How do you know if someone is the one?

LegacyUser · 10-02-2006 07:53PM #1

I am just wondering how do you know when someone is the one. I have not dated a lot of people but have had one long term relationship (several years) which had a 3 year break, we got back and have tried to get engaged, however now I am getting cold feet. He is a very good man, he treats me well, but we never seem to spend quality time together or even kiss and I am feeling very alone. Would welcome any advice.

Heyes · 10-02-2006 08:42PM

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. talking is one of the most important parts of a relationship, none of us are mind readers

Tell him how your feeling, and how you would like things to change, particularly if you are feeling this is for the long term. Hopefully he will realise that its an issue, and things will become a lot happier for you.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2006 09:01PM

OK, a few more details - when we first got together I had just left a short but very chemistry based relationship - he picked up the pieces but I am not sure if there were any sparks. He had an affair a few years in (am not placing blame, we were both unhappy at the time) - I moved on and he moved on but we stayed friends. Now, however I can not remember if we ever had sparks and I still have the memory of the recent relationship in my head which was again very chemistry based whereas we are more friendship based I feel. Comparing an old and a new relationship is never easy but this is doing my head in. I do not put effort into the relationship with my fiance, the added problems are that we are due to get married very soon and were about to buy a house together when I freaked out at the whole thing.

Racheal Green · 10-02-2006 10:41PM

When you find the one you just know..theres no other way of putting it.

Hes the person you cant get out of your head, the person you imagine throughout the day,wonder what hes doing, the person who puts a smile on your face just by imagining him..

But most of all hes the one if you can trust him, know that he will do anything for you, and love you for being you.
Thats why people in a good relationship may not notice straight off if you have changed your hair slightly or put on a small bit of weight. Its because the see the real you.. not the outward exterier.

Everyone gets the jitters every so often,especially if the relationship starts to get really serious, eg marriage.
But how you know if hes the one is if your able to communicate everything to one another,and realise that your not the same and that you both have differences. You just have to learn to love and live with those differences.

His, maybe that finds it weird to kiss or cuddle in public or isnt used to the idea of getting too close the whole time, but you'll never know what he feels until you ask him and find a compromise..For all he knows maybe he thinks you dont like it..:)
Just talk to him, and it will make you feel alot better and bring you closer as a couple..:)

Hope my advice is some help..:)
Hope you work it out

Shabadu · 10-02-2006 10:59PM

But Ross cheated on you!! How can you trust him again?

constitutionus · 10-02-2006 11:04PM

to be honest love ,and this is just MY opinion. i dont think hes the one. it obvious you really care for him but the start of the relationship sounds like rebound territory so i think youve fallen into the "friend-sex" zone.
its not BAD but its not true love either and it sounds like you'd be both making a mistake getting married. i mean if he's had an affair and your questioning weather you were EVER attracted to him you KNOW theres something up.

my advice, keep looking ,trust me when you find the one you'll know it (it usually involve a fair amount of terror:D )

LegacyUser · 10-02-2006 11:27PM

Shabadu - I did not even notice the Ross similarities (no, we were not on a break), but he does have the same cute puppy dog eyes...

"Hes the person you cant get out of your head, the person you imagine throughout the day,wonder what hes doing, the person who puts a smile on your face just by imagining him.."
He does not light up my eyes no - I care for him deeply but I know that I do not treat him well enough, do I miss him when we are apart, sure, I virtually ate the face off him in Dublin airport when he had to go away recently (and that was only for a short time).

"But most of all hes the one if you can trust him, know that he will do anything for you, and love you for being you.
Thats why people in a good relationship may not notice straight off if you have changed your hair slightly or put on a small bit of weight. Its because the see the real you.. not the outward exterier."
He loves me for me, sure, but we have trust issues, I am not saying that I do not deeply care for him, I do, and I have to state again that he is a wonderful guy...he did not notice when I put on 2 stone (I lost 2.5 stone since) but I did notice when he put on nearly 4 stone. Sorry, for being lighthearted, this is a serious issue but I have been through one of the toughest weeks of my life on a relationship level with this.

Communication has not been our strong point, we wanted a kid and I have been very strict on my health to get myself into good shape which has meant that I have very little energy and he has been great with housework but he feels neglected and so do I. We have been talking a lot more in the past two days but some of the stuff has been painful on both sides.

We also have not had s£x in over 2 years, while it was my choice in that I wanted us to have a great honeymoon it does cause problems. I suppose that in a nutshell there is no chemistry and I left a relationship where it was mainly chemistry and I want friendship and chemistry...can you survive without chemistry?

Watchful · 10-02-2006 11:50PM

ok... through a lot of that I was thinking that sure- you dont really have the spark, but hey- it never lasts forever. But surely there must be something! even just a small zing- that little feeling that makes you feel like everythings ok, and that you two have this 'thing' that no-one else has when you see them across the room- you know?

And no sex for over 2 years? That just boggles me! your going to marry someone you you arent convinced you love truly? who you havent wanted to sleep with in over 2 years?? do you think things will change after your married or something?

I think you know the answer really- scary- but true.

(sorry if I seem mean- its just it seems a hard- but simple predicament)

LegacyUser · 11-02-2006 12:05AM

Watchful wrote:

ok... through a lot of that I was thinking that sure- you dont really have the spark, but hey- it never lasts forever. But surely there must be something! even just a small zing- that little feeling that makes you feel like everythings ok, and that you two have this 'thing' that no-one else has when you see them across the room- you know?

And no sex for over 2 years? That just boggles me! your going to marry someone you you arent convinced you love truly? who you havent wanted to sleep with in over 2 years?? do you think things will change after your married or something?

Do I think he is cute, he is adorable, he has the most amazing eyes and he is one of the kindest men you could meet, he is thoughtful, considerate, funny, kind...

The s£x, well, there is nothing when I kiss him, let alone anything else, it is not as if I have a low libido, anything but...could I put up with it, well I would have to.

WhiteWashMan · 11-02-2006 12:18AM

Unsure1971 wrote:

I am just wondering how do you know when someone is the one. I have not dated a lot of people but have had one long term relationship (several years) which had a 3 year break, we got back and have tried to get engaged, however now I am getting cold feet. He is a very good man, he treats me well, but we never seem to spend quality time together or even kiss and I am feeling very alone. Would welcome any advice.

as said, you just do.

however....

if he does not give you the things you need, then why are you with him. would you be with him if he didnt talk to you, or if he didnt have sex with you?

why would you be with someone who didnt spend quality time with you, or even kiss you?

if these are things that are important, then they are important.

dont think for a minute that he will change and suddenly become mr quality time, or mr kisses. he wont. he is who he is, just the same way you are who you are.

and if you do not have the things in your relationship now, dont think that it will get better.

a relationship only gets better when you and your partner have all the things for each other that are important.

it really comes down to what is important to you. but for the love of god, dont make a decisino based on comfort and safety. i have seen far too many relationships last too long becuase people were afraid to break up becuase they were afraid to be alone.

WhiteWashMan · 11-02-2006 12:20AM

Racheal Green wrote:

Everyone gets the jitters every so often,especially if the relationship starts to get really serious, eg marriage.

not nessecarily. not once at all did i get jitters about marriage. nor have i ever had jitters about my relationship. not a simgle one time.
maybe im just abnormal, but i am totally 110% certain and trustful and happy in my relationship, and i have been ever since the day i met my wife.

Racheal Green · 11-02-2006 01:22AM

As constitionous said you have fallen into the friend-sex situation.Dont think hes the one for you by far. If he was he wouldn't have cheated in the first place, secondly sex should never be a barrier or something that keeps you together, if he was the one sex should be just be an added bonus,not the bases of the relationship.(even though it helps). Of coarse you were going to think of him while he wasnt around, same as you would if your best friend left you..I think that if you were to marry this guy you would be settling for second best..

And what proves the fact even more is the fact that you have written to us saying it..Im sure if it were one of us writting it you would have said straight off that you and him were just really good friends.And their is no way hes the ONE( sorry for ending on a dissappointing note but maybe you should listen to your own advise) and go with your gut feeling.

And to Whitewashman men very rarely get the jitters..Some maybe whenthey decide to propose but Women always get, even though they might not like to admit it. Thats why every woman cries on her wedding day or the day before it. Its a ritual..

BeardyGit · 11-02-2006 01:53AM

Racheal Green wrote:

And to Whitewashman men very rarely get the jitters..Some maybe whenthey decide to propose but Women always get, even though they might not like to admit it. Thats why every woman cries on her wedding day or the day before it. Its a ritual..

Many of my friends are now happily married (albeit for only 5 years or thereabouts on average). I've been best man at 5 of their weddings - Maybe the lads reckon it's the only time I'll have anything to do at a wedding!

I can tell you for a fact that 3 of my mates ended up as nervous wrecks coming up to the big day. They just don't talk to anyone else about it so just because you girls never see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Apart from that, why would anyone presume that the needs of one couple facing marriage are the same as their own would be? Some do it for themselves, some for their families, some for their children. I could elaborate but that usually becomes boring for everyone I'm sure

Suffice it to say that "The One" is not a reality. More like "The Many Ones" and I don't think the OP has any of them....

Gil

Gaillimhtaibhse · 11-02-2006 02:02AM

Many of the things that attracted you to each other still persist years later. And with some of these things, they get better, like a fine wine, that both of you continue to saver and share.

spacetweek · 11-02-2006 03:53AM

Racheal Green wrote:

And to Whitewashman men very rarely get the jitters..Some maybe whenthey decide to propose but Women always get, even though they might not like to admit it.

What! Speak for yourself please. God, i WISH i rarely got the jitters!

oulu · 11-02-2006 07:39AM

If that person is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night would be a good indicater, also do they make u want to be a better person Jack Nicholinson

xzanti · 11-02-2006 11:09AM

Unsure1971 wrote:

I am just wondering how do you know when someone is the one. I have not dated a lot of people but have had one long term relationship (several years) which had a 3 year break, we got back and have tried to get engaged, however now I am getting cold feet. He is a very good man, he treats me well, but we never seem to spend quality time together or even kiss and I am feeling very alone. Would welcome any advice.

IMO.. If you have to question weather someone is right for you then he's probably not... If you meet "The One" then nobodys opinion or advice will be needed.. You will just know

IMHO

Beruthiel · 11-02-2006 12:05PM

I agree with everything that wwm said
I would like to add that you know he's the one when it just feels right.
From everything you've said above, it doesn't 'feel' right, you are in fact perhaps trying to convince yourself that it is right, that x and y are good, but you are missing the z?
we cannot tell you what to do here, you have a lot of thinking to do before the wedding, might I suggest you not put yourself under the pressure of 'having to go through with it' because of letting everyone down, if it's not working now, I speak for experience when I say it won't get better later, it will get worse. Less pain now, more pain later.
most importantly
I am of the opinion that if you are about to marry someone, you should be truly happy about it and should be looking forward to a long and happy life together with this wonderful man that you are so lucky to have found - if that feeling isn't there then why are you doing it?
If you are thinking that it's better than being alone or you may not find anyone else, I assure you it's not better.
Yes, you can be lonely alone, but you can be even more lonely in the wrong relationship.

WhiteWashMan · 11-02-2006 12:15PM

Racheal Green wrote:

And to Whitewashman men very rarely get the jitters..Some maybe whenthey decide to propose but Women always get, even though they might not like to admit it. Thats why every woman cries on her wedding day or the day before it. Its a ritual..

im not sure how you can make a statement like that crossing half of the worlds population, but if thats what you think, then fair enough.
on the other hand, i would be more likely to suggest that people cry on their wedding day because its an incredibly emotional event.

not becuase of jitters. if people have jitters about their relationship or their partner, then i think there needs to be some serious thinking and searching done. believe it or not, a realtionship does not NEED to be worked at. sure, there are good times and bad times, but to actually need to work on a relationship in order to maintain some semblence of civility, then theres an issue. ive been in a relatiosnhip where we constantly needed to work on it. we pledged we would do everything we could do to stay together.

why?

why should i work at trying to be happy, and trying to make someone else happy?
surely i should be in a relationship where i just am happy. where my partner is loving and giving and ticks all the little boxes i need ina partner? surely we dont need to work at being happy. surely just being with someone makes you happy.
and thats where i am now. i am happy. i dont need to constantly negotiate on my life, i dont need to constantly compromise how i feel or what i should do in order to make someone else happy. i just need to be me. i am loved for me, and i am happy being me. i complement my partner. she compliments me. we are great together. we dont fight, we rarely argue.

but dont get me wrong. just becuase i say you dont need to work at a relationship to make it work, doesnt mean you dont have to make an effort! its nice to make my partner breakfast in bed. it great to surprise then with a small gift. she loves getting flowers just for being gorgeous. but we dont have episodes where we dont talk to eacth other for 3 days. we dont shout at each other, we dont throw things. we dont have guilt trips, theres no emotional blackmail. there is none of the things that are ina relationship that 'has to be worked' on.

i think most people stay in relationships becuase they are afraid to not be in one. i know. ive been there. i did it for 4 years. it wasnt healthy. but it did make me realise that i would never be ina relationship where i wasnt happy. and i think its only then that you realise what makes you happy in a realtionship. and i certainly wouldnt settle for being in a relationship where i am happy only 90% of the time, or where my partner doesnt give me the things i need. like holding hands in public, like quick affectionate kisses, like actually wanting to be with me for the rest of our lives.

WhiteWashMan · 11-02-2006 12:17PM

Beruthiel wrote:

Yes, you can be lonely alone, but you can be even more lonely in the wrong relationship.

absolutely bang on! this is sooooo right.
and so many people dont realise it.

Ickle Magoo · 11-02-2006 12:43PM

OP,

IMO, if it even crosses your mind that he may not be the one then he isn't......if you want to marry for love & love alone, then the thought of spending the rest of your life with this man should fill you with absolute glee - not dread - you wouldn't need a second to consider it.....being a good man & being good to you sounds like reasons to marry in the 1920's - but I don't hear you speak of love, of passion, of those knots in the pit of your stomach just before you see your man, or the feeling of complete & absolute unity you feel when you are together.....but then I suppose it depends on what you consider good reasons to marry.....Best of luck

Incidentally,.....I met my hubby one week, we spent every spare minute together until we moved in together 6wks later, we were engaged after a year and married the next.....does that sound like people who had jitters or got cold feet at any stage?!

I shed a few tears on my wedding day out of pure joy, so the "all women cry due to having second thoughts" statement is complete rubbish... I asked my husband if he got the jitters & he agrees with WWM, he says he was nervous but out of excitement - he wouldn't have asked me to marry him if he wasn't 120% sure I was the woman for him........obviously some people may get hitched & not be so sure about it - and that's up to them, folks get married for different reasons - but not everyone is going to feel one particular way about anything - it is a bit of a sweeping statement....

LegacyUser · 11-02-2006 08:47PM

The evil inlaws have put their oar in - they are telling my so called intended that he can not buy a house with me until we are married, obviously I feel like telling them where to stuff their money (they had helped towards his first house). They had interfered in the past but I thought that it was all over - at the moment am hurt and angry, but at the moment I really do not feel that I can not go ahead, he is pleading with me but I just want to get a million miles away from him, it is not as if I did not care and I was remembering how I loved him but this is the final straw...

How do you know if someone is the one?

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