So she tells you that she loves you...

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 7:42am #1

... and you tell her the honest truth, that you're not sure if you're in love with her, but that you need to know her better to find out (perhaps this is an easy way of saying that you don't think that you love her, but that's another question).

Happened me recently, my gf, who I like a lot and care about lots, told me the ILY story. She gave me a chance to stop her, which in hindsight I should have taken (20/20 vision that) - but I'm not the cleverest of people in these regards and let her continue, suspecting what she was going to say, and knowing that I could do nothing but tell her the truth in response.

So the end result was her in tears, saying that she felt "foolish" for telling me, also saying she suspected my answer.

I feel pretty bad about this, I really messed up and made her feel terrible. At the same time I told her the truth (in the nicest way possible, but that doesnt help), I couldn't do otherwise.

We're not living together, thinking about it, going out for 4 months now, and live in different parts of the country which makes it tough, I won't see her til the weekend now.

What the hell do I do? What can I say? I feel awful about this.

TIA.

Ruaidhri · 25-06-2002 8:53am

smells like emotional blackmail mate

the only thing you should do is stick to YOUR feelings and dont let yourself be bullied into something you dont want

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 9:01am

Originally posted by Ruaidhri
smells like emotional blackmail mate

the only thing you should do is stick to YOUR feelings and dont let yourself be bullied into something you dont want

I don't think it's blackmail - she's not trying to get me to do anything, and she is glad I told her the truth, but it still hurts her. She's not trying to make me feel bad, but unfortunately I do anyway.

I am not letting myself be bullied by her, but at the same time I feel bad myself, see what I mean? Thanks for the input.

Beruthiel · 25-06-2002 9:19am

it's quite simple, tell her you are in unfamiliar territory, that you are trying to work out exactly what love is, that you have very strong feeling towards her, but it's early days yet, and until you are 100% sure of what it is that you are feeling, could she please bare with you, because at least when you eventually say it to her, she will know that you are not bullsh*tting her.
some may say it's a cop out, but I would prefer to wait until some one is ready than hear a line that may not be true.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 9:22am

Its always hard. Better telling her now than a year down the line. Its easy to just stay together because you dont want to hurt her. You did the right thing. Just give her a bit of time to work it out for herself. If you dont and wont love her, just end it now. It'll be the best for both of you in the end.

Baz_ · 25-06-2002 10:12am

Originally posted by Unregistered
Its always hard. Better telling her now than a year down the line. Its easy to just stay together because you dont want to hurt her. You did the right thing. Just give her a bit of time to work it out for herself. If you dont and wont love her, just end it now. It'll be the best for both of you in the end.

That outcome wasnt even implied, thats some leap of thought to make.

Anyway Beruthiel put it perfectly, apart from leaving out the word not in one of her sentences.

elexes · 25-06-2002 10:17am

i rember telling one of my gf's i thought i loved her after a while just cause i was bored and thought she might like it and would improve the sex . it worked tho . actually told a few of them that .

another a while ago who i did respect etc.. told me she loved me i just responded with ( ive shortened it down a lot it took a hr to explain and i aint wrighting all that out ) ive been hurt to many times in the past i dont know how i feel yet or even if i will ever love you but i do like you and like you now in the future who knows whats going to happen .

she was a bit dissapointed but did understand that what had happened to me was the true .

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 3:05pm

Originally posted by elexes
i rember telling one of my gf's i thought i loved her after a while just cause i was bored and thought she might like it and would improve the sex . it worked tho . actually told a few of them that

[edit: don't call names. If you dont like what he says then disargee like you did below, thank you. ]

You obviously don't even know what love is, and with an attitude like yours I hope you never do! I've only ever been truly in love with only one guy and I certainly wouldn't bandy about the phrase 'I love you' just in the hope of getting someone in the sack.

[no name-calling]

<< Fio >>

Ruaidhri · 25-06-2002 3:11pm

You obviously don't even know what love is, and with an attitude like yours I hope you never do! I've only ever been truly in love with only one guy and I certainly wouldn't bandy about the phrase 'I love you' just in the hope of getting someone in the sack.

eth0_ , i'm not going to defend his comment BUT i've seen women do worse than this JUST for sex. In fact thinking of it now i can say that(in my experiance)women would lie for sex before men(w/o alcohol)

[edit: name calling removed from the quote]

Beruthiel · 25-06-2002 3:12pm

thanks Baz

fixed it

darthmise · 25-06-2002 3:21pm

Just trying to get my head around that post from Elexes!

You say YOU LIED to a few girlfriends that you loved them and then told the current girlfriend that you couldn't tell her you loved her because YOU had been hurt too many times before, and that she eventually realised that it was the TRUTH!?!?!?

Have i got that right??
Correct me if I'm wrong...

elexes · 25-06-2002 3:30pm

get to know me im a lot weirder . yes telling them dose give them a boost dono why just dose btw did it matter then when i told her that she was also cheating on me at the same time ... dont think it did i didnt care . did improve sex that night was fun . dont reely care what u think of me u dont even know me or what my past experience has been .

dathmise think you do have it wrong . ill explain it to you some time over a pint or in irc .

in short loved 1 lost 1 betrayed by 1 longest relationship almost 3 years .

could it be the same person ?

darthmise · 25-06-2002 3:55pm

I'm sorry elexes but i can't make head nor tail of anything your posting. I'm not trying to be funny because it pisses me off when people correct other peoples grammar on the net, it's childish carry on, but i have no idea what you are trying to say.
You could try again but i don't think it'll do any good. I don't think i'm all that intrested in your explanation anyway...

Back to the topic, i think the only thing you can do is to be honest with yourself. If you know you don't love this person, and if you carry on regardless, then you are only fooling yourself.
I'm in the exact same situation at the moment, with a girl who finds it hard to open up, but that wasn't important because we were only a casual thing up to now, bu now i can feel her beginning to commit and i want out. I don't want to hurt her but thats inevitable at this stage. Its a ****ty situation to be in.

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 4:26pm

True. A woman will usually know when a man is lying to her when he tells her he loves her.

And you seem as transparent as a pane of glass, Elexes, so i'm sure the sex was only better in your mind.

elexes · 25-06-2002 4:32pm

Originally posted by eth0_
True. A woman will usually know when a man is lying to her when he tells her he loves her.

And you seem as transparent as a pane of glass, Elexes, so i'm sure the sex was only better in your mind.

you could be right there

SYL · 25-06-2002 4:35pm

I don't think that whether a woman knows a guy is lying or not is the issue here - this guy is genuinely cheesed off. If you ask me, unregistered guy, I think you did the right thing. You did her a favour by telling her the truth, you did yourself a favour by being true to yourself and you are keeping the playing-field open, so that she knows where ye both stand with each other. Personally, when a girl tells me she loves me, its quite unnerving for a while. To change the subject slightly, one of the reasons I really liked the spiderman movie was for the last line he says in the film to Mary Jane, after she tells him she loves him. "I'll always be there, I'll always be.....your friend. Thats all I have to give". In essence, if you can't love a girl, level with her and tell her so.
Or alternatively, if you're the sadistic type, you could just string her along for a while, demean her in every possible way, and then kick her to the kerb.
Your choice buddy!!!!!

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 4:44pm

Yeah, I didn't say unregistered guy (and there's so many of them out there) did the *wrong* thing, I'd just like to know exactly what he said....I mean personally I could accept it if they said they couldn't say it yet...peoples emotions work at different speeds don't they. But It does depend on the tact with which you said you don't feel the same way

At least unreg didn't say it first without meaning it, like a certain snake on this thread! *cough*elexes*cough*

SYL · 25-06-2002 4:57pm

Without wanting to sound like a $hithead here, you do what you have to do to get the job done. Elexes wanted a better ride, so he told the girl(s) he loved them....and it worked......end of story. Who wants to play by the rules anyway.

Mr Dictionary · 25-06-2002 5:50pm

Ahh love, a torrid brobdingnagian extant. Your trepidation remains requisitly comestible. A raucous sobriquet of an insouciant and colloquial, although quite gregarious may offer you a jovial and evanescent quotidian.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 5:57pm

Thanks for the opinions guys, couple of responses:

SYL: Unfortunately, I'm not the sadistic type, if I was that would make things very easy for me right now

Elexes: Fortunately, you are the sadistic type, I hope your relationships are as easy and un-caring as you want them to be.

Other unreg'd: I don't know what I said in my original post, but you are so far off the mark you're not even on the same continent.

Originally posted by eth0_
I'd just like to know exactly what he said....I mean personally I could accept it if they said they couldn't say it yet...peoples emotions work at different speeds don't they. But It does depend on the tact with which you said you don't feel the same way

Hi eth0_,

Basically I listened to her tell me that she loved me, then in the least hurtful way possible, I told her that I didn't know yet if I did love her but that that didn't mean that I did not.

More info: She's thinking about moving a significant distance accross the country to live with me. We've been going out for 4 months but it's been difficult because of distance. I'd like to try living with her to see how compatible we are, but I'm obviously unsure of things.

I do not hold the opinion that if you do not know if you love someone, then you obviously do not - it's patent bs. I think it can grow, and I just want to give it a chance and see, but without telling any lies or misleading ourselves.

Your input is appreciated guys (even you Elexes, you make me feel better

).

Unreg Guy.

Samson · 25-06-2002 5:59pm

Originally posted by Mr Dictionary
Ahh love, a torrid brobdingnagian extant. Your trepidation remains requisitly comestible. A raucous sobriquet of an insouciant and colloquial, although quite gregarious may offer you a jovial and evanescent quotidian.

I wonder if Typedef has discovered the wonders of a trolling account ?

WhiteWashMan · 25-06-2002 6:39pm

why in the name of god would you move in with someone after 4 months, let alone if you didnt love her.

are you mad sir?

you may not love her, but i think you should sit down and think about where you think your relationship is going.
she may just have reached the next stage before you.
sit her down and discuss where she thinks the relationship is going, what you both would like to gain from the relationship, and do you both see your selves together in a years time.

and you both have to be brutally honest?

do you really want to be togther, or are you just hangin onto her becuase you are waiting for something better?
is she moving to be with you becuase shes afraid of being alone?
do you think you can love her?
have you ever loved before?
have you lived with somene before?
has she?

to be honest, i think the fact that you post here shows how incredibly uncertain you are about the whole issue.

form personal experience, i will never do anything that i was 100% behind and 110% happy with.
i will never do something just becuase it makes my partner happy while i am unhappy about it.

but mostly, relationships are about building a life with someone, and the most important thing in a relationship is honesty.
without that, there is no trust, and without that there is no love and no relationship that will last.
talk to each other.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 8:11pm

Hi WhiteWashMan,

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
why in the name of god would you move in with someone after 4 months, let alone if you didnt love her.

She's thinking about moving a significant distance accross the country to live with me. We've been going out for 4 months but it's been difficult because of distance. I'd like to try living with her to see how compatible we are, but I'm obviously unsure of things.

We could move in with each other because we are very compatible and care a lot for each other, and don't see each other often enough as is.

Where did I say that I didn't love her? Did you read the posts? I just said that I wasn't certain that I did.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
are you mad sir?

Depends on your definition. I talk to myself sometimes but I don't believe that's really a sign of madness.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
you may not love her,

(Maybe he did read the posts)

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
but i think you should sit down and think about where you think your relationship is going.

Preaching to the choir, I/we've done nothing but that lately.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
she may just have reached the next stage before you.

I think that might well be the case.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
sit her down and discuss where she thinks the relationship is going, what you both would like to gain from the relationship,

Yeah, that's what got me to here so far (it's still good advice).

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
and do you both see your selves together in a years time.

Good advice. We hadn't talked about it very much, and certainly not so bluntly. We both admitted that we were scared of thinking about the long-term future, and we put it off. Perhaps we need to revisit this. Thanks.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
and you both have to be brutally honest?

True.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
do you really want to be togther, or are you just hangin onto her becuase you are waiting for something better?

I'm certainly not waiting for any reason.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
is she moving to be with you becuase shes afraid of being alone?

No, she's 100% certain definitely in love with me, I have no doubt as to her motivation.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
do you think you can love her?

Yes, I think so. But I don't think that I am quick to love.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
have you ever loved before?
have you lived with somene before?
has she?

No, no and no.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
to be honest, i think the fact that you post here shows how incredibly uncertain you are about the whole issue.

Absolutely, spot on, that's the whole idea of posting.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
form personal experience, i will never do anything that i was 100% behind and 110% happy with.
i will never do something just becuase it makes my partner happy while i am unhappy about it.

I'm right there, teetering on the end of uncertainty, not knowing what's the right thing to do. As yet I have not done anything that I am not 100% behind, and hopefully I dont.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
but mostly, relationships are about building a life with someone, and the most important thing in a relationship is honesty.
without that, there is no trust, and without that there is no love and no relationship that will last

Agreed. We've been completely honest with each other so far, and definitely trust each other. I'm just a bit slow on the love side of things.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
talk to each other.

Good advice.

Thanks a lot for your opinion.
Unreg Guy.

Khynareth · 26-06-2002 12:24pm

Originally posted by Beruthiel
it's quite simple, tell her you are in unfamiliar territory, that you are trying to work out exactly what love is, that you have very strong feeling towards her, but it's early days yet, and until you are 100% sure of what it is that you are feeling,

Many thanks, I never thought of that one, but your putting into words something that has been bothering me for a while

Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

Beruthiel · 26-06-2002 12:53pm

Originally posted by Khynareth
Many thanks, I never thought of that one, but your putting into words something that has been bothering me for a while

Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

welcome, you are, young Padawan - use it for good purposes only

smiles · 26-06-2002 8:21pm

Okay, personally i dont argee with what elexes did, but i try not to judge people based on what they say here, there's more than just that brief moment of his life he told us about, and i'm sure some of ye here have done stuff thats worse than that.

As for women lying for sex? yup. they do, it's that simple. so do men (shock horror -- nearly as ridiculous as the so called "female orgasm").

Don't lie to her, she might or she might not be able to tell. Either way, you'll probably feel bad about me.

/me is on a kinda a karma buzz atm.

<< Fio >>

TacT · 26-06-2002 9:31pm

If someone tells you they love you after 3/4months of going out with each other (unless you've known each other all your lives) I suspect she is only afraid of losing you and being alone or she wants some more security in the relationship.

I sense a mild case of "please don't leave me I'll be all alone in the big bad world"

Last time a girl told me she loved me after 3 months seeing her I just stopped, looked at her, my jaw literally dropped and I could see straight through it.

There may be such thing as love at first sight but this good sir is absolute nonsense, 3 months is nothing in a relationship, hell you haven't even been away travelling together/lived together, sounds to me like she doesn't know what love is. If she really loves you she'll have no problem waiting 5 years to move in with you

Sorry if it seems mean but I fear you have yourself a clingon, engage the warp 6 and get the hell out of there

WhiteWashMan · 27-06-2002 9:35am

Originally posted by tactical anni
If someone tells you they love you after 3/4months of going out with each other (unless you've known each other all your lives) I suspect she is only afraid of losing you and being alone or she wants some more security in the relationship.

no i totally disagre.
some people do fall in love quicker than others.
i am one fo those people who do it.
i dont see anything wrong with it.
i dont apologise for it, and i sure as hell dont need someone to tell me that the way i feel after a short time is rubbish.

there are many things that will draw someone to another person, and not al of them are negative. not every one is a clinging, needy, high maintenance, lonely person.

there are actually people who just connect.

darthmise · 27-06-2002 10:22am

Originally posted by tactical anni

sounds to me like she doesn't know what love is.

HOw can you make that assumption?!?

You are totally basing your theory on the girl you knew. She is not indicitave of all women, and is not THE RULE that states that a women can't say 'i love you' within three months.

I think YOU found yourself a clingon. By all means tell us your story, but don't make it the benchmark for all relationships.

I agree totally with White wash man. I fell in love with a girl before i got to be with her so if you could give me a star trek analogy for that one i'd appreciate it.

And I think he's already stated that he has no doubt about how strongly she feels fo rhim, the question is does he feel the same.

Unreg guy,
My only advice is as soon as you know let her know.

TacT · 27-06-2002 12:30pm

imho if it's true love you'll both know, there won't be one of you "out there", fair enough, my comments were biased due to one or two bad experiences in the past thus it seems silly/wrong to you. If you were both in love after 3 months then I'm sure you would have had no problem in telling her, it's more the fact that you don't know how to respond which makes me believe you are not in love. If you were you would know all about it, I have been before and all I can say is it works both ways. Thus if you were in love you would have responded in kind immediately which brings me to the conclusion that you are not in love.

I never made that one relationship the "benchmark" for the rest of my relationships. Although sometimes it's a hard thing to do

and I have done it once in the past.

Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could, but if/when I do I'll be sure to tell you all about it

The problem I have with this is of course is that you have all the time in the world and instead of going about things in a relaxed/sensible manner it seems to me that confessing something so deep requires more time, don't make me play the I'll say what I want card

it's only a point of view and my opinion yadeeya etc. My opinion on it is that if you confess you love someone after 3 months you are rushing things for one reason or another......

Darth mise - I make that assumption because I can

just a guess in the dark, nothing more. If you don't like what I'm saying then use your ignore button, I didn't ask you to like it and how do you know this girl does really love him anyway?

We're not the people to be asking about this because as you can see we all have our views etc based on past experiences, even though others have difficulty accepting them and the way that they have made us.

I also never said every person was needy/clingon etc wwm it was just a suggestion such as the rest of them made before me, for all I care my advice can go pissing into the wind and so be it. Now you're all making silly assumptions about me and my love life due to my responses, why don't you just give the guy advice and let him do what he will with it

I also never said there weren't people that didn't connect....and I have done in the past (literally love at first sight) but it took me a year before I confessed my love to her...

WhiteWashMan · 27-06-2002 2:18pm

Originally posted by tactical anni
imho if it's true love you'll both know, there won't be one of you "out there", fair enough, my comments were biased due to one or two bad experiences in the past thus it seems silly/wrong to you. If you were both in love after 3 months then I'm sure you would have had no problem in telling her, it's more the fact that you don't know how to respond which makes me believe you are not in love. If you were you would know all about it, I have been before and all I can say is it works both ways. Thus if you were in love you would have responded in kind immediately which brings me to the conclusion that you are not in love.

i agree, if you are in love you will know it.
no point continuing this line...

Originally posted by tactical anni

I never made that one relationship the "benchmark" for the rest of my relationships. Although sometimes it's a hard thing to do and I have done it once in the past.

but it does seem as though that is what you base your advice on?
and is benchmark as such.
you havent given an alternative.

Originally posted by tactical anni
Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could, but if/when I do I'll be sure to tell you all about it
The problem I have with this is of course is that you have all the time in the world and instead of going about things in a relaxed/sensible manner it seems to me that confessing something so deep requires more time, don't make me play the I'll say what I want card it's only a point of view and my opinion yadeeya etc. My opinion on it is that if you confess you love someone after 3 months you are rushing things for one reason or another......

i have never ever told anyone that they cant post wat they want.
but dont assume that becuase you take the safe route into a relationship that others dont.
personally im a go and get it person. i throw myself into relationships and i enjoy myself. i dont sit back and think of every move and say to myself 'well, you know i love this girl, but its only been three months. i should wait at least a year before i tell her i love her'
hell, bugger that!
if i wake up one day and discover that i think about her from the moment of waking to the moment i sleep, if i dream about her, if i want to text her or mail her or phone her becuase i want contact with her, if i want spend my free time with her, if i talk to her and she talks to me and we get on wonderfully and we enjoy each other physically, then yes, i will tell that girl that im in love with her. becuase to me thats what love is. to me love is wanting to be with someone. they are the first person i want to share news with. they are the one i want to say goodnight to and the one i want to kiss in the morning when i wake up. they are the one i want to tell my life to and the one i want to learn about. thay are the one i want to make smile and laugh, and when they are sad, i want to take away the pain, beucase making them happy is the most important thing to me. i want that person to let me help when they are low, and the person who will carry me when i am daown. this is the person i love.
and i dont nessecarily think you need to know someone for a certain persiod of time before you can decide. i dont have a check box list that i tick of and if theres enough ticks, its time.
i just know.
i have only fallen in love 3 times. im 28. i think i know when im with someone tht i love. and all of them have been within 2 months of meeting. thats just me.

and i like it. and i like me, so im not worried about rushing anything. i will say it. and lets face it, if you feel the above from someone you are going to get it back, you will know if someone loves you back.

Originally posted by tactical anni
I also never said every person was needy/clingon etc wwm it was just a suggestion such as the rest of them made before me, for all I care my advice can go pissing into the wind and so be it. Now you're all making silly assumptions about me and my love life due to my responses, why don't you just give the guy advice and let him do what he will with it

youre entire post was made up of cling-on references. i made no assumptions about you love life. in fact i didnt mention it at all.
i mearly disagreed and said that not everyone was like that. your mail indicated that you did. and if read the thread you will find that yes, i did give some advice, and yes, i did warn about needy clingy people.
you didnt give advice, you gave a small story about your previous love life and now we know how you feel about love.
great.
now, whats your point?

Originally posted by tactical anni
I also never said there weren't people that didn't connect....and I have done in the past (literally love at first sight) but it took me a year before I confessed my love to her...

you never said but you never didnt either.
dont try and wriggle out of it that easy.

and if youve had love at first sight, then why the problem with admitting it?
are you afraid of your own feelings?
or are you afraid of her rejection?
classic signs of a clingy needy person right there.....................

So she tells you that she loves you...

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