Longing for a Baby

chump · 03-08-2006 06:22PM

Chrissy wrote:

Great investigative work there CSG!!!:rolleyes:

We've been best mates for years & years & years, we've only started shagging this past year I guess.

The 'Relationship' if you like, has been there a very long time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not into rushing things in general. Ex's were dated for years, like we're talking 5 years+, & I never wanted to marry them or have kids with them or anything, but this guy is the real deal.

Plus, I said we aren't intending on having kids anytime soon, I just can't get the longing out of my system, which is what I really want.

Sounds to me like there's something missing from your life and you want to fill that void with a child.

Do you have a career?
Do you have hobbies?
Do you have a dream other than to have children?

TBH I think it's a prefectly valid dream and ambition to have children - I just don't think it should be your only dream/ambition.

RainyDay · 03-08-2006 11:29PM

Just one point from personal experience - Don't assume that once you make the decision to proceed, baby will appear to your schedule. I'm five years older as a parent than I expected to be, having gone through 5 difficult years of infertility/investigations/IVF.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2006 08:58AM

Hey Chrissy,

I am a couple of years younger then you, and I absolutely love kids (especially babies, I go all gooey when I see them),
I have a 10 year old sister, so I guess I had a bit of hand in her upbringing, and I have been hugely educated in the ways a child minds works bu watching her grow up, and seeing her personality develop.
I am in a long term relationship, (together 2.5 years with a view to marry) my BF loves babies too, and I know, eventually, we will have children of our own.

However, as much as I love babies, and children, I think that the next few years should be about us, us as a couple, and as individuals.

If we were to marry in the next few years I would very much like to spend at least another couple of years just getting to know each other as a married couple, living together, making decisions together, developing our relationship to a point where a child could only strengthen it.

I know you know your BF a long time, and you both feel that you are each others 'ONE', but you need to take time to learn about each other, on every level.

Marriage requires huge compromises, as does living together, you need to be sure you can handle all the changes that these two elements will throw at you before consider bringing a child into the relationship.

If your relationship is not rock solid a child will not help to cement it.

Take your time, work on your relationship, then have children.

You no you both want them, you know you have a good 10 years or more in which to have them, slow down, and try not to let you want for a baby take the leading role in your lives.

Doctor Fell · 04-08-2006 09:31AM

what_to_do wrote:

However, as much as I love babies, and children, I think that the next few years should be about us, us as a couple, and as individuals.

Marriage requires huge compromises, as does living together, you need to be sure you can handle all the changes that these two elements will throw at you before consider bringing a child into the relationship.

If your relationship is not rock solid a child will not help to cement it.

Take your time, work on your relationship, then have children.

You no you both want them, you know you have a good 10 years or more in which to have them, slow down, and try not to let you want for a baby take the leading role in your lives.

Hi, with due respect, the above is not good advice. You have stated your own preference for having kids, but every couple is different. What works for you might not work for the OP. I gather from the OP's post she does not want to wait 10 more years. And there's nothing wrong with that - if she wants babies soon that's her choice and that's fine.
Besides, why should she not let her want for a baby take the "leading role" in their lives? What's possibly wrong with that? Are you suggesting desire for children is somehow unhealthy or wrong, or that its wrong to prioritise it? Because there's nothing wrong with prioritising children if that's what they want.
And finally, I would also disagree about the having a child does not cement a relationship line. Who can say any relationship is 100% "rock solid"? I don't see why you're putting this pre-condition on having kids. In my experience children more often than not do improve relationships between spouses. And no-one can be sure they can handle what will happen at a future date until it actually happens, and they have to act. So when you say "you need to be sure you can handle all the changes that these two elements will throw at you before consider bringing a child into the relationship", that becomes meaningless as nobody can honestly know how they will act apriori to any given event.
And what "work" exactly should people do on relationships?? Relationships develop over time, some develop very quickly (ever meet someone you hit it off with immediatley?) others don't. Point is if they're both happy to have kids that's enough - you don't have to wait 10 years :eek: to "cement" something that isn't concrete in the first place (excuse the pun).

Edit: just wondering why you had to go anonymous to post your above advice?

LegacyUser · 04-08-2006 09:35AM

Doctor Fell wrote:

Hi, with due respect, the above is not good advice. You have stated your own preference for having kids, but every couple is different. What works for you might not work for the OP. I gather from the OP's post she does not want to wait 10 more years. And there's nothing wrong with that - if she wants babies soon that's her choice and that's fine.
Besides, why should she not let her want for a baby take the "leading role" in their lives? What's possibly wrong with that? Are you suggesting desire for children is somehow unhealthy or wrong, or that its wrong to prioritise it? Because there's nothing wrong with prioritising children if that's what they want.
And finally, I would also disagree about the having a child does not cement a relationship line. Who can say any relationship is 100% "rock solid"? I don't see why you're putting this pre-condition on having kids. In my experience children more often than not do improve relationships between spouses. And no-one can be sure they can handle what will happen at a future date until it actually happens, and they have to act. So when you say "you need to be sure you can handle all the changes that these two elements will throw at you before consider bringing a child into the relationship", that becomes meaningless as nobody can honestly know how they will act apriori to any given event.
And what "work" exactly should people do on relationships?? Relationships develop over time, some develop very quickly (ever meet someone you hit it off with immediatley?) others don't. Point is if they're both happy to have kids that's enough - you don't have to wait 10 years :eek: to "cement" something that isn't concrete in the first place (excuse the pun).

I don't think they should wait 10 years, I merely meant to suggest that they had at least 10 years in which to play around with.
Also, if her BF wanted children right now then there would be no stopping them, but he doesn't want them right now.
According to the OP he does want children eventually, but would prefer to be more settled, in terms of home and marriage, and financially, before having them, so for him at least, having children is not his main priority right now.

Doctor Fell · 04-08-2006 10:03AM

WHAT_TO_DO wrote:

I don't think they should wait 10 years, I merely meant to suggest that they had at least 10 years in which to play around with.
Also, if her BF wanted children right now then there would be no stopping them, but he doesn't want them right now.
According to the OP he does want children eventually, but would prefer to be more settled, in terms of home and marriage, and financially, before having them, so for him at least, having children is not his main priority right now.

Fair enough about the 10 years - but mid 30's is not biologically speaking the best time. Also, as a previous poster pointed out, conception might not be as easy as anticipated.
Where did she say all that about her BF? Just re-read her posts and couldn't find it.
I still don't understand why you think they shouldn't let desire for a child take a "leading role" in their lives. I don't see why that is a bad thing at all.

Gordon · 04-08-2006 10:09AM

The OP is not talking about having a baby now. Her problem is the broodiness, and how to calm her broodiness down.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2006 10:13AM

Chrissy wrote:

It does not suit for me to get pregnant right now. Yes, financially I'm fine, but I still live at home, we haven't started to build our house yet, never mind be settled in it, we're not married yet, we're still relatively young, etc, etc, etc, so the timing is not right & we're not trying for a baby, in fact we're being V careful with contraception so that a pregnancy doesn't occur.

This leads me to believe that although they are serious about each other, and very happy together, they are definitely not planning on making a baby any time soon

Chrissy wrote:

how does my partner feel:- well I'm sure he's not broody, but he'd feel the same as me, in that now's not the right time.
He's fantastic with children, loves them, He'll make a wonderful father. He wants us to have kids, we've talked several times about them. If an accident were to happen, he'd be delighted, after the initial shock, but would prefer if the accident didn't happen until we were better ready.

[/QUOTE]

And the above makes me think that her Partner loves her very much, but it would seem that a baby definitely is not his main priority right now.

Yes, he could handle it, and would be excited about it should it happen by accident, but its certainly not something he wants right now, and not something he is planning for.

Chrissy · 04-08-2006 10:19AM

Gordon wrote:

The OP is not talking about having a baby now. Her problem is the broodiness, and how to calm her broodiness down.

Thank you Gordon!

I was beginning to get really fed up of people saying "SLOW DOWN :eek: ", "babies this early on will ruin....", when you're right, not once have i actually said that I REALLY want a baby right now, my body is trying to convince me that I do, but my head knows I don't & yes, I just want to get rid of the broodiness.

What_To_Do.

Yes, WE could handle it, and would be excited about it should it happen by accident, but its certainly not something WE want right now, and not something WE are planning for.

That's how your sentence should read.
Myself & bf feel exactly the same with regards to children, it's just he's not feeling broody, probably normal as he's a guy

Gordon · 04-08-2006 10:25AM

I would have thought that the least amount of contact that you can have with kids would be the best course of action for you Chrissy, however I've never experienced broodiness and I'm a guy.

Doctor Fell · 04-08-2006 10:30AM

Chrissy wrote:

I just want to get rid of the broodiness.

Sorry, I can't help you there!

I knew what your post was originally, but I was just responding to people with the "don't have a child now!" attitude. I'll bow out now, as I don't think anyone can really do anything about that feeling you have.

Good luck!

Chrissy · 04-08-2006 10:35AM

I wasn't hinting at you in my post Doctor Fell.

I agree with everything you said, tbh.

Thanks.

(but, though there's never an ideal time, there will be a time more suitable than where I'm currently at, so we'll be holding off for a while....... Now, if I could just convince my body of that!!)

Thanks for your input.

Doctor Fell · 04-08-2006 10:46AM

No problem at all Chrissy, hope everything works out for you!

NextSteps · 23-09-2006 09:59PM

Chrissy, I know exactly what you mean. For the last six months or so I can't stop thinking of being pregnant. It's on my mind all the time, to my boyfriend's horror (we're 28, but he sees it as something we should wait a year or two before discussing). It's like a hunger or a longing in the pit of the stomach. Nothing will shake it.

And it's strange, because I've never been a babies type of person. I usually ignore them, and I certainly don't go all gooey. I'm usually very rational. It seems to be mainly pregnancy that I want. I'd do it in the morning.

I wish there were something I could do to put the whole thing out of my mind - for one thing, it's rough on the boyfriend, as it would be extremely selfish to guiltrip him into fatherhood - but there isn't.

embee · 23-09-2006 11:37PM

UB wrote:

It seems to be mainly pregnancy that I want. I'd do it in the morning.

Pregnancy is a mere 9 months and, bar not drinking and eating the right foods, seeking proper ante-natal care, your life doesn't REALLY change during pregnancy.

To be honest, if its pregnancy you say you want, that should tell you that you are in no way ready to become a parent and all that it entails.

OP - On the broodiness thing... A friend of mine is going through the exact same thing at the moment. She went out and got herself a kitten to "mother", and she says for her its doing the trick. Pouring all of her nurturing instincts into a pet is keeping the tick tock in the background down to a dull roar. Obviously, this may not work for you, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

JC 2K3 · 24-09-2006 12:40AM

Can you not get hormone suppressants or something that'd stop this?

LegacyUser · 24-09-2006 10:09AM

I'd say Chrissy that your constant contact with children probably isn't helping the situation. Maybe try to cut that down a bit.

I was in a similar situation myself about 6 or 8 months back, my fiance and I have been together about 5 years, and I'd been really broody for about 4 months, but because the time wasn't right I'd just kept the feelings to myself. The longing (and almost pain) that I was feeling was unbelievable. It was actually starting to get me down, partly because of the sheer longing, and partly because I was carrying it all by myself.
I sat down one day and just explained it all to my other half, got a bit teary, and told him how big of a feeling it was to me. We'd already discussed having kids so there was no question that we would have children, I just had this crazy overload telling me that I needed them right now.
Anyway, almost as soon as I explained all of this to him, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say. I still wanted kids but the overwhelming need stopped.

In fact a few months down the line, we've decided the time is as good as it will ever be and we're now TTC. He's actually the one thats feeling more broody than me now. LOL

I know that you said you've discussed kids before, but sit down and explain exactly how you're feeling. Getting it off your chest and not dealing with it alone can be a great help.

Incidentally, the reason I'm unregged is that me and my other half both use Boards and it's common knowledge on the forums he uses most that we are in a relationship, and whilst I'd have no problem people knowing our situation, I can't make that decision for him. Just in case anyone wondered.

Longing for a Baby

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