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Trust

  • 19-06-2002 7:13pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    OK, where to start.....

    there is a guy, [obviously!!!!!] call him Jake, and jake has a relationship with a girl who is single.

    after some weeks after getting along so well she gets a message from a supposed friend of Jakes saying "he will not give up what he has for her"

    then she receives a call from Jakes Mom telling her he has a g/f and 2 kids.

    she is gutted and they dont speak again for close to three weeks when a friend playing a prank gives her the phone to talk to him, they decided to meet and it all comes out.

    he has indeed a g/f for the last 12 years, hence i suspect making them common law husband and wife?

    he has two children aged 10 and 11. and he tells her he wants to leave the g/f for her.

    he said it wont be easy and he is worried about the children, but he wants to leave and be with the sinlge girl.

    is it possible to trust? trust again?

    he said the reason he kept his relationship and kids a secret was because he didnt think he would fall in love and when he did he didnt know how to break the news.

    any views, opinions would be great here.... i guess the question is

    does a leopard change his spots if he is with the right person?

    can he be trusted?

    how long do you give him to leave the g/f before you realise he is taking you for another ride?


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,745 swiss


    That is a tough decision to make, I hope the single girl is not you fi.

    In my opinion, the guy might well be trusted, but that to me is not the issue so much as the two children who face the prospect of parental instability when growing up. The desertion of their father to another woman would have distasterous consequences for the other girlfriend and hence the family as a whole. Yes, I know the people in question are not married, but when you have been with someone for that length of time and have the enormous responsibility of caring for children, everything should be done to keep the union, unless it is beyond reconciliation.

    You haven't mentioned ages, but I'm going to assume that the "girl" you mentioned is under 30 at most. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Unless she is deeply in love with the chap, I don't believe it is worth the very real possibility that the guy is lying, and the emotional damage that it would cause all concerned. If she is in love with the chap, I believe it would be difficult to be subjective in deciding whether or not the guy is sincere, in which case she has to decide whether or not the risk is worth the reward of happiness with this guy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    Jake is 33
    his 12 year g/f is 35 and the other woman is 36

    and yes she is in love with him and he doesnt love his g/f he said it was just habbit an teh days turned into years before he knew it.

    i think she will risk it as love doesnt come around the corner every day. i was worried about the trust thing, personally if i loose trust in soemoen taht is it i dont even give it time to see if i can get it back.

    only time will tell i guess. you only get one chance in this life nad only one thing is certain and that is we will die.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    does this girl truelly know jake?
    for all i see is uncertainy, and doubt, she knows what she wants but cant tell if he's a slimey liar....but it takes a a lot for a man to give up living with his children.....

    no i have seen people like jake cheat and move on to a better relationship, and stick to that relationship......and what of the future of this girls life?....jake has an enormous burden of a family still to support, will he want another family?,

    will he tire of single life and and to see more of his kids?.....


    there is a lot more to this story, that the girl or jake is telling you,

    if jake was in the same relationship with his former g/f, how much does he expect of his new one?

    of all the answers this girl seeks fi, its a two edged sowrd

    does he want a a very long term reltionship or does he want to use her, and only jake can answer that


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    how would he use her?
    what would be the use of that,

    the other end of this story is that althugh the girl he wishes to be with is single she does have children of her own and he has told her he loves them too.

    i am worried he will hurt her again but on his side is like what you have stated, "it would take alot for a man to give up full time life with his children"

    so on his defence she must mean something to him, buton the side of caution if he is willing to leave his own children behind for this other owman, he will just as easily leave the new girlfriend and her children if soemone better comes along.

    at the end of teh day only he knows the truth, i know the girl concerned and she is willing to give him the benifit of the doubt and go with her feelings.

    im just looking for some input also and so far it has been great thankyou


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,500 Mercury_Tilt


    This post has been deleted.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    yes maybe she is, aperently he offered no excuse for the 3 week silence. he said he coudnt face her and was ashamed and scared of her reaction to the news.

    as you ahve said only he knows the truth.

    only he knows what is real, and what he wants.

    i have seen people leave a relationship because they love someone else and it has been the best thing that ever happened, i am hopeing this is one of thoese cases, after all what sort of a man would give up living with his children if he REALLY didnt thiknk there was a real chance of it working. right?


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    Originally posted by Unregistered
    This is an interesting one
    I think to transmute Jake rodomontadely for her lubricious and troglodyte husband would impose a predilection malapropism of the problem. The compuncinate and rebarbative answer is to be ubiquitous about the prestidigitation leopard spots but not too unctuously for fear of vicissitude

    LOL say what?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,648 smiles


    Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
    Excuse me* for a mo Fi.

    /me breathes deep the acrid air of PI that me has been denied for errrr.... a few days.

    WOW! A relatively non-trolling post! Well done :)

    << Fio >>


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    Why the hell are my posts always deleted? Is my level of vocabulary too much for your pathetic little minds.


  • Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭ Gordon


    Yes, it is. I have moved them to the recycle bin.


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  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,946 BEAT


    well fi,
    it sounds like the man is having his cake and eating it too.
    I know it is hard to leave it alone cause i have been in a similar situation but I think if he were going to leave his g/f he would have done it by now, I think he was silent for 3 weeks cause the g/f probably got suspicous and accused him of something so he needed a bit of "down time" if you know what I mean. Now he is in the clear so back to cheating, I mean Fi, there is no way to know if he has done this before, and he probably has...really , i think there is no trusting this guy, he is out to use and abuse
    No one wants to hear these things, and usually doesnt take the advice anyway, they know what will happen really, but go through the sordid details anyway, so when it all folds I hope your friend is able to pick up the pieces again because that is what will most likely happen....sorry, just being realistic and speaking from not only my own past experiences but of those of people I have seen go through this as well, again and again.
    It's a sad thing really , I hate to see anyone have to go through it.
    Best of luck to your friend.;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    yes you are very right here, my friend has told me that she told him she will not be with him untill he does leave her, as we all know, no woman deserves to be second best, so she has put her foot down on this. he strangely agreed and said it wouldnt be right for them to be together and he told her he wouldnt be with her as it wouldnt be fair to her untill it is sorted out.

    i liked what you said about the down time... interesting i hadnt thought of it that way atall, see getting different view points can be very important. sometimes when you are too close to teh core you are unable to see anything.

    i know she will o with this one.... and she will probally get hurt, but the way she sees it it is worth the risk as love doesnt come knocking every day.

    i know she really loves him the big issue is does he really love her and will him leaving the g/f be enough to prove his love.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,099 WhiteWashMan


    fi,
    two things.

    1) would this fellow really give it all up for after a few weeks/months?
    i think its quiet dangerous to be with someone who will dump someone for someone else. after all, he could fall in love with someone else entirely just as easily.
    why cant he break up with his girlfriend?
    can you trust someone who is in a relationship they dont like and wont break up unless they have a conveyor belt of girlfriends to keep them company?

    2)is your friend sure she is in love?
    after all, she may just be lonely, and the need for affection and attention may be clouding her judgement. also, she is willing to actually hear him out after missing for 3 weeks and is willing to except no excuses or explanations. sorry, but its does smack a little of desperation.

    i hope your friend thinks hard about it.
    giving up one relationship for another isnt a good idea.
    you need to know why you are breaking up one relationship. you need to understand why that relationship is no longer what you need, and after 10 years, id expect there to either be a struggle to make it work, or a break up.

    if someone breaks up a relationship just to be with someone else, then id be very wary. you have to be sure in your own mind that there wont be any lingering connections. or does he just think hes in love becuase theres a bit of spice, new experiences etc. men often get bored in a relationship when sex becomes boring. being physical creatures they tend to need excitment and new things, hence the old problem of spicing up your sex life. if he is bored sexually, then the chances are he will think his relationship is boring. he may leave his partner and then realise that no, actually he does love her, he just needed a bit of a thril in the sack.

    anyway, thats my thoughts for what they are worth. most of this comes from recent experince by the way :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    yes it is a hell of a lot to think about.

    there are so many things to take into concideration.

    why cant life just be simple.. straightforward..... and clear if only this once.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,305 koneko


    If he really wanted to leave his girlfriend he would have done it already. He just doesn't want to be alone, so he's hopping from one person to another. Personally, I wouldn't trust someone like that. Even if he does feel for you/her the way he says, can you really be sure he won't do the same to you/her once he meets someone better?

    If he's been with the other person 12 years, it might seem like things are starting to drag. Once he's out of that relationship, he might realise what he gave up and go back. Or find someone new after a few months when the new gf starts to tire.

    I'd be very very wary.

    He might just want to have his cake and eat it too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,102 ✭✭✭ Tazz T


    I don't think 12 years with one person is really 'hopping from one person to another'. But I also feel a couple of months with a person is too short a time to make such a life-altering decision. She should get to know him and his full history more (has he done this type of thing before?). Having said that, that means dragging the situation out on his terms for another few months before making him commit by which time he may be comfortable with the best of both worlds.

    Tricky one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    well aperently she spent the afternoon with him today and they just talked, he told her he could leave the g/f without blinking but he cant give up his kids.

    my view was at least he is being honest.

    the end of it was he told her he would ring her tomorrow and she asked him why and he replied well who knows what might happen in a week, she was obviously upset and said good bye to him.

    i dont know if he will ring or not, or if he wil leave or not.... i wonder if he was to really miss her and know she is gone would he change his mind... for now acording to her its over and she wont be seeing him again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 897 Greenbean


    I strongly agree with WWM. Personally if in your friends situation I would avoid him at all cost. He's currently lying to his partner and attempting to break 12 year old bonds, hes going to let down children who rely on him in an important way and he started off by lying to your friend by keeping the partner secret until it was exposed. No doubt your friend will get the glossy side of his situation from him, but its important to look at the reality and think about the risk he is in comparison to a non-attached man.

    At the end of the day guys are very good at saying what girls want to hear, and girls are very good at believing it when they want to. Does she really think the children and bonds of a 12 year relationship will really go away? - the "other woman" will always have had more time and experiences with him. Does she think he won't find it easier to do the same dumping again to her after only one or two years?

    The odds that he just might be genuine, and that they might live happily ever after and that the other children and wife will become long-term friends or dissapear forever.... slim.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    Hmm I agree
    The approbation of trust with it's dishabille clerisy is certainly a ludic disquisition. Although, I feel the extemporaneous serendipity is another redoubtable and pernicious apprise. The hortatory issue of the dissimulate trust that exists between the histrionic conflagration is indeed a malversation


  • Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭ Gordon


    Which, translated roughly means...

    The approval of trust with its careless intellect is certainly a playful investigation.
    Although I feel that the spur-of-the-moment fortunate accident is more formidable and harmful advice. The encouragement issue of the pretending trust that exists between the melodramatic inferno is indeed a corrupt conduct.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 19,610 sceptre


    Originally posted by fi
    well aperently she spent the afternoon with him today and they just talked, he told her he could leave the g/f without blinking but he cant give up his kids.

    Fi, when they say "I'll leave her" they never do. Until they do.

    What I mean by that is: as a general rule, when a chap is in an extra-marital affair and says something like "I love you - I'll leave my wife", often this promise goes unfulfilled for years and years. They're always on the point of leaving their wife. When push comes to shove, they almost never do it, often using the children as an excuse. Most people, kids or not, are often most comfortable in their established relationship, even if it feels like hell on earth to them. They can let the relationship spin along for a long time while making these promises - hay, they always have the little wife to go back to.

    My father left my mother about two years ago. Not for another woman - he'd just had enough. The amount of flak he took from neighbours, the local clergy, other people who were "just trying to help", the local Garda sergeant (I kid thee not) was amazing. His theory was that to an extent, some other people who were friends with my parents could ignore the inadequacies in their own relationships if he just went home.

    It would have happened a lot earlier but for the children (my brother was 17 when it happened, three of us had left home before this (eight years before in my case)

    He may be telling the truth - that he believes the relationship is over. however, as long as he can't leave because of the children (assuming that's the truth, rather than just not really wanting to leave his wife or his home and financial security), the choice she has to make is either put up with having a relationship with a man who is married to a woman with whom he has children and is living with (which won't change in the near future - not for years if the primary reason is the children) or get out now. If the oath chosen is the latter, it'll get harder to make such a decision as time goes on. If the choice is the former, what kind of a relationship will she have with a married man who won't leave home?


  • Registered Users Posts: 596 fi


    well i think she has woken up and has ended this, but as i said he did say he would ring her tomorrow i dont understand why he is oing to do this when she told him no.

    but then again what eh says and doeas arent really related!!!


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