Anyone got married in a registry office with a parent refusing to go?

DC · 04-05-2006 12:10PM #1

Our little big day is about 19 weeks away and my wife to be told her mother we were getting married in a registry office. The next thing I get a phonecall and the wife to be is in tears saying her mother tore strips off her!

Thing is, we have been living as husband and wife for 14 years and now we are just making it official, so it's difficult to understand why the future mother-in-law's ideas are so backward. It's not like I haven't been dropping enough hints about it. She had kept asking when the "big day" was going to be, like she was already picking out her outfit and stupid hat in her mind.

Oh, and not only does she not want to go, be she doesn't want "her people" going to it either. That's fine, I can invite more cousins from my side to the dinner afterwards

I'm a city boy, so I can't get my head around that kind of selfishness. My wife to be is originally from a town in Tipp county (where her parents live), so it's a bit more rural, but still!

Still I feel awful for my wife to be and I hope this stupid mother can see the light.

Beruthiel · 04-05-2006 12:14PM

what a selfish, biatch of a mother! especially as ye have been living together for so long, at this stage what does it matter where the paper is sighed?!
is your wife to be still very upset about it?
honestly, if my mother was to behave like that, I'd tell her that's she's quite welcome to stay at home, I'd have no problem having a good time whither she's there or not.
I can't believe this sort of carry on still goes on

county · 04-05-2006 12:15PM

very selfish on your soon to be mother- in -law`s part,is she a religious nut or what?

tk123 · 04-05-2006 12:16PM

She might be just trying to upset you both into having a church wedding?

DC · 04-05-2006 12:29PM

She might be just trying to upset you both into having a church wedding?

That's part of it. I think mostly she wants to strut like a peacock in front of her extended family in a thousand euro outfit. She also probably thinks it will bring some sort of shame on her from her extended family.

She is stupid for thinking so, because they (cousins) have all had kids before they got married. We plan to get married and then have kids.

Her own daughter (sister of wife to be) was 7 months pregnant before she had the courage to tell her. She already knew, but never confronted the daughter. She was not too bad about that, i.e. she didn't lose the rag. But, the whole thing sounds so comical.

When we got engaged nearly 14 years ago, she didn't want to know about the ring. We grabbed my wife's belongings and left in the middle of the night and didn't talk to them for 6 months.

The last 13 years have been quiet enough and I have been fully accepted, but now her behaviour has reared it's ugly head again. Hopefully the father-in-law can talk some sense into her....

FillSpectre · 04-05-2006 12:32PM

What has she actually said about not going?

What may appear selfish is normally not. It comes down to prespective. She may see a marriage outside a church is against everything she holds dear and wanted for her daughter. It may seem like crazy talk to some that a religious wedding is impoartant but it is one of the sacrements. She may think if you have kids or go to have kids with out the wedding thay are somehow tanited.

She may be going about expressing how she feels all wrong but the point is to address the problem not to fight.

From what you are saying here it sounds like you only believe the reason is because she wants a fancy day out and a chance to wear a hat. I doubt that was the reason she gave.

We are all products of our upbringing and if she was brought up very traditionally and religiously how the family celebration of a wedding after 14 years is important to more than those just getting married.

It is a whole family celebration and consideration to the parents and all others is important. Acknowledging concerns and expressing reasons is important to all concerned.

In saying that I got married in Vegas to avoid the whole thing but my family weren't upset as it was a celebration of me and my wife that clearly expressed who we were it just happened to keep the families happy as we partied at home and did a web link for all involved.

simu · 04-05-2006 12:36PM

Pfft, if she wants ye to have a church wedding, lets see her come up with the cash.

I wouldn't tolerate such childishness tbh - tell her loud and clear you are doing things as you have decided and that there's no way you will change your mind, that her emotional blackmail is pointless.

Hobbes · 04-05-2006 01:13PM

simu wrote:

Pfft, if she wants ye to have a church wedding, lets see her come up with the cash.

Exactly. I have had friends put themselves into debt for just one day. Not a great way to start off on your life.

Hermione* · 04-05-2006 01:19PM

Tbh, my parents are in their sixties, forty-odd years older than me, and a product of their upbringing. If I announced I was getting married in a registry office, I know they'd be upset. But I also know my Dad would be too happy for me to let his upset get in the way of my wedding, and he'd talk my mum round as well on my behalf.

Your future mother-in-law may be upset, but it's not her day. It's yours. If she's going to be so selfish, I'd tell her it's just as well she's not attending the ceremony.

Dave! · 04-05-2006 01:20PM

what a f*cking nut, tell her to go f*ck herself, the selfish wierdo!

iguana · 04-05-2006 01:35PM

FillSpectre wrote:

From what you are saying here it sounds like you only believe the reason is because she wants a fancy day out and a chance to wear a hat. I doubt that was the reason she gave.

The reason she gave, and the actual reason she is causing such a fuss are probably two different things. Nobody is going to say "I want a fancy day out, how dare you for not giving it to me!" While she may be saying her objections are religious, and they may partially be, from what I have read here 90% of her problem is that she feels it won't be in keeping with the Joneses.

FillSpectre wrote:

We are all products of our upbringing and if she was brought up very traditionally and religiously how the family celebration of a wedding after 14 years is important to more than those just getting married.

It is a whole family celebration and consideration to the parents and all others is important. Acknowledging concerns and expressing reasons is important to all concerned.

A wedding may be a family celebration, but that isn't it's purpose. It is actually an expression of love and commitment between two people. Family and friends who don't understand this and who go out of their way to undermine the wishes of the couple getting married don't really deserve to join the celebration.

To the op, I would suggest leaving the future MIL to settle for a few days/weeks, while you and your fiance continue making your plans. And the next time your fiance talks to her just tell her how preparations are going as if she had never caused a fuss. If she starts whining just say sorry I've got to go now and hang up. Next time they talk do the same. If she wants to apologise for her behaviour or talk about it rationally, then do so, but if she starts on with emotional blackmail then just politely say I have to go.

Don't get into a fight with her and don't give her the opportunity to have a go at either of you. Eventually send her an invitation, asking for confirmation of attendance by a certain date. Or call her and ask if she is coming, if she starts complaining say you have to go and ask her to call you back the following day with her answer.

I think she is acting like a small child who isn't allowed have sweets before dinner, and there is no point in getting into an argument or trying to bargain with a child in this situation. Just tell them no and keep telling them no, until they understand.

Oh and congratulations on your wedding!;)

WhiteWashMan · 04-05-2006 01:50PM

DC wrote:

Our little big day is about 19 weeks away and my wife to be told her mother we were getting married in a registry office. The next thing I get a phonecall and the wife to be is in tears saying her mother tore strips off her!

Thing is, we have been living as husband and wife for 14 years and now we are just making it official, so it's difficult to understand why the future mother-in-law's ideas are so backward. It's not like I haven't been dropping enough hints about it. She had kept asking when the "big day" was going to be, like she was already picking out her outfit and stupid hat in her mind.

Oh, and not only does she not want to go, be she doesn't want "her people" going to it either. That's fine, I can invite more cousins from my side to the dinner afterwards

I'm a city boy, so I can't get my head around that kind of selfishness. My wife to be is originally from a town in Tipp county (where her parents live), so it's a bit more rural, but still!

Still I feel awful for my wife to be and I hope this stupid mother can see the light.

i got married in a registry office, and it was an absolutely fabulous day.
i have been to a friends wedding in the registry office in dublin, and it was very pleasant, and all done nice and quick and everyone was happy.

the thing you have to remember is this.

its your day.

that means that you have to do whats right for you and your partner.
its the day you are going to remember for the rest of your life. its up to you to ensure that you have the best day of your life.

if an interferring parent or relative is going to start dictating the terms of your marriage, then you make sure that they are willing to pay for it, and even then, it should be about what you want.
the mother is not getting married. you are.

if the mother cannot accept that, then its up to you to make the decision that she can stay away, or she can come, but you are going to do whats right for you.
its also not up to the mother who comes to your wedding.

now, i can certainly understand why a mother would want a, b or c for their daughters wedding, but the most important thing for your partner is that she has a great day.
its not about ensuring the guests are entertained. its not about making sure that the right flowers are ordered to match your cousin jimmys wristwatch, and its not about someone else dictating what you can and cant do.

i guess you have two options.

you can either get the mother to come round and accept that its not what she wants, but what you as a couple want to do

or

you get your partner to accept that if the mother wont change, then theres nothing to be done about it, and you have to get on with it without her blessing.

but whatever you do, it has to be what you both want.

by the way, im also not a big fan of the big wedding that costs tens of thousands of pounds. the more money you spend on a wedding, i have found that people get more stressed out.
if you spend 25k on a wedding, you better be getting everything bloody right.
if it doesnt, ive seen the bride been so upset she threatened to call it of because they flowers were the wrong colour.

thats not what you need on your wedding day. the less you spend, the less you worry about minor details, and at the end of the day, its about showing your love and devotion to someone, and then to celebrate that love.

we hired a small country inn for our wedding reception. it cost bugger all, and i have to admit, our wedding was the best one ive ever been to.

04-05-2006 01:57PM

WhiteWashMan wrote:

we hired a small country inn for our wedding reception. it cost bugger all, and i have to admit, our wedding was the best one ive ever been to.

Slight bias there though eh? ;P

YeatsCounty · 04-05-2006 02:17PM

I agree fully with WWM. I got married in a registry office and it was by far the best ceremony I've been to, and I'm not saying that because it was mine.

Short and to the point. We held the reception afterwards in our apartment. The whole day only cost a couple of hundred dollars and it ensured that we started married life off on the right foot, in the black.

So yes, do what you and your fiancee want to do. It's your wedding, your opinion and that of your fiancee are the only ones that matter. As long as you both sign the marriage certificate and as long as you're both in love with each other, then the ceremony doesn't matter one little bit, no matter what any outsiders say.

Sleepy · 04-05-2006 02:33PM

Call the Mother-In-Law, explain to her that she's being a childish biatch and her actions are threatening to ruin what should be the happiest day of her daughters life. Personally I'd make it clear that I'd be perfectly happy for her not to attend but that this is something your fiancé would like so through that it's also important to you.

If she can't see sense at that, tbh, I think the wedding would be a happier occasion without her but if you wanted to keep trying, the best bet is to talk to your future Father-In-Law.

The important thing is for you to be the one having these conversations, not your fiancé, her mother doesn't have the same power to upset/emotionally blackmail you as she seems to be happy to do to her daughter.

Ruu_Old · 04-05-2006 02:37PM

Boo, shes being really selfish alright. Ask her would she rather you go into debt paying for a church wedding and see what she says!:mad:

jaggeh · 04-05-2006 02:38PM

Hobbes wrote:

Exactly. I have had friends put themselves into debt for just one day. Not a great way to start off on your life.

go go power rangers

DC · 04-05-2006 02:53PM

I had it out with her when we originally got engaged over 13 years ago (I know, long engagement!). She was stubborn then and there was even mediation required from an aunt and uncle to clear the air. I'm just going to leave the FIL talk to her and if that doesn't work, then it's up to her to make the decision to go or not.

My fiancee and I went to a jeweller at lunch time and picked out our wedding rings. That cheered her up a lot. She has gotten over the initial shock (well it wasn't that much of a surprise I suppose) and is just looking forward to the day now, regardless of whether her mother goes or not.

We are going to have a lunch or dinner in a hotel for 40 - 50 people at a cost of 2,000 euro at the most. Then we are going for a great honeymoon for 10 nights in Thailand at a cost of 3,000. TBH, I would have been happy with sausage rolls at the local GAA club, but for not too much a decent dinner can be had by all.

Like previous posters, I cannot understand how people spend 25 - 30K on a wedding. It's only one day. At the end of it, all people tend to remember is whether the food was nice. Give them access to a bar as well and everyone is happy!

A friend of my fiancee is spending 3,000 on her dress alone and 2,500 to hire a rolls royce! And she has got a topup on the mortgage to pay for it! One day, 30 years paying for it!

Ruu_Old · 04-05-2006 02:59PM

Some people just want more and more, bloody meddling parents and inlaws:rolleyes: Do what YOU want and not what they want, its your wedding. Sure as long as you have family and friends around you and having fun thats all that matters at the end of the day. I hope it works out for the best OP and that you two end up happily married for years to come.

FillSpectre · 04-05-2006 03:09PM

iguana wrote:

The reason she gave, and the actual reason she is causing such a fuss are probably two different things.

I was addressing the OP. Assuming views on anybody is the best way to start an arguemnt and the quickest way to address a problem is to talk and listen to them without predjudice.

iguana wrote:

A wedding may be a family celebration, but that isn't it's purpose. It is actually an expression of love and commitment between two people. Family and friends who don't understand this and who go out of their way to undermine the wishes of the couple getting married don't really deserve to join the celebration.

Actually that is the purpose to celebrate and show a unity to family and peers that the couples bond is shown. There are many ways to celebrate it but the purpose is universal in showing a commitment to the person in front of family and peers. The one constant element of it.

All I am saying is don't try tricks games or schemes to get the mother there but talk to her and try not to assume everything. Most people are happy once their view is heard, acknowledged and understood. A token jesture is often enough to pacify most people especially family. People often foreget that their parents are people too and have their own mistakes to make.

As their is only mention of the mother in law would I be right in guessing the father-in-law is dead? I know with my sister's wedding my Mam wanted it big becasue she had spoken to my father about it and he wanted to be there but knew he would never make it becasue he was dying. You can be very surpirsed at what vested interest people have in a big day out. The older generation always expected their children to get married in a church.

It is very unlikely the mother is doing this just to be selfish.

flanzer · 04-05-2006 03:12PM

Announce to your mother-f*cker-in-law that your partner is also pregnant for the craic!!

It she's that backward, you wouldn't have to worry about ever seeing her again

Interceptor · 04-05-2006 03:23PM

She sounds like the sort of acid-filled crank that many Irish people have to endure. From what I read, she would find a way to ruin your wedding no matter what you did - would you say she is spoiled and gets her own way? Either way, after 14 years it doesn't matter where you do it so long as you are happy. Don't let the skank wear you down, enjoy your day and use the money you save on counselling for your wife.

'cptr

Enii · 04-05-2006 04:40PM

Registry offices are the way to go. I got married in one in Dublin and had a meal for 35 afterwards in a small hotel and then a regular afters at 8pm. cost lesss than 2,000 all in.

As the ceremeony finished all my husbands friends checked their watches than gave my husband the thumbs up. They were all delighted as the ceremony takes lees then 10 minutes. My best friend actually missed it as she couldn't find a parking space, I didn't mind - the only people have to be there really are the couple who are getting married!!!

I also didn't have speeches as most people are bored silly by them and the fact that I only had a small crowd at the meal I could thank everyone individually. It was a really chilled out fun wedding........

metrovelvet · 04-05-2006 04:53PM

You know I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but this is your future mother in law. And whether you like it or not she will now be in your life either until your death or your divorce. Your wedding day is one day

So, do you really want your marriage to start off like this?

What is it that us upsetting your mother in law to be? You need to resolve this or it will cast its shadows.

DC · 04-05-2006 05:20PM

metrovelvet:

We've been engaged for over 13 years and spent over 100 weekends staying in the MIL's house. She knows we sleep in the same bed when we visit (we don't get the use of a double bed, so we have to squeeze into a single).

We have been married in spirit for 14 years, if not on paper. We had our problems with the mother in law over 13 years ago and it took 6 months to resolve. I hoped she had gotten more sense with age, but apparently not.

If she comes she comes, if not then that's her luck out, not ours. She will miss a pleasant relaxing celebratory day.

Having thought about it, it's probably this image some of the older generation have of registry offices. The words dirty and seedy probably spring to her mind. A place where only divorced people go or people with children out of wedlock or whatever.

She obviously can't grasp the concept that a registry office is just a place to get married regardless of your circumstances or beliefs. It's the marriage itself that is important, not the 30 minutes it takes to get married. At the end of the day, I respect her belief in a religion and she should respect our non-interest in a religious ceremony.

Sleepy · 04-05-2006 05:27PM

Did you even read any of the OP's posts? :rolleyes:

edit: beaten to correcting you by the man himself.

dbnavan · 04-05-2006 05:33PM

I got married in a registry office, simply because i didnt want so priest who had probably never been in a relationship, never mind married, telling me on some pre marraige course, how i should conduct my marraige.

Turned out to be a great day, my grandmother, who i thought it would be an issue with as she goes the mass every day, said it was one of the best weddings she ever had gone to.

metrovelvet · 04-05-2006 06:09PM

Well as your happy enough that she's not coming I'm not sure what you're asking except for validation in hating your mother in law [oh excuse me , your mother in spirit].

So if it's just a formality what's the problem? What is it that you want to happen?

0utshined · 04-05-2006 06:54PM

metrovelvet wrote:

Well as your happy enough that she's not coming I'm not sure what you're asking except for validation in hating your mother in law [oh excuse me , your mother in spirit].

The answer lies in the thread title :

Anyone got married in a registry office with a parent refusing to go?

You're reading a hell of a lot into his posts to say he hates her. He sounds disappointed more than anything that she won't go to her daughter's ceremony.

"At the end of the day, I respect her belief in a religion and she should respect our non-interest in a religious ceremony."

metrovelvet · 04-05-2006 07:10PM

Ok hate is a strong word. I wasnt using it literally.

I took that question to be rhetorical. How many people can possibly answer yes to that?

0utshined · 04-05-2006 07:19PM

The OP for one if he has any sense!

Anyone got married in a registry office with a parent refusing to go?

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