls and decency not to text her this. And striking back was never on the agenda tbh, I feel dissappointed more than anything else at how I messed this up.'

Carrigart Exile · 20-11-2006 11:34pm

messedupagain5 wrote:

' Sorry I was out. I don't accept distancing yourself from someone as an answer, I also am pretty bad on picking up these subtleties. A face to face meeting is hard to get when the other person is being very distant. I would hope that I would have the balls and decency not to text her this. And striking back was never on the agenda tbh, I feel dissappointed more than anything else at how I messed this up.'

faint heart never won fair lady and if you hadn't tried you would never have known. Good idea from some posters is to ensure the next time you are out together its with a large group of frineds.

JohnCleary · 21-11-2006 12:29am

Haven't read other peoples posts but...

Guy being friends with a girl = Guy wants to ride girl
Girl being friends with guy = Girl see's guy as a friend

It's simple, don't listen to 500 word essay's about it. That's it, simple.

sceptre · 21-11-2006 1:03am

JohnCleary wrote:

Haven't read other peoples posts but...

Guy being friends with a girl = Guy wants to ride girl
Girl being friends with guy = Girl see's guy as a friend

It's simple, don't listen to 500 word essay's about it. That's it, simple.

That's rather shockingly simplistic. More than once for me, living in non-sitcom land as I do, it's either been the other way around or both people just got on as mates.

Kell · 21-11-2006 9:45am

messedupagain5 wrote:

' I feel dissappointed more than anything else at how I messed this up.

You didnt mess up. You told someone how you felt and they threw a wobbly <of sorts>. Sounds to me like she messed up by not having the maturity to let it slide.

K-

LegacyUser · 21-11-2006 4:24pm

I think I'll just leave it then. Had a shot, didn't work out, if she doesnt want to talk to me whatever.... fun while it was in a quasi-zygotic stage.... how romantic.

Húrin · 22-11-2006 10:42pm

littlesurfer wrote:

i've been in this girls situation before. Its not that easy. In my case i realised that this guys had been trying to get stuck in for about six months which really pissed me off cause he hadn't been straight with me....i really thought we were just great mates.

Maybe she feels like you betrayed her trust. It might sound dramatic but thats exactly how i felt...maybe shes the same

Trust? Why do so many girls have a problem with a guy who, you know, wants to know someone before attempting a relationship?

Húrin · 22-11-2006 10:45pm

JohnCleary wrote:

Haven't read other peoples posts but...

Guy being friends with a girl = Guy wants to ride girl
Girl being friends with guy = Girl see's guy as a friend

It's simple, don't listen to 500 word essay's about it. That's it, simple.

That's complete rubbish in fairness and I'm sure you know that.

Rb · 23-11-2006 12:20am

JohnCleary wrote:

Haven't read other peoples posts but...

Guy being friends with a girl = Guy wants to ride girl
Girl being friends with guy = Girl see's guy as a friend

It's simple, don't listen to 500 word essay's about it. That's it, simple.

Utter tripe John.

Kell wrote:

You didnt mess up. You told someone how you felt and they threw a wobbly <of sorts>. Sounds to me like she messed up by not having the maturity to let it slide.

I agree. OP its not your fault. Leave her to sort herself out, if she wants you she knows how/where to find you.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2006 7:11pm

'Still no word, this isnt fair...'

whats a guy to do ?

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