Messed up

LegacyUser · 04-04-2006 7:54pm #1

Hey guys, can anyone tell me what the difference is between someone who does something bad or someon who is plain bad?
I messed up big time a couple of weeks ago and I don't really know how to get passed it.
Full story: There's about four years between me and my sister- she's at college so I don't get to see her that often - but we generally get on great. Anyway, I went to visit her on Paddy's day and ended up going out with her and her fella to a couple of pubs. Later on, when we got back to the flat, D***** went on to bed and left me and her boyfriend chatting and finishing off the beers. To cut a long story short we ended up kissing and other stuff. I was very drunk but I know I realised what was happening.
There is nothing between me and him- I don't fancy himand I certainly don't think he fancies me. I just feel mortified and devastated. I've never done anything so heartless and selfish in my life. I don't think it is right to say anything to my sis even tho it's killing me. But I don't think telling the truth will do anything other than cause her pain.
Is a person truly capable of making an honest mistake or do I just have to accept that I'm a ****ty person?

Chucky the tree · 04-04-2006 9:20pm

Your just a ****ty person.

The fact you wont even tell your sister makes you worse.

Ruu_Old · 04-04-2006 9:22pm

Well as you said you were drunk and probably made a mistake. You said theres nothing between you. You get on great with your sister and you are lying to her right now so its time for you to come clean and let her know. Get it all out or it will end up eating you inside. Good luck.

Pepe LeFrits · 04-04-2006 9:27pm

Let yourself suffer the pain of guilt instead of passing it on to your sister. Suitable punishment as far as I'm concerned.

hullaballoo · 04-04-2006 9:34pm

Tell your sister. No doubt about it. If she hates you about it at first, that will be normal, but she'll get over it. The real issue here is with her boyfriend, and it's an issue she needs to resolve with him.

Now, I'm aware you didn't actually say this, but I'm assuming you don't have a boyfriend yourself, in which case you haven't cheated on your partner. He has. Your sister needs to sort that with him. If you really care about her you'll let her know, because he might have a propensity for this sort of thing, and if he does, your sister could end up getting hurt even more or looking like a fool.

Either that or put it down to a bad/good/middling experience and forget about it. It might never happen again and mightn't be worth the fuss.

The Sweeper · 04-04-2006 10:02pm

BAAAAAAH.

You're not a bad person.

You're full of hormones and have a questionable loyalty to your sister.

You didn't, however, stab her boyfriend to death on the couch, stash his body in her shower and plant the murder weapon (one of her stilettos) back in her wardrobe and go home.

QED: you're not a bad person.

LundiMardi · 04-04-2006 10:25pm

unreggirlie wrote:

Hey guys, can anyone tell me what the difference is between someone who does something bad or someon who is plain bad?
I messed up big time a couple of weeks ago and I don't really know how to get passed it.
Full story: There's about four years between me and my sister- she's at college so I don't get to see her that often - but we generally get on great. Anyway, I went to visit her on Paddy's day and ended up going out with her and her fella to a couple of pubs. Later on, when we got back to the flat, D***** went on to bed and left me and her boyfriend chatting and finishing off the beers. To cut a long story short we ended up kissing and other stuff. I was very drunk but I know I realised what was happening.
There is nothing between me and him- I don't fancy himand I certainly don't think he fancies me. I just feel mortified and devastated. I've never done anything so heartless and selfish in my life. I don't think it is right to say anything to my sis even tho it's killing me. But I don't think telling the truth will do anything other than cause her pain.
Is a person truly capable of making an honest mistake or do I just have to accept that I'm a ****ty person?

yeah pretty much, fooling around with your sisters bf is a pretty ****ty thing to do. Regardless of other factors effecting your decision. Not that many people would do it, and not many have. (compared to those who haven't)

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 04-04-2006 10:54pm

The difference is remorse. If there is remorse and a desire to put things right and not 'sin' again then you cannot be a bad thing.

Should you tell her? Yes. If only to safeguard the hurt you may cause by her finding out some other way.

athena 2000 · 04-04-2006 11:16pm

unreggirlie wrote:

Later on, when we got back to the flat, D***** went on to bed and left me and her boyfriend chatting and finishing off the beers. To cut a long story short we ended up kissing and other stuff. I was very drunk but I know I realised what was happening.

You're not a bad person. I think your pain concerning the situation should tell you that.
So...

No. 1 - You have a conscience. Yay!

No. 2 - You probably will never do this again. Yay!

No. 3 - You'll need to keep it to yourself and not tell your sister. Why?
Because your pain is your penalty. It will not make things better for you or your sister to tell.
If you do tell her, then be ready for ALL the blame even though,

No 4 - It takes two to "kiss and other stuff" - so your sister's boyfriend has some issues regarding respecting your sister. You're not the only one at fault in this scenario.

No. 5 - If you've got poor impulse control, lay off the booze.

We don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your sister or her boyfriend, but you probably do have the ability to control yourself, yes? Start there.:)

mountainyman · 04-04-2006 11:57pm

unreggirlie wrote:

Is a person truly capable of making an honest mistake or do I just have to accept that I'm a ****ty person?

Is is your older sister? in that case tell your sister at once and go to the police. If you are 18 or under then maybe you are just immature and maybe you are a bad person or some combination of the two.
If you are older than 18 then yes you are a ****ty person. However you are a human being with the capacity to change and grow, to learn and to mature. But someone who gets drunk and bl0ws her sisters boyfriend is not a good person.

You said that you were drunk but you knew what was happening. If he led the whole thing you are not quite as bad a person but you must tell your sister, if he is doing this with you he is doing it with her friends and she will get hurt and humiliated.

Even if you are a complete sh1t which you probably are you should tell your sister from a self interested point of view, if you have figured it out that should tell you something about yourself.

If you haven't figured it out tell her before he does.

MM

mountainyman · 05-04-2006 12:03am

By the way this is not aimed at unreggiegirlie it is a general point; those of you saying "if there is remorse you are not a bad person" : Get fvcking real OK it doesn't matter how much you rip yourself up afterwards if you go around harming people you are a bad person.

MM

fatboypee · 05-04-2006 7:38am

What is the reason for telling your sister ? What possible good will it do her to know:

A) Her boyfriend has phillanderous tendencies and has such little respect for her that he would try it on with her sister

Her sister has such obvious issues over her relationship with a man that her sister does not even find attractive that she will go to such extents as to snogging him to try and prove she is as attractive as her sister.

Sh1t happens as they say, we all screw up at some point, occasionally it involves brothers or sisters in this way.

To my mind you will only cause your sister pain if you tell her, the only reason it appears is to relieve your own conscience. If it were me, I would try and understand what made me do such a thing, keep well clear of them while they're together and try my best to keep things on an even keel with her.
Oh, and I would not even mention this again to her boyfriend, as far as I would be concerned it was something that didn't happen, as if things get sticky between him and her, it could well be used as ammunition in any break up....

FB..

LegacyUser · 05-04-2006 8:04am

fatboypee wrote:

To my mind you will only cause your sister pain if you tell her, the only reason it appears is to relieve your own conscience. If it were me, I would try and understand what made me do such a thing, keep well clear of them while they're together and try my best to keep things on an even keel with her.
FB..

I think this is the most realsitic reply. Superficially it sounds cowardly but what if my sis and her guy are meant to be together? Should a whole relationship be wrecked for one drunken incident that's going nowhere? If I thought he made a habit of this there's no way I'd let her go on in ignorance but ,equally, if this is a once off for him I think he deserves a chance to look on this as a wake-up call.
For me: Yes I accept the guilt and yes I take on board that most people here think I'm a sh*t and yes I'm gonna make sure it never happens again.

cil_aine · 05-04-2006 8:11am

Tell her, at least then you won't have as much guilt eating you up. She needs to know. These things happen all the time, and it's not as if you're having a wild passionate affair behind her back. You seem really sorry, so try to get that acroos the best way you can in your apology. Is the boyfriend long-term or what by the way?

fatboypee · 05-04-2006 8:38am

unreggirlie wrote:

I think this is the most realsitic reply. Superficially it sounds cowardly but what if my sis and her guy are meant to be together?

Should a whole relationship be wrecked for one drunken incident that's going nowhere? If I thought he made a habit of this there's no way I'd let her go on in ignorance but ,equally, if this is a once off for him I think he deserves a chance to look on this as a wake-up call.

For me: Yes I accept the guilt and yes I take on board that most people here think I'm a sh*t and yes I'm gonna make sure it never happens again.

I'm intrigued by your motivation here. For one thing it would be rather difficult to tell your sister without opeining up to the possibility that the "truth" will come out, (the drunken snog ensured your complicity)

I would be more concerned with my relationship with my sister in this case. If she has wanderin' boyfriend then she will find out one way or another.

Telling her it was you he nearly wandered with and you stand to wreck your relationship with your sister. Not that she doesn't deserve to know and not that you're not guilty but bonds between sisters & brothers etc ....maybe very strong but ask yourself, will it ever be the same between you once the trust has gone ?

I suppose the bottom line is put yourself in her position, imagine if she did that to you what would you feel ?

FB.

LegacyUser · 05-04-2006 11:06am

fatboypee wrote:

I suppose the bottom line is put yourself in her position, imagine if she did that to you what would you feel ?

FB.

I don't know whether I'd ever be able to see her in the same light again. If she told me somehting like that it would taint our relationship, maybe for good.

If I had feelings for the guy or thought that it might happen again then the right thing would be to own up. But because I know(and I'd imagine he does too) it is a disastrous once-off surely the best is to just get on with life and try and work hard at being a better sister?
I'm old enough to know that honesty is a dual edged sword.

fatboypee · 05-04-2006 12:29pm

unreggirlie wrote:

If I had feelings for the guy or thought that it might happen again then the right thing would be to own up. But because I know(and I'd imagine he does too) it is a disastrous once-off surely the best is to just get on with life and try and work hard at being a better sister?
I'm old enough to know that honesty is a dual edged sword.

Two points here really:

1. What (apart from the excessive alcohol) do you think led you into that situation in the first place ? (sometimes I think we forget how much love exists between sisters / brothers and we take that relationship for granted. Add to that a bit of jealousy/rivalry and bobs yer uncle...)??

- Even if you had feelings for the guy and even if you had those feelings reciprocated, in the cold light of day do you think it would change things for you in terms of you wanting to come clean to your sister ?

2. If the chap is phillandering with the sister of the girl he's going out with I would not guarantee his knowing your feelings on the subject (of you two getting together again), making the second point that if he can do that with you, he can do that with others too. But again, if you're adamant it was a once-off then if it were me, I would ensure the chap knows I had his card marked and keep my distance....

FB..

Wolf · 05-04-2006 1:20pm

What you have done in the past does not deffine you as a person what you do in the present does.

You can't go back and change the fact that you made a mistake, but, what you can do is make 100% sure that you never do anything like this ever again. Are there other things in your life that you do that you know deep down are wrong ? If so maybe take this as the wake up call to address those as well. Main point is the worst person in the world if they so decide to can make themselves a good person by what they do for the rest of their reamining days. What you do next year, month, week, next day, the next five seconds. Do something good every day. Make a little extra effort in work, help someone in the street there are chances all round you to be a better person and at no stage will you ever reach a stage where you can go yeah I'm a good person. You have to try to do a lttle more every day. Just think about it.

As for telling / not telling your sister. Well, that a thronie one. Does she really need to know? Do you feel you really have to tell her?

I would say thats his responsibilty really, however, that fact that drunk or not he had a sexual encounter with his girl friends sister sounds to me like hes an ass and she would probably be better off without him. But you need to ask yourself if you should be one to tell her that? Indeed she has the right to know that she is going out with someone that she can't trust, but, that is an issue for them to sort out. All in all you probably should tell her as she needs to know the truth, if you want to be a good person you have to own up to the wrongs that you did, and try your best to repent for them. Your sister should forgive you as I believe if someone is honestly sorry you should always forgive them and hey after all your family.

You will have to be prepared for the reaction, but, you did something worng and not owning up for it will not repair it. Think more on the idea that your sister may find out futher down the line that he has done this before or again and that she could have know what he was like if only you had told her sooner, surly that would be worse?

Well, whatever you do, best of luck and remember beating yourself up for what you have done is useless, making sure that you learn from it is not.

Chinafoot · 06-04-2006 12:04pm

unreggirlie wrote:

Should a whole relationship be wrecked for one drunken incident that's going nowhere? If I thought he made a habit of this there's no way I'd let her go on in ignorance but ,equally, if this is a once off for him I think he deserves a chance to look on this as a wake-up call.

Ok I'm a bit confused as to how this would be a wake-up call for him if his girlfriend never finds out and he effectively gets away with it.

Look at it from a different perspective for a second. Imagine this never happened, and one night you caught your sisters boyfriend with another girl. Would you think that her boyfriend deserved a chance to see it as a wake-up call? Or would you tell your sister that the sleaze bag is cheating on her? If it was me I know exactly what I'd do, and it most certainly wouldn't be the first option.

If you were going out with someone and your sister knew he had cheated on you, would you want to know? I know I would. I know in this case it's different because its you that he cheated with, but to be honest, after the disrespect you have shown her in doing that, the least you can do is have the balls to own up and save her even more hurt down the line if he does this again.

The fact that there were no feelings involved and it meant nothing makes it even worse tbh. If it had been a case that you were mad about each other then maybe you would have received a bit more sympathy here. However, you have no feelings for this guy, knew what you were doing and went ahead and did it anyway.

Her boyfriend has cheated on her and she deserves to know and to have the chance to get out of that relationship.

The fact is you are worried about her reaction to you. Stop being selfish and think about your sister for a second. She is going out with a guy who gets it on with his girlfriends sister while she's sleeping in the other room. Is that really what you want for your sister? Yes there may be damage to your relationship but you did a pretty low thing so thats to be expected. Think how much more damaged it would be if at some point down the line she finds out about this from someone else?

Bite the bullet and come clean. You said yourself that you knew what you were doing. You made a conscious decision to do what you did so you should be an adult and face up to the consequences of your actions.

fuzzywiggle · 06-04-2006 1:33pm

You're not a ''bad person''. You have made a mistake. I think your sister needs to know who she is really going out with. I would tell her and what ever happens to your relationship with her after that, happens. It's the price you have to pay.

Don't make up excuses like ''but what if my sis and her guy are meant to be together? Should a whole relationship be wrecked for one drunken incident that's going nowhere? If I thought he made a habit of this there's no way I'd let her go on in ignorance but ,equally, if this is a once off for him I think he deserves a chance to look on this as a wake-up call.'' Do you really want your own sister to be with someone like that? and you say ''IF this is a once off for him'', it doesn't matter how many he times he cheats whether it's a ''once off'' or not it's still wrong. Anyway if he has the cheek to do something like that with his GF's sister..I would doubt that it's a once off.

AngryBadger · 06-04-2006 2:05pm

That was a seriously ****ty thing to do, to you own sister, come on. And you say you knew what you were doing??

Tell your sister, her bf is obviously as big a sit as you. And in future, don't pull crap like this. That way you won't always be a ****ty person

Messed up

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