Unsure about getting married - what should I do? How do you know?

DublinWriter · 20-05-2006 07:52PM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

You know what? I think you have a guardian angel.

Your problem has been solved for you, plus you get to keep the ring, plus he appears to others as being the baddie for calling it off.

Regarding 'the spark' you mentioned, don't confuse lust with love.

All the best for the future.

AngryAnderson · 20-05-2006 08:05PM

Wow. You're obviously not head over heels in love with this guy. Why settle for anything less?

tap28 · 20-05-2006 08:17PM

From what you are saying, he does not sound like a nice man. However, we are only hearing your side of the story and all of his bad points.

Got to say calling off the wedding is best result for you.

I am 5 months married and let me tell you, the costs of a "normal" wedding are huge. Presumably he did not put a gun to your head and force you to accept, probably ye picked the hotel, band and honeymoon etc together (in my experience, when my wife wanted my opinion, she usually gave it to me;) ) Why would you think you don't have a responsibility to pay half? IMOP you should pay half of the costs, if for nothing else to say he has no hold over you.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2006 12:09AM

don't do it "DontKnow1971" - if you don't feel "that" feeling before the wedding it'swrong. I'm married and it's bloody tough enough even when you love the person.
If he doesn't give you butterflies - then it's not time to get married.
I'm not saying he's not "the one" just not te one right now.

BTW - from what you say I don't think he'll ever be the one but time will tell.
Tell his family and everybody to leave you be - they aren't living your life.

Asiaprod · 21-05-2006 12:31AM

So happy to hear he dumped you, best thing that could have happened. Since he decided on this course of action, his parents can never accuse you of anything Nothing you said indicated you would have had a happy wedding or life together. You are lucky to escape.

On an aside, bearing in mind this guy's attitude (3 months rent) you may want to seriously consider getting rid of the ring. It has no meaning to you now and could only come back to haunt you later on. If I was not such a nice guy I would recommend seling it and giving him the 3 month rent, pocket the rest and go have a good time or take a vacation overseas:D

Hermione* · 21-05-2006 08:17PM

That's horrible, and probably a huge shock. But eventually you will come to realise that you're better off in the long term. All the signs indicated that he wasn't the right person for you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2006 10:32PM

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused. At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me, in the end of the day I had huge doubts, I needed time and space to think things through without the pressure of a wedding...argh, argh, argh...

Esel · 22-05-2006 01:07AM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

.. He is also trying but not trying... ...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me...

So you're thinking of getting back? Back to square one then. At the end of the day, it's your life. Hope it works out for you either way.

The Sweeper · 22-05-2006 11:08AM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused. At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me, in the end of the day I had huge doubts, I needed time and space to think things through without the pressure of a wedding...argh, argh, argh...

So you're madly in love with someone because he makes cute puppy dog eyes and cleans up your vomit?

Even though he's cheated on you, then literally fcuked you and dumped you?

Right. Picture this. You've married him. You've had kids. It's ten years time. Your daughter says the following to you:

"Mum, how did dad propose to you? Was it romantic? Were you stressed out coming up to the wedding? Was it the best day?"

Because at the moment, your answer looks something like this:

"Well, honey, your daddy and I split up because he started to have sex with other women and I found out. Then we got back together again because I was confused and didn't know what I want, but we didn't have any hugging, kissing or sex. We set a wedding date, my parents didn't really get involved, I was completely unsure of what I wanted to do, but I was pretty sure I didn't really want to get married. Then he had sex with me one night, and he dumped me afterwards. Then I got really drunk and he cleaned up my puke and it made me feel close to him. So I decided to go ahead with the wedding and we got married."

...I mean, are you kidding?

You need to take a week - better, two weeks - of holidays and get the hell away from him and everything else. If you marry him you'll just add to the rising tide of statistics on failed marriage in a couple of years.

DublinWriter · 22-05-2006 11:20AM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused.

I think your main problem here is that you are living with him at the moment.

From all you've said about your situation, I don't think I'd be alone in saying that it would be one big train wreck if you got married to him.

You really need to make a clean break and move out of his place. Stop kidding yourself.

Beruthiel · 22-05-2006 12:10PM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused.

Take it from someone who knows - while you are both living under the same roof, your head will be fuked up to such a degree that you cannot possibly think straight.
Your emotions are all over the place, one minute everything is ok, the next it's not, which is right, you don't know.
You need to get out, asap! stay at a friends, go away for a couple of weeks like majd said, do whatever it takes to move out. You will not see the woods for the trees until you do.

At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...

ya, cos he was nice to you for five mins and now you doubt your own mind on what to decide - see my comment above again as to the reason why.

If at this stage you cannot see how wrong this relationship is for you, there's nothing more any of us can say.
If this was happening to a friend of yours and they asked you for advice, would you tell them to stop being silly and get married?
or
would you tell them that they needed their head examined if they thought this was a good idea?

once again,
I believe deep down you know what to do, BUT you are just too scared to go it alone - from experience, I can tell you that you will be ten times happier alone than you ever will being married to someone like him.

LikeOhMyGawd! · 22-05-2006 02:20PM

There's a saying: "If in doubt - there's no doubt."

If you think for a second that you might not want to marry someone then that's it, you should not. If the people in the relationship are not very well adjusted then it's all a recipe for disaster.

Asiaprod · 22-05-2006 04:19PM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage
...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc
...He is also trying but not trying????
...At the moment I am very much in love with him...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me????
...blaming me to his parents and family

OP, are you reading what you have written? Does this sound like a marrige made in heaven. 5 mins of attention and you have gone to mush. Damn it, even at the expense of getting banned, you are out of your mind even considering getting married under these circumstances. For God's sake go and take a vacation away from him and reflect on what kind of a life you would have together. Its very easy to get married, but its a bi*ch trying to get out of an unhappy one. If you want to marry him, at least come up with a list of what needs to be changed before you agree to take that step.

< sorry to all for the outburst, but this is ridiculous >

LegacyUser · 22-05-2006 09:23PM

He is away for the night - am missing him terribly. We have not had sex since the affair a few years ago, my choice, we only really got back this year...I wanted us to have a really special honeymoon.

I did have an issue where I had slept with someone else during our split, probably not a big deal for most people, but for me it was huge, it never felt the right time to tell him. I have only slept with 2 people and him not knowing the truth was killing me...in the end I told him over the weekend...it caused a lot of inner anguish, now that it is out in the open I feel relieved. He never gave up on trying to get me back, and for a while I felt very smothered...I know that a lot of it was the affair and he was trying to make up for it but combined with planning the wedding which has it's own strains, esentially I forgot the most important thing which is that I love him - once he gave me enough space I remembered. This man is a very good kind man with all his faults.

Have booked relationship councelling for the 2 of us, I think that I need to know. I do think that it is worth saving. Am wearing the ring again.

I do really appreciate everyones comments, they have been of great help. Am sorry that I am so vague on some points, I do not want to identify us.

Asiaprod · 23-05-2006 12:05AM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Have booked relationship councelling for the 2 of us, I think that I need to know. I do think that it is worth saving.

Finally a glimmer of sanity. That would be an excellent first step. Good luck.

mad m · 23-05-2006 12:15AM

How old are you both?

bug · 23-05-2006 12:39AM

your really not seeing the wood for the trees are you?

Go to the relationship conuncillor.
I would strongly advise that no matter what you do, you do that, no matter what!

A mediator in these circumstances might make things much clearer.

for example. Why did he have the affair? - Assuming affair is a reccurent thing rather than a one nighter.

There are questions that you, and only you know the answer to.

Why is his family playing such a huge influence in his life?
Can you live with that, (because it will always be that way).

Why is he portraying you as the baddie? If you havent done anything generally wrong i.e. you went unfaithful until the relationship took a break?
Why is he so eager to pin you to marry now? Why would someone that loves you manipulate you?

I don't know what your doing. And no one can really tell you, with these things you have give yourself a good talking to. Thats why I would agree with the other posters that you need a bit of escape time for yourself.

You'll have to learn for yourself, no one can tell you. But please do the councilling.

Dave! · 23-05-2006 01:18AM

put your foot down and call it off. f*ck every one else, you shouldn't feel pressurised into doing this. it's your life, and it'll cause trouble later if you go through with it.

the_syco · 23-05-2006 02:19AM

Question: what does your family think of him, and how he's trying to get you to marry him?

LegacyUser · 23-05-2006 09:25PM

bug wrote:

your really not seeing the wood for the trees are you?

Go to the relationship conuncillor.
I would strongly advise that no matter what you do, you do that, no matter what!

A mediator in these circumstances might make things much clearer.

for example. Why did he have the affair? - Assuming affair is a reccurent thing rather than a one nighter.

There are questions that you, and only you know the answer to.

Why is his family playing such a huge influence in his life?
Can you live with that, (because it will always be that way).

Why is he portraying you as the baddie? If you havent done anything generally wrong i.e. you went unfaithful until the relationship took a break?
Why is he so eager to pin you to marry now? Why would someone that loves you manipulate you?

I don't know what your doing. And no one can really tell you, with these things you have give yourself a good talking to. Thats why I would agree with the other posters that you need a bit of escape time for yourself.

You'll have to learn for yourself, no one can tell you. But please do the councilling.

He went off with his adoption councellor...that is why I was very reluctant to go near any councellor! She seduced him at one of the toughest stages in his life and made him do things out of character. I do not think that there is much chance of him cheating again. His family control him with money, from the way that I see it, though he may disagree. Obviously, by him being adopted he would have more family issues than most. He is a really nice guy.

I do not consider what I did was cheating - we had fully broken up, not in a break kind of way but I believe in honesty in a relationship. I am not a saint, I can be a moody cow at times and I can be lazy about housework.

I have taken the rest of the week off work - if nothing else I have been very ill over the past 2 weeks and I need to recouperate properly, have arranged to meet up with some friends, though will probably stay in Ireland, my best friend is over for the not wedding shortly in any case.

We are both in our 30's - the relationship has been on and off for almost a decade. In terms of how my family feel about him? Well, they do think that he is a nice guy, which as I have said before, he is but they will support me whatever what I decide.

I had phone sex with him last night - I do love him but the big day is not for me, we were pushed into it by a lot of people, I just want to marry the man I love in peace and quiet...

I know that I could meet someone if I wanted to, I met a wonderful guy only a short while after the split from him and I did nearly marry him so for me this relationship with him is new even though we have lots of history...certainly, I am not the same person that I was a few years ago. Sure, I am taking some time off work, but that was because of the recent illness. So, I could move on, but I do not want to, because, as quirky as he is there are a lot of wonderful things about him that I have never found in anyone else...we make a couple.

DublinWriter · 24-05-2006 10:57AM

DontKnow1971 wrote:

He went off with his adoption councellor...that is why I was very reluctant to go near any councellor! She seduced him at one of the toughest stages in his life and made him do things out of character.

Shame we have no professional bodies regulating councellors in this country, if so, she'd be struck off for doing that.

DontKnow1971 wrote:

I do not think that there is much chance of him cheating again.

You should know, not think. Alarm bells.

DontKnow1971 wrote:

His family control him with money, from the way that I see it, though he may disagree.

...and he's in his 30's? Alarm bells.

DontKnow1971 wrote:

We are both in our 30's - the relationship has been on and off for almost a decade.

Alarm-feckin'-bells!

It sounds to be a bit like you're falling into that classic trap of thinking that you're pushing on a bit, and if you don't do it now, you may not get another chance.

DontKnow1971 wrote:

I had phone sex with him last night - I do love him but the big day is not for me, we were pushed into it by a lot of people, I just want to marry the man I love in peace and quiet...

Typical Irish Holywood style wedding production! Don't be pushed into it if it's not what you want.

Do you love him or are in love with him?

When you started this thread you were pretty much despondant about the whole thing stating that you hadn't slept together.

Since then you said that things have picked up. If this is all down to sex, then you really have a big problem in the long term.

DontKnow1971 wrote:

So, I could move on, but I do not want to, because, as quirky as he is there are a lot of wonderful things about him that I have never found in anyone else...we make a couple.

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into it for the sake of it.

Many people think that once the ring is on the finger that it's a major hurdle that you've crossed and all will be plain sailing from then on.

Very wrong. If anything it just amplifies any problems that were there before and at the end of the day you'll still be the same two people.

LegacyUser · 24-05-2006 08:38PM

We went to the councellor, she pretty much said that we should go for grievance councelling as the relationship was over...nice, not. She also made comments about that if we did go for councelling we would need more than most. Me, being bull in china shop storms off in a huff...problem is that I love the fecker...so, the original date is deffinitly off in any case to say the least. It would be very easy to leave now. I did manage to get my head around the difference between sex and love so would be more happy to restart a physical relationship with him again.

The thing is, should I give this relationship one last go or should I just cut my losses, and if I give it one more chance how long should I give it? With all the councelling in the world we are hardly going to change our ways much and we need to change. I quoted the end of "When Harry Met Sally" to him this morning in a mail...can we really have our happy ending?

Hermione* · 24-05-2006 08:59PM

OP, it really doesn't sound like an ideal relationship to me, but then again, we all have different estimations of what a relationship should be.

However, from your earlier posts, it really does not seem that this man appreciates you fully, or that your relationship has the requirements to last. It's possible to be in love with somebody you shouldn't be with, or who isn't good for you. It's extremely difficult to leave such a relationship, but it's more difficult to be in it imo. I hope you have the strength to at least postpone the wedding if nothing else, but I would hope that you can find sufficient strength to leave him. It's the only way for you to find somebody who truly deserves you.

Good luck.

Nevyn · 24-05-2006 09:29PM

Unsure1971 wrote:

We went to the councellor, she pretty much said that we should go for grievance councelling as the relationship was over...nice, not. She also made comments about that if we did go for councelling we would need more than most. Me, being bull in china shop storms off in a huff...problem is that I love the fecker...so, the original date is deffinitly off in any case to say the least. It would be very easy to leave now. I did manage to get my head around the difference between sex and love so would be more happy to restart a physical relationship with him again.

The thing is, should I give this relationship one last go or should I just cut my losses, and if I give it one more chance how long should I give it? With all the councelling in the world we are hardly going to change our ways much and we need to change. I quoted the end of "When Harry Met Sally" to him this morning in a mail...can we really have our happy ending?

Try another councellor.

LegacyUser · 24-05-2006 11:21PM

Thaedydal wrote:

Try another councellor.

Yes, I rang them up and told them not to let me any where near this woman again...we are sticking with the same place though as we did their pre-marriage course and while it was vaguely catholic in its orientation it was not anti pre marriage sex or contraception (and that was the priest).

We have been through a lot together (illness, work stress etc) and have stuck things through, it has only been now that we are concentrating on us, I am starting to really love little quirky things about him...I fancied him the moment I saw him, a year before we met properly and it is only now that I can remember that buzz...if we can get through this I will have the most wonderful husband.

He is no saint, he did cheat on me at the begining of the relationship as well but nobody is perfect...I was a moody cow when we first met and I did go on about THAT ex for years afterwards.

bug · 24-05-2006 11:25PM

I suppose second opinions are always good.
Looking in on a relationship is a different perspective than being in one.

However if you were a friend or a sister, my thoughts would be that almost everyone breaks up with someone they love- If they didnt it wouldnt be so hard.

Esel · 25-05-2006 09:27AM

I think this thread has just about run its course.

TheBoyConor · 18-06-2018 06:36PM

OP, you're all over the place.
Definitely heed the advice here. This "relationship" has none of the things that a marriage needs.
Please don't marry that guy.

tony1kenobi · 18-06-2018 06:41PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

OP, you're all over the place.
Definitely heed the advice here. This "relationship" has none of the things that a marriage needs.
Please don't marry that guy.

It’s been 12 years Conor. I expect it’s all over by now.

Dr Turk Turkelton · 18-06-2018 06:46PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

OP, you're all over the place.
Definitely heed the advice here. This "relationship" has none of the things that a marriage needs.
Please don't marry that guy.

Good boy Conor, awful pity you weren't here 12 freaking years ago for the op who must be tipping 50 at this stage.
How the fcuk did you even manage to find this thread?

Unsure about getting married - what should I do? How do you know?

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