Girl I really fancy has an abusive boyfriend

Dagon · 29-11-2005 06:41PM #1

In the past few months I established a friendship with a really nice girl in college. In the last couple of weeks we've dicovered we fancy each other like crazy, and I've also found out she has a boyfriend who is making her life very miserable. Nothing has happened between us but she has said she wants it to. I haven't done anything as I don't think it would help the situation.

However, she is filled with so much fear of her boyfriend, she feels unable to get out of the relationship, and from what she has told me he is controlling, jealous, suspicious, covetous, aggressive and recently they have been having fights. There is mild physical abuse, and he needs to know who is emailing her, who is ringing, what time she will be home, where she is, etc. He doesn't show public affection to her and acts like he is embarrassed of her in public, in general she is not happy in the relationship. When I told her she was beautiful, she kept thinking I was kidding. Her bf would never do that. She has very low confidence and is so insecure...

But we have been here before. There is a pattern of bullying in her life (from school and two previous relationships) and this is the continuation. Can someone be "rescued" from this pattern, or is it somehow necessary in their lives? I really feel for her and like her... we have really clicked and get on so well.. yet deep down I have a sense that she will not leave her boyfriend. I have already assured her that I will be there if she does leave, and she won't be on the shelf for more than a few seconds... but she is filled with fear, and I don't know if she will do anything.

She has even said she may stop going to the college clubs, as it adds to her independance of her bf, and this apparently is what makes him mad (she was shaking with fear and deeply upset one day when she thought he saw some emails from me) . He wants her to be totally dependant on him. He has locked her in the house before as well. I don't know if she believes me when I say I would love to go out with her, and would be really happy to have her in my life.

And still I maintain, nothing has happened between us, yet her bf is contantly treating her like a criminal and he doesn't trust her at all.

Any advice?

breadmonkey · 29-11-2005 06:45PM

She has to get away from that guy, end of story. Does she have any brothers per chance? What kind of guy are we talking about here? To be brutal, is he a scummer? (I dont care if anyone slates me for this question).

Binomate · 29-11-2005 06:48PM

Move on with your life, she's taken.

madisona · 29-11-2005 06:48PM

she might like you as a friend but she is not physically attracted to "nice" guys. she will stay with her current boyfriend and even if she finishes with him or visa versa she will look for someone who is similarly abusive.

btw funny that you critize the boyfriend for not trusting her but still want to shag her behind his back.

Dagon · 29-11-2005 07:09PM

The point is, yes, she is physically attracted to me. There were a few times when I know I could have kissed her. In fact, she asked me could she kiss me, and I basically said it would depend on whether she is single or not. If not, it would only cause more trouble.

"To be brutal, is he a scummer?"

Could be. He's the kind that hits someone a punch in the face during football in a rage after falling down (blaming it on said guy).

smiles · 29-11-2005 07:25PM

You say he doesn't trust her. Also you say she wants to kiss you.
Seems he's right.

Who wants a girlfriend who will willingly cheat on her boyfriend?

Nevyn · 29-11-2005 07:32PM

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

madisona · 29-11-2005 07:33PM

indeed. does she want you to fight him? tell her she should make up her mind who she wants to be with. Are you sure that she does not just want you as a platonic pal.

If I were you I would refuse to let her talk about her boyfriend to you. Do you think he would tolerate her talking to him about you? If you let the situation continue as it is you will lose her respect and any chance you have of winning her.

kjt · 29-11-2005 07:41PM

Thaedydal wrote:

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

I'm not sure about that now... If she uses him as an excuse he could come looking for you.
I'd give her some space and time to get away from him in her own way and then she'll come running into your open arms

Hope it all works out

Gone West · 29-11-2005 07:45PM

Tell her brothers or father about it.
Even if you have to go behind her back, it has to be done.
She will forgive you for it in the end.
If theres physical violence against her, something has to be done. If she is unable to get out of the relationship herself, she will need help before this guy ruins her life. She has allready developed complexes allready from this, it seems.

Nevyn · 29-11-2005 07:47PM

She should not need a guy her father brother potential boyfirend to stand up
to him for her, she needs to do it herself.

Miguel_Sanchez · 29-11-2005 07:50PM

Everyone seems to be being pretty harsh on the girl in this situation.

From my reading of the OP's post I'd have to say that yes she likes the OP and if she was stronger would have long ago broken up with her boyfriend. Yes she wants to cheat on her boyfriend but this is due to the way he treats her. I would tread very carefully if I was the OP - he should help her get out of the relationship but it is probably a bad idea for her to jump straight into another.

Dagon · 29-11-2005 07:53PM

"Are you sure that she does not just want you as a platonic pal."

Yeah, pretty sure about that one mate! I don't think this is your typical nice-guy vs. asshole argument. He's not an asshole, he's an anti-social and abusive man. And I ain't no nice-guy

Also, it is mild physical violence- as in she doesn't even consider it violent. Like twisting her arm to get info, or knocking her out of the bed, or throwing the tv remote at her, etc. But I'd say it could escalate.

I agree, she has to stop talking about how bad things are at this point, and do something. I do think it was important for her to talk about it to me though, because I'm the first person she has even told about how bad it is. And only now she realises that it's not on, and she is not happy with this.

I don't know if telling her parents about the bf is best, according to her they think the sun shines out of his behind!

Dagon · 29-11-2005 07:55PM

"I would tread very carefully if I was the OP - he should help her get out of the relationship but it is probably a bad idea for her to jump straight into another."

That is true. She probably needs some space, not another full on relationship. But right now she is mad for me... and also confused about her feelings cos I feel deep down she still loves her bf in some way, despite all the fear and dread of going home to him.

Crucifix · 29-11-2005 08:01PM

Forget that you fancy her, and just try to help her out as a friend/fellow human being.

daRobot · 29-11-2005 08:11PM

This one has messy written all over it.

It also sounds like that if she does leave him, you and her will have big problems if you get together when the current bf finds out.

I think you need to assess how much of a nasty c*nt this guy is before you try to take things any further, and see if you're prepared for the pontential bag of sh1t that's coming your way.

Restraining order is also possible, so thats an option.

Dagon · 29-11-2005 08:19PM

Thanks guys.. yes, that did cross my mind. I mean, the guy apparently broke his mobile phone in two once night when he found out she had arranged to meet me for a chat.

Better be careful. Don't want to have to use my martial arts training in such a negative way!

padser · 29-11-2005 09:44PM

Dagon wrote:

Also, it is mild physical violence- as in she doesn't even consider it violent. Like twisting her arm to get info, or knocking her out of the bed, or throwing the tv remote at her, etc. But I'd say it could escalate.

If its only 'mild physical violence' and from your message the biggest problem is the controlingness etc.....why did you title the thread ' Girl i really fancy has abusive Boyfriend'. Was this just for the shock value? The OP including the title reads like a tabloid newspaper.

chump · 29-11-2005 09:58PM

I'm afraid it's not your place to step in. IMO
You say she has a history of this kind of behaviour and blah blah.

The behaviour she is demonstrating is that she is submissive and get's into situations where she allows her life be controlled.
Now she wants you to take control of the situation somehow and free her from it? Maybe she isn't saying it directly but here you are...

It's a sad story no doubt.

On a personal level I don't see how you can actually be attracted to a girl in this pitiful situation, and you yourself would admit that you feel sorry for you. I don't think pity is a good place to start a relationship.

The girl needs to start shovelling her own sh!t into the gutter and take control of her own life. She needs to stop whinging to you.

If she really wanted to extricate herself from this cycle of patheticness she has running through her life, she can.

Nevyn · 29-11-2005 09:59PM

there are many forms of abuse physical, mental, sexual and emotional.
Padser such comments are off topic
Do read the charter
have a nice day
Thaedydal

underpantsgirl · 29-11-2005 10:10PM

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

Nasty_Girl · 29-11-2005 10:20PM

underpantsgirl wrote:

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

I dunno it can take time for some people to really realise the person won't change, especially when they are young.

However a word of caution to the OP,
I have come across many MANY girls from school work etc that use the "my boyfriend is a dickhead" line to justify cheating (I know nothing has happened between ye...yet)
although, from your description of her she seems genuinely frightened so that may not be the case.

If she really wants you she'll dump him.
Steer clear or just be a friend.
If she's been bullied in school then somewhere inside she'll learn that she has to get away from this guy and she is the only one who can make that happen.

if you do anything while she's with him, you could face terrible trust issues down the line as well

FoXXy · 29-11-2005 10:31PM

wow this is a messy one and frankly some of the peoples responses seem far too rash or onesided.
going on what you've said about her it does seem that she just needs to get away from him. but i think you should talk to her about that, about getting herself free of him and time to be on her own and be independant. leaving him to go for you is a bit rushed i think. when she leaves him she'll need to sort her head out and see whether she really does want you in her life romantically... not saying that she wont, but if a girl needs help its very easy to turn on the charm to get it!
i say the best of luck to you but tell her what needs to be done and then leave her to it for a while

cournioni · 30-11-2005 10:14AM

Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel about the situation.

WhiteWashMan · 30-11-2005 10:26AM

Thaedydal wrote:

The only person who can get her out of her current relationship is herself.
The best ting you can do is not let her use you as an excuse, let her finished with him and then start a relationship with you .

those are exactly the two things i thought when i read that.

the only person that can get her out of her situation is herself.
she needs to do it herself before she can move on, and not have the OP as a crutch.

Dagon · 30-11-2005 02:01PM

"Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel about the situation."

I have done, at length. But she is confused and unable to help herself. But you guys are right, it is up to her now.

Padser, as Thaedydal said; the word "abuse" does not mean punching and kicking someone into submission. It could be as mild as undermining someone at their job, singling someone out and regularly making snide remarks, embarassing or humiliating someone in public or antagonising someone psychologically.

So in fact, your post wasn't too far from mildly abusive padser. Although I'll let you away with it

As for everyone else, thanks for all the advice. It has helped me to get more perspective on the situation. I've said what I can, it's up to her now.

LegacyUser · 30-11-2005 07:55PM

underpantsgirl wrote:

twisting her arm and throwing a tv remote is more than enough if she had any cop on she would have left him ages ago

I am (was) in the exact same position as this girl and this petty violence to me is like water off a ducks back at this stage. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and a couple of months ago I fell absolutely head over heels in love with this other bloke. Sounds so similar to your situation, at first I was telling him about the problems and how my boyf used to humiliate me and throw stuff and basically I was feeling sorry for myself and needed someone to show me affection and reassure me that he liked me and he would be there if anything did happen. Things got worse with the boyf and the more I grew to have serious feelings for the other guy the more I knew I didn't love my boyf and wanted to be with this other guy.
I ended up kissing him a couple of times and when we were ever together all I wanted was to be with him (even though he is about 500 miles away!) until my boyfriend found out that I kissed him. Thank God my boyf is the sensible kind that wouldn't go and kill the guy his gf kissed- I admitted it that I had kissed him, he asked me why I did it and I told him I wanted to kiss him. Straight up, no messing no excuses, just I wanted to kiss him. And his reply was I forgive you. He didn't go mad he just said I know things haven't been great lately and I don't blame you, if you promise to never do it again I'll forgive you and we can get get back to normal cause I love you more than anything and I don't want to lose you. I mean WTF!!!!! I didn't focking ask him for forgiveness I wanted him to focking dump me?
Anyway the reason I am writing this is to show you a little example of what you could be up against with this girls boyf. I mean she more than likely does love him even though she wants to have her way with you- but as long as he says things to her like my boyfriend says to me "don't want to lose you" all this crack, she ain't gonna leave him.
Anyway, when the "other guy" realised what was happening (he realised that I wasn't going to leave my boyf before I realised it) he gave up and more or less stopped contact and I was gutted but he just wouldn't have it anymore. I still think that if had have held on a bit sooner instead of given up, I would be with him now instead of being stuck in a mildly abusive relationship.
OP just be careful and if you really think that you and this girl could have something, don't let go of it because if she feels the way I felt she will be needing you right now. Give her all the support that you can give and I wish you the best of luck.

Dagon · 01-12-2005 02:46PM

Thanks Chicken. I knew there would be someone out there who had experienced something similar.

I want to help her, but I'm not sure what I can do. ANy time I meet her, she seems a bit overwhelmed by her feelings for me, and they come flooding back. She wants to kiss me, etc. and I don't know what to do. And then I think she gets really low when she has to go back to the bf, and she longs to be with me, although she is confused cos she still loves him.

That is why I'm now backing off a bit, and I've told her she needs to get some space for herself, and get away from the bf. He has started staying at a mates house recently to give her more space (to prevent her from staying at her mates really, cos she was going to) so maybe he realises he could lose her.

She can't eat or sleep either, and was got sick yesterday. I was worried and told her to go to the nurse. The nurse says it's a stomach bug or possibly also from stress or tension. It seems to me that it's more likely from all the stress and agony she is going through at the hands of her bf. I wish she would just get out of there...

Don't really know how to proceed tbh...

Sleepy · 01-12-2005 03:00PM

Tell her if she wants you, you're available from a couple of months after she breaks up with the boyfriend. Balls in her court then, there'll have been enough of a gap for her to have some level of independence between the two relationships and there might be a hope for you two.

And to the people telling the OP to butt out, have a think about what kind of person you are if you believe it's okay to allow guys to mistreat their girlfriends as if the fact they have a relationship with a girl makes her their property. Abuse your partner and you have no right to that relationship or your partner's loyalty.

Red Alert · 01-12-2005 03:35PM

let her finish with him first and support her as a friend and that only during this. the fact that they're living together does make this situation awkward or not impossible. if they're sharing somewhere, it'll be in one or both names - if it's his, then what i'd really say is pack up and leave to make the point clear. easier said than done, if it's hers then it won't even be that simple.

she probably is living in fear of the reaction that anything she does might produce. in order to be able to do this she needs to feel safe. do you know any of her other mates? could she move in on yours/someone else's couch for a while?

avoid anything other than a good strong friendship for now, her feelings (and yours) might change when the b/f disappears.

Amazotheamazing · 01-12-2005 06:38PM

Personally I think you want to be the Enrique Iglesias "let me be your hero" type guy and you get a huge kick of her confiding in you. Frankly I'd say you yourself are too close to the situation to help her.
I often think that everyone has this kind of person they can go to to complain about things, to make them feel more attactive/wanted/desired, and if you are that person for her, you can't really be objective about what she's saying to you, since you'll only ever hear one side of the story.

The last thing she needs now is a new relationship, particulary if she has a pattern of going for the "wrong" guys. She needs to develop as a person, to work out what she wants, and in my experience, that's best done while single.

Frankly, I'd strongly advise that all you should be is a good friend to her, esp if she breaks up with the abusive guy. You have to remember that even when she is single she might forever associate you with all the bad feeling and confusion she shared with you, and that's no way to start a relationship.

Course, if you just want a one night thing, no amount of advice will convince you (or any guy) that it's a bad thing.

Girl I really fancy has an abusive boyfriend

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