Unsure about getting married - what should I do? How do you know?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am due to get married very shortly but I am still having massive doubts. The guy in question is for the most part very kind, though he did have an affair a few years ago, we broke up, both dated other people and I only recently took him back. The thing is, I am not certain that he is the right person for me. I do not get any chemistry from him, am still finding it very hard to trust him even though I do not think that he would cheat again, his family are very overpowering, he can be very manipulative and tries to make feel small...the big issue though is an ex of mine who was my first love who I still think about every day, he is still a friend but when I said about the wedding he moved up his, he is the only guy that I was ever certain about and several people who know both of us think that we should be back together...am very confused.

LegacyUser

From reading your post, it seems very clear to me that you are making a mistake marrying this man when you seem to have so many problems with him not to mention your feelings for this other man you used to see.
I think you and this man you are planning on marrying need to sit down and have a very serious discussion before its too late.

6th

Only resently back together and your getting married. Give yourselves some time and dont base the marraige on what was there before the split. I'm not saying dont marry him - just dont rush it. Is putting it back possible?

Why on earth are you marrying him then?!

Take a step back and a very clear reappraisal of the situation...

simu

Sounds like you certainly need to postpone and think about things, at least.

LegacyUser

He is putting a lot of pressure on me to marry him - in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half. I feel guilty as he knows that I still very much love my ex.

Ickle Magoo

Hello you....

I knew my husband was the man for me because I fell head over heels in love with him the minute I saw him, because we never spent a night apart - other than when I was in hospital having our children - from the day we met, because I dreamt about us marrying and when he asked me I was absolutely over the moon - no reservations what-so-ever.....not that I didn't wonder about how life would change - forever is a long time after all....but never did I wonder if I was doing the right thing, I knew I was & I couldn't wait to be his wife.....

If you don't get the butterflies in the tummy, the rush of warmth whenever you see him, the calling each other several times a day, the mutual physical affection, the small sweet gestures, the mutual trust, honesty & respect, the wonderful communication - then I don't think you are in love....if you can't say you trust him 100% and you can't say that there is no secrets, no jealousy, no lies & no tension between you, then I would say call off the wedding until you have resolved all issues....

I might be accused of just being a smug married here - but I was enormously happy to get engaged & two kids later, I am still disgustingly happy.....I trust my husband 110%, he is my best friend & I his - if you don't look at your fella & consider yourself the luckiest woman alive then I don't think he's the right man for you.....you deserve to find someone you are completely & utterly happy with....all the best

gypsygirl

Wheres the confusion? Its clear your'e not ready to marry this guy now if ever, you say theres no chemistry, why would you want to promise to be with a person for the rest of your life if theres no chemistry? you say "his family are very overpowering, he can be very manipulative and tries to make you feel small.." how can you think this might work? I'd advise you to pospone/cancel the wedding, regardless of how this affects him or his family, you have to be completely sure before you make a commmitment as big as marraige, if he really cares about you he'll wait untill you're sure. And as for all that b****x about unpaid rent and the threat/manipulation it implies, I would not be posponing, I'd be walking away and not looking back.

jimmycrackcorm

I wish paddy power would put on a bet on the odds of anyone here thinking you should get married to this guy.....

gypsygirl

A sure winner;home at 1000 to 1

Esel

As my Granny used to say: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure". Never a truer word...

Read your own post. Now pretend it has been written by someone else. What advice would you give them?

Ultimatums? Do not be cowed by them.
Rent/cost demands? Get a bank loan (or some other loan!) and pay them (if you agree they are reasonable). Consider that you are getting off cheaply.

Just because we have divorce, don't go ahead thinking "Ah well, if it doesn't work out....".

You seem to still have very strong feelings for your ex. Does he feel the same way? Can you talk to him about the whole situation without starting World War 3?

A shlt-storm for a year or two (if you cancel the wedding, whether or not things develop with your ex) is preferable to a shlt-storm for the forseeable future. My 2 cents worth anyway.

Beruthiel

DontKnow1971 wrote:

I am not certain that he is the right person for me.

if you are not 200% certain, then he isn't the man for you

I do not get any chemistry from him

do you need a 50 foot flashing neon light?! if there's no chemistry then he isn't the man for you.

am still finding it very hard to trust him

if there is no trust, then he isn't the man for you.
Seeing a pattern yet?

in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half.

why are you still with this man?!?!

If I were you, I wouldn't care how close the wedding is, I'd call the whole thing off.
You may be scared about this affecting everyone else, BUT this is your one and only life, you are not going to get to live again, you still have a chance to be happy with someone you actually care deeply about.
From what you say above you are going to marry this man for all the wrong reasons.
I don't think you are confused at all, you are just very scared about completely changing your life and upsetting a few people in the process. You'll get over it, so will they. A few months of misery now is better than years and years of it later. Marriage does not make things better, it puts a microscope on everything that's wrong with a relationship, it will blow up in your face. I never understand anyone who would get married to a person who didn't completely turn their heart and head.

Ickle Magoo

DontKnow1971 wrote:

He is putting a lot of pressure on me to marry him - in the past when I tried to tell him that I was not ready he did everything from threatening me with a bill for 3 months "rent" that I had not paid over the space of 5 years to throwing me out within an hour to saying that he had sunk costs and that I would have to pay half. I feel guilty as he knows that I still very much love my ex.

:eek: Call it off!!!! No-one should be pressurised into marriage - it's supposed to be by mutual consent...not via blackmail or threats....

Your wedding day should be the happiest day of your life, if you are in any way not sure, feeling pressurised, in love with another man - then just don't do it or you will live to regret it....:(

dbnavan

it only take a few minutes to get married, it takes months even years of tears and heartache to undo it.

Unless u have no doubts whatsoever dont do it.

Ag marbh

If in doubt get out.

edanto

You don't owe this guy anything and it would be pretty sad to marry just because he pressured you.

You need to start talking with him about these problems; at least about your problems trusting him. Him being so manipulative is terrible too, and it's a bad sign that he couldn't accept what you said about not being ready at face value.

There are some things you need to take responsibility for as well - if you do decide to delay/cancel the wedding (and you can, it's your decison) I think it would be fair to split whatever costs that might involve. But more importantly you need to asses the way you feel about him, compared with the guy you say you love.

What are you confused about?

What scares you more, being married forever to someone you don't really love or having to admit you don't really love him by calling it off?

DublinWriter

If you have to ask such fundamental questions, and state things like "there's no chemistry between us" then the answer is as plain as the nose on your face.

The trouble with marriages, especially Irish ones, is that they take on juggernaut proportions once the planning starts. You probably feel like you couldn't bail out now if you tried.

But the problems you'd have bailing out now are *tiny* compared to the problems you'd have once married and decided on seperation/divorce.

mz

God love you. It is so easy for us all to give you advice and tell you not to marry him but if you look into your heart of hearts you know the answer...you really should not marry this man. Walk away - it's so hard (believe me I know all about it) but you will meet someone who is worthy of your love - maybe your ex maybe not. Whatever happens you deserve to be happy and you only get one shot at life.

If he tries anything like trying to charge you rent tell him where to go and his poxy family too.

:mad:

Tazz T

DublinWriter wrote:

But the problems you'd have bailing out now are *tiny* compared to the problems you'd have once married and decided on seperation/divorce.

That says it all.

At least postpone. Do not accept any 'persuasion/coercion' from him to the otherwise. If he does so, cancel!

I know people who were in the same situation and went through with it and still have to live with the fallout years later.

Marry now at your peril.

Hermione*

Beruthiel's advice said it all really.

This man will want to control you imo. That's how I read it . If there's no chemistry, what's the point of any relationship with him, let alone marriage?

If you're haveing doubts, it's not right thing for you. Neither of my sisters had doubts before their weddings iirc, both were just so excited about the event.

And imo, if he's cheated before, it makes it so much more difficult to trust him. There's really very little point to any relationship without trust.

You'll only find somebody who deserves you if you're free to meet that person.

Good luck.

misswex

I'm with everyone here, its plainly obviousl that this isn't what you should be doing. Regardless of the ex, you need to get out of such an manipulative relationship. I know it will be hard for you to stand up to everybody but this is YOUR life here, do you really want to be forced into marrying someone that you don't even have chemistry with never mind love.

I wish you the best of luck, hope you have the courage to stand up for youself and to leave before it is too late.

LegacyUser

One of the problems has been that my parents are not really available to talk to and my mum has not been able to participate in anything, if something puts a damper on even considering getting married then not having your mum looking at dresses with you, chatting about the wedding etc and getting into floods of tears over the whole thing...you get the picture.

We have been talking and I think that he knows that it may be the end - we have a strong friendship based relationship, though I think that I have been very closed off since the affair and since other family events...put it this way, I would be passionate but it would take a lot to get me heated up now. There has not been any sex or evening kissing in a long time and that is not normal.

I guess that I am scared that if I leave him I will never get him back, part of me loves him very much. OK, maybe I am trying to defend him, but seeing his puppy dog eyes this evening. I think that the ex's are in the past, I did speak with them but it is opening up the past too much, if they were interested they would call.

Zebra3

DontKnow1971 wrote:

......and I only recently took him back.

That sounds like someone in a kiddie relationship talking, not someone who's getting married. No offence.

For someone getting married that should read along the lines of 'We clicked again and all those old feelings came rushing back'.

tinkerbell

DontKnow1971 wrote:

There has not been any sex or evening kissing in a long time and that is not normal.

You'd be a fool to marry him. He's treating you like crap and you are considering getting married to him?

And secondly, if you are not even KISSING the guy, then what does that say?! You should be at least kissing each other all the time. You ain't doing that, how can you even imagine spending the rest of your life with him? And if you are constantly thinking about your ex, well that says it all.

LegacyUser

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

Zebra3

Look at it this way...you've saved yourself a lot of hassle further down the line.

In time you can get back out on to the scene and as a single girl and not have to explain to people why your marraige collapsed.

Good luck!

Ruu_Old

Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. Hope things pick up for you and that you end up happier soon. Best of luck now.

dingding

OP best of luck in the future, even though you don't see it now you will look back later and know it was for the best.

Oryx

DontKnow1971 wrote:

Well, what would you know but he starts to kiss me again and even tries to go for sex with me, I get the spark and decide to go ahead because I remembered why I loved him...then he dumped me. I know that this is for the best, he is too emotionally unstable, too manipulative and his parents rule him but at the moment I feel absolutely terrible, I do not know if it is all the years wasted or fear of the unknown or just realising that it is over. At least I do not feel any obligation to pay for the cancellation and I still have the ring. I was due to go for a final fitting on the dress tomorrow

Just goes to show your feelings of doubt were based on something. Dont worry about wasted years, it would have been a far worse waste to marry this guy and be stuck with someone your not sure of and who seems not to love you. Hold your head up high, dont dwell on regrets. You already knew this was wrong, if your original post is anything to go by.

impr0v

OP, this is a very hard time for you, but it is without doubt the best possible outcome. You have avoided a marriage that would have been an unmitigated disaster and you don't have to shoulder the responsibility of calling it off.

The latter is only small consolation, but the pain you're feeling now is at least concentrated, rather than spread across the duration of an unhappy and destructive marriage with all the associated trappings that go along with it, and then having to face this pain anyway when it ended, and the realisation of having wasted the intervening years of your life.

Also if kids were involved, this would be a mistake you could never walk away from.

Though it hurts, concentrate on the fact that you've been cut free and spared a lot more hurt.

dudara

Phew, I'm delighted to hear that you're rid of him. Now you can go find someone who will treat you well, and with whom you can have a great physical relationship. Good luck hunting.

Don't let this idiot come worming his way back in.