Girlfriend Problem

secret_squirrel · 09-08-2006 07:06PM

Just drop her like a stone.

No explanations - just tell her to get out of your life.

Even if she isnt cheating physically, she is cheating in her head.

14 Txt's a day every day is not platonic.

Alternatively -

ask yourself (and her) what she is getting from yer mans 14 texts a day that she isnt getting in your relationship - and try and fix it double quick.

Nevyn · 09-08-2006 07:10PM

If i had a friend my partner didnt like them or approve of them as a friend I sure as hell would not drop my friend.

Who the hell is a bf/gf think they are dictating who thier bf/gf can be friends with and who they are and are not allowed to communicate with ?

09-08-2006 07:29PM

Tbh, I've texted plenty of people tons every day and it doesn't mean I want to do anything with them. More often than not, I'm not interested in them, I'm just chatting with them. I'm also ok with light flirting in a relationship as long as the partner is ok with it and not throwing unreasonable fits about it.
In conclusion, the pair of ye are a bit daft, tbh. OP stop snooping, and the gf should have a mutual respect of privacy or mutual openness with OP.

secret_squirrel · 09-08-2006 07:34PM

Thaedydal wrote:

Who the hell is a bf/gf think they are dictating who thier bf/gf can be friends with and who they are and are not allowed to communicate with ?

14 Texts a day - everyday - do you seriously believe they are all innocent?

Especially when she has already proved she has got something to hide by lying about the amount of messages.

If they arent innocent - then he has a right to find out whats going on.

He also has the right to call her up on the fact that her texting and her lying about it is damaging the relationship

09-08-2006 07:36PM

secret_squirrel wrote:

14 Texts a day - everyday - do you seriously believe they are all innocent?

It's not impossible. Her hiding it is another matter though.

Nevyn · 09-08-2006 07:48PM

14 texts is nothing over the space of a day or an evenings converstaion with someone.

what is an issue is that the bf has an issue with the gf being in touch with a certain person.

This may not be as one sided as people think. If the bf is going to get stroppy because she is talk to her friend and be paranoid then yes she will not tell him
but should she have to hide the fact she is talking/texting with a friend ?

I believe they could be innocent.
I believe that with the paranoia, attempts of control, the lack of trust and lack of comunication is what will kill this relationship not someone texting thier friend.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2006 08:43PM

Of course he shouldn't have gone through her call log but that's a whole new thread re privacy.

A couple of years ago when I was in college I got on great with a girl who was in a relationship for 3 years. We were always texting i.e. 10 or more times a day, I knew she was in the relationship but loved the attention because I fancied the pants off her. I know her boyfriend at the time was very jealous of me and she kept telling him that he was being stupid. Eventually she did cheat on her boyfriend with me over the course of a year and he(and me btw but I deserved it) ended up getting hurt badly.

My point is, if the original poster's gut tells him that he can't trust his gf then he's probably right.

I feel rotten for what I did and would change it if i could but I know if it wasn't me she would have cheated on him with someone else. I've seen it happen a few times with other people since. I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.

BeardyGit · 09-08-2006 09:32PM

Write what you will OP - You've really shown how low you can stoop by going back again to look through her records again. I think you used the word "scumbag"? I won't disagree.

Can you explain just how you think you're in a superior position here? You're just as devoid of respect as you claim her to be - The only difference here is that all you can do is count texts - But we KNOW you're acting like a low-life.

I can't wait until you tip your hand, letting your girlfriend know you've been spying on her. I just hope she has a chance to dump you before you can act. You'll deserve it too.....

smallpaws · 10-08-2006 12:21AM

I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.

Sad to say, but that's what I think too, especially after talking like you already did with her. It may be one sided, it may be the guy really digs her and she just likes the attention and doesn't want you getting all jealous over nothing (hence lying to protect a guy is essentially harmless to you), but ........like another poster said, if you feel it in your guts, you're probably right.
People lie all the time, but guts hardly ever do.

Caryatnid · 10-08-2006 07:46AM

smallpaws wrote:

I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.

I agreee with this. I've had/have various guy/girl mates, and really I don't think people text people ten times every day unless there is an attraction there.
Ten texts to one person in one day every now and then is totally normal, if you're organising something/talking about something or whatever, but not every day.

ANYWAY, This is what I really wanted to say:
Why are so many people giving the OP stick about checking the messages? I used to feel like this when I was younger and more naive, but now I've actually been through this situation and I feel totally different.

I was 'the girl' in the OPs story. I was the one just 'getting too close' to another guy while I was with my boyfriend. The truth is, I was actually unhappy with the situation and didn't tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't delete all the messages from 'the other guy'. My boyf checked my phone, and found the messages. He's actually really into personal privacy, and I know he was looking for something else but found this by accident.

I was really glad that he had checked my messages. I felt he had a right to know, and I was too ****ty and nervous and crappy to tell him. I was not mad at him for checking my messages because I totally deserved it, and tbh if I had really wanted him not to find out, I wouldn't have deleted them.

The final outcome was good. My boyfriend confronted me, we talked about the situation, and fixed it.

I don't know if this will help you at all OP - I don't want to give you too muc advice as I think that other people have given you lots of advice by now - but I just wanted to give you a different perspective. I think you should definitely confront her. Good can only come of that. Else you're in limbo. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Fanny Cradock · 10-08-2006 11:50AM

Gil_Dub wrote:

I can't wait until you tip your hand, letting your girlfriend know you've been spying on her. I just hope she has a chance to dump you before you can act. You'll deserve it too.....

ahh, the self-righteous poster. normally i think your posts are spot on gil_dub, but you've totally overreacted here. the vitriol you spew in your post is pretty shocking and completely uncalled for. he’s already stated that she regularly checks/ed his texts, and he really only checked hers after she became a little secretive and protective regarding texts she was receiving of late. because of this little fact, your justification for wanting a total stranger to get dumped is invalidated. remember: SHE CHECKED HIS TEXTS TOO.

Dustaz · 10-08-2006 02:35PM

i gotta agree with Fanny on this. Normally Gill_Dub is one of THE best posters on this board, but i have to agree that i think your way off the mark*.

We've all fallen foul to curiosity and it doesnt seem to be a taboo within their relationship. I dont think hes too much of a scumbag for doing what he did. Plus hes forewarned about a possible problem in their relationship.

Gotta agree that 14 texts a day is NOT just simple conversation. 14 texts a day is definite flirting and probably more.

* Mind you, as if to show that not everyone has gone mad, Thaed has completly missed the point and is talking nonsense as usual.

Mrs_Doyle · 10-08-2006 02:44PM

If I looked at my BF's phone records I wouldn't be able to 'NOT' say it to him.
I would tell him I looked, accept the bollocking that might follow and then ask what the story was with txting this oerson 10 times a day and then feeling the need to lie about how often they where txting them.

I know its not right to look at phone records/read someones txts or emails without their permission etc, but if I actually did do it, my main concern would be getting to the bottom of it, I wouldn't get preoccupied with getting away with the original snooping.

There might be a very logical explanation and you wont find out what it is until you come right out and ask for it.

BeardyGit · 10-08-2006 03:29PM

Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick on this one....The OP wrote in his original post that his girlfriend was logged onto her O2/Vodaphone/Meteor/3 webpage and minimised it, instead of logging out. The OP's curiosity got the better of him and he had a look. Not what I'd do personally but fair enough, some people can't control themselves. He comes on here and states his piece, acknowledging he shouldn't have but that's the way it is.

Skip forward a day and he's back here to say he's been looking through her records again. This isn't casually picking up a mobile and having a look in the sent items folder, it's looking at her account using the webpage where she has mistakenly remained logged in. This is being done without her consent and while I'd let the curiosity thing slide the first time, the repeat visit a whole day later is blatant invasion of privacy. Now it's considered, planned, very deliberate invasion of privacy and abuse of trust.

Now that smacks of deliberate subterfuge on his part and he's basing his assessment of her guilt on nothing but numbers of texts to someone he also mentioned he's suspicious of in his first post. Why is it that he has asked her outright what's happening, received an answer from her that there's nothing going on and yet he still thinks counting text messages and watching her account info without her permission will prove her guilt. It won't. If he doesn't trust her, and I'm not saying he should for one minute, why doesn't he deal with it like an adult.

Don't act like some sort of misguided sleuth, attempting to trap the perpetrator by deceptive and ill considered means. Bring it out in the open and address it. Have enough respect for yourself to deal with it swiftly and with the minimum fuss and effort necessary. Decide you trust her and stop spying on her or else decide you don't trust her and get on with what you have to do.

Surely this is obvious? I'm all for calling her out if she's a lying, cheating bitch. But you're not going to prove that or support an accusation - All you'll do is compound your suspicions with something you can't actually substantiate. Now, if she let you read the text messages, you'd be in a different place and I'd say fair play to you for being assertive enough to take control of the situation and put her on the spot. But you're not - If she's changed her behaviour regarding you reading her texts openly (a questionable behaviour in the first place on both your parts), take it as an indication that she's up to no good if you want. I hope that clarifies my take on this.

It has nothing to do with me being self righteous - It has everything to do with two wrongs not making a right.

EDIT: Just one thing to add - I don't necessarily want to see the guy getting dumped. But let's remember that there are two sides to this story and we're only hearing one. If he thinks it's okay to behave like this, what's to say he's the loyal, loving and understanding partner everyone assumes he is? Does anyone think it possible the way she's behaving could be a consequence of creepy, possessive behaviour? Might be unlikely, but if he can't draw the line here - Where does he stop?

Julesie · 10-08-2006 03:45PM

But Gil_Dub i think the reason the OP went back to check the text log again is because his girlfriend blatantly lied to him when he first broached the issue with her. At least now he has his facts straight, knows exactly how much they have been texting each other and can tell his girlfriend as much. From what the OP has said so far i do think he is dealing with this in a grown up manner and the fault lies solely with his girlfriend but then thats the beauty of an internet forum, we are only getting one side of the story.

Fanny Cradock · 10-08-2006 03:54PM

very true, it is an abuse of trust. however, the deed has been done, and what remains is the question as to why the girlfriend has twice denied that she is texting this guy a number of times a day. personally, i don't think his her actions to date necessarily imply anything upon the lines of cheating – maybe it’s all harmless fun. this said, the guy has been going out with her for 4 years and would be in a better position to judge any unuasual behaviour. i think that the truth of the matter will determine if the OP, or for that matter the girlfriend is the villain here. possibly the end will justify the means.

Nevyn · 10-08-2006 04:12PM

Yes she should not have lied but why did she feel that she had to ?

Either she is 'carrying on' behind her bf back or

her decided he does not like her being friends with someone who happens to be male and wants her not to be in contact with her friend and is making her life miserible until he gets his way and is checking up on her to make sure she does not contact her friend.

It could be either.
Either way there are a lot of issues in this relationship and they need to talk about them and sort them out.

daveg · 10-08-2006 04:21PM

Personally I think you may have some trouble ahead mate. She is texting another male 14 times a day. That is not good.

My advice would be to ignore the male testosterone shíte posted here telling to you kick her to the kurb etc etc. You need to sit down and discuss in an adult manner. You need to tell her that you checked her text habits (and that you were wrong to do so). However you need to calmly tell her that you are concerned about this texting and that you would like an explenation for it. If you are unhappy with the reply you need to let her know and make sure she knows you find this unaccepatable and that it has to stop.

LegacyUser · 10-08-2006 06:04PM

OK heres what happened:

I said to her " if I left my call log on the vodafone website, would you look at it when i went home", to which she replyed "Ye, sure you have nothing to hide do you". Then I said well I looked at hers, then I questioned her about the frequency of her texting dis bloke. She continued to deny it even though I had proof, which pissed me of.

The she came straight and said she just feels sorry for him cos he sits at home all day (he cant work at the moment due to a medical problem) on his own and he doesnt really have any friends. She also said he asks about how I am (I had an accident recently) and he knows shes totally in love with me. I totally believe her, she reassured me that she is totally in love and happy with me and would never cheat. She just said hes a nice bloke but theres no way in hell she'd ever get with him cos shes so happy being with me.

Now I have no reason to doubt her on any of this because I do trust her. I told her im cool with her texting him cos im not really the jealous type. She totally saw it from my point of view and so everything is cool.

We also agreed that if one of us ever wanted to check the others messages etc they could as there is nothing to hide between us (although I wont be doing it again anyway!)

I just told her I was annoyed for her lying about it and hiding it from me but she said she didnt want me to feel jealous or anything so just didnt say anything.

So I think its problem sorted!

secret_squirrel · 10-08-2006 09:11PM

OP 1 - 0 Vitriolic Gil

Julesie · 10-08-2006 09:37PM

Fair play... a happy ending for the PI forum.

BeardyGit · 10-08-2006 10:16PM

secret_squirrel wrote:

OP 1 - 0 Vitriolic Gil

Well done OP. Glad you managed to work out a serious weakness of trust in your relationship, and with no more than a quick chat. It's good to see she's satisfied with your claim that you're not the jealous type, despite evidence that would suggest you're far from it. You obviously know each other better than would appear to the casual and impartial observer.....

The funny thing about asking strangers for anonymous advice is that you'll get it. And it'll be their honest opinion. Despite this, some people will always try to take the advice that supports a course of action upon which they've already set their minds. For me, I like to be called out on this every once in a while. It provides a valuable reality check when I start to stray. But you know what, some people like the cartoon network, others like the discovery channel. We each have a personal threshold when it comes to facing reality. I think I know where the OP's lies.

But hey, if he's happy, he's happy. PI has served its purpose once again. I've a warm fuzzy feeling now....Oh, I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. Who? What?

Gil

LegacyUser · 10-08-2006 10:20PM

I would still be 100% absolutely sure that the other guy fancies your gf. He wouldn't be bothered texting her ( even out of boredom) unless he thought he had a chance.
Her saying she felt 'sorry' for him is just a little too convenient. If you just felt sorry for someone and didn't feel much for them would you still send 14 msgs a day, every day? You might reply once or twice and then say you're busy.

Anyway that's my two cent, you know you're gf better than anyone and I say go with your gut.

Caryatnid · 10-08-2006 10:21PM

OP:
:-D
Just like my situation!!
PROOF that things aren't always black and white.
Maybe the OP wasn't as evil as we all thought for checking the phonebill????

rsta · 13-08-2006 08:06PM

Good stuff OP.

Well done

gary the great · 13-08-2006 09:25PM

Ungi34fjgstered wrote:

I would still be 100% absolutely sure that the other guy fancies your gf. He wouldn't be bothered texting her ( even out of boredom) unless he thought he had a chance.
Her saying she felt 'sorry' for him is just a little too convenient. If you just felt sorry for someone and didn't feel much for them would you still send 14 msgs a day, every day? You might reply once or twice and then say you're busy.

Anyway that's my two cent, you know you're gf better than anyone and I say go with your gut.

Yep exactly what I think, obviously you know better but Id still be keeping my eyes on the situation

remain unknown · 13-08-2006 09:43PM

right my ex did the same. She hid al lthe texts and calls she made and recieved to him. I asked her about it and she said he was just giving her advice. Theyve been friends for years, and slept together along time ago. It happened again, and I asked was there anything going on between them, and she laughed and said dont be silly. 2 weeks later she moved in with him with my kid, so unless u know ur gf is 100% honest, id be very careful. Obviously not everyr girl is like my ex, but just be careful. I hope for ur sake its totally innocent, and that u can build your relationship alot stronger

metrovelvet · 13-08-2006 09:43PM

ffdjdjiooiff wrote:

OK heres what happened:
She continued to deny it even though I had proof, which pissed me of.!

hmnnnnn

ffdjdjiooiff wrote:

The she came straight and said she just feels sorry for him

Does anyone else find this sickenly patronising? Imagine how you would feel if someone were talking to you only because they felt sorry for you. How condescending can you get.

Jules · 13-08-2006 10:02PM

oh come on the girl was just being nice to him, im sure there are plenty of guys and girls out there who dont have alot of friends, either due to social ineptness or whatever and when someone takes time out to be nice and talk to them well im sure they probably feel better! in no way is it patronising

Blazer · 13-08-2006 10:04PM

metrovelvet wrote:

hmnnnnn

Does anyone else find this sickenly patronising? Imagine how you would feel if someone were talking to you only because they felt sorry for you. How condescending can you get.

relax metro..it's part of human nature to feel sorry about things..at the end of the day if what the op says it's true it shows that she's a nice and caring person..isn't that the type of friend people want?

Girlfriend Problem

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