Story Board!!!!

Arrrr, 'twas a dark and stormy night.....

oh bugger it, I'll come back when I have it finished

For the past 25 years or more, the small Caribbean island of Banana Republic has been ruled by Rutiger Van Tartic Buttom, commonly known as El Presidente. He has developed a reputation as a cold, ineffectual leader driven only by his huge ego. His frequent stays at Rehab Clinics are well publicized in the world press, as are his brushes with the US administration, but he paints himself in a different shade, and here, in his first interview with the international press in over 20 years, award winning "HI!" Magazine writer and former Formula One team owner, Shane Reilly


talks to:


EL PRESIDENTE

The capital city of the Banana Republic, Arosa, is a testimony to the changes brought about in this country since he took control in the late 60's. Records show that when he took over, it was little more than a slum and ghetto. Now, those ghettos have been sizably reduced. The centre of the town is resplendent in it's Soviet funded buildings and this is where I met him, in a huge concrete palace on the outskirts of Arosa. His famous entourage, a drunken posse if you will, commanded that their great leader only be shown in the best possible light. This "HI!" MAGAZINE reporter wasn't going to argue. I was shown into a palatial office, quite suited to the palace it was situated in. El Presidente, as he likes to be known, and I began our interview, while we sipped some of the finest Bourbon available on the heavily embargoed island. His two closest assistants, General Mullen, and his Commander-in chief-Tracy hovered in the background.

SR: Good morning, El Presidente, how are you?

EP: Call me El Prez, call me El Prez my good son. I am quite delightful today, things are just "sweetie-pie," here in the Republic to use one of your Western sayings.

He laughs a great laugh that fills the leather and mahogany office. He is well dressed in a crisp, cream, Gucci, khaki suit. Upon his head rests a sun-hat and his appearance is of a healthy man, (certainly not one with his alleged cocaine habit,) enjoying his life.

SR: Let's get straight down to brass tacks El Prez. How do you feel about the U.N. Trade Embargo that has existed against your country for seven and a half years now?

EP: Well, Shane, the WESTERN INFIDELS ... no, no, what I mean to say, my good man, is that we are sure that this entire episode has been one big misunderstanding. We are committed here, to repairing and rebuilding our links with the outside world. We feel it's important that our people do not starve at the hands of rich nations. To begin with, the embargo was unexplained, and unjust, but we feel the time is right to sort this mess out.

SR: So, you don't begrudge America and her allies for so strictly enforcing the embargo?

EP: Well there'd be no point now would there, we just hope the blockade will be lifted and my people can get around to forgiving the American's ...

At this point General Mullen screamed out,

"FORGIVE THE AMERICAN DOGS, NEVER!!??!! YOU ALWAYS SUPPORTED GENOCIDE OF THE LOUSE AND NOW YOU BACK-TRACK? AHHHHH. YOU FU#*$R!!!"

Commander-in chief-Tracy picked General Mullen off the ground and out of his psychotic fit and escorted him out of the room. It was my opportunity to get down to some tough talk with the leader.


EP: Forgive me for his outburst, (he is remarkably cool, and continues after a long sigh,) Snorty has been having a hard time of it lately. He's on medication you know? And, well he's, he's had trouble with the Missus. She died. Oh, yeah! Horrible. Stabbed 57 times while asleep in bed.

SR: My God.

EP: (Under his breath,) No good talking to him.

SR: Do you have trouble with opposition?

EP: We do yes, it has grown considerably in recent times, and General Snorty Mullen didn't know what came over him that night. He had been stressed out and the whole event just kind of unfolded

SR: What readers of my magazine really want to know is more about, El Prez, the man behind the iron fist and the off switch of his enemies' iron lungs.

He lowers the gun pointed at my knees.

EP: Well that is a question I've wanted to answer for quite a while. I'm just an average guy, I love sports, we have a great hot-oil wrestling championship here on the island, and our gloveless boxing is unparalleled across the world. The same could be said for our ****-fighting, and foxy-boxing which are only rivaled by the great ****-fights of Wessex in England. We constantly strive to emulate them. I love spending time with my family, and the mothers of my children. Of course, Shane, your society shuns that kind of behavior, but I couldn't imagine any red-blooded man who'd turn down your lovely bo .... I mean, who'd turn down 67 wives.

SR: And do you have any fashion tips?


EP: Well, a moustache got me started out in life, but times change, and these days the, how do you say, young chicks, really dig my military style. It's at once both strong and sexy. Plus hey, they get to keep their wombs.

There follows an uncomfortable silence.

SR: I, I, I'll edit that, that bit out.

EP: Yes, you'd probably better do that.

He again, lowers the gun. The time is right to ask some really tough questions.

SR: So, El Prez, what's your favourite food?

He changes cue cards again.

EP: I like a local dish that goes by the name of, "Unlucky Fried Westerner."



SR: Really?, what's in that?

Long Pause.

EP: Um ......... let me check.

He runs outside and a frantic whispering can be heard outside the door. He walks back in, unruffled and cool

EP: It is a ...... a fish-dish.

SR: Maybe I'll order it in a local restaurant?

EP: But, doesn't your christian god forbid cannabili .... ahh, nevermind. Next question please.

He raises the gun

SR: What, exactly is your opinion on the fall of the Soviet Union, and Communism across the world. Doesn't the fact that only China can afford to fund your lavish central expenditure hurt your economy?

EP: THIS IS A FILTHY LIE!!!!!

He fires the gun wildly into the air until his round runs out.


EP: The western governments have corrupted the minds of many good men with these viscous rumours. Our economy is not hurt because the CCCP is still strong. If it is not, then why our we still getting donations from the Union?

SR: How do you mean?

EP: Every year we get a donation from the Iron Curtain of over $450 million. The only difference is it comes from an account in Seattle called, Gates.

My mouth drops open in awe.

SR: That ....... explains SO much.

He raises the gun menacingly.

EP: What do you know of Moscow's ally?

I answer quickly: Nothing, nothing, ........ I was just trying to understand if as was reported in the west, your economy was so poor, how could you afford to live in such splendor.

EP: Well now you know. The daor of this island are extremely happy with their leaders. They are proud to live in such a great de-moc-ra-cy. The western alliance often create these conspiracies to feed their ego's. They must make up for their deficiencies in other departments. Know what I mean? HA HA HA HA

I sensed a sinister change in the mood of the leader and tried to calm him.

SR: What do you feel about the new Mercedes A Class? I hear you are quite fond of an occasional Benz?

EP: Do not humour me, you rodent. The truth is we have built up, with our ally Cuba and our patrons, Sister China, and Moscow, a great force with which to invade the ore rich island of TRINIDAD, after our reign of terror visits Dominica, Martinique, St. Lucia, St. Vincent, Barbados and Grenada. From there, America is ours. Clinton has tried to kill my Third Kingdom with crude tactics but we have survived and grown stronger. I ask you: Which one of us has the less-straight genitalia? I will strike down upon those with great vengeance. Divine intervention! HA. You don't need that when you're as great as me.

You may join me Reilly, a man of your talents could be used to show the world what my system is really like. We can pay you well, we will be victorious. It will not be long before we have the capability of mass destruction. Thermo-Nuclear weapons are easily available these modern times, no? They imposed this blockade on us because they felt a need to interfere in interests not of their own. I did not lie when I said the Prime-Minister of Trinidad invited us to annex them and yet they used that and those fabricated human-right's infringements to convince the UN to blockade us.

His eyes now displayed a truly mischievous twinkle as he says:

I could let you in on a little secret, Shane. Once Trinidad is in our hands, we will build the world's biggest Van der Graff generator to reverse the world's magnetic polarity. With it in place, the earth will become, in effect, a huge magnet, and people's loose change will draw them to the ground. Then, they'll be prone and will be unable to prevent me from taking over the world. IT WILL BE MINE. ALL MINE!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha MU-HA-HA!

I was saved by the bell as Van Tartic-Buttom's secretary came in to inform us my 90 minutes was up. I made my excuses and left in a hurry. Shaken by my encouter with the dictator, I took the first plane out that night, and was happy to land safely in Miami the next morning.

Shane Reilly, May 24, 1998.


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copyright 1998 Andy Mullen, Kevin Hargaden, Ian Tracy.

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It is so lonely here in my indecipherable tower of speech impedimency

Smiles a smug smile knowing he has many more up his sleeve where that came from.

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It is so lonely here in my indecipherable tower of speech impedimency

hey sutty, haven't seen you posting recently, so i thought I'd throw this up...
An Ode to Sutty

I gave my love a penny,
A penny to my love
But
Rejection
Brutal Rejection
Why?
Why must my love reject me
Why must I be locked up
oH! I yearn for those leather
clad Nights
when
alone I lie in my cell
dank and
Dreary.
__________________________________
copyright 2000 Andy Mullen. Kevin Hargaden. Ian Tracy.

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It is so lonely here in my indecipherable tower of speech impedimency