Unsure about getting married - what should I do? How do you know?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am due to get married very shortly but I am still having massive doubts. The guy in question is for the most part very kind, though he did have an affair a few years ago, we broke up, both dated other people and I only recently took him back. The thing is, I am not certain that he is the right person for me. I do not get any chemistry from him, am still finding it very hard to trust him even though I do not think that he would cheat again, his family are very overpowering, he can be very manipulative and tries to make feel small...the big issue though is an ex of mine who was my first love who I still think about every day, he is still a friend but when I said about the wedding he moved up his, he is the only guy that I was ever certain about and several people who know both of us think that we should be back together...am very confused.

LegacyUser

From reading your post, it seems very clear to me that you are making a mistake marrying this man when you seem to have so many problems with him not to mention your feelings for this other man you used to see.
I think you and this man you are planning on marrying need to sit down and have a very serious discussion before its too late.

6th

Only resently back together and your getting married. Give yourselves some time and dont base the marraige on what was there before the split. I'm not saying dont marry him - just dont rush it. Is putting it back possible?

Why on earth are you marrying him then?!

Take a step back and a very clear reappraisal of the situation...

simu

Sounds like you certainly need to postpone and think about things, at least.

LegacyUser

He is putting a lot of pressure on me to marry him - in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half. I feel guilty as he knows that I still very much love my ex.

Ickle Magoo

Hello you....

I knew my husband was the man for me because I fell head over heels in love with him the minute I saw him, because we never spent a night apart - other than when I was in hospital having our children - from the day we met, because I dreamt about us marrying and when he asked me I was absolutely over the moon - no reservations what-so-ever.....not that I didn't wonder about how life would change - forever is a long time after all....but never did I wonder if I was doing the right thing, I knew I was & I couldn't wait to be his wife.....

If you don't get the butterflies in the tummy, the rush of warmth whenever you see him, the calling each other several times a day, the mutual physical affection, the small sweet gestures, the mutual trust, honesty & respect, the wonderful communication - then I don't think you are in love....if you can't say you trust him 100% and you can't say that there is no secrets, no jealousy, no lies & no tension between you, then I would say call off the wedding until you have resolved all issues....

I might be accused of just being a smug married here - but I was enormously happy to get engaged & two kids later, I am still disgustingly happy.....I trust my husband 110%, he is my best friend & I his - if you don't look at your fella & consider yourself the luckiest woman alive then I don't think he's the right man for you.....you deserve to find someone you are completely & utterly happy with....all the best

gypsygirl

Wheres the confusion? Its clear your'e not ready to marry this guy now if ever, you say theres no chemistry, why would you want to promise to be with a person for the rest of your life if theres no chemistry? you say "his family are very overpowering, he can be very manipulative and tries to make you feel small.." how can you think this might work? I'd advise you to pospone/cancel the wedding, regardless of how this affects him or his family, you have to be completely sure before you make a commmitment as big as marraige, if he really cares about you he'll wait untill you're sure. And as for all that b****x about unpaid rent and the threat/manipulation it implies, I would not be posponing, I'd be walking away and not looking back.

jimmycrackcorm

I wish paddy power would put on a bet on the odds of anyone here thinking you should get married to this guy.....

gypsygirl

A sure winner;home at 1000 to 1

Esel

As my Granny used to say: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure". Never a truer word...

Read your own post. Now pretend it has been written by someone else. What advice would you give them?

Ultimatums? Do not be cowed by them.
Rent/cost demands? Get a bank loan (or some other loan!) and pay them (if you agree they are reasonable). Consider that you are getting off cheaply.

Just because we have divorce, don't go ahead thinking "Ah well, if it doesn't work out....".

You seem to still have very strong feelings for your ex. Does he feel the same way? Can you talk to him about the whole situation without starting World War 3?

A shlt-storm for a year or two (if you cancel the wedding, whether or not things develop with your ex) is preferable to a shlt-storm for the forseeable future. My 2 cents worth anyway.

Beruthiel

DontKnow1971 wrote:

I am not certain that he is the right person for me.

if you are not 200% certain, then he isn't the man for you

I do not get any chemistry from him

do you need a 50 foot flashing neon light?! if there's no chemistry then he isn't the man for you.

am still finding it very hard to trust him

if there is no trust, then he isn't the man for you.
Seeing a pattern yet?

in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half.

why are you still with this man?!?!

If I were you, I wouldn't care how close the wedding is, I'd call the whole thing off.
You may be scared about this affecting everyone else, BUT this is your one and only life, you are not going to get to live again, you still have a chance to be happy with someone you actually care deeply about.
From what you say above you are going to marry this man for all the wrong reasons.
I don't think you are confused at all, you are just very scared about completely changing your life and upsetting a few people in the process. You'll get over it, so will they. A few months of misery now is better than years and years of it later. Marriage does not make things better, it puts a microscope on everything that's wrong with a relationship, it will blow up in your face. I never understand anyone who would get married to a person who didn't completely turn their heart and head.

Ickle Magoo

DontKnow1971 wrote:

He is putting a lot of pressure on me to marry him - in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half. I feel guilty as he knows that I still very much love my ex.

:eek: Call it off!!!! No-one should be pressurised into marriage - it's supposed to be by mutual consent...not via blackmail or threats....

Your wedding day should be the happiest day of your life, if you are in any way not sure, feeling pressurised, in love with another man - then just don't do it or you will live to regret it....:(

dbnavan

it only take a few minutes to get married, it takes months even years of tears and heartache to undo it.

Unless u have no doubts whatsoever dont do it.

Ag marbh

If in doubt get out.

edanto

You don't owe this guy anything and it would be pretty sad to marry just because he pressured you.

You need to start talking with him about these problems; at least about your problems trusting him. Him being so manipulative is terrible too, and it's a bad sign that he couldn't accept what you said about not being ready at face value.

There are some things you need to take responsibility for as well - if you do decide to delay/cancel the wedding (and you can, it's your decison) I think it would be fair to split whatever costs that might involve. But more importantly you need to asses the way you feel about him, compared with the guy you say you love.

What are you confused about?

What scares you more, being married forever to someone you don't really love or having to admit you don't really love him by calling it off?

DublinWriter

If you have to ask such fundamental questions, and state things like "there's no chemistry between us" then the answer is as plain as the nose on your face.

The trouble with marriages, especially Irish ones, is that they take on juggernaut proportions once the planning starts. You probably feel like you couldn't bail out now if you tried.

But the problems you'd have bailing out now are *tiny* compared to the problems you'd have once married and decided on seperation/divorce.

mz

God love you. It is so easy for us all to give you advice and tell you not to marry him but if you look into your heart of hearts you know the answer...you really should not marry this man. Walk away - it's so hard (believe me I know all about it) but you will meet someone who is worthy of your love - maybe your ex maybe not. Whatever happens you deserve to be happy and you only get one shot at life.

If he tries anything like trying to charge you rent tell him where to go and his poxy family too.

:mad:

Tazz T

DublinWriter wrote:

But the problems you'd have bailing out now are *tiny* compared to the problems you'd have once married and decided on seperation/divorce.

That says it all.

At least postpone. Do not accept any 'persuasion/coercion' from him to the otherwise. If he does so, cancel!

I know people who were in the same situation and went through with it and still have to live with the fallout years later.

Marry now at your peril.

Hermione*

Beruthiel's advice said it all really.

This man will want to control you imo. That's how I read it . If there's no chemistry, what's the point of any relationship with him, let alone marriage?

If you're haveing doubts, it's not right thing for you. Neither of my sisters had doubts before their weddings iirc, both were just so excited about the event.

And imo, if he's cheated before, it makes it so much more difficult to trust him. There's really very little point to any relationship without trust.

You'll only find somebody who deserves you if you're free to meet that person.

Good luck.

misswex

I'm with everyone here, its plainly obviousl that this isn't what you should be doing. Regardless of the ex, you need to get out of such an manipulative relationship. I know it will be hard for you to stand up to everybody but this is YOUR life here, do you really want to be forced into marrying someone that you don't even have chemistry with never mind love.

I wish you the best of luck, hope you have the courage to stand up for youself and to leave before it is too late.

LegacyUser

One of the problems has been that my parents are not really available to talk to and my mum has not been able to participate in anything, if something puts a damper on even considering getting married then not having your mum looking at dresses with you, chatting about the wedding etc and getting into floods of tears over the whole thing...you get the picture.

We have been talking and I think that he knows that it may be the end - we have a strong friendship based relationship, though I think that I have been very closed off since the affair and since other family events...put it this way, I would be passionate but it would take a lot to get me heated up now. There has not been any sex or evening kissing in a long time and that is not normal.

I guess that I am scared that if I leave him I will never get him back, part of me loves him very much. OK, maybe I am trying to defend him, but seeing his puppy dog eyes this evening. I think that the ex's are in the past, I did speak with them but it is opening up the past too much, if they were interested they would call.

Zebra3

DontKnow1971 wrote:

......and I only recently took him back.

That sounds like someone in a kiddie relationship talking, not someone who's getting married. No offence.

For someone getting married that should read along the lines of 'We clicked again and all those old feelings came rushing back'.

tinkerbell

DontKnow1971 wrote:

There has not been any sex or evening kissing in a long time and that is not normal.

You'd be a fool to marry him. He's treating you like crap and you are considering getting married to him?

And secondly, if you are not even KISSING the guy, then what does that say?! You should be at least kissing each other all the time. You ain't doing that, how can you even imagine spending the rest of your life with him? And if you are constantly thinking about your ex, well that says it all.

LegacyUser

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

Zebra3

Look at it this way...you've saved yourself a lot of hassle further down the line.

In time you can get back out on to the scene and as a single girl and not have to explain to people why your marraige collapsed.

Good luck!

Ruu_Old

Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. Hope things pick up for you and that you end up happier soon. Best of luck now.

dingding

OP best of luck in the future, even though you don't see it now you will look back later and know it was for the best.

Oryx

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

Just goes to show your feelings of doubt were based on something. Dont worry about wasted years, it would have been a far worse waste to marry this guy and be stuck with someone your not sure of and who seems not to love you. Hold your head up high, dont dwell on regrets. You already knew this was wrong, if your original post is anything to go by.

impr0v

OP, this is a very hard time for you, but it is without doubt the best possible outcome. You have avoided a marriage that would have been an unmitigated disaster and you don't have to shoulder the responsibility of calling it off.

The latter is only small consolation, but the pain you're feeling now is at least concentrated, rather than spread across the duration of an unhappy and destructive marriage with all the associated trappings that go along with it, and then having to face this pain anyway when it ended, and the realisation of having wasted the intervening years of your life.

Also if kids were involved, this would be a mistake you could never walk away from.

Though it hurts, concentrate on the fact that you've been cut free and spared a lot more hurt.

dudara

Phew, I'm delighted to hear that you're rid of him. Now you can go find someone who will treat you well, and with whom you can have a great physical relationship. Good luck hunting.

Don't let this idiot come worming his way back in.

DublinWriter

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

You know what? I think you have a guardian angel.

Your problem has been solved for you, plus you get to keep the ring, plus he appears to others as being the baddie for calling it off.

Regarding 'the spark' you mentioned, don't confuse lust with love.

All the best for the future.

AngryAnderson

Wow. You're obviously not head over heels in love with this guy. Why settle for anything less?

tap28

From what you are saying, he does not sound like a nice man. However, we are only hearing your side of the story and all of his bad points.

Got to say calling off the wedding is best result for you.

I am 5 months married and let me tell you, the costs of a "normal" wedding are huge. Presumably he did not put a gun to your head and force you to accept, probably ye picked the hotel, band and honeymoon etc together (in my experience, when my wife wanted my opinion, she usually gave it to me;) ) Why would you think you don't have a responsibility to pay half? IMOP you should pay half of the costs, if for nothing else to say he has no hold over you.

LegacyUser

don't do it "DontKnow1971" - if you don't feel "that" feeling before the wedding it'swrong. I'm married and it's bloody tough enough even when you love the person.
If he doesn't give you butterflies - then it's not time to get married.
I'm not saying he's not "the one" just not te one right now.

BTW - from what you say I don't think he'll ever be the one but time will tell.
Tell his family and everybody to leave you be - they aren't living your life.

Asiaprod

So happy to hear he dumped you, best thing that could have happened. Since he decided on this course of action, his parents can never accuse you of anything Nothing you said indicated you would have had a happy wedding or life together. You are lucky to escape.

On an aside, bearing in mind this guy's attitude (3 months rent) you may want to seriously consider getting rid of the ring. It has no meaning to you now and could only come back to haunt you later on. If I was not such a nice guy I would recommend seling it and giving him the 3 month rent, pocket the rest and go have a good time or take a vacation overseas:D

Hermione*

That's horrible, and probably a huge shock. But eventually you will come to realise that you're better off in the long term. All the signs indicated that he wasn't the right person for you.

I hope you feel better soon.


Good luck.

LegacyUser

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused. At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me, in the end of the day I had huge doubts, I needed time and space to think things through without the pressure of a wedding...argh, argh, argh...

Esel

DontKnow1971 wrote:

.. He is also trying but not trying... ...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me...

So you're thinking of getting back? Back to square one then. At the end of the day, it's your life. Hope it works out for you either way.

The Sweeper

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused. At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me and is still blaming me to his parents and family which is really annoying me, in the end of the day I had huge doubts, I needed time and space to think things through without the pressure of a wedding...argh, argh, argh...

So you're madly in love with someone because he makes cute puppy dog eyes and cleans up your vomit?

Even though he's cheated on you, then literally fcuked you and dumped you?

Right. Picture this. You've married him. You've had kids. It's ten years time. Your daughter says the following to you:

"Mum, how did dad propose to you? Was it romantic? Were you stressed out coming up to the wedding? Was it the best day?"

Because at the moment, your answer looks something like this:

"Well, honey, your daddy and I split up because he started to have sex with other women and I found out. Then we got back together again because I was confused and didn't know what I want, but we didn't have any hugging, kissing or sex. We set a wedding date, my parents didn't really get involved, I was completely unsure of what I wanted to do, but I was pretty sure I didn't really want to get married. Then he had sex with me one night, and he dumped me afterwards. Then I got really drunk and he cleaned up my puke and it made me feel close to him. So I decided to go ahead with the wedding and we got married."

...I mean, are you kidding?

You need to take a week - better, two weeks - of holidays and get the hell away from him and everything else. If you marry him you'll just add to the rising tide of statistics on failed marriage in a couple of years.

DublinWriter

DontKnow1971 wrote:

He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused.

I think your main problem here is that you are living with him at the moment.

From all you've said about your situation, I don't think I'd be alone in saying that it would be one big train wreck if you got married to him.

You really need to make a clean break and move out of his place. Stop kidding yourself.

Beruthiel

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage - it has been a very tough weekend. I ended up getting drunk last night, yes, I know, a stupid thing to do, but there are certain rare ocassions where it is almost justified and this weekend has been one of them...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc. He is also trying but not trying. We are holding hands, hugging a lot...the very things that we were not doing when we were in a relationship and the very things that I need...we have even been talking and spending time with one another...very confused.

Take it from someone who knows - while you are both living under the same roof, your head will be fuked up to such a degree that you cannot possibly think straight.
Your emotions are all over the place, one minute everything is ok, the next it's not, which is right, you don't know.
You need to get out, asap! stay at a friends, go away for a couple of weeks like majd said, do whatever it takes to move out. You will not see the woods for the trees until you do.

At the moment I am very much in love with him, something that I have not felt for a long time...

ya, cos he was nice to you for five mins and now you doubt your own mind on what to decide - see my comment above again as to the reason why.

If at this stage you cannot see how wrong this relationship is for you, there's nothing more any of us can say.
If this was happening to a friend of yours and they asked you for advice, would you tell them to stop being silly and get married?
or
would you tell them that they needed their head examined if they thought this was a good idea?

once again,
I believe deep down you know what to do, BUT you are just too scared to go it alone - from experience, I can tell you that you will be ten times happier alone than you ever will being married to someone like him.

LikeOhMyGawd!

There's a saying: "If in doubt - there's no doubt."

If you think for a second that you might not want to marry someone then that's it, you should not. If the people in the relationship are not very well adjusted then it's all a recipe for disaster.

Asiaprod

DontKnow1971 wrote:

My head is done in at this stage
...I end up getting very sick and he cleans up the sick etc
...He is also trying but not trying????
...At the moment I am very much in love with him...he is putting a lot of terms and conditions on getting back which is irritating me????
...blaming me to his parents and family

OP, are you reading what you have written? Does this sound like a marrige made in heaven. 5 mins of attention and you have gone to mush. Damn it, even at the expense of getting banned, you are out of your mind even considering getting married under these circumstances. For God's sake go and take a vacation away from him and reflect on what kind of a life you would have together. Its very easy to get married, but its a bi*ch trying to get out of an unhappy one. If you want to marry him, at least come up with a list of what needs to be changed before you agree to take that step.

< sorry to all for the outburst, but this is ridiculous >

LegacyUser

He is away for the night - am missing him terribly. We have not had sex since the affair a few years ago, my choice, we only really got back this year...I wanted us to have a really special honeymoon.

I did have an issue where I had slept with someone else during our split, probably not a big deal for most people, but for me it was huge, it never felt the right time to tell him. I have only slept with 2 people and him not knowing the truth was killing me...in the end I told him over the weekend...it caused a lot of inner anguish, now that it is out in the open I feel relieved. He never gave up on trying to get me back, and for a while I felt very smothered...I know that a lot of it was the affair and he was trying to make up for it but combined with planning the wedding which has it's own strains, esentially I forgot the most important thing which is that I love him - once he gave me enough space I remembered. This man is a very good kind man with all his faults.

Have booked relationship councelling for the 2 of us, I think that I need to know. I do think that it is worth saving. Am wearing the ring again.

I do really appreciate everyones comments, they have been of great help. Am sorry that I am so vague on some points, I do not want to identify us.

Asiaprod

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Have booked relationship councelling for the 2 of us, I think that I need to know. I do think that it is worth saving.

Finally a glimmer of sanity. That would be an excellent first step. Good luck.

mad m

How old are you both?

bug

your really not seeing the wood for the trees are you?

Go to the relationship conuncillor.
I would strongly advise that no matter what you do, you do that, no matter what!

A mediator in these circumstances might make things much clearer.

for example. Why did he have the affair? - Assuming affair is a reccurent thing rather than a one nighter.

There are questions that you, and only you know the answer to.

Why is his family playing such a huge influence in his life?
Can you live with that, (because it will always be that way).

Why is he portraying you as the baddie? If you havent done anything generally wrong i.e. you went unfaithful until the relationship took a break?
Why is he so eager to pin you to marry now? Why would someone that loves you manipulate you?

I don't know what your doing. And no one can really tell you, with these things you have give yourself a good talking to. Thats why I would agree with the other posters that you need a bit of escape time for yourself.

You'll have to learn for yourself, no one can tell you. But please do the councilling.

Dave!

put your foot down and call it off. f*ck every one else, you shouldn't feel pressurised into doing this. it's your life, and it'll cause trouble later if you go through with it.

the_syco

Question: what does your family think of him, and how he's trying to get you to marry him?

LegacyUser

bug wrote:

your really not seeing the wood for the trees are you?

Go to the relationship conuncillor.
I would strongly advise that no matter what you do, you do that, no matter what!

A mediator in these circumstances might make things much clearer.

for example. Why did he have the affair? - Assuming affair is a reccurent thing rather than a one nighter.

There are questions that you, and only you know the answer to.

Why is his family playing such a huge influence in his life?
Can you live with that, (because it will always be that way).

Why is he portraying you as the baddie? If you havent done anything generally wrong i.e. you went unfaithful until the relationship took a break?
Why is he so eager to pin you to marry now? Why would someone that loves you manipulate you?

I don't know what your doing. And no one can really tell you, with these things you have give yourself a good talking to. Thats why I would agree with the other posters that you need a bit of escape time for yourself.

You'll have to learn for yourself, no one can tell you. But please do the councilling.

He went off with his adoption councellor...that is why I was very reluctant to go near any councellor! She seduced him at one of the toughest stages in his life and made him do things out of character. I do not think that there is much chance of him cheating again. His family control him with money, from the way that I see it, though he may disagree. Obviously, by him being adopted he would have more family issues than most. He is a really nice guy.

I do not consider what I did was cheating - we had fully broken up, not in a break kind of way but I believe in honesty in a relationship. I am not a saint, I can be a moody cow at times and I can be lazy about housework.

I have taken the rest of the week off work - if nothing else I have been very ill over the past 2 weeks and I need to recouperate properly, have arranged to meet up with some friends, though will probably stay in Ireland, my best friend is over for the not wedding shortly in any case.

We are both in our 30's - the relationship has been on and off for almost a decade. In terms of how my family feel about him? Well, they do think that he is a nice guy, which as I have said before, he is but they will support me whatever what I decide.

I had phone sex with him last night - I do love him but the big day is not for me, we were pushed into it by a lot of people, I just want to marry the man I love in peace and quiet...

I know that I could meet someone if I wanted to, I met a wonderful guy only a short while after the split from him and I did nearly marry him so for me this relationship with him is new even though we have lots of history...certainly, I am not the same person that I was a few years ago. Sure, I am taking some time off work, but that was because of the recent illness. So, I could move on, but I do not want to, because, as quirky as he is there are a lot of wonderful things about him that I have never found in anyone else...we make a couple.