shy and embarrsed

LegacyUser · 25-05-2006 9:07pm #1

OK I'm 19 college student living away from home but I'm still a virgin. I'm very shy around girls in clubs and I usually get embarrsed and don't know what to say. I not a model or anything but I've been told I'm cute and I'm jst looking for advice, I go out alot so it's not a that I'm a loner and stay in.

funk-you · 25-05-2006 11:06pm

talk to them without thinking about getting into their bags, its easier and less nervous. When you get a look just go over and talk. Law of adverages and all that.

-Funk

DOLEMAN · 25-05-2006 11:10pm

Can you talk to blokes easily? Women are human too...

Ask them about themselves and listen. Make jokes every now and then. Don't insult them. In their mind you'll be a "good conversationalist".

It's not too difficult once you realise they're human and have the same worries etc. as you. It's quite likely they are even more insecure than you.

6th · 25-05-2006 11:11pm

The pressure of having to get action when in college can be dreadful but like funk-you suggested go into it not think about getting your knob played with.

Woman are actually really nice to talk too!

DublinWriter · 25-05-2006 11:15pm

mr shyness wrote:

OK I'm 19 college student living away from home but I'm still a virgin. I'm very shy around girls in clubs and I usually get embarrsed and don't know what to say. I not a model or anything but I've been told I'm cute and I'm jst looking for advice, I go out alot so it's not a that I'm a loner and stay in.

It's all about confidence. Just talk to people without any agenda, women love guys who listen (that's an art in itself), and realise that you're not particularly special in your fears and that we're all basically in the same boat.

It usually helps to have a few funny 'stock' stories about things that happened to you in the past. This can be a bit dangerous though!

The biggest no-no is to overcompensate with drink. You'll think you're being hilarious and the life and soul at the time, but you'll come across as an overbearing slobbering drunk!

Best of luck Dude.

secret_squirrel · 25-05-2006 11:21pm

Clubs are a shíte place to pull for a lot of people. Dont worry about it.

You have more chance of getting a lasting relationship from a girl on your course or some randomer you might meet.

Sarky · 25-05-2006 11:21pm

Stop thinking of it in terms of getting rid of virginity. It really doesn't matter that much. It's not a life-changing experience in any sense, except perhaps for needing to get an extra doctor's appointment every now and again and having unpleasant things done with swabs.

Women are nothing special. They talk about the same things as anyone else. Don't look for anything special to say. Just talk, listen, share a joke, whatever the hell it is you do with the people you hang around with.

humanji · 26-05-2006 10:05am

The golden rule is that if you go out to score, you won't. If you go out to have fun and meet new people, you will. Girls aren't just there for sex. Just be friendly and relax.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2006 10:12am

wow people seem to have taken me up wrongly on this, what I meant to say was that I can comfotabley talk to people both male and female if I know them but I get very shy and embarrsed if I don't.

fuzzywiggle · 26-05-2006 10:15am

Why be embarrassed? There's no reason to be. Just relax, be yourself! Personally I find shy guys to be extremely cute! Just talk..we're only women! Talk about whatever interests you, start out with a bit of small talk and let it progress!

GrumPy · 26-05-2006 10:20am

fuzzywiggle wrote:

Personally I find shy guys to be extremely cute! J

Nothing wrong with a bit of dutch courage before you go out, but know when to stop! a few drinks might give ya a bit of confidence, but too many will make you look like a drunk eejit.

DOLEMAN · 26-05-2006 2:09pm

Hey it's fairly normal (or at least, not abnormal!) to be a little shy around people you don't know. It kind of makes sense. You don't know anything about strangers so you have to hold back a little...

But chronic shyness... I know when I was younger and shyer (?) I used polite conversation to deal with strangers. You know, just talking to them like you would to an uncle. With time I found it easier and it became natural. Now I don't even think about it.

I think the key point is to not get too stressed over this. It WILL go away. Just make a conscious effort to try to slowly change things.

PS Learning to believe in yourself will make a huge difference too.

hepcat · 26-05-2006 2:38pm

mr shyness wrote:

wow people seem to have taken me up wrongly on this, what I meant to say was that I can comfotabley talk to people both male and female if I know them but I get very shy and embarrsed if I don't.

1

From reading your first post, i wouldn't say people took you up wrong...

Anyway, there is no magic formula to help you become an expert at, or even comfortable with, talking to strangers. Lots of people are naturally shy when talking to a strange for the first time. You just need to brave it out - and you can do this if you can already comfortably talk to people you know.

Kazaanova · 26-05-2006 3:16pm

Kinda shy myself too, its no big problem. Something I've noticed though, if you're talking to somebody for the first time, or somebody who doesnt know you that well, and you say something like "I'm pretty shy" its a big help. I'm not sure why, I think it helps me mentally because I'm telling this person and not trying to hide it and treating it like a problem, which it isnt really. And its also telling the other person that you're shy, you know you are and cant really help it, so the other person doesnt view it as a problem either.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2006 3:19pm

hepcat wrote:

1

From reading your first post, i wouldn't say people took you up wrong...

Anyway, there is no magic formula to help you become an expert at, or even comfortable with, talking to strangers. Lots of people are naturally shy when talking to a strange for the first time. You just need to brave it out - and you can do this if you can already comfortably talk to people you know.

What I meant was I didn't explain it very well and people took me up wrong from my explanation.

manonthemoon · 26-05-2006 3:21pm

DOLEMAN wrote:

Women are human too...

What?:eek:

26-05-2006 7:10pm

jomanji wrote:

The golden rule is that if you go out to score, you won't. If you go out to have fun and meet new people, you will. Girls aren't just there for sex. Just be friendly and relax.

So thats why i never have sex when i go out! heh heh.

But seriously, I used to be damned shy too. I was barely able to talk to anybody. But then it just got to a point where I didnt care what people thought of me or of what I said.

arbeitsscheuer · 27-05-2006 3:07pm

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you OP, cept I'm 21. So a worse boat, if you will.

Anyway, don't worry bout the virginity thing - I don't really give that much of a toss about it anymore - the shyness is the bigger problem, for both of us. Obviously I can't really give you much advice on it, since I'm still suffering as a result of my own ineptitude, but I can tell ya that worry definitely doesn't help. Seriously, just concentrate on having a laugh and a bit of craic when ya go out, don't just focus on going out to meet girls - you'll find that somethin' will happen for you when you're least looking for it.

Good luck anyway mate, I hope you manage to overcome what I've singularly failed to - the cursed fear of embarrassment.

Sangre · 27-05-2006 7:29pm

Not much you can do except 'get over it' too put it bluntly. This isn't going to change with a long day of inner reflection and soul contemplating. You're just going to have to force yourself to talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to. If you're standing beside someone you don't know just introduce yourself. If you're in college you'll never run out of things to say; hows college, what course you in, where you from, how were exams, what are you doing this summer.
You don't have to be extroverted, just confident in yourself that you're a likeable person. Strangers will see the same qualities in you as your best friends, you just have to let them see it. If you think you're funny then try and make them laugh, once that happens then all the tension will probably disappear.
See, the problem is you appear akward and shy then this will put the other person off talking to you and you may even come across as rude/stuck up.
You're not rude are you? ARE YOU???

The_Minister · 27-05-2006 10:56pm

Don't force conversation or they'll get bored. Just the other night I was chatting with a girl and I noticed her change position slightly to "open up" our conversation to others. I then realised that I was being a dry ****e. Most likely you are too. Just chat naturally, and don't keep to the normal "boring" topics such as work/university - branch out into other areas as soon as possible, only use the normal, obvious topics as springboards to other topics.

humbert · 28-05-2006 2:14pm

Personally I'd say pubs clubs probably aren't ideal for you, you might be better trying to get to know a girl from the same social circle where there isn't as much pressure on the conversation. At the risk of coming across as shallow the best thing to do in pubs/clubs is treat it as a game and have some fun, if you approach a girl in that environment with a I'm sincere and want to get to know you attitude you're gonna come across as weird and boring and an easy target for a well practiced scowl! Oh and plenty of girls will tell you that this isn't the case and they are out looking for a "deep" sincere guy but it's absolute P.C. too much Dr phil rubbish.

Talliesin · 29-05-2006 10:54am

I'm not at all shy, but I haven't a clue what to say to girls in clubs either.

Maybe "HELLO! ISN'T THIS A GOOD SONG! GRANTED IT SOUNDS LIKE EVERY OTHER BLOODY SONG I'VE HEARD IN A CLUB IN THE PAST DECADE, BUT STILL, MUSTN'T GRUMBLE!"

I'd recommend you don't bother so much with the club scene.

Bogey · 29-05-2006 10:59am

You and she (nineteen y/o woman that's never had a guy feel her boobs) would seem to be matched perfectly.

cooker3 · 29-05-2006 11:33am

Like everyone else said, it just takes time and bit of courage.
I am rather shy but compared to how I was when I was 18, I am like a differant person now, I can talk to strangers, not so much in clubs but like when I am starting in a new job etc. Now I am still shy and still worry but that comes less and less as I go along and it gets easier.
But as for clubs, still useless and bearly even care anymore, not a good area to have conversation really!

Nevyn · 29-05-2006 4:36pm

Bogey, Banned for a month
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Húrin · 30-05-2006 12:29am

mr shyness wrote:

OK I'm 19 college student living away from home but I'm still a virgin. I'm very shy around girls in clubs and I usually get embarrsed and don't know what to say. I not a model or anything but I've been told I'm cute and I'm jst looking for advice, I go out alot so it's not a that I'm a loner and stay in.

Don't go to clubs. They're terrible for conversation. Most people only go there because their friends are going, or because they want a one-night stand. You won't find many intelligent girls there anyway.

Don't talk to girls with an agenda.

Don't think of them as potential girlfriends and it's much easier.

Also virginity doesn't matter much anyway. It means nothing either way. Never try and force anything.

This may seem to contradict what I said before but just keep in mind what some seem to forget. That girls have sex very much on the mind too, so don't have an "uphill battle" mindset. Again, don't force anything or rush things.

icemanjimbo04 · 30-05-2006 12:44am

I dont know if your more woried about being a virgin or being shy around girls..

Have a few beers and that should cure the shy part.. Until you remember what an ass you were the next morning.

If you just want a shag, just go for the minger in the corner! Never fails..
Once you can live with the shame afterwards.. Its worth it though.

Buddy74 · 30-05-2006 12:48am

I agree with Hurin Clubs are a know go area for the likes of us 'Shy' guys. I've given up and on the occasion I'm dragged in I find no one wants to talk anyhow just move around & around and around again.

My tips are to use your existing freinds to make new ones. If your asked to go anywhere from hill walking to giving someone a hand to say move there gear go for it always meet people in there 'natural' enviroment doing normal things. Join clubs even if you only have a pasting interest in them. Put a list of topics together and the odd joke save them to your phone so if stuck 'politely' access retrieve and carry on talking. Someone mentioned a good listener is better than a good talker and it's damn true!

Larianne · 30-05-2006 1:11am

Also watch your body language. I was very shy when I was younger and even in college people thought I was aloof and snobbish but it was that I was shy/quiet around big groups of people. Sitting/standing in an awkward way will be picked up by people and its not very inviting to make a conversation going. Would you try to make conversation with someone standing in the corner, head down, standing stiff and awkward or with someone who looks like they're enjoying themselves, head high and with a smile on their face. Think of if you're going for an interview, an employer will be more interested in the candidate who is animated and interested in the position/interviewer, not in someone who isn't sure of themselves etc.

Also, try not to think about what other people think of you. That was my biggest downfall when I was younger. Always wondering what other people thought of me. Yeah so I still do get embarrassed and go bright red a lot of the time but I find when I make a joke out of it "Ah, look at me, getting all embarrassed" it takes the pressure off and makes me more comfortable. I still get really uncomfortable in big groups of people but you just have to deal with it and chat away with people. There are just people after all.

Clubs aren't the best place for people to meet for relationships. Girls who go there go for either one night stands or to just go to dance and not be pestered by guys. Meeting friends in a pub can be a more relaxed atmosphere to meet and chat with girls. Not as hectic as clubs. Meeting people through friends is the best place to meet new people. Go with a few friends to a concert or the cinema with a few of their female friends as you'll have someting to talk about before "Looking forward to the gig? seen them before?"etc and then after "what you think?" blah blah. Like what you'd say to any guy.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. When you go out, just go out to have a good time and a laugh with your mates.:) The rest will follow...and normally happens when you're not looking for it too!

shy and embarrsed

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